Today, almost half of my birthday party invitees are refusing to attend, simply because my mother-in-law is going to be there, and their hatred of her Karen-like behaviour is greater than their desire to celebrate my birthday. FML
Today, my dad had a chat with my fiancé, telling him he can do better than me, and to think carefully before going through with our wedding. FML
Today, I was kicked out of my review lecture at community college, for "being a disturbance and refusing to stop whistling." I wasn't even given a chance to explain that I have a cold. FML
Today, me, my mom, and my brother lost our house, the place we had lived for my whole life. I can't describe the pain I feel because my whole life was painted around that town. I had also just made friends as we were moving. I now live with 7 other people from my family. I can't be myself and I don't have my own room. FML
Today, I got on the train with my bike, leaning it up against the wall. After a while, it began to slide down the wall and wobble, so I dashed out to catch it. As I ran for it, I slipped and crashed into it, knocking it into an old man and busting the rear brake. FML
Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML
Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML
Today, my mom called me an auntie, as in a "fun aunt that nieces and nephews love to spend time with, but would be a complete disaster as a real mom, in no way, shape or form fit to actually raise a child responsibly." Dad agreed. So did my boyfriend. FML
Today, I found out my husband has been messaging younger girls on Tinder and trying to meet up. I asked him why he would do such a thing when we have a healthy sex life. His response was ,“They’re just hotter, just like that senior football player you cheated on me with in sophomore year high school.” We’re 40 now. FML
Today, I was trying to chat up a girl by showing off my new smartwatch. I proudly said, “It even reads my heartbeat!” It was 132 bpm. She looked at me and asked, “Are you OK? Or just incredibly out of shape from talking to me?” FML
Today, my dad went to the doctor to find out if he is autistic. When we walked in, the doctor asked why he wasn't testing if he was diabetic, effectively calling my dad fat. My dad was deeply offended, so I gave that jackass doctor an earful. But as it turns out, he was correct. My dad does have diabetes. FML
Today, waiting for the bus, this creepy guy in the terminal kept staring at me. Feeling creeped out, I started walking, knowing I could pick up the bus down the street. When the bus drove up, it was almost completely full and the only open seat was next to the creepy dude from the bus station. FML
WhyMeAC tells us more.
Well, for starters, I'm 99% sure this dude was staring at me because we were standing alone in the annex of the bus terminal, and every time I looked up from my book, he was staring. Secondly, it was almost midnight and this was the same terminal my boyfriend was held up at gunpoint outside of less than a year ago, so I was already on edge. Third, I didn't sit down. Because the creepy **** smiled at me when I got on the bus! I stood. But the fact that the only open seat was next to him seemed worth mentioning in context.
Today, fed up with my nerdy appearance, I got my hair shaved off, hoping for a Walter White kind of look. I didn't think it was too bad, but not even an hour later, I'd already been called a "fat Bruce Willis" and compared to a freshly circumcised penis. FML
Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML
Today, I accidentally let slip to my mom that I hardly remember the graduation party she threw me four years ago. She proceeded to verbally assault me for forgetting the special occasion. I had a brain complication two years ago which resulted in some memory loss. Apparently, it's my fault. FML
Today, it's the end of a truly great week. First I got my period, then my boyfriend broke up with me, then I woke up and found a ton of spider bites on me, I got allergies, I almost threw up when I was driving home with my dad, my acne is getting really bad, and I have no money. Amazing week. FML
Today, I was fired over the phone, losing my only source of income. When asked if I was okay, I explained that although I understood why, I was a little peeved they'd chosen my birthday to deliver the message. My - now former - boss then sang "Happy Birthday" to me in its entirety. FML
Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML
Today, I was on webcam for the first time with a guy I've been texting for a while. Trying to show off my guitar skills, I lean down to pick it up and fell on my face. FML
Today, I got a text from my husband’s adult son offering help. I’ve been my husband’s caretaker for 4 years as he battled Parkinson’s and cancer. His son never called once to offer help; when I asked, he refused. Sadly, my husband passed last month. Now his son is offering help because they can’t find the will. FML
Today, I left my four month-old daughter with my boyfriend of three weeks so I could go shopping in peace. I came home four hours later to find her screaming, hungry, with a dirty diaper. When I asked why he didn't do anything to help her, he said, "Why should I? She's not my kid." FML
Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML
Today, my fiance lost his shit when I told him that I’ve decided to go to nursing school. He claims that all nurses are cheating whores and that if I become one we’re through. His source? The troglodytes that thrive in the bowels of the internet. All because one guy got his heart broken by a nurse. FML
Today, I got my dog back from my aunt. Rather than taking him to an actual groomer, I gave him to my aunt because she needed a few extra bucks. My generosity lost me $35, and gave my dog ticks and a bad haircut. FML
Today, I got a better job offer out of the blue, more pay, less work. I informally accepted and handed my notice as legally required. They rescinded the job offer. I'm now unemployed at the end of hiring season. FML
Today, I got a new cell phone. I was unable to retrieve my old contact list from my old phone, so I sent out a mass email asking my friends to "Give me your contact info, unless you don't want me to text/call you!" No one is responding. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years decided to tell an unimaginably rude joke to my grandma while at my house. She hit him over the head with a vase, and he's threatening to press charges. I still don't know whose side to take. FML
Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML
Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML
Today, it's been weeks since my teenage kids have walked the dog I got them; they also don’t play with it, pay it any attention, or feed it. It’s all been me, so since I never wanted it in the first place, I gave it to a friend of my mom's. My kids now think I’m the devil and my husband says I overreacted. FML
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