Today, my mom asked if she could use my red dress for her two-week trip to the Caribbean. I said no, because I was going to a party and I wanted to wear it. She called me a selfish, greedy bitch who would stay single forever. I paid for her plane ticket, her hotel fees, and her cruise ship fee. FML
Today, I was chewed out and blocked by several of my “friends” because I never post anything political, and am therefore right wing. FML
Today, I thought of the saying “TV killed the radio star”, because in the show I'm currently watching it is so dark most of the time that you can neither see people’s faces, nor what is actually happening. If that’s modern television, we might just as well go back to radio. FML
Today, I tried to parallel park in front of a crowd. After several failed attempts, someone shouted from a window above, "Nice 23-point turn, dumbass!" I was practicing on an empty street. FML
Today, my boyfriend hasn’t asked for sex in a while, like months, and when I asked him about it he admitted that every day I shout at him, snap at him or act bitchy about anything not his fault, he has a wank and goes to sleep rather than bother asking me for sex. FML
Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML
Today, because my husband wasn’t paying attention, he gave our 6 year-old his Netflix instead of the kid safe settings, so she watched a very gory horror film that has given her nightmares, so I now haven’t slept in 5 nights because of it. My husband face sleeps soundly through her screaming. FML
Today, and for weeks, I’ve had a rash of tiny little scabs all across my stomach and boobs. I’ve spent way too much money on creams that didn’t help, only to realise that my new kitten, when he is asleep on me and kneading my shirt with his claws, he was giving me hundreds of tiny scratches. FML
Today, I lost my custody battle and I have to return my grandchildren to my disowned daughter, who was allowing her now ex-husband to abuse them. I can't appeal or anything because frankly we don't have the funds. I wish I'd never had her. FML
Today, I went down a four-hour YouTube rabbit hole trying to understand the Onision drama. I finally snapped out if it, thinking, "I don't care about any of this. What am I doing with my life?" FML
Today, my boyfriend picked me up to come spend the night at his house, and on the way he started pulling over to get some condoms. I told him no need, I was on my period. He turned the car around and took me home. FML
Today, I tried to save money by buying a generic brand of coffee instead of my usual brand. It tasted terrible and I ended up throwing it away. FML
Today, after nine years, I got back together with my first love, the man who taught me about sensuality and touch, and who no one could measure up to since. I guess this time I’ll have to do the teaching, because he has somehow forgotten even the basics of how to touch a woman. FML
Today, I asked my wife for a threesome to spice up our sex life. Her exact response to me was, “The only threesome we should be having is between the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.” I'll take that as a “No.” FML
Today, I’m tired of being blamed that my kids don’t want anything to do with their dad. He somehow forgot that they saw him cheat on me while I was in the hospital, got another woman pregnant while we were still married, and put her kids above them. He made his bed, so why am I the bad guy? FML
Today, my husband confessed to cheating but then tried to turn it around on me. Apparently, because I wasn’t regularly checking his phone, it must mean I don’t really care about him or I’d have caught him months ago. Sorry for trusting my husband I suppose, geez. FML
Today, after I moved in with my best friend a year ago, living with her and her boyfriend for over 3 months, I couldn’t handle them fighting so I moved out 9 months later. She cheated on her boyfriend with a coworker and is now moving in with me, so, "We can live like wild teenagers." We’re both 30 and I’m not single. FML
Today, as a tax preparer, I had to deliver the bad news that a lady owed a very large sum in taxes. I even had my supervisor check my work as this was serious. Apparently she has been claiming exemptions she doesn't qualify for for years by going to another local tax office that closed down last year, due to fraud. FML
Today, our company got hacked. Our secretary fell for someone badly impersonating the head of customer service and sent them a full list of employee information from one of our new clients. The boss wants to blame us in IT for not training her on how to avoid this. He fell for a phishing attack last week. FML
Today, I'd tried to do my makeup in a natural way for my high school graduation. I don't have much experience, but I went for it anyway. Now, looking at the photos, I can see how fucking orange I looked at the party. FML
Today, I finally got some alone time today with the boyfriend (we have kids, so this is rare) and we were going heavily at it when his mother decided to drop in and wouldn’t stop knocking on the front door. Worst timing ever. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mom stared at me throughout dinner before finally blurting out, "I'm sorry, I can't get past the fact that you look just like his ex!" It turns out I do. FML
Today, my wife said that her cup of coffee was the best part of her week. We celebrated our nineteenth anniversary this week. FML
Today, after a bad week I ordered a large pizza, ready to binge-watch TV. The delivery guy shows up, I hand him the cash, and he left without giving me my pizza. Exhausted, I watched him leave, like a confused puppy. I called the pizzeria; he'd left the pizza somewhere else, and couldn't re-deliver it because their driver was "done for the night.” FML
Today, after opening up to my husband about my mental struggles after a difficult birth, I shed a few tears. He left me there to go take a nap. FML
Today, I've finally got my mental health under control after decades of flailing. I also started showing signs of Serotonin Syndrome, which is caused by my meds and could result in seizure and death. So my choices are the swirling void of depression or possibly just the void. FML
Today, our family dog passed away. My 16 year-old daughter had a tantrum over us cancelling her 16th birthday trip, because, “the stupid dog picked the perfect day to die.” She says she’s going on the trip “with or without us.” She actually went. With her friends. What do they see in this sociopathic brat? FML
Today, are you excited for Christmas? Because I'm sure not. When I was 14, my dad got hit by a car on Christmas. At 15, my dog died. When I was 16, I got not presents. When I was 17, the Christmas tree was stolen. I wonder what's next… FML
Today, my idiot husband broke his jaw and had to have it wired shut. I just caught him trying to fix it in his shed because he cut the wire with bolt cutters so he could, of all things, eat a steak before it went bad, then tried to close his jaw again with fishing line. FML
Today, I borrowed my uncle's car because mine was in the shop. I didn't know the jackass had a "TRUMP 2024" bumper sticker until someone threw a rock at my head. Now I'm in the hospital with a concussion. FML
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