Valentine's slay, Looking good and Love: Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When... - FML

By fuglymug - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

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Valentine's slay

Dangling modifier

Commando

Vulture

By ManagerWithoutRespect - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, one of my co-workers threw a piece of garbage at the waste bin beside me. When it missed, he said, "Aw, I missed the garbage... and the bin beside it." FML

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By Drew - United States - Newark

Today, at school, I wore a back brace because I have fractured vertebrae. During first period, a girl tapped me on the back to ask me a question. It made a "knocking on wood" sound. She looked at me like I was a freak. FML

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By tnt007 - France

Today, I saw what I thought was a gallon jug of water. Trying to do something spontaneous and fun, I took my hardest swing at it to see how far I could kick it. It was frozen solid. I broke my foot. FML

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By norestforthewicked

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By apparently_disabled - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML

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By Gothicbunnyx3 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 7 year old son it's not polite to jack off in public. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

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By chi-huaHUA - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

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By BrokeButSmart - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my boss reprimanded me in front of the rest of the staff for "not following instructions" because I went to a company meeting. I have the email from him telling me to go to the meeting. He thinks I faked it. Unemployment sucks. FML

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By minnie - 23/2/2021 04:58

#1 Mom of the Year

Today, while trying to walk past my mother in the hallway, I hesitated because she suddenly moved to the side. She screamed at me for a solid five minutes about not being able to "predict her movements." And she wonders why I’m suicidal. FML

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By ChangMu - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

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By PlayTag - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

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By ahddib - United States

Today, I started making love to my wife as soon as the kids were occupied. She just laid there the whole time and never responded, except for a few times to say "Ouch." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 21:30 - United States

Always carry around a pencil with you

Today, while at work, I took one of the biggest dumps I've taken in my life. The turd was so big, I took a pencil and chopped it into small pieces because I was afraid it would clog up the toilet. FML

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By thatonekid - United States

Today, my best friend told me she was pregnant over the phone. While in the middle of telling her congrats, she told me it was with my boyfriend. FML

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By boobswerehere - United States - Reno

Today, I went to visit my best friend at her house. I saw her five-year-old brother playing in the front yard, and as I walked up to the door he shouted, "Boobs are here! Boobs are here!" FML

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By look at the fucking universe, lady - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

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By chachi - United States

Today, I awoke in bed with my boyfriend and his dog. After some pushing and prodding, I thought my boyfriend was trying to move the dog out of the way to cuddle with me. It turns out, he was moving the dog closer to him. My boyfriend would rather spoon with his dog than me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to dress up a little to go out to the bar. I put on a nice shirt, some leggings and heels. When I walked out the door my dad said that I looked like a whore. When I got to my boyfriends house I told him what my dad had said and he replied "I'd have to agree with him." FML

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By Forgotten

Today, my girlfriend has memory issues because of a car accident. She broke up with me because I was acting like if things were more serious that she wanted them to be. She forgot she proposed. FML

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By Drunken Sailor - United States

Today, I found out my new Commanding Officer is my ex-wife's new boyfriend. We're going on a two year tour at sea in two weeks. The reason we got a divorce is that she couldn't handle being tied down with someone in the Navy. FML

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By forever alone - United States - Pawling

Today, I was video chatting my boyfriend. As we were talking, he answered a phone call. I sat there the whole time as he planned a date with some other girl over the phone. FML

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By mocass’1 - France

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

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By Mj - Canada - Windsor

Today, I farted in a public pool and watched in horror as bubbles of death gas floated up beside my son who started calling me the fart monster in front of everyone. FML

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By ChaosFerret - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

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By Hikara - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

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By Sean - United States

Today, I went to my insurance company to deal with some paperwork. One of their employees backed into my car before I made it into the building. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, the kids I teach informed me that I had spelled my name incorrectly on the board. I looked at it and assured them that I had spelled it correctly. I'm 22 and a graduate student, they're six and mentally challenged. Guess who was right? FML

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By Failure - United States

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

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By nerp - Canada - Toronto

Today, a stranger had a go at me for smoking while pregnant. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Norsborg

Today, it was the first time I was going to fly first class. I ended up in the bathroom almost the whole flight with diarrhea. FML

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By Gottalovepeople

Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stockport

Sexy morning

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

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By selfishsexysanta - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Mask off

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for a year is and always has been gay. I was apparently "an amazingly convenient beard" for his ultra-religious family. FML

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By doglove

Hey, it's the Christmas card dude!

Today, I was looking through old childhood pictures for my father's funeral and I found one of our old Christmas cards. I looked at it and noticed in the background our two dogs enjoying very spirited sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wigan

Boom!

