Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents....

By dileigh - 10/3/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML

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Transportation

Does it taste good?

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Yappy neighborhood

By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 04:28 - United States

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 06:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 18:50 - United States - Bessemer

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

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By gjh - 19/1/2009 03:20 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

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By RosesAreRed - 15/2/2013 06:07 - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, the attractive guy I barely speak to in my statistics class gave me a rose for Valentine's Day because he remembered they were my favorite. My husband got me a roll of quarters and told me to go buy myself "something pretty." FML

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By holyshitbatman - 9/11/2012 04:53 - United States - Toledo

Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2016 13:17 - United States - Waldorf

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors. They have a four month old child and appear to be firm believers in the "let them cry it out" philosophy. The baby's room is right above mine. A few days of trying to sleep through this shit and I'll look like a Walking Dead extra. FML

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By RitaDahhlinnnng - 25/8/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I had my first real date with my first serious boyfriend. I was nervous because from past experience. I learned my lips were a bit ticklish and I usually giggled a bit during kissing. Well, we started making out and I thought was I doing pretty good hiding my laughs. Until I wet myself. FML

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By SimpleSadie - 22/4/2017 16:00

Today, after finally going to therapy for anxiety like everyone wanted, I discovered the itching feeling that kept me awake at night was actually caused by a bedbug infestation. FML

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By Chessmomma3 - 10/5/2019 01:00

Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

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By VelociTheRaptor - 23/5/2017 02:00

Today, I was leaving work after a storm. They're building some new offices outside, so I had to walk on an uneven path near the construction zone. I came to a big puddle and tried to jump across to what I thought was a piece of asphalt. It was mud. I slipped and fell backwards into the puddle. FML

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By Xabeix - 3/6/2019 08:00 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I got a rejection letter after I filed a claim regarding potholes on a high speed road that damaged my vehicle. Two of my tires and very expensive Honda mags, worth 1000$ each, are done for. Meanwhile, the city claims they're working hard to fix the roads. It's been 3 weeks, the potholes are still there and the city says they're not at fault. FML

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By mapleleafs34 - 17/1/2010 19:24 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

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By pk24 - 25/2/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

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By anonymous - 19/7/2012 23:56 - United States - La Verne

Today, I searched our neighborhood for our lost dog. After screaming at the top of our lungs, driving around in circles, and asking strangers, we realized we took him to the groomers this morning. FML

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By LGraham - 16/6/2020 20:08

Weird kid

Today, my nephew kicked me in the balls, again! And he got me fair and square this time. It's the fourth time he's got me in the balls since the pandemic started. I have to put my groin guard from college on and teach him a lesson because he won't listen and he's 12, so he knows what he's doing. FML

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By storyofmylife - 10/6/2015 02:44 - Canada - Truro

Today, my boyfriend and I were hanging out when he suddenly said, "Do you know who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world?" I prepared myself for a cute compliment, until he showed me a picture of another girl. FML

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By BloodyHorror - 11/7/2019 22:00

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

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By ellinor - 17/9/2010 20:33 - Sweden

Today, I was walking outside when I saw my best friend about 100 meters away. I began running towards her, arms flailing, screaming out a tribal battle cry. It wasn't until I was nearly on top of her that I realised it was someone else. FML

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By Username - 24/11/2010 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2009 09:04 - Australia

Today, as a respected artist I was running a workshop with a bunch of rowdy college kids. I was in the middle of demonstrating a painting technique when I accidentally washed my paintbrush in my coffee instead of my paint water. They waited until I then drank from it to burst out in hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 01:57 - United States

Today, I found out everybody at work thinks I'm a lesbian because they thought my boyfriend was a girl. FML

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By SwoopingEagle - 9/6/2017 20:00

Today, my co-workers were laughing at me because I couldn't throw paper into the bin, regardless of how close I was. Annoyed, I tried to prove then wrong by angry throwing paper into the bin that was no less that 1 cm away from me. I missed. FML

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By ouch - 24/7/2013 18:03 - United States - Sterling

Today, I spontaneously got my ear pierced. By spontaneously, I mean my 12-year-old sister stabbed one of her earrings into my ear while I was sleeping. She claimed the freckle on my earlobe looks "exactly the same" as the hole from her ear piercing. FML

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By Jay - 6/5/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up some supplies for a presentation. I entered the store in the middle of an armed robbery, was knocked to the floor, and had my cash, phone and credit cards stolen. When I told my boss the story, she said, "So were you able to get the binder clips?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2009 08:04 - United States

Today, I got a new job. I'm 26 and I left an amazing job to move back to be around my family. I have no choice but to take this job. I will be placing my finger in a dead turkeys ass, cutting open its stomach, and ripping out its guts. 15 per minute. FML

