Today, my idiot husband broke his jaw and had to have it wired shut. I just caught him trying to fix it in his shed because he cut the wire with bolt cutters so he could, of all things, eat a steak before it went bad, then tried to close his jaw again with fishing line. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML
Today, in a bid to avoid going to the dentist, my husband decided to have one of his drunk buddies pull his tooth out with pliers. Now he has to have surgery to remove the shards of tooth left rotting in his mouth. It’s going to cost thousands. Thanks babe. FML
Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long, nasty toenails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML
Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, my husband brought home a machete. In the process of showing me a trick he learned, he managed to slice a nice big hole in our brand new very expensive sectional. FML
Today, I went out for a smoke before dinner. I glanced through the window only to see my husband take my cooking scissors, cut his toe nails and then put them back in the utensils canister without washing them. FML
Today, I was finally able to get around to a totally free day when I could do some much needed DIY around the house. Before I even started, I cut my hand on a Stanley knife almost to the bone, and had to get 8 stitches. My wife thinks I did it on purpose to get out of doing the repairs. FML
Today, my husband surprised me by cooking a romantic dinner. I asked him why the sudden gesture. His response? "The cable was out." FML
Today, I was helping my boyfriend in the garden. When I wanted to break a piece of wood, I lost my balance. Head first against a stone. Result: five stitches in my upper lip, and a loose tooth. FML
Today, I lost a tooth and got my jaw wired shut after my toddler managed to break my jaw by whacking me with a plastic toy. Hello at least 8 weeks of being unable to talk while only eating meals that have been thoroughly blitzed into a liquid form first. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
BurnInDemonFire 39
To paraphrase Captain America; "So... you married a moron...".
FluffythePink 24
Men... I'm so sorry yours decided to have a blinding moment of absolute ******* stupidity. March him straight back to A&E and tell the Nurses that they can 'educate' him as hard as they like because the fear of having to face their entirely righteous wrath again should stop him the next time.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (3)
BurnInDemonFire 39
To paraphrase Captain America; "So... you married a moron...".
FluffythePink 24
Men... I'm so sorry yours decided to have a blinding moment of absolute ******* stupidity. March him straight back to A&E and tell the Nurses that they can 'educate' him as hard as they like because the fear of having to face their entirely righteous wrath again should stop him the next time.
Hangryko 32
Please divorce him.