Intimacy and School: Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 417

You deserved it 112

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 170

You deserved it 1 468

13/11/2018 14:00

Today, my class had a debate about religion. My classmate said that Christians couldn't be circumcised because "only Jewish people are". Without thinking, I said it isn't true because I'm Christian and I’m circumcised. I accidentally gave the whole class a mental picture of my dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 209

You deserved it 1 194

Intimacy School

Sorry…

Sounds lovely

Squatters' rights

19/08/2014 00:23

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk to the girl I like. After awkwardly saying hi, I manage to work up a nice conversation with her. I thought everything was going well, until I got home and realized that she had stolen money out of my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 809

You deserved it 4 655

24/06/2011 19:17

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 309

You deserved it 4 461

18/08/2013 20:13

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 045

You deserved it 16 869

Straining

By NoPeeGiven - 14/04/2013 05:10

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 820

You deserved it 9 950

Descriptive

By Teaching26 - 15/05/2010 07:47

Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 081

You deserved it 17 479

06/06/2010 17:36

Today, I found out the reason I can't get a job. My previous employer didn't know my name, so when places I applied to called there for a reference, my boss said he had no recollection of me working there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 863

You deserved it 3 474

Stranded

By Anonymous - 27/12/2020 01:01

Today, my husband found out that not only has he tested positive for influenza A, but also has tested positive for Covid 19. My work won't let me return until I have isolated for 14 days from someone with Covid. Our house is really small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 786

You deserved it 113

14/12/2016 22:41

Today, for the first time since my partner moved in with me, I did one of my favourite things: I bought some nice cheese and a bottle of wine and went on to People of Walmart, just as I do every month or so. He called me a disgusting human being and went for a walk two hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 089

You deserved it 2 033

02/04/2017 14:00

Today, I found out that my crazy stalker got a crazy stalker too. And she's also stalking me. So basically, I'm in some sort of a stalking triangle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 346

You deserved it 284

12/01/2009 16:03

Today, my coworker told me that the framed picture our boss put on her desk last week was not, as I originally thought, a picture of her father, but a picture of Rupert Murdoch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 314

You deserved it 3 423

25/04/2017 02:00

Today, I got my grades back. They were all 98's and 99's with also a 104 (extra-credit). I got refused from entering an honors club, because it's "impossible to get above a hundred in a math class". I even got investigated for cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 039

You deserved it 368

08/10/2018 13:30

Today, my mom made me take a pregnancy test since I missed my last 4 periods. It came back positive and my mom grounded me. I’ve never had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 701

You deserved it 360

19/08/2010 00:51

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. He set it as my ringtone without telling me. I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 393

You deserved it 10 899

25/05/2014 17:46

Today, the previously charming guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks tried to introduce a weekly sex quota into our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 310

You deserved it 6 634

Thanks, I'm cured!

By fuauntflo - 07/07/2020 17:01

Today, I went to the ER because of an intensely heavy flow. They kept me waiting so long that, although I was wearing a super absorbent tampon and a pad, I still bled through three times. When I was finally seen, the doctor said, "Try using a higher absorbency and follow up with your regular physician." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 009

You deserved it 167

31/12/2009 21:47

Today, a man proposed to me in classic style on one knee. Unfortunately, I have been telling this man for the last two months that I don't even want to date him. He thinks I'm playing hard to get and is not giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 941

You deserved it 5 002

Extreme shot reaction

By Exhausted - 14/06/2021 05:31

Today, a day after my mom and I got the vaccine, we've been doing everything around the house with one hand each through the pain. My dad hasn't helped out at all despite my requests, and sees nothing wrong with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 241

Horsing around

By Anonymous - 15/07/2020 20:02

Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 160

08/02/2011 06:51

Today, I dropped my Xanax. It wasn't until after I washed it down with some water that I realized it was still on the floor and I had actually swallowed a pebble of cat litter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 165

You deserved it 15 594

08/10/2018 14:00

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 867

You deserved it 2 798

29/03/2016 05:01

Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 100

You deserved it 1 967

10/10/2009 12:52

Today, I finally plucked up the courage to propose to my girlfriend of 7 months. I took her out to the park where we had our first kiss, I got down on one knee, and before I could say "Will you marry me" a bird shat on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 845

You deserved it 7 515

30/08/2009 18:09

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 503

You deserved it 38 556

20/03/2014 22:18

Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 768

You deserved it 5 451

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

By Panek - 07/10/2021 23:01

Today, I had a panic attack because my wife yelped at me. What did I say that made her yell? I told her that I had just been diagnosed with a panic disorder that's triggered by people yelling at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 934

