Miscellaneous: Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd...

By a - 29/03/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 685

You deserved it 2 131

Miscellaneous

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Mama's boy

Wrong place, wrong time

By whenlifeisalemon - 09/01/2016 23:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waited patiently in the airport as my flight was repeatedly delayed. After 5 long hours I approached one of the attendees to discover that the plane had left 5 minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 417

You deserved it 3 472

By Kyrstin Budd - 13/04/2017 12:00

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 806

You deserved it 492

By Ouch - 22/05/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 365

You deserved it 13 221

By Anonymous - 07/11/2015 05:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 672

You deserved it 1 829

Cart Narcs will get ya!

By May - 10/01/2021 20:01

Today, my dad forced me to leave my empty shopping cart in the middle of a store, rather than return it to the corral. My dad’s word is law, and all I can think about is how much of an asshole I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 176

By anon - 09/11/2016 20:54 - United States - Laurel

Today, my boyfriend sent me an article about how smelling farts can reduce dementia then added, "You're welcome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 865

You deserved it 887

By x_udontknowme_x - 05/01/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, while I was out of the office, I'd left my phone charging inside. My boss informed me that since I am clearly running up her electricity bill, it will be deducted out of my already nearly non existent paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 254

You deserved it 4 343

By PlsForget - 18/08/2016 21:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 601

You deserved it 1 278

By fuckadaisical - 06/12/2013 20:23 - United Kingdom - Pontypridd

Today, my boyfriend's idea of foreplay was to offer to make lunch, leave the room for a few minutes, then come back with no clothes on and offer me a "cockmeat sandwich". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 282

You deserved it 8 867

By Anonymous - 17/06/2017 22:00 - United States - Holland

Today, after an argument, my boyfriend called me a fart knocker and gave me a wedgie. Apparently, I'm dating an 10-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 523

You deserved it 1 022

By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 23:42 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I met someone really cool and their departing words were, for some odd reason, "We should totally be friends, I mean unless you're schizophrenic or something, haha!" I have schizophrenia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 020

You deserved it 2 415

By Anonymous - 23/07/2019 14:03

Today, my wife let two Jehovah's Witnesses in for a chat, then deliberately went to a neighbour's for "2 minutes," and left me with them for half-an-hour, with them refusing to take my hints to leave. In the end, I told them to fuck off, just as the wife arrived home, and she got mad at me for being rude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 176

By Anonymous - 24/08/2011 08:03 - United States

Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 342

You deserved it 3 282

By nick - 06/03/2011 01:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 351

You deserved it 3 800

By brooklyn0118 - 12/09/2018 15:00

Today, I got home to find my dog had found and eaten my wedding rings. I get married in 2 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 768

You deserved it 536

Classy Mom

By Meowitzer - 14/09/2019 22:00

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 230

You deserved it 1 018

By cwell88 - 21/06/2015 13:29

Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen so I went to work. On my walk to work a girl pulls up on my bike and says I need to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. Hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass as police surround me and accuse me of stealing my own bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 663

You deserved it 1 764

By Ihaveaheadache - 09/02/2012 05:37 - United States

Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 895

You deserved it 2 153

By Tom - 01/11/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 826

You deserved it 4 797

By ManchotDesAndes - 26/02/2015 07:35 - France - Bezons

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 246

You deserved it 11 121

By Anonymous - 15/07/2017 00:30 - Italy - Verona

Today, as I woke up, the first thing I saw was a bee on my hand. I tried not to make the slightest move, waiting for it to fly away without stinging me. The second thing I saw was my cat jumping at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 686

You deserved it 428

By not anymore - 30/10/2015 23:29 - United States - Monroe

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 367

You deserved it 4 823

By paranoid - 06/06/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 659

You deserved it 54 968

By Ghettogirl4life - 12/07/2011 13:34 - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 963

You deserved it 3 157

By pchis4ever - 20/11/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 523

You deserved it 36 795

By Anonymous - 06/10/2010 08:30 - Netherlands

Today, I had sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he said: "I know women who would be really self-conscious about nipples like that. I love that you accept yourself." I had no clue there was anything odd about my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 872

You deserved it 3 707

Father of the year

By Anonymous - 31/05/2020 05:00

Today, I realised that anyone who claims they enjoyed spending quality time together with their spouse and children during quarantine is a liar, a big fat liar. I know my kids aren’t even 10 yet, but god, I can’t wait for them to get houses of their own and move the fuck out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 1 887

By Ab - 10/02/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I ran out of underwear and so I went into my mom's drawer to borrow a pair from her. It was then that I found out my mom uses the same vibrator as I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 259

You deserved it 42 602

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 870

You deserved it 8 423

By Argh - 24/11/2018 03:00 - United States - Longview

Today, my boss reached a new low when, after three software upgrades, she refused to let me update the user manual that I wrote a year ago. She has also cancelled the training sessions I set up to help people learn the new software. People are asking me why I'm not doing my job anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 259

You deserved it 161

Thanks Outlook

By Buzz - 28/11/2008 05:35 - France

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 304

You deserved it 8 323

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 408

You deserved it 46 181

By f my lifw - 07/04/2015 15:43 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I went to buy some makeup. As I was checking out, the cashier said, "You're going to need more than that to cover up that face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 184

