Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When... - FML

By fuglymug - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

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Valentine's slay

Rock, hard place

Yappy neighborhood

Does it taste good?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother got his very first paycheck and blew it all on weed and a godawful tattoo, whereas I have been saving steadily for three years. Yet according to mum and dad, I'm the one who is irresponsible with money, because if I was being responsible I'd have enough for my own house by now. FML

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By snickerdoodles - France

Today, I was sparring with a guy in my Tae Kwon Do class. He had a hard-on the entire time we were sparring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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By xxruby - United States - Katy

Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML

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By blaahh - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy I've liked since the beginning of the year. All I could say was, "I have to pee", and ran into the men's bathroom. FML

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By szechuansauce

Today, my nine-year-old niece found my coloring book that features swear words. I took it away and hid it in a different spot. No less than an hour later, her younger sister found it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 08:01

When pranks go wrong

Today, as punishment for a prank, my girlfriend has banned all forms of sex, kissing or touching for the foreseeable future. She’s also started stripping as soon as she gets home and walking around in just her thong, or sometimes even completely naked, just to make my suffering worse. FML

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By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Merrimack

Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML

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By My Body Hates me - 30/7/2020 05:01

What's next?

Today, I was diagnosed with a severe bladder infection that has left me in excruciating pain. A month ago, I had an ovarian cyst rupture. A few weeks before that, I badly sprained my elbow. Before that, I had the flu. I think my body is mutinying one organ system at a time. FML

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By wtf - United Kingdom

Today, my parents staged a family intervention and gave me the grandest bollocking I've ever experienced in all my 22 years of life. They did this because my sister showed them a photo of me jokingly posing with three bottles of Bud Light at a party. Apparently, I'm an alcoholic in denial. FML

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By FennFoxx - United States - Cheraw

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

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By pussyface96 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I asked a girl I like to the movies. Wanting her to lean on me and stay in my arms during the movie, I chose a horror film. I screamed like a pussy the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pratt

Judgment Day

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on came over to my house. My Dad came in to see how we we're doing, looks at me and says "Man... You've REALLY been puttin' on the pounds!", pokes me in the stomach a few times, and leaves. FML

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By DumbLackofLuck - United States

Today, I waited until the last minute to do my Christmas shopping. Today, I also discovered that my bank account has been frozen due to suspicious activity. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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By crazygirl12 - United States

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

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By Walking in a Winter Wonderland - United States - Jupiter

Today, my dandruff got so bad that when I sneezed on the bus, it created a "blizzard" of dandruff, covering me, and two others in it. I'm now known as "Winter Wonderland". FML

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By Maju - Netherlands

Dumb, but relatable

Today, I hit my toe against a table. Out of frustration, I kicked the table and broke my little toe. FML

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By hannahg - United States - Romulus

Today, my dad yelled at me for being irresponsible while he watched me fold his laundry. FML

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By kqwarrior - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at the airport with a cast on my leg, I fell backwards onto my suitcase. My family was too busy to notice my squirming as I tried to get up, so a kind woman awkwardly helped me off the ground. Later on, I found out my dad saw me but thought someone would help me "soon enough." FML

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By Anonymous - Colombia - Bogot?

Any damage? Who nose?

Today, it's the seventh day after my nose job. I was taking something out of a box and pulled too hard. I punched myself in the nose. FML

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By fail - United States - Greeneville

Today, I found out how my parents met. They met at a mental hospital, where they were both being hospitalized. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

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By mommycooks - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Interference

Today, my family came over for Thanksgiving. We were supposed to have had dinner hours ago, but my mom kept sneaking into the kitchen and dialing down the temperature on the oven, claiming I was going to overcook everything. At this rate, we'll be lucky to have eaten by midnight. FML

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By HELP - United States

Today, I moved into a new house. The landlord insists it's OK for her to come up whenever she wants because she owns the house. We aren't allowed to lock the doors and she has two 8-year-olds. They come into the bathroom every time they hear the shower running. We have a clear shower curtain. FML

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By AkaiKitsune

Today, a customer passed out in the bathroom, so we didn't realize he was there until after closing. I don't know what he'd shot up, but whatever it was told him he should run around naked. It's been two hours and the cops still haven't shown up. I can't leave until he does. FML

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By GrippedMyBalls - Korea Republic of

Today, at martial arts practice, a guest sensei wanted to teach me some "manners". He pinned me down and proceded to choke me while crushing my nuts with his hands and yelling at me in front of the whole class, "DOES THAT HURT?!!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 20:00

Increase school funding, please?

