Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd...

By a - 29/3/2012 15:19 - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Noise

What did I do?

By chlorobitch551 - 5/11/2014 16:54 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I overheard my dad telling his friends that the only way I'll ever sleep with a woman is with the help of Rohypnol. FML

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By JulesBlues - 31/7/2019 20:00 - Germany

Today, we had the hottest day ever recorded in Germany. Well, at least this means I won't need a hot water bottle to keep my feet from freezing, right? Wrong. FML

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By why mom - 2/8/2016 23:52

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By wowzer - 28/8/2014 19:58 - Puerto Rico - Gurabo

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2011 04:15 - United States

Today, I went to a football game. During a time out, my face appeared on the Jumbotron during the Kiss Cam segment. I was sitting next to my mother. FML

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By Whoops - 3/9/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I discovered the guy that sits next to me in class is actually a girl. Not only is that bad, but we had to write a paper about each other. I used the words "him" and "he", and read it to the whole class. FML

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By anonymus - 18/8/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

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By stephiew - 14/7/2011 03:15 - United States

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

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By oops - 27/9/2015 02:24 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 02:00

Today, I met my father, who I hadn't seen since I was a baby, at Subway. He made me pay for his meal. FML

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By Jedi2500 - 15/2/2012 23:53 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

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By NeedMoreFriends - 3/7/2015 10:30 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances". FML

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By disgusting - 4/2/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I had never met this girl. FML

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By Alone - 28/12/2012 05:24 - United States

Today, a girl mistook me for her boyfriend and broke up with me because I'm "a liar and a cheating bastard." I've never seen her in my life, but I'm so lonely that I tried to convince her to give me another chance and stay with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was chopping weeds with a weed whacker. I heard something get caught in the blades, and realized it was a frog when the leg hit me in the eye. The rest of the chopped frog ended up on my face. FML

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By TheFatOne - 31/8/2014 19:27 - United States

Today, I had to cancel my plans to go see my grandma, because I wasn't feeling too well. I called her to apologize, but she had trouble remembering who I was. When I told her my name, she said "Oh, the FAT one." Yes grandma, the fat one. FML

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By Leo Scofield - 29/8/2020 02:00

It's not the size that counts

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

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By Imaginary girlfriend - 21/9/2009 04:16 - France

Today, I found out that my whole family thinks my girlfriend is imaginary. I sent her a text in front of them telling her that. She never responded. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 07:00 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, it's my birthday and I had to work. My boss wished me a happy birthday, and then told me I was fired. FML

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By LoveDrug - 17/2/2010 10:49 - Ireland

Today, the only guy showing slightly any interest in me is a Nazi-obsessed psychopath. He uses lovely pick-up lines such as, "Hey, do you know how much it hurts to staple your hand?" FML

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By jessica238 - 8/4/2009 05:38 - Canada

Today, I bought a new purple shirt and decided to wear it to this charity function I was going to. I thought I looked pretty good in it. Then I got home and realized I left the sticker on. I had an "XL" sticker on my boob all night. FML

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By tickle spunk - 29/12/2011 18:39 - United States

Today, I came home and told my mom that I got the lead in the school musical, which I was very happy about. She pulled me into a hug then said, "But you know you can't really sing, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2015 15:08 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML

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By ealovan - 3/3/2014 05:18 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I have exactly 204 snowflakes saved onto my computer, all of which I made on this snowflake-making website. This is what my life has come to. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2020 20:02

Horsing around

Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2013 23:37 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, I walked out of a job interview feeling confident because I'd really hit it off with the interviewer. He called me an hour later to tell me that I didn't get the job, since he was afraid we'd "get along too well and never get any work done." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2016 15:58 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML

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By busmanhoe - 14/12/2009 11:19 - Norway

Today, I was sitting on the bus to the gym. I saw that an old woman needed help to get off the bus, so I got up, and helped her off. When I had finally got her down the stairs the bus closed the doors and drove away. I was in the middle of nowhere and the bus drove away with all my things. FML

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By couch_potato - 28/3/2013 07:53

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

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By Michelle - 15/8/2011 08:15 - United States

Today, my parents heard me leaving my room at 2 am, and freaked out because they thought I was sneaking out. I was too embarrassed to tell them that I was getting food instead of having a social life. FML

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By cycler - 13/6/2011 04:22 - United States

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

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By me - 21/3/2013 10:25 - United Kingdom - Chichester

Today, I finally got to meet my boyfriend's parents; it turns out that his mum is my therapist. I've just spent an entire morning telling her how confused I am about my sexuality. FML

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By Kilika - 8/6/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, I came home and found my desk devoid of all paper. Turned out my mom dropped by and wanted to surprise me by cleaning up my work area. She threw away over 7 months worth of irreplaceable original sketches, notes and storylines, thinking they were worthless. My job is a full-time artist. FML

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By sayno - 12/11/2010 11:06 - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

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By littlekellilee - 8/3/2012 16:23 - Canada

Today, I was in class and felt something tugging on my hair. I thought it was caught on the chair, so I turned around a little to look. The guy behind me was holding my hair and smelling it. He gave me a creepy smile, winked, and continued. FML

