Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When... - FML

By fuglymug - 8/1/2016 21:48 - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

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Valentine's slay

Honesty is the best policy

Ghosted

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 12/2/2015 20:14 - Canada - Ajax

Today, I discovered that my male coworker, who coincidentally shares my last name, has been telling everyone we're married. I'm 26; he's 58. FML

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By Sheev - 18/10/2019 06:00 - United States - San Francisco

This Charming Man

Today, I was texting the guy I like. I asked him why our friend didn't want to come to the movies with us. He replied, "She didn't want to be the third wheel, but it's not like I'm going to put the moves on you. I'm out of your league, and you're socially awkward anyway." That's just what I wanted. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2014 18:24 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Can't, bigamy's illegal." I still don't know if she was joking or not, because she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention it. FML

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By Vkaz - 2/10/2014 18:20 - United States - Tampa

Today, in the men's room a guy using the adjacent toilet dropped his phone, and it fell right next to my foot. The screen was facing upward, and looked like he was taking pictures of his junk in the office toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2015 20:24

Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML

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By minnie - 28/8/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was feeling sick and I farted so loud in the school's girls bathroom. Some boys overheard from the hall and called everyone over. I came out only to find about 20 guys staring anxiously at the bathroom's door to see who I was. FML

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By Cali girl - 3/4/2014 16:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up again to a warm trickling sensation on my neck. It would seem my rabbit has a thing for doing his business on me to wake me up. FML

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By Fred - 26/5/2011 06:00 - Canada

Today, I went to hand in a resume. The secretary happened to be a girl I liked in high school. When leaving, I shook hands with the employer, waved goodbye to the girl, turned around and walked straight into a glass wall. FML

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By RR - 11/7/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I went with my sister to get our eyebrows waxed. I didn't think my eyebrows were that bad--and they weren't! When the guy waxed my eyebrows, he gestured my lips and said, "Moustache, too?" Mortified, I said, "No!" to which he replied, "Aw, someone no get kissy tonight." FML

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By doesn't fuck on the first, thank god - 23/3/2014 20:25 - United Kingdom - Southend-on-sea

Today, my brother tried to pay me to teach him how to French-kiss, so he wouldn't screw up on his first date. I'm shocked that the weirdo managed to get a date in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 09:20 - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, some friends got upset with me as I wouldn't leave work early and cycle 12 miles to meet them to fix their punctures because they had no spare tubes or repair kits. The same friends that always mock me for being so prepared on bike rides. FML

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By BigDreamer - 9/2/2019 02:00

Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up with a really hot girl. Not a sex dream. A dream where I was sitting in a room alone and imagining myself hooking up with this really hot girl. Even in my dreams I can only imagine. FML

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By Brian - 23/12/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By kherien - 12/8/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 23:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked outside to find someone had egged my house and smashed a pumpkin onto my car. I later discovered that the perpetrator was my own 8 year old son. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 20:55 - United States

Today, at work, I screamed, used one of my employees as a human shield, dove for cover, and cried. Why? A bat flew into my store. Bats scare me shitless. FML

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By Eric Forrest - 24/2/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, while at a work meeting, I finally summoned up the courage to share and express my opinions about unprofessionalism in the office. After the meeting, I went to clean up, only to notice in the bathroom mirror that I'd had a booger pasted across my forehead throughout the meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2020 18:00

This Charming Man

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. It didn't go well since unfortunately he’s the guy I had to remove from the club I’m the bouncer at, and had to report to the police for getting drunk, stroking himself over his pants and taking photos in the ladies toilets. FML

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By lindsey789 - 7/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

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By shook - 6/9/2017 14:00 - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

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By dreamer2639 - 3/7/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML

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By soccerbooty - 7/6/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML

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By ashlyn - 6/8/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to pick up some of my clothes from my boyfriend's apartment. While searching under his bed he pulled out a tank top and bra and asked if they were mine. They weren't. FML

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By anon - 17/9/2019 22:00

Roll with it

Today, my boyfriend encouragingly told me that he could tell I was losing weight, all because I had one roll fewer than usual on my stomach. FML

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By GshDrnt - 21/4/2011 02:57 - United States

Today, I logged on to Facebook and had 64 notifications. I thought that perhaps I was popular. But no, it was my ten year old sister, liking 64 of my pictures. FML

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By Lucie - 23/12/2013 01:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boyfriend got us kicked out of the Apple store for getting into a heated argument with the guy at the Genius Bar about which video game avatar is hotter. FML

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By smallfrie32 - 23/11/2010 05:22

Today, I realized that 95% of my facebook friends added me only because they think my sisters are hot. FML

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By It's-only15-lbs-extra - 14/12/2017 15:00

Not. Helping.

