Miscellaneous: Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight,...

By baby shak - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

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Miscellaneous

Reverse psychology

Fake News

Modern Family

By lonely - United States

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses were at my door. Normally I don't give them the time of day, but I was so lonely for company, I let them in. FML

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31991

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML

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33048

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By Anonymous

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. When she saw the ring, she got so excited that she ran to kiss me and it flew out of my hand, over the balcony of our suite, and fell roughly 45 stories straight down. I could feel my wallet screaming as a £4000 diamond vanished into the night. FML

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3672

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By Mary

Today, I tried to go down the stairs two steps at a time. I slipped, fell flat on my ass, and busted my lower lip against my overbite. When I tried to get up, I realized I had also peed my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1979

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1336

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By Lavalise - France

Today, on the subway, a woman got off without her suitcase. I grabbed the case, chased her onto the platform, and shouted, "You forgot your suitcase!" while the doors closed behind me. In actual fact, it wasn't her suitcase, and its actual owner was still on the train. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Auburn

Today, I saw a dick for the first time in my life, on the early morning crowded train headed for work. FML

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30333

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By nomail - United States - Minneapolis

Today, the management office of my apartment building announced it will be keeping packages in the office until you can pick them up. They also posted new hours. There will be someone in the office once a week, for two hours only. I work those two hours, every single week. No more mail for me. FML

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By lrn2spel, teach - United States - Mogadore

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

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By CyberPsycho - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

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By Tired

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for doing what she wanted me to do. I guess she didn't think I would do it and did it herself. FML

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By I_Lossed - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

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By niki - United States - Long Beach

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. After he left my place, I realized he took my Sonicare toothbrush because he knew that I would be more upset about missing that than our relationship. He was right. I am really upset about it. FML

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By Falcon - United States

Today, I had to pee in the kitchen sink because my bathroom is being completely revamped, and the only other toilet in the house is my parents'. They refuse to let anyone use it. FML

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29376

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Chill out, dude

Today, I was lectured about how emotionally immature I am by someone who, afterwards, promptly threw a chair out of anger. FML

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7048

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my sister has a crystal meth problem when she set fire to our house. FML

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38185

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2613

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By fuuuuck - Canada

Today, I had a very important test. Last night, I'd had such bad leg pains that I couldn't sleep, so I took two very strong painkillers and went to sleep pain-free. I apparently accidentally overdosed, because when I woke up, I couldn't see properly or even stand up. And I missed my test. FML

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25962

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By CoyoteOldOne - 12/9/2020 08:59 - United States - Denver

DIY decoration tips

Today, I got an empty peanut butter jar to put my used insulin needles in so nobody gets stuck. My husband washed it for me. He also wrote all over it: "F*** off! Sharps! Do not f***ing touch! Go away! Do not f***ing throw away!" Thanks, sweetie. Now it looks like a crazy guy shouting on the subway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1037

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By Evil_Egbert - Netherlands

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24850

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By Screwed - United States - Rockville

Today, my crazy bitch of a boss fired me for inappropriate conduct. Apparently my "fake Nazi accent" is "offensive to our Jewish coworkers." I'm German. I have no way to change the way I speak, or to pay this month's bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36913

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By Addigirl - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I ordered pick-up from a restaurant I really like. It was pouring, so instead of taking the long way across the pedestrian walk, I ran through a grass-covered area and tripped on tree roots. I was right in front of the restaurant, so everybody saw me. FML

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5489

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By scooterbyrd - 31/8/2020 02:01

Don't follow by example

Today, I found out the psychiatrist who treats me for bipolar disorder died. He committed suicide. FML

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1903

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

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25140

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By Lost5dollars - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from a number I didn't know. I had called an Uber in my sleep. They charged a cancellation fee. FML

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4052

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By DumbassRoaster - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

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12499

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By Anonymous - United States - Great Mills

Today, I was trying to convince my husband to not trim the lower branches of my favorite tree. After pleading my case, I turned around and ran smack into one of said branches. My face and my dignity still hurt. FML

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9978

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By Dumped - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me. After I tried to talk to her about it, she dumped me. Not because she didn't like me anymore or that she liked the other guy, but because she felt "too guilty" and "wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes anymore." FML

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31563

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By LukeSkywalker - United States

Today, after pouring my heart out to my girlfriend of 4 years through a speech that took me 3 weeks to write, and then proposing, she responded, "Eh, why not." FML