Today, my dad stumbled home drunk at closing time and woke the whole house with a bang by attempting to heat a tin of baked beans in the microwave, without removing the beans from the tin first. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, I came to a realization that the closest people to me in my life, the ones who are warm and welcoming, who're happy to see me, who honestly wanna know how I've been and how I feel, whose smiles make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, are the baristas at Starbucks, not my actual 'friends'. FML

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Top comments

By wheresthesafety | 31

#6505832 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:41

Jokes on her because the beast turns out to be handsome as fuck

By tiger820 | 20

#6505834 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:42

and what's wrong with that? if your ugly and got a hot chick it means you really did something right or got a lot of money.... either way it's a win to me.

COMMENTS

By wheresthesafety | 31

#6505832 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:41

Jokes on her because the beast turns out to be handsome as fuck

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#6505890 - Saturday 9 January 2016 16:30

I would of said beast in the sheets. Without hesitation.

Reply

TH_Insomniak | 15

#6506149 - Saturday 9 January 2016 23:50

I bet her family would love you. (depending on the age of the girl)

Reply

ArmchairAnalyst | 9

#6507405 - Monday 11 January 2016 9:10

Um, yes..in the fairy tale. This is real life and OP is prob still a beast.

By tiger820 | 20

#6505834 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:42

and what's wrong with that? if your ugly and got a hot chick it means you really did something right or got a lot of money.... either way it's a win to me.

Reply

Levant7552 | 9

#6505961 - Saturday 9 January 2016 19:17

being ugly is a win to you. okay.

Reply

scyth3s | 13

#6506026 - Saturday 9 January 2016 20:28

Work on your reading comprehension. #2 said if op got a hot girl despite being ugly, he either did something right or was rich. Either way, win. rich = win, doing something right = win.

You clearly did not get a win at basic reading.

Reply

rldostie | 19

#6506049 - Saturday 9 January 2016 20:55

I don't think being rich and having a girl date you only for your money is a win, though. That's pretty much a lose.

Reply

tomvertigo | 17

#6506090 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:08

Amen, #38. Money does not attract people in search of love.

Reply

sk8erd | 15

#6506871 - Sunday 10 January 2016 20:28

Best comment xD

By rldostie | 19

#6505837 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:45

She seems to like you just the way you are otherwise you wouldn't be dating. Though it does suck that she's aware you're not as attractive as her, I'm guessing she doesn't care and likes your other qualities more. I'd say that's a win.

By muncherofice | 19

#6505839 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:46

It sucks OP but as long as your happy thats all that matters. And if I remember correctly at the end of beauty and the beast he still keeps the girl and lives in q castle with her.

By jake131000 | 21

#6505840 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:46

It was a joke. Most girls don't knowingly date ugly guys.

Reply

KittyLahv | 27

#6505865 - Saturday 9 January 2016 15:12

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Reply

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6505879 - Saturday 9 January 2016 15:41

I think you mean "beer holder". lol

Reply

littlekellilee | 45

#6505957 - Saturday 9 January 2016 19:11

I usually date guys based off personality and our chemistry. Looks are not that high on the list of things I look for in a guy. Although I would never say my boyfriend is a beast.

Reply

jake131000 | 21

#6505963 - Saturday 9 January 2016 19:20

Why is my comment disliked? I'm literally talking about UGLY, not average. I guess it doesn't matter anyway, maybe this thinking is probably the reason why i am single.

Reply

Ienvyp | 11

#6506110 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:53

I dont see anything wrong with the comment...

Reply

upsetpastry | 10

#6506296 - Sunday 10 January 2016 4:58

That's why your bio says single

By gary8082 | 14

#6505841 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:48

Shame on you, OP! You shouldn't let anyone call your girlfriend a beast, even her own family.

By nomasuras | 17

#6505849 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:55

Bit brutal but nothing wrong with beast since beast with a beauty is a win ??

Reply

_The_Dude_ | 8

#6505920 - Saturday 9 January 2016 17:40

Yeah, well, that's just like uhh, your opinion, man.

Reply

Crazyjohnb | 23

#6507196 - Monday 11 January 2016 4:50

#25 Why are you downvoted for such a awesome reference.

By itsthewayitis | 10

#6505851 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:57

that family must feel bad that they called their daughter a beast

By freya1998 | 23

#6505852 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:58

ouch.. sorry, that must hurt! at least you've got yourself a beauty ;)

By dirty_dan_ | 15

#6505857 - Saturday 9 January 2016 15:06

Quit whining you douche bag. She's dating you so just get over it