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By Julie - 25/3/2015 05:42 - Denmark - F?rup

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

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By BK2017 - 29/1/2017 22:00 - United States - Orlando

Today, after an extremely stressful day, I took a hot bath when I got home. I used my little sister's bubble bath to make it more enjoyable and relaxing. I then broke out in hives. I guess I'm allergic to bubble bath. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2016 14:10 - Serbia - Pancevo

Today, I was told I'll need a hysterectomy. I'm barely 22. My doctor said "You probably wanted kids, huh? That's gonna be rough!" FML

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By androgynous - 30/3/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I was going through airport security. As my bags were being scanned, I was told that I was selected for extra searching. Right as the security guard was about to frisk me, he froze up and asked me, "You're a male, right?" I am, and I used to think that it was obvious. FML

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By new 2 twitter - 10/1/2017 23:23

Today, I had to make a Twitter account, because that is apparently the best way to get news from our new president. FML

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Top comments

By commedia | 16

#4233477 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Charlie Sheen in 20 years?

By The_Creeper_fml | 8

#4233486 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Can I have a copy of the picture?

COMMENTS

By hippyhater3000 | 4

#4233469 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:50

first!!!!

By Sybarite_fml | 5

#4233471 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:51

Sounds legit

iFizzgig | 11

#4233946 - Thursday 29 March 2012 21:04

Almost as legit as the free candy van

Clozzie | 0

#4234836 - Friday 30 March 2012 0:46

How to finish the fml:
We dont own a camera. FML

Frijolero_92 | 1

#4235751 - Friday 30 March 2012 4:15

I once took a dump that resembled the Blue Öyster Cult cross :3

By commedia | 16

#4233477 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Charlie Sheen in 20 years?

iliketurdles | 7

#4233728 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:44

You really think he'll be alive in 20 years?

olpally | 32

#4233823 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:20

It sounds like he's already at the Charlie sheen part of his life right now... He's "winning" with a tiger claw dump...

idontknowyou123 | 0

#4234060 - Thursday 29 March 2012 21:50

I was wondering what would happen if you drink tigers blood...

FMLshark | 12

#4234252 - Thursday 29 March 2012 22:43

One of the many side effects of tiger blood...

mikeofthunder | 13

#4234528 - Thursday 29 March 2012 23:44

Charlie Sheen in twenty years? Try Charlie Sheen now

suncifir | 6

#4234604 - Friday 30 March 2012 0:04

This reminds me of the book Running With Scissors. Dr. Finch thinking his shit was a sign from god

Maddidaddi | 0

#4235375 - Friday 30 March 2012 2:28

Lmao. 31!

dobbyisfreeeeeee | 10

#4240447 - Saturday 31 March 2012 8:55

Ten

By xIBleedPurplex16 | 0

#4233479 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Ew...

JustDerpin | 11

#4234024 - Thursday 29 March 2012 21:36

Well if it wasnt "Ew", I doubt OP wouldve posted this.

By The_Creeper_fml | 8

#4233486 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Can I have a copy of the picture?

teague95 | 16

#4233597 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:14

ditto ^

ladyLALAA | 28

#4234299 - Thursday 29 March 2012 22:49

Pics or it didn't happen!

By staymintyfresh | 13

#4233488 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

That's disgusting

teague95 | 16

#4233607 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:15

No shit? see what I just did there

Krirn | 21

#4233623 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:18

I see what you attempted.

teague95 | 16

#4233635 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:21

Hey Jackie Chan chill

teague95 | 16

#4233842 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:25

^we get it you recently bought a dictionary

zen1979 | 16

#4233916 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:50

FMLshark | 12

#4234268 - Thursday 29 March 2012 22:45

Someone just discovered how to use a thesaurus. Congratulations.

Maddidaddi | 0

#4235390 - Friday 30 March 2012 2:30

Not sure if I should agree with you, but I do.

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4235650 - Friday 30 March 2012 3:46

6- You don't say?

By KeannaLove | 32

#4233497 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:53

Hey, he's just finding happiness in the little things in life. Albeit gross, but still.

By perdix | 29

#4233499 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:53

Good thing it didn't look like a bear claw.

To achieve such a perfect shape, he probably scored a Flawless Victory!

teague95 | 16

#4233620 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:17

hey I ate a bear claw for breakfast! thought I'd share.

By danielhartlesss | 13

#4233502 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:54

At least he didn't made you take a picture of it.

teague95 | 16

#4233628 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:19

I know, gramps took all the fun

By Krirn | 21

#4233511 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:56

Imagine flipping through the photo album one day just to find that picture along with all the baby pictures.

rattusrattus | 18

#4233852 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:30

"This is Johnny as a baby... this is Chloe... this is La-a Layby Scrabble... his parents were always a bit odd... and this is the Tiger Shit of Destiny! Do you want to know the legend of the Tiger Shit?"

Krirn | 21

#4233899 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:44

"3 Pounds, 12 Ounces. About a quarter of an hour of labor."