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By insultedguy - 3/1/2011 17:28 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store and ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. We chatted a little, and just as I was leaving he grabbed his mobile phone. Later, I added him on Facebook. Turns out the last thing he posted was a picture of my back saying: "Look who got even fatter." FML

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By NotAParabola - 7/10/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend over webcam with a cute negligee. He was doing homework. Half an hour later, he finally noticed. Apparently pre-calc is more interesting than his girlfriend. I guess polynomials are just curvier than me. FML

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By prinzess - 9/12/2010 14:20 - Germany

Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML

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By wide awake - 31/7/2020 14:01

Noise

Today, I'm spending the night at my family’s house. I have to share a room with my two kids and their mother. The three of them snore like warthogs in a zoo. Desperate for sleep, I went to go sleep on the couch. The dog sleeping on the rug snores like an old truck. I’m never going to get any sleep. FML

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By Noname - 11/3/2009 07:37 - United States

Today, while showering in my dorm, a hand reaches through the curtain and grabs my ass. I hit the person on the other side of the curtain. He opened the curtain thinking that I was his girlfriend. He apologized and he had sex with his girlfriend in the shower stall next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2020 23:00

No good deed goes unpunished

Today, I went in for my first day of work. I told them three months in advance that I was going away for 2 weeks to build a school in a third world country. I was fired. FML

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By anon - 19/6/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 21:16 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

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By nomorebeard - 25/3/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

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By elisabeth_pwnes - 16/3/2012 10:38 - Norway

Today, my fiancé came home drunk with some girl. Then he told her that I was his sister. FML

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By Noname - 3/2/2009 20:25 - United States

Today, my 4 year old niece asked me why I didn't have a job or wife. FML

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By help me - 1/6/2014 15:51 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

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By Gennifer - 22/4/2012 05:20 - United States - Hackensack

Today, I found out my fiancé has been cheating on me for the past month. The lady he has been seeing is a choreographer that was teaching him how to dance salsa for our wedding rehearsal. FML

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By TasedAndDazed - 9/10/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

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Top comments

By Danny_Shakes | 0

#25292 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:00

My parents bought me a suitcase after graduation so I could move all my shit our of their house.

By trying_madly | 0

#25284 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 23:57

how funny, that's what i got for my 18th birthday from my parents, to add to the three i already had. My older brother got a computer.

I guess bath robes are the universal sign of parental love.

COMMENTS

By yeahreally | 6

#25274 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 23:55

that sucks....either its the recession, parents who play favorites or just downright suck

Immatheprez | 0

#2785130 - Wednesday 29 June 2011 16:05

maybe they want you to be the next hugh hefner????

rcbarnes | 24

#4090697 - Sunday 26 February 2012 7:31

Way to re-enforce the gender stereotypes, eh?

patriotsfan12 | 4

#5232664 - Monday 10 December 2012 7:09

Guess they ran out of money :(

Kielnmsoftly | 26

#6440286 - Tuesday 20 October 2015 22:42

@122 go take your sjw ass to another site.

By surething | 0

#25282 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 23:57

My parents didnt even want to buy me dinner when I graduated...

aznbitch | 0

#851188 - Saturday 13 February 2010 8:37

wow imm sorry. when i graduated 8th grade; my parents got me a MacBook.

PurpleSquirrel | 0

#973779 - Sunday 4 April 2010 1:56

that's because you're asian

lntreis_fml | 0

#1611463 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 17:15

lol

Noelletakumi | 36

#6074004 - Thursday 25 September 2014 22:30

99, nobody cares.

By Kassad_fml | 0

#25283 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 23:57

That`s not good at all.. bad parenting.

By trying_madly | 0

#25284 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 23:57

how funny, that's what i got for my 18th birthday from my parents, to add to the three i already had. My older brother got a computer.

I guess bath robes are the universal sign of parental love.

By ohhboyy | 0

#25291 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:00

dont they feel slightly awkward, or are they too ignorant to notice how wrong that is

By Danny_Shakes | 0

#25292 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:00

My parents bought me a suitcase after graduation so I could move all my shit our of their house.

By replicate | 0

#25294 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:01

My mom bought me a pair of tweezers... she bought my brothers a weeklong trip to London and a car. So I feel you there.

By generalsmith | 0

#25297 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:01

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By tanmandown | 0

#25310 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:05

Buy them a stick of butter for their anniversary to show how much YOU care about THEM... and how whore-ish you think they are for pulling this sort of crap on you.

By zoopy_fml | 0

#25316 - Wednesday 11 March 2009 0:08

Economy's in the shitter, thems the times!

Maybe all of the gifts are meant to be combined for one joint experience. Ring+ bathrobe + Europe = YES!

JustTemporary | 24

#4786617 - Wednesday 8 August 2012 8:24

Bracelet*