Today, after a particularly gruesome nightmare about spiders due to my irrational phobia, I decided to try and desensitise myself by googling 'house spiders'. I can't stop the feeling of something crawling over every inch of my body, but at least I now know they can live up to six years. FML
Today, the police called because someone had turned in my wallet that was stolen. I happily drove home only to find that my house had been robbed and ransacked. FML
Today, my mom sent me home with some delicious-looking BBQ ribs because I'd missed a cookout due to work. I set them on the counter, intent on putting them in the oven, but had to make a quick run to the bathroom. I came back to find my roommate's cat sitting in the plate, covered in sauce, as he helped himself. FML
Today, I took an exam in order to apply for a graduate program I want to get into. Last night, my boyfriend decided it was a good time to break up with me out of the blue. I broke down three times in the middle of the test, and I just barely failed it. FML
Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML
Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML
Today, I went on a date that went well, until the bill came and she quickly shoved it in my direction, then went to the loo. Rude, but I thought nothing of it… until our waiter took pity and told me I’m the fourth guy she’s had this week who'd been made to pay for her. I paid half, then went home. FML
Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML
Today, my kid threw a fit on our way home, wanting me to stop and call grandma. Why? Because she was convinced I was going to wreck the car, and grandma is a good driver who won't crash. When we got home, she stopped fussing, said, "Thank god, we're home," ran up to grandpa and said, "Mom's a scary driver." She's 3. FML
Today, I was watching our regular show on Netflix with my boyfriend. I made a remark about one of the male leads having nice abs. My boyfriend is so pathetically insecure that he threw a fit and is refusing to finish the show since he claims I find the actor more attractive than him. FML
Today, a man was struggling up some slippery steps with a pram when his sunglasses fell from his head. I hurried to pick them up for him, as he had no free hands, but instead accidentally stood on them, snapping them in half. FML
Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML
Today, I was doing squats in front of the gym's mirror. I noticed the guy next to me giving me weird looks. I assumed he was judging my form, until I realized I was standing in front of a wall of mirrors that reflected the women’s yoga class behind me. To everyone else, it looked like I was just staring at them while squatting aggressively. FML
Today, I had a video call with a couple of old friends, but the conversation sort of got boring, so I started mouthing words so they'd think the connection was bad and end the awkwardness. Then, as soon as they hung up the call, I realized I'd left my music on in the background the whole time. FML
Today, my maths teacher, who hates me ever since I pointed out a mistake he made a few months ago, rang my dad and blatantly lied to him about me swearing at him in class. It was a complete load of bollocks, but my dad believed him and took away my PlayStation until after Christmas. FML
Today, my dad is mad at me because I refused to buy a truck. An ugly old Isuzu with two flat tires and a missing headlight, and the owner said it needed a new transmission & brakes, but still wanted $8000. Apparently, without consulting me, Dad promised him I'd buy it as payment for guns he bought. Now he's in debt. FML
Today, I was at work, the Disney Store. A little boy was crying so I went over to him. After talking to him for a little while I found out he couldn't find his mother. When he became comfortable I went to help him stand up, he choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML
Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML
Today, I came home at noon from a long night out. I was surprised to see a woman I didn't recognize standing in my living room in a brown dress and heels. As I walked up to the door and knocked to be let in, the woman whipped around and I figured out who it was. My dad. FML
Today, my husband, who rarely helps with big projects around the house, offered to help me with our mess of a backyard. An hour and a half into the project, and an hour and a half after he disappeared from the backyard, I found him mowing and edging the front. Our front yard was immaculate and didn't need mowed. FML
Today, I need a remote position due to a disability, but no company will even try to work with me. My car just died. I'll never be able to live on my own, despite being 30. The worst part? All the people who are gonna reply and call me "entitled." FML
Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML
Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML
Today, I found out about my husband’s work Holiday party last night. I wasn’t invited because he told me they didn’t allow plus ones. That would be more believable if my friend who works at his same company hadn’t brought his wife there. FML
Today, I found an odd notebook in my wife's desk and opened it. I learned why our sex life has gotten so boring: every time I upset her, she secretly bans something sexual. For instance: "June 16th - dented car - no more lingerie" or "August 9th - forgot wallet on date night - no more rope play." FML
Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML
Today, I don't know which is worse: my brother cramming all his sauce bottles into a fridge door shelf that exploded onto the floor when I opened the fridge, or my mother being mad at me because I was upset about slicing open my finger while cleaning up the broken glass and my hand now burns. FML
Today, we found out where our daughter had been hiding her crayons. We also found out why our stereo stopped working. FML
Today, I went to the mall and saw a really cute guy. I acted all cool and started doing a sexy hair flip. On the way back up from my hair flip I hit my head on a cellphone stand. FML
Today, I got bored and decided to try World Of Warcraft. FML
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