You deserved it 3 013

It's not me

By LDF - 25/12/2008 10:30 - France

Today, I was sitting in a train when the old lady sitting next to me started staring at me. I asked her if she was OK, and she exclaimed, "Willy! It's you! Where have you been all this time?" The entire train trip went like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 071

You deserved it 1 920

By utensils123 - 09/02/2010 06:40 - Australia

Today, I discovered my brother likes to use our kitchen utensils to scratch his private areas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 277

You deserved it 2 287

By btchzloveit - 29/09/2011 12:27 - United States

Today, after 4 months of no family contact while deployed in the military, I receive an email from my mother. Attached was a picture of a toilet full of green shit, with a message from my mom saying, "Seen neon poo before? Thought I would share!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 194

You deserved it 2 385

By thisentiretime... - 18/03/2013 20:30 - United States - Morristown

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 284

You deserved it 7 585

Unnerving

By Anonymous - 27/10/2021 08:00 - United States - Norristown

Today, I went to the emergency room. A medicine I'm on for my nerve disease is causing me to have stomach pains. If I get off the medicine though, the nerve disease can get worse. If I stay on the medicine, I can continue to have stomach pains and vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 55

By HitbyIce - 07/02/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre watching a movie. There was a lady and a kid behind me. I all of a sudden felt ice hit my head. I turned around and asked the kid to stop, then heard his mom say, "Hit that cow!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 934

You deserved it 2 823

By Anonymous - 13/03/2016 08:25 - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 307

You deserved it 3 371

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Top comments

commedia 16

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Charlie Sheen in 20 years?

The_Creeper_fml 8

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Can I have a copy of the picture?

hippyhater3000 4

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:50

first!!!!

Sybarite_fml 5

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:51

Sounds legit

iFizzgig 11

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Thursday 29 March 2012 21:04

Almost as legit as the free candy van

Clozzie 0

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Friday 30 March 2012 0:46

How to finish the fml: We dont own a camera. FML

Frijolero_92 1

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Friday 30 March 2012 4:15

I once took a dump that resembled the Blue Öyster Cult cross :3

commedia 16

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Charlie Sheen in 20 years?

iliketurdles 7

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Thursday 29 March 2012 19:44

You really think he'll be alive in 20 years?

olpally 32

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Thursday 29 March 2012 20:20

It sounds like he's already at the Charlie sheen part of his life right now... He's "winning" with a tiger claw dump...

idontknowyou123 0

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Thursday 29 March 2012 21:50

I was wondering what would happen if you drink tigers blood...

FMLshark 12

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:43

One of the many side effects of tiger blood...

mikeofthunder 13

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Thursday 29 March 2012 23:44

Charlie Sheen in twenty years? Try Charlie Sheen now

suncifir 6

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Friday 30 March 2012 0:04

This reminds me of the book Running With Scissors. Dr. Finch thinking his shit was a sign from god

Maddidaddi 0

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Friday 30 March 2012 2:28

Lmao. 31!

dobbyisfreeeeeee 10

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Saturday 31 March 2012 8:55

Ten

xIBleedPurplex16 0

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Ew...

JustDerpin 11

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Thursday 29 March 2012 21:36

Well if it wasnt "Ew", I doubt OP wouldve posted this.

The_Creeper_fml 8

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Can I have a copy of the picture?

teague95 16

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Thursday 29 March 2012 19:14

ditto ^

ladyLALAA 28

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:49

Pics or it didn't happen!

staymintyfresh 13

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

That's disgusting

teague95 16

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Thursday 29 March 2012 19:15

No shit? see what I just did there

Krirn 21

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Thursday 29 March 2012 19:18

I see what you attempted.

teague95 16

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Thursday 29 March 2012 19:21

Hey Jackie Chan chill

teague95 16

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Thursday 29 March 2012 20:25

^we get it you recently bought a dictionary

zen1979 16

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Thursday 29 March 2012 20:50

FMLshark 12

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Thursday 29 March 2012 22:45

Someone just discovered how to use a thesaurus. Congratulations.

Maddidaddi 0

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Friday 30 March 2012 2:30

Not sure if I should agree with you, but I do.

FMLsAreAwesome 0

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Friday 30 March 2012 3:46

6- You don't say?

KeannaLove 32

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:53

Hey, he's just finding happiness in the little things in life. Albeit gross, but still.

perdix 29

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:53

Good thing it didn't look like a bear claw. To achieve such a perfect shape, he probably scored a Flawless Victory!

teague95 16

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Thursday 29 March 2012 19:17

hey I ate a bear claw for breakfast! thought I'd share.

danielhartlesss 13

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:54

At least he didn't made you take a picture of it.

teague95 16

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Thursday 29 March 2012 19:19

I know, gramps took all the fun

Krirn 21

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Thursday 29 March 2012 18:56

Imagine flipping through the photo album one day just to find that picture along with all the baby pictures.

rattusrattus 18

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Thursday 29 March 2012 20:30

"This is Johnny as a baby... this is Chloe... this is La-a Layby Scrabble... his parents were always a bit odd... and this is the Tiger Shit of Destiny! Do you want to know the legend of the Tiger Shit?"