Today, my teacher began to explain Veterans' Day and why it's on 11/11 to a new student from Iran. He said he already knew, but this was news to almost everyone else in the class. FML

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By Steve.mc - Canada

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

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By fuck the man-dominated construction business - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear virginal jokes about women drivers from now on. FML

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By tammylauraine - United States

Today, after handing out several résumés for several jobs, I realized that I forgot to add my phone number to them. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2020 02:00

Pampered

Today, I'm 25-years-old and I need to wear an adult diaper as I have lost my bladder control. FML

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By can't shut my mouth - United States - Houston

Manage your way out of that one

Today, after a string of crappy employees had come and gone over the month, I was joking to my manager that maybe we should move the "Now Hiring" sign further away from the trash can so we'd stop getting garbage hires. The new girl was right behind me. I'll be her trainer all week. FML

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By Justaddwater - France

Today, I spent an hour and a half trying to rid my house of smoke and burnt plastic smell because my little sister didn't know she was supposed to add water in the package of microwaveable mac and cheese. FML

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Top comments

By wheresthesafety | 31

#6505832 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:41

Jokes on her because the beast turns out to be handsome as fuck

By tiger820 | 20

#6505834 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:42

and what's wrong with that? if your ugly and got a hot chick it means you really did something right or got a lot of money.... either way it's a win to me.

COMMENTS

By wheresthesafety | 31

#6505832 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:41

Jokes on her because the beast turns out to be handsome as fuck

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#6505890 - Saturday 9 January 2016 16:30

I would of said beast in the sheets. Without hesitation.

Reply

TH_Insomniak | 15

#6506149 - Saturday 9 January 2016 23:50

I bet her family would love you. (depending on the age of the girl)

Reply

ArmchairAnalyst | 9

#6507405 - Monday 11 January 2016 9:10

Um, yes..in the fairy tale. This is real life and OP is prob still a beast.

By tiger820 | 20

#6505834 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:42

and what's wrong with that? if your ugly and got a hot chick it means you really did something right or got a lot of money.... either way it's a win to me.

Reply

Levant7552 | 9

#6505961 - Saturday 9 January 2016 19:17

being ugly is a win to you. okay.

Reply

scyth3s | 13

#6506026 - Saturday 9 January 2016 20:28

Work on your reading comprehension. #2 said if op got a hot girl despite being ugly, he either did something right or was rich. Either way, win. rich = win, doing something right = win.

You clearly did not get a win at basic reading.

Reply

rldostie | 19

#6506049 - Saturday 9 January 2016 20:55

I don't think being rich and having a girl date you only for your money is a win, though. That's pretty much a lose.

Reply

tomvertigo | 17

#6506090 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:08

Amen, #38. Money does not attract people in search of love.

Reply

sk8erd | 15

#6506871 - Sunday 10 January 2016 20:28

Best comment xD

By rldostie | 19

#6505837 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:45

She seems to like you just the way you are otherwise you wouldn't be dating. Though it does suck that she's aware you're not as attractive as her, I'm guessing she doesn't care and likes your other qualities more. I'd say that's a win.

By muncherofice | 19

#6505839 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:46

It sucks OP but as long as your happy thats all that matters. And if I remember correctly at the end of beauty and the beast he still keeps the girl and lives in q castle with her.

By jake131000 | 21

#6505840 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:46

It was a joke. Most girls don't knowingly date ugly guys.

Reply

KittyLahv | 27

#6505865 - Saturday 9 January 2016 15:12

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Reply

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6505879 - Saturday 9 January 2016 15:41

I think you mean "beer holder". lol

Reply

littlekellilee | 45

#6505957 - Saturday 9 January 2016 19:11

I usually date guys based off personality and our chemistry. Looks are not that high on the list of things I look for in a guy. Although I would never say my boyfriend is a beast.

Reply

jake131000 | 21

#6505963 - Saturday 9 January 2016 19:20

Why is my comment disliked? I'm literally talking about UGLY, not average. I guess it doesn't matter anyway, maybe this thinking is probably the reason why i am single.

Reply

Ienvyp | 11

#6506110 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:53

I dont see anything wrong with the comment...

Reply

upsetpastry | 10

#6506296 - Sunday 10 January 2016 4:58

That's why your bio says single

By gary8082 | 14

#6505841 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:48

Shame on you, OP! You shouldn't let anyone call your girlfriend a beast, even her own family.

By nomasuras | 17

#6505849 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:55

Bit brutal but nothing wrong with beast since beast with a beauty is a win ??

Reply

_The_Dude_ | 8

#6505920 - Saturday 9 January 2016 17:40

Yeah, well, that's just like uhh, your opinion, man.

Reply

Crazyjohnb | 23

#6507196 - Monday 11 January 2016 4:50

#25 Why are you downvoted for such a awesome reference.

By itsthewayitis | 10

#6505851 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:57

that family must feel bad that they called their daughter a beast

By freya1998 | 23

#6505852 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:58

ouch.. sorry, that must hurt! at least you've got yourself a beauty ;)

By dirty_dan_ | 15

#6505857 - Saturday 9 January 2016 15:06

Quit whining you douche bag. She's dating you so just get over it