Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and... - FML

By anonymous neighbor - 30/1/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my really attractive neighbor, and at the end, when I leaned in to make out with her, she shook my hand. FML

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Abuse

In my day…

Higher standards

By TuT - 19/9/2014 17:58 - France

Today, I found my husband in the bathtub, which was filled with blood-red water, motionless and staring blankly at the ceiling. I started screaming and crying, and he burst into laughter at his "hilarious" prank. He only seemed regretful that his video camera hadn't been recording properly. FML

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By graospe - 12/12/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, I fainted and woke up in a hospital. My mom drove me to the emergency room. The doctor said I had a panic attack. What did I have a panic attack from? Bidding on eBay. FML

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By mollyeyers - 22/8/2010 17:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. According to his Facebook, he had a new girlfriend 16 seconds later. FML

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By sadday - 20/11/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

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By Canceled Wedding - 25/5/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that because we made a mistake and applied for the wrong visa first, my fiancé probably can't fly into America to attend his own wedding. FML

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By ultraattitude - 22/4/2012 07:01 - United States - Union City

Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 17:31 - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

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By steve - 5/9/2012 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

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By SingleStrongArm - 3/5/2013 05:16 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, marks the third week in which my girlfriend has gone without taking a shower. She does this every so often, taking showers roughly once per month. She's convinced baby wipes will "hold her over". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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By he's a dawk, and a cunt - 5/7/2013 22:29 - Australia - Darling Point

Today, my boyfriend and I went to my parents' barbecue. He knew my family is extremely religious, so what did he do? Called for silence to make an announcement, namely: "God isn't real." Cue a riot that ended in us being kicked out and me all but disowned for "putting him up to it". FML

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By "AR Good" - 26/3/2019 11:00 - United States - Hawthorne

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2020 20:00

And today on Maury…

Today, I was driving my best friend home when he admitted to being gay. I was glad he could trust me with a secret like this. Until he admitted to having sex with my boyfriend. FML

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By Bento - 5/10/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2013 17:06 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I finally password-protected my phone, to protect it from my friends' favorite game: stealing it and sending stupid texts, and hijacking my Facebook. They quickly found a new game. My phone is now locked for 24 hours due to too many attempts to guess the password. FML

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By addie - 3/3/2013 08:27 - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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By SingleSara. - 2/3/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 18:00

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

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By Maria39018 - 1/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. There goes my sex life. FML

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By Diachronic - 12/9/2014 08:05 - United States - Lewiston

Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML

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By see you next cunt - 18/3/2014 19:44 - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2019 06:12

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

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By just about pissed off - 11/8/2013 17:24 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, to help with my insomnia, I downloaded some relaxing rain MP3s and set them to loop. For the first time in ages, I fell asleep within minutes. Somewhere around 5, however, the sound of trickling water caused my bladder to empty itself all over my bed. FML

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By aggghghgh - 14/5/2016 08:51

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

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By Starving Ultimatum - 2/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 22:00 - France

Classy

Today, I've got two family members over to stay. So far, I have found a dirty Q-Tip, a nasty toe nail and had to clean up period blood from toilets, bin, and the floor. FML

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By liz - 8/3/2010 01:46 - United States

Today, at work, I had toast thrown at me by an old Vietnam vet. Who also happens to have a dead cat in his freezer. I love retirement homes. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2018 06:00

Today, I was walking the boardwalk when I felt a strange sensation between my legs as I sneezed. My tampon shot out like a cork and rolled to the side of my granny panties. I had to waddle like Yosemite Sam to the nearest potty. I was on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:28 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, was the day my girlfriend and I tried to 69 for the first time. Today is also the day I learned that I'm physically incapable of maintaining an erection after someone farts in my face. FML

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By cheated - 23/11/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, I came home from a weekend trip with some friends, and walked straight in on my girlfriend cheating on me. She burst into tears and began apologizing. Her exact words were "I'm so sorry! I thought you were coming back tomorrow." FML

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By SomeoneElse - 14/7/2009 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a music shop looking for a new guitar when someone called out someone else's name and jumped on my back. I lost balance and fell forward and broke 3 guitars and damaged another 6. The guy said "Sorry, thought you were someone else" and ran out. I now have to pay £2500. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 23:00

Fear factor

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

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By Kay - 2/6/2013 19:00 - India - Nagari

Today, I discovered that my 20-year-old son has been using my bras for his jerk-off sessions. FML

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By twobyfour - 15/10/2019 12:00

Shelved plans

Today, after spending two hard months losing 20 pounds of my 80 pound goal, I was actually excited to exercise. After I was done exercising, I fell down the stairs and broke my ankle. FML

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By pissingcontest - 30/5/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and leaned back slightly on my heels. Somehow I lost my balance and fell backward, hitting my head on the wall behind me and spraying myself and my entire bathroom with my own pee. FML

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By MyS3lf - 19/4/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

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By PollingLow - 10/5/2012 15:45 - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By SofiMarti - 24/8/2019 00:02 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, my mom was named principal of the school I go to. FML

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By eric - 16/3/2011 07:31 - United States

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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Top comments

By breenarae25 | 0

#1455960 - Saturday 25 September 2010 8:25

ydi for making- out on a first date

By urallosers | 0

#46053 - Friday 20 March 2009 23:12

that's what you get for being beta, you should never wait until the end of the date to kiss someone beacuse thats when it's expected. if you haven't kissed a girl by the end, you shouldn't try at the end. live and learn.

COMMENTS

By urallosers | 0

#46053 - Friday 20 March 2009 23:12

that's what you get for being beta, you should never wait until the end of the date to kiss someone beacuse thats when it's expected. if you haven't kissed a girl by the end, you shouldn't try at the end. live and learn.

Reply

dabears4life | 0

#2685506 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 9:22

Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbit!

Reply

roobin302 | 0

#3250886 - Wednesday 7 September 2011 7:15

its true..i learned that from experience..

Reply

acassella | 3

#5146657 - Wednesday 14 November 2012 3:17

But if it's a first date you might not want to make a move too fast

By DoubleJG | 0

#119861 - Friday 17 April 2009 20:53

Reminds me of one of my own stories.. This is truly a "FML" type moment.

By 24788 | 6

#155917 - Thursday 30 April 2009 7:05

That's not fun. Shouldn't just lean in to make out though.

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bassfisher100 | 23

#6166931 - Thursday 8 January 2015 19:50

that's exactly what I was thinking

By Laxguitar37 | 0

#282503 - Monday 8 June 2009 12:42

Dude rookie mistake man. GET THAT PUSSY SON!!!!!!

By amatayo | 0

#296851 - Friday 12 June 2009 10:35

Got to respect a female that dose not just lay down any one

Oh and not an fml cuz this did not do any thing except show you your not what you think you are

Reply

LLLP | 0

#2856094 - Saturday 9 July 2011 16:54

Is English your first language?

By saraa615 | 0

#441680 - Thursday 30 July 2009 4:25

Be thankful she doesn't kiss everyone she's had a date with.

By notdeadbutnearly | 0

#966759 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 10:53

Ah shit, that's just crap. Dump the whore and move on.

Reply

zashed | 9

#5639219 - Thursday 22 August 2013 22:33

So she didn't kiss him and that makes her a whore. Logic.

By blademaster23 | 0

#971620 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 4:57

Sounds like she was tryna give you a handjob bro.

By Baron_Random | 0

#975578 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 8:02

You just sound really forward.

By handhugsftw | 0

#1288520 - Monday 23 August 2010 8:03

YDI for having an attractive neighbor.