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38200

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By JWags

Today, at 30 years old, my wife asked why I'm circumcised when my parents aren't religious. I didn't know I was circumcised. FML

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3406

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 17:00

Alexa, play 4'33" by John Cage

Today, I was the first to sign up to play the national anthem for my school, at one of my volleyball games. My teacher told me she would bring my sheet music. She didn’t. So I just sat there, awkwardly, not playing my cello. FML

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1087

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By bumblebee - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

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24635

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By yulis - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51348

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By Charlotte

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

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29034

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By b.fritz - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15623

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By bob7654 - United States - Arlington

Today, my parents asked me if my girlfriend of two years and I wanted to go see a musical with them. I haven't told them that she broke up with me the day after she met them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10163

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By AOart1st - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36087

You deserved it

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By Her - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36109

You deserved it

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By fffmmll - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

I agree, your life sucks

33884

You deserved it

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By Ladieda - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, my parents think it's so hot outside that it's okay for them to work in the garden naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34528

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 23:02 - Canada

Yeah, fuck the poor

Today, I discovered my deadbeat ex-husband will not have to pay child support anymore, because while he sat on CERB the entire pandemic, I was an essential worker, and will be punished for having had an actual income. FML

I agree, your life sucks

986

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By goldenshower - United States

Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

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Top comments

By aFreedom127 | 9

#3882108 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:10

Chase the thief...it will be good exercise.

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3882115 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:11

Fucking garden gnomes. Always causing mischief.

COMMENTS

By Pinkanani | 12

#3882094 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:08

You waited...

EvilPotato | 14

#3882153 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:17

Sorry OP I need it too. I'll return it in two days.

Keyman1212 | 14

#3882174 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:22

All I can think of in the situation is "N**** stole my bike!" From that old NES game Punch Out. I'm such a terrible person... :(

dirtroadboy | 7

#3882209 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:29

Should have put it up properly.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#3882305 - Saturday 14 January 2012 13:01

I guess you just weren't meant to lose any weight

cheerbabe3254 | 4

#3882724 - Saturday 14 January 2012 15:35

Ya OP u can still run or condition!!! Or buy a new bike!

f_my_flip_life | 5

#3882996 - Saturday 14 January 2012 16:22

Running is better than using a bike anyway. No excuses this time, OP!

BrickWalls | 2

#3884462 - Saturday 14 January 2012 22:38

ITS A SIGN!!!

:D!

iamesauce | 4

#3885021 - Sunday 15 January 2012 0:56

What the fuck is a Fitness Regime?

Vegeto30294 | 19

#3885364 - Sunday 15 January 2012 2:05

"Tonight, the bike was stolen"? The bike was stolen in the future?

By aFreedom127 | 9

#3882108 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:10

Chase the thief...it will be good exercise.

bustub2 | 8

#3882268 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:45

Hey aFreedom, do you want to play a game where you answer questions with pictures?

aFreedom127 | 9

#3882307 - Saturday 14 January 2012 13:01

Sure

TylerBurden | 21

#3882518 - Saturday 14 January 2012 14:33

Hope she got a razor at home...

aFreedom127 | 9

#3885303 - Sunday 15 January 2012 1:55

Tired of FML deleting my comments!

By TylerBurden | 21

#3882110 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:10

Doesn't matter, you can still run....

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3882115 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:11

Fucking garden gnomes. Always causing mischief.

ICATiger | 13

#3882179 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:23

Those things freak the hell out of me with their small beady eyes

sheethapins | 13

#3882773 - Saturday 14 January 2012 15:47

Yeah but they offer great travel rates.

By Pentium_4 | 26

#3882128 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:13

it's been 6 months, and you haven't been using it much? knowing how shitty the economy is, it was bound to happen, but sorry OP

By lishy1311 | 0

#3882135 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:15

When you want something it always goes missing

By ICATiger | 13

#3882146 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:16

Maybe next time you won't put it off for so long

By Airman1988 | 9

#3882148 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:16

I agree that sucks but if your bike being stolen is all it takes to break your motivation to get fit you werent ever that serious anyway. Break out the running shoes and hit the trails.

By IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3882151 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:17

By stolen you mean "I 'lost it' so I could pretend to have it stolen because I do not want to work out that bad"?

By dirtroadmopar | 0

#3882155 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:17

instead of weight, you lost a bike!