Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight,...

By baby shak - 14/1/2012 07:51 - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

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Miscellaneous

Serious times

Doomed

Pleased to meet you

By - 8/3/2020 20:17

Right in the kisser

Today, I was in sociology class and I raised my hand to ask a question, not realizing that the professor was right behind me. I smacked him right in the face, no doubt reducing my chances of a good grade. FML

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By nothingisreal69 - 1/3/2011 22:21 - Reserved

Today, as I was driving home from work, a bird decided to commit suicide by flying in front of my car. The shock caused me to slam on the brakes, totaling three other cars in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 13:53 - Australia

OCD

Today, I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend. I put on cute undies and a corset because they made the most of my assets. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "The colours don't match." FML

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By still on hol - 27/12/2014 10:12 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I've spent far too long on hold to Apple customer support. Unfortunately the only thing to come from it is I now have "Call me maybe" stuck in my head. FML

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By pissed - 7/7/2016 18:39

Today, I got offered an interview for a job after months of unemployment. It's a 3-month contract 3 hours away from where we live. My boyfriend's reaction was to tell me to move out and take our hamster with me. FML

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By sadface - 18/8/2011 00:23 - Canada

Today, I finally got over the knee injury that has been holding back my military application for 6 months. They sent me to the optometrist, who said my eyes were too bad for service. FML

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By J - 7/2/2009 21:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

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By Milk Dispenser - 12/3/2019 05:00 - United States - Herriman

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

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By female - 31/12/2019 20:00

Today, my nineteen-year-old son attempted to mug me. With a screwdriver. FML

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By Username - 7/6/2011 12:10 - Australia

Today, my Facebook was hacked. The hacker messaged all my online friends, explaining that "I" was overseas, had run out of money and needed help. Not one person cared enough to respond. I guess the hacker picked the wrong target. FML

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By ironies a b*tch - 13/4/2013 05:04 - United States - Chatham

Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML

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By Virginia6810 - 14/10/2019 02:00

Christmas is canceled

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 14:26

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML

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By loser weeper - 26/11/2018 21:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

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By Poorlittlelady - 8/10/2018 22:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I was helping my elderly dementia client with her toilet. I reached in both front and back to pull up her pants for her. "Not too hard, nice and easy..." she said with a weird smile. I looked over to see I was actually pulling her nipple. FML

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By disappointmentafter4years - 12/4/2016 19:31 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after 4 years of staring each other down at the bar, we both finally made a move and ended up at his apartment. After 45 mins of unsuccessfully getting anywhere, I left, to walk home in a hail storm. FML

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By Carrie G. - 27/7/2012 00:46 - United States - Holland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML

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By whoawhat - 11/11/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 16:25 - Serbia - Beograd

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 08:19 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML

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By MalariaFree - 14/6/2009 11:08 - Uganda

Today, I went to a hospital in Uganda, where I'm working with an NGO for the summer. I had a high fever and other symptoms of malaria. They gave me a test, and I don't have malaria. I am now however sick from the water they gave me to wash down a medication to reduce fever. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2011 16:23 - United States

Today, while watching a man in front of me on the bus remove his cap to scratch his noggin, I noticed the swarm of dandruff that was about to nail me in my face. FML

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By betrayed - 19/7/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Big tongue logging on

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 04:08 - United States - Bloomdale

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

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By A - 4/6/2011 19:48 - Canada

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

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By haayloo - 19/10/2010 02:40 - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

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By Rekt - 10/11/2016 05:40 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 10:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss sent me some application forms to check over. After I spell-checked them and returned them, I found out they're going to be used to hire someone to replace me. FML

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By Chronicus Ironia - 17/10/2018 07:30 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

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By Desertdryspell - 20/12/2018 14:00

Today, I dressed up in new lingerie I had bought to surprise my partner. He said "what do you want? Just go to bed instead". So much for that new confidence. FML.

