The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Nearly home

Today, I thought my water had broken. I'd actually just peed myself when the baby moved. FML

Today, after having to move home with my parents because I'm broke and can't seem to find a job, my mom found out I'm on anti-depressants. She and my dad will no longer be helping with money because she doesn't like "drugs". FML

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

ALWAYS KNOCK

Today, I got screamed at on the toilet for telling the person who walked in on me to shut the door. My pants were around my ankles, I was holding a tampon, and the door was wide open as my mom and sister ran over to help. FML

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

Insult to insult

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

Maternal monitoring

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

Today, I discovered that, because my boyfriend has locked himself out of his car so many times, he now keeps a coat hanger to break in. He keeps it IN the car. FML

Today, I visited my girlfriend in the preschool she's interning at. She asked me to continue reading The Little Mermaid to her class, handing me the book. After the story, the whole class started to cry. She never told me to sugarcoat the ending and lie, Disney-style. FML

TMI, dude

Today, my brother met my girlfriend for the first time. Instead of making a good first impression, the first thing he did was talk about how he just took a massive dump and didn't wipe very well, and that's why his hand smelled bad. FML

Fun times

Today, my future sister-in-law told me that not only will I have to host her bachelorette party at my new, still under construction house, but she has also booked a sex consultant to come and give a toy presentation. There's a $350 minimum spend. Only 5 people are coming, 4 of which are family. FML

FREEDOM

Today, some idiots set off fireworks close to my house. I was a bit worried, but my uncle assured me it would be fine and left to run an errand. Just minutes later, I looked up to find the tree right next to my wooden balcony engulfed in flames. FML

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

Easy mistake to make

Today, my mother's boyfriend sent me pictures of my mom sucking him off. FML

Today, one month before my wedding, the venue I booked two years ago increased their standard inclusions and decreased their pricing by 25%. Guess who doesn’t qualify for this new deal. FML

Something smells fishy.

Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML

Night time entertainment

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

Today, I went to a friend's "party". Everyone bailed but my friend didn't say anything, so it's just me and my girl. The train tickets alone cost £20. FML

Pokémon No

Today, I was on a date with a guy from a dating app. I thought it was bad enough having to drive (he was planning to drink) and pay for dinner, but then he asked me to make a stop so he could catch a Pokémon because he didn't have that one with a hat. FML

Today, after hours of pain due to bad food the night before, I accidentally and silently let rip. My wheelchair-bound aunt panicked and made a dash for the bathroom, thinking her colostomy bag had ripped. I was too embarrassed to admit it was me. FML

Today, I asked my mother to take a picture of me with my phone. She managed to drop the phone thrice within 5 minutes. Now the phone is busted and she refuses to pay for the repairs. FML

Today, I broke up with my live-in boyfriend after an emotional conversation and months of feeling neglected. He tried to have sex with me not even an hour later because he thought I was just mad at him, and "you usually just shut up about your feelings". FML

Today, while enjoying a lovely 80 degree day, I returned from a 2-hour bike ride to find my truck window smashed. The only thing taken was my change of clothes. My insurance company says it'll cost $1000 to replace the window. I feel like I got robbed twice. FML

Shovel to the head

Today, I shoveled snow at work. I had to because my co-workers refused to "get sick." I told my co-workers if anyone needs me, just tell them I'm shoveling snow. Our boss asked for me and they said that I left without punching. This also happened when I went out to water the flowers in the summer. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML

The stench

Today, my husband had a bad stomach bug and fever. While I was at work, he had diarrhoea but couldn't make it to the toilet so he went in the bin next to his desk, crawled back into bed, and passed out. It sat there in this heatwave for 5 hours. FML

Today, I woke up to a red, raised, extremely itchy rash covering my whole body, face included. I have an 18-hour bus ride to look forward to this afternoon. FML

Today, I was trying on wedding dresses and didn't realise I had started my period. I managed to ruin 6 dresses before I noticed. The company wants me to pay for them. I can't afford it. FML

Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said that Christians couldn't be circumcised because "only Jewish people are". Without thinking, I said it isn't true because I'm Christian and I’m circumcised. I accidentally gave the whole class a mental picture of my dick. FML