Today, because of my full-time job, full-time courses, studying for the GRE, anxiety disorder, insomnia, and a recent pet death, I'm on the verge of a breakdown. My mother texted, "Looking through old photos, you were so skinny, what happened?" FML

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By YoushouldsaythattoHER - 12/9/2018 22:00

Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty". Not getting such compliments every day, I felt extremely flattered... Until he started to explain in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2019 02:00

Today, I went to the hairdresser on a spur of the moment decision to get a quick wash and cut. 45 painful minutes and $180 later, I honestly don't know if anything was actually done to my hair. FML

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By anonymous - 14/9/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend cheated on me. But he justified it by saying she was a ginger. FML

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By OwMyBalls - 12/2/2012 06:17

Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML

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By Mortified - 22/7/2009 09:48 - Australia

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2018 19:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML

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By poupi - 25/12/2008 12:57 - France

Today, I was reading the end of my book. I turn the page and see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from my sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML

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By nah - 9/9/2015 19:55 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

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By TLJ321 - 18/5/2012 07:41

Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML

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By killme.jpeg - 18/4/2016 01:04 - Netherlands - Wassenaar

Today, I scored the number of a cute girl. I gave her mine as well, just before leaving the bar. As I waved her goodbye, I attempted to do a cheesy "call me" gesture with my thumb and pinky finger, and winked. For a reason unknown to me, I ended up flipping her off. I still winked though. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 14:00

'Cause I'm a Criminal

Today, I woke up to find both of my bank accounts frozen. My bank informed me that the IRS had ordered a freeze on my assets because of back taxes owed, and would not unfreeze them until the money is paid. The amount? $2.47. FML

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By an egg - 30/10/2015 13:43 - United States - Livonia

Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML

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Top comments

By wheresthesafety | 31

#6505832 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:41

Jokes on her because the beast turns out to be handsome as fuck

By tiger820 | 20

#6505834 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:42

and what's wrong with that? if your ugly and got a hot chick it means you really did something right or got a lot of money.... either way it's a win to me.

Comments

By wheresthesafety | 31

#6505832 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:41

Jokes on her because the beast turns out to be handsome as fuck

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#6505890 - Saturday 9 January 2016 16:30

I would of said beast in the sheets. Without hesitation.

Reply

TH_Insomniak | 15

#6506149 - Saturday 9 January 2016 23:50

I bet her family would love you. (depending on the age of the girl)

Reply

ArmchairAnalyst | 9

#6507405 - Monday 11 January 2016 9:10

Um, yes..in the fairy tale. This is real life and OP is prob still a beast.

By tiger820 | 20

#6505834 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:42

and what's wrong with that? if your ugly and got a hot chick it means you really did something right or got a lot of money.... either way it's a win to me.

Reply

Levant7552 | 9

#6505961 - Saturday 9 January 2016 19:17

being ugly is a win to you. okay.

Reply

scyth3s | 13

#6506026 - Saturday 9 January 2016 20:28

Work on your reading comprehension. #2 said if op got a hot girl despite being ugly, he either did something right or was rich. Either way, win. rich = win, doing something right = win.

You clearly did not get a win at basic reading.

Reply

rldostie | 19

#6506049 - Saturday 9 January 2016 20:55

I don't think being rich and having a girl date you only for your money is a win, though. That's pretty much a lose.

Reply

tomvertigo | 17

#6506090 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:08

Amen, #38. Money does not attract people in search of love.

Reply

sk8erd | 15

#6506871 - Sunday 10 January 2016 20:28

Best comment xD

By rldostie | 19

#6505837 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:45

She seems to like you just the way you are otherwise you wouldn't be dating. Though it does suck that she's aware you're not as attractive as her, I'm guessing she doesn't care and likes your other qualities more. I'd say that's a win.

By muncherofice | 19

#6505839 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:46

It sucks OP but as long as your happy thats all that matters. And if I remember correctly at the end of beauty and the beast he still keeps the girl and lives in q castle with her.

By jake131000 | 21

#6505840 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:46

It was a joke. Most girls don't knowingly date ugly guys.

Reply

KittyLahv | 27

#6505865 - Saturday 9 January 2016 15:12

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Reply

ThrottleJockey | 34

#6505879 - Saturday 9 January 2016 15:41

I think you mean "beer holder". lol

Reply

littlekellilee | 45

#6505957 - Saturday 9 January 2016 19:11

I usually date guys based off personality and our chemistry. Looks are not that high on the list of things I look for in a guy. Although I would never say my boyfriend is a beast.

Reply

jake131000 | 21

#6505963 - Saturday 9 January 2016 19:20

Why is my comment disliked? I'm literally talking about UGLY, not average. I guess it doesn't matter anyway, maybe this thinking is probably the reason why i am single.

Reply

Ienvyp | 11

#6506110 - Saturday 9 January 2016 22:53

I dont see anything wrong with the comment...

Reply

upsetpastry | 10

#6506296 - Sunday 10 January 2016 4:58

That's why your bio says single

By gary8082 | 14

#6505841 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:48

Shame on you, OP! You shouldn't let anyone call your girlfriend a beast, even her own family.

By nomasuras | 17

#6505849 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:55

Bit brutal but nothing wrong with beast since beast with a beauty is a win ??

Reply

_The_Dude_ | 8

#6505920 - Saturday 9 January 2016 17:40

Yeah, well, that's just like uhh, your opinion, man.

Reply

Crazyjohnb | 23

#6507196 - Monday 11 January 2016 4:50

#25 Why are you downvoted for such a awesome reference.

By itsthewayitis | 10

#6505851 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:57

that family must feel bad that they called their daughter a beast

By freya1998 | 23

#6505852 - Saturday 9 January 2016 14:58

ouch.. sorry, that must hurt! at least you've got yourself a beauty ;)

By dirty_dan_ | 15

#6505857 - Saturday 9 January 2016 15:06

Quit whining you douche bag. She's dating you so just get over it