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By Lola - 26/12/2008 06:32 - France

Today, I dressed in my sexiest clothes to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside while I waited. The restaurant owner came out and said, "Hey, you. Go and 'work' somewhere else, please." FML

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By Djcc - 21/2/2012 18:03 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

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By I don't know, son - 16/11/2013 01:53 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

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By you fucking idiot - 19/12/2013 17:20 - United States - Union

Today, I found out the money my husband's been funneling from our bank account wasn't for drugs or gifts for another girl like I thought. It was for a guy he stupidly believed was a foreign diplomat, who supposedly needed to bribe officials in order to send us several million dollars. FML

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By Robert - 27/12/2017 15:00

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

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By catsonuincorns - 15/4/2018 06:00 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

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By fittingroompotty - 2/3/2009 13:38 - United States

Today, the fitting room of the store I worked in smelled really bad. The customers started to complain and since I was on fitting room duty I went to go investigate. A middle aged woman pooped on the floor and then put the chair on top to cover it. FML

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By voltronn - 23/1/2010 05:04 - France

Today, I had to lie to my boyfriend about having plans on tonight so he'd think I had a life outside of him. All my "friends" are going to a party. I'm not invited. FML

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By foreverAlone - 4/4/2016 19:40 - United States - Chesapeake Beach

Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML

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Top comments

By aFreedom127 | 9

#3882108 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:10

Chase the thief...it will be good exercise.

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3882115 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:11

Fucking garden gnomes. Always causing mischief.

COMMENTS

By Pinkanani | 12

#3882094 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:08

You waited...

EvilPotato | 14

#3882153 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:17

Sorry OP I need it too. I'll return it in two days.

Keyman1212 | 14

#3882174 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:22

All I can think of in the situation is "N**** stole my bike!" From that old NES game Punch Out. I'm such a terrible person... :(

dirtroadboy | 7

#3882209 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:29

Should have put it up properly.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#3882305 - Saturday 14 January 2012 13:01

I guess you just weren't meant to lose any weight

cheerbabe3254 | 4

#3882724 - Saturday 14 January 2012 15:35

Ya OP u can still run or condition!!! Or buy a new bike!

f_my_flip_life | 5

#3882996 - Saturday 14 January 2012 16:22

Running is better than using a bike anyway. No excuses this time, OP!

BrickWalls | 2

#3884462 - Saturday 14 January 2012 22:38

ITS A SIGN!!!

:D!

iamesauce | 4

#3885021 - Sunday 15 January 2012 0:56

What the fuck is a Fitness Regime?

Vegeto30294 | 19

#3885364 - Sunday 15 January 2012 2:05

"Tonight, the bike was stolen"? The bike was stolen in the future?

By aFreedom127 | 9

#3882108 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:10

Chase the thief...it will be good exercise.

bustub2 | 8

#3882268 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:45

Hey aFreedom, do you want to play a game where you answer questions with pictures?

aFreedom127 | 9

#3882307 - Saturday 14 January 2012 13:01

Sure

TylerBurden | 21

#3882518 - Saturday 14 January 2012 14:33

Hope she got a razor at home...

aFreedom127 | 9

#3885303 - Sunday 15 January 2012 1:55

Tired of FML deleting my comments!

By TylerBurden | 21

#3882110 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:10

Doesn't matter, you can still run....

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3882115 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:11

Fucking garden gnomes. Always causing mischief.

ICATiger | 13

#3882179 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:23

Those things freak the hell out of me with their small beady eyes

sheethapins | 13

#3882773 - Saturday 14 January 2012 15:47

Yeah but they offer great travel rates.

By Pentium_4 | 26

#3882128 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:13

it's been 6 months, and you haven't been using it much? knowing how shitty the economy is, it was bound to happen, but sorry OP

By lishy1311 | 0

#3882135 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:15

When you want something it always goes missing

By ICATiger | 13

#3882146 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:16

Maybe next time you won't put it off for so long

By Airman1988 | 9

#3882148 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:16

I agree that sucks but if your bike being stolen is all it takes to break your motivation to get fit you werent ever that serious anyway. Break out the running shoes and hit the trails.

By IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3882151 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:17

By stolen you mean "I 'lost it' so I could pretend to have it stolen because I do not want to work out that bad"?

By dirtroadmopar | 0

#3882155 - Saturday 14 January 2012 12:17

instead of weight, you lost a bike!