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Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

by sarahijklmnop / 11/14/2012 at 8:04pm / United States (Kentucky) / Work

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform this one. I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

by Anonymous / 07/18/2015 at 11:45pm / Australia (Australian Capital Territory) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a Jack's Mannequin concert. I'd asked this girl I'm interested in to come with me, and she insisted that she had to bring her two year old son with us. I'd told her it was no problem. Ten minutes into it, she said we needed to leave because it was too loud for him. FML

by tyler / 02/18/2010 at 3:12pm / United States / Love

Today, the clerk at Walmart asked me if the stretch mark cream I was buying was for my wife. I wish I could've said yes. FML

by random0605 / 09/29/2011 at 1:01am / United States (Utah) / Health

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

by monochromatic / 02/19/2010 at 10:13pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I didn't pay enough attention while sending a music file to be used in a powerful video my class-mates and I made about the Syrian civil war. Instead of a moving classical track, viewers were shown graphic scenes of devastation to the tune of Gangnam Style. FML

by Mortifiedcharityworker / 05/01/2014 at 4:10pm / Austria / Work

Today, I got fired from my nannying job because one of the mom's several boyfriends mentioned that he found me attractive. FML

by meghancuma / 09/22/2015 at 1:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to do community service work, so I helped out at a senior center. One of the confused elderly patients, who believed the Cold War was still on, thought I was a Soviet and started screaming about how I was going to nuke his country. FML

by communistgirl / 01/24/2012 at 11:42am / United States / Work

Today, my cleavage got me out of a speeding ticket. That is, until the officer looked up long enough to realize I'm a guy. FML

by fat and broke / 06/28/2015 at 3:17am / United States (Washington) / Transportation

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

by Boneo and Juliet / 07/16/2015 at 3:22pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I bought a new Siamese Fighting Fish. I was so happy with my new fish so I bought him an expensive lovely bowl, some weeds, and a toy for the bowl. I left the room to get the fish food. When I returned, the fish was gone, and the cat was sitting on the table. FML

by bels12 / 01/05/2010 at 12:15am / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals

Today, I saw a stick in my car and picked it up to throw it out the window. The "stick" turned out to have eyes. It was a dead lizard. FML

by bad luck Bianca / 01/17/2015 at 5:30pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

by Mikey / 04/28/2009 at 2:50am / United States (California) / Love