You deserved it 97

25/05/2010 23:06

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 533

You deserved it 4 045

20/02/2009 06:16

Today, after class, my teacher pulled me aside and said "You know, I never received the e-mail regarding your disabilities that your parents mentioned. Could you have them resend it?" What disabilities? FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 244

You deserved it 2 724

03/02/2012 05:25

Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 044

You deserved it 25 968

25/12/2012 07:12

Spicy

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 818

You deserved it 55 335

09/04/2013 08:18

Today, I got called an "evil Nazi bitch" because I let a customer know that this is the last day our store will have free plastic bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 760

You deserved it 3 474

08/09/2017 01:30

Today, after months of riding a bike through the rain, I finally saved up enough for a car. It was a little aged, but ran fine. That is, until a tire blew out, the engine stalled, and the battery died within one week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 258

You deserved it 340

15/10/2010 04:06

Today, I waited in line at Subway. There were two people in front of me. The first lady had seven sandwiches and the second lady had four. So after patiently waiting, I ordered my sandwich, only to have my credit card declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 536

You deserved it 12 080

05/05/2009 20:39

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 140

You deserved it 9 108

02/02/2014 17:33

Today, I was bitched out at 2am by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 966

You deserved it 3 973

19/02/2010 07:38

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 617

You deserved it 2 503

01/01/2011 05:18

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 140

You deserved it 8 102

25/07/2010 11:09

Spicy

Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 408

You deserved it 5 753

09/10/2011 05:11

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 377

You deserved it 2 565

23/10/2010 08:03

Today, at Burger King, I had to go to the bathroom. Two ketchup packets were under the seat and exploded on my legs and pants when I sat down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 819

You deserved it 6 064

06/03/2010 07:38

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 244

You deserved it 40 809

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Top comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Monday 22 October 2018 19:27

Own that shit! "It's circumcised, and 9 inches, ladies. And that's when it's flaccid."

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Tuesday 13 November 2018 14:36

Paul of Tarsus changed many of the criteria rules. Guess he knew that more people would convert to christianity if they were no longer “required” to cut part of their penises off. Plus he knew people loved bacon.

Comments

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Monday 22 October 2018 19:27

Own that shit! "It's circumcised, and 9 inches, ladies. And that's when it's flaccid."

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Tuesday 23 October 2018 0:01

I though it was Jewish people who weren't circumcized

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Tuesday 23 October 2018 9:58

It depends. Some do, some don't. But a brit milah is a ceremony for the removal of the foreskin on a baby Jewish boy.

PenguinPal3017 19

Wednesday 14 November 2018 5:44

This is one of the most ignorant things I've ever heard on here.

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Wednesday 14 November 2018 11:59

i thought only muslims were circumcised

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Sunday 30 May 2021 21:50

That’s true! I was reading this and was like uhhhh you’re gonna fail your class 😂😂

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Tuesday 13 November 2018 14:36

Paul of Tarsus changed many of the criteria rules. Guess he knew that more people would convert to christianity if they were no longer “required” to cut part of their penises off. Plus he knew people loved bacon.

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 13 November 2018 17:06

Luckily for everyone it wasn’t Show-and-Tell Day!

Notamusedanymore 17

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Tuesday 13 November 2018 18:33

Sounds like someone’s bragging about their dick.

Justin Allan Bannister 9

Tuesday 13 November 2018 20:04

it doesn't matter. Sometimes guys are circumcised for health reasons.

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Wednesday 14 November 2018 0:34

Should have made your username "Big Dick Bigger Mouth", OP. Unless that's not your situation down there, I guess.

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Wednesday 14 November 2018 2:17

I feel you, OP. I also have a bad habit of saying things without thinking first. Happened to me last night, only through text instead. 😕 It's like our mouths work faster than our brains. Hopefully, they'll eventually put it in the back of their minds.

mattyiscool123 26

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Wednesday 14 November 2018 2:59

Not necessarily, everybody for the most part knows what a dick looks like.

Taurus_ChicKa 36

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Wednesday 14 November 2018 4:12

It's okay, most guys are circumcised regardless of religion. Besides, once you've seen one dick, you've pretty much seen them all. lol

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Wednesday 14 November 2018 12:00

not true, i do not know anyone who is circumcised, its really rare...

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Wednesday 14 November 2018 21:43

May I introduce you to the OP?

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Sunday 25 August 2019 16:07

Depends where you are from... I’ve personally only seen one uncircumcised penis so being circumcised is VERY common where I’m from(NJ, USA)