Miscellaneous: Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd...

By a - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

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Miscellaneous

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Everyone's an expert

The sweet smell of success

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to put on my Halloween make-up to be sure that I could and that it would look nice. I was satisfied with my results, and went to wash it off. Everything came off fine, except for the eye liner and eye shadow. It's bright purple. I'm a man. Halloween isn't until Sunday. FML

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By CallmeEddie - United States - Joliet

Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML

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By cherokeems - United States - Harriman

Today, my girlfriend of a month told me that the only thing keeping her from swallowing a bottle of pills is being in a relationship with me, because she doesn't handle breakups well. FML

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33458

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By Heartbroken - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

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By patient_mom - Australia - Surrey Hills

Today, I had to wait for my daughter's pet python to finish taking a bath before I could take a shower and go to work. FML

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26956

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By Spencer Chan

Today, I ended a 15-year relationship. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. It was my parents'. FML

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4368

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550

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By Username - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

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31723

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family flew out to surprise my grandma for her 70th birthday. When we arrived, she and my grandpa were both sitting on the couch, high, smoking a joint. FML

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54516

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he would still love me if I became a vegetable. His response: "Well, the sex wouldn't be any different." FML

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19718

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By Charlie - Australia

Today, it was raining. I was out walking with my girlfriend, and decided it would be cute if we did a bit of dancing in the rain. As I was swinging her around, I swung her head against a lamp post. She broke up with me. FML

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By 16seconds - United States

Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpal tunnel syndrome. Not because I'm a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

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29765

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By SlickMcK - United States

Today, my mother asked me if I'd heard of anal sex. Before I could fully process her question, she explained that it's dangerous because the tissues of the anus are finer and more susceptible to STDs. There were still forty minutes left in our car ride. FML

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43336

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I offered my phone number to the guy I've been flirting back and forth with all week. He said no. FML

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25662

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By Bandgeek

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

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4888

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751

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By Robert

Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML

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5855

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306

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By Anonymous - United States - Rainier

Today, I received a prank phone call that woke me up. I actually kept them on the line because they were the first person to call me in weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

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27584

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By Nutty

Today, my girlfriend refused to have sex with me, because my underwear are Fruit of the Loom instead of Hanes. According to her, since all real men wear Hanes, I'm unfit to have sex with her because I wear Fruit of the Loom and am therefore not a man. FML

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2545

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391

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By CB4 - United States

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

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49519

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2424

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By Solemnwishing - United States

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

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55547

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By Anonymous - United States - North Little Rock

Today, I got dumped because a guy sat next to me at a party and I didn't get up to change seats. Apparently, it means I subconsciously like the guy who sat down. FML

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47229

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

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3323

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By benander - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

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68779

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By avoid the sour cream - United States

Today, I'm sharing a hotel room with co-workers on a business trip. The walls are paper-thin, you could hear a pin drop, and I'm trying to make my explosive diarrhea as close to silent as possible. FML

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38606

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By imatotalloser

Today, after months of telling my landlord about the weak floorboards in my living room, I fell through them as I was trying to repair them myself. FML

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3180

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322

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By skid kid - Canada

Today, I angrily tweeted about having fruitlessly searched for over an hour for my car keys. Minutes later, some guy told me to check beneath the "stack of skid-marked underwear" on my bedroom floor. I'm not sure if it was a lucky guess, or if I should start carrying mace. FML

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28768

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By right - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

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65462

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By SebastianCT - United States - Tampa

Today, I learned that it's possible to get hit by a bird while bungee jumping. FML

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24032

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 04:01 - United States - Milwaukee

Hello?

Today, my friend's phone rang in class and my teacher thought it was me, so now I have detention for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring

Today, my fiancé's grandmother kept trying to introduce him to this "simply absolutely amazing girl," who she thought "would be just the perfect date" for him. At our engagement party. FML

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32551

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By WTF - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

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52813

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By Hesintrouble - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's boss. She was wondering if he was okay, since he hasn't shown up to work for the past two weeks. Now I'm wondering where he's been going when he leaves the house each day. FML

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64881

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By I wish it was gum

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

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4893

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By luciazee - Peru - Lima

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57884

You deserved it

3313

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By Crappit - United States

Today, my roomate thought it would be funny to take pictures of my morning wood and put it up on Facebook for everyone to see. FML

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28315

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By decenthumanbeing

Today, I entered a restaurant just to use the WiFi. In order not to look cheap, I ordered a meal and a beverage. The WiFi didn't work and now I don't have enough money to buy dinner. FML

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6917

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By Rob - United States

Today, I got chased, threatened and assaulted by a cab driver because I wouldn't take the credit card receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25937

You deserved it

6982

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend feed his cat and change his profile on both myspace and facebook before saying to me that he was "Too busy to have sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30773

You deserved it

5646

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

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1248

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930

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Top comments

By commedia | 16

#4233477 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Charlie Sheen in 20 years?

By The_Creeper_fml | 8

#4233486 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Can I have a copy of the picture?

COMMENTS

By hippyhater3000 | 4

#4233469 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:50

first!!!!

By Sybarite_fml | 5

#4233471 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:51

Sounds legit

iFizzgig | 11

#4233946 - Thursday 29 March 2012 21:04

Almost as legit as the free candy van

Clozzie | 0

#4234836 - Friday 30 March 2012 0:46

How to finish the fml:
We dont own a camera. FML

Frijolero_92 | 1

#4235751 - Friday 30 March 2012 4:15

I once took a dump that resembled the Blue Öyster Cult cross :3

By commedia | 16

#4233477 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Charlie Sheen in 20 years?

iliketurdles | 7

#4233728 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:44

You really think he'll be alive in 20 years?

olpally | 32

#4233823 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:20

It sounds like he's already at the Charlie sheen part of his life right now... He's "winning" with a tiger claw dump...

idontknowyou123 | 0

#4234060 - Thursday 29 March 2012 21:50

I was wondering what would happen if you drink tigers blood...

FMLshark | 12

#4234252 - Thursday 29 March 2012 22:43

One of the many side effects of tiger blood...

mikeofthunder | 13

#4234528 - Thursday 29 March 2012 23:44

Charlie Sheen in twenty years? Try Charlie Sheen now

suncifir | 6

#4234604 - Friday 30 March 2012 0:04

This reminds me of the book Running With Scissors. Dr. Finch thinking his shit was a sign from god

Maddidaddi | 0

#4235375 - Friday 30 March 2012 2:28

Lmao. 31!

dobbyisfreeeeeee | 10

#4240447 - Saturday 31 March 2012 8:55

Ten

By xIBleedPurplex16 | 0

#4233479 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Ew...

JustDerpin | 11

#4234024 - Thursday 29 March 2012 21:36

Well if it wasnt "Ew", I doubt OP wouldve posted this.

By The_Creeper_fml | 8

#4233486 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Can I have a copy of the picture?

teague95 | 16

#4233597 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:14

ditto ^

ladyLALAA | 28

#4234299 - Thursday 29 March 2012 22:49

Pics or it didn't happen!

By staymintyfresh | 13

#4233488 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

That's disgusting

teague95 | 16

#4233607 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:15

No shit? see what I just did there

Krirn | 21

#4233623 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:18

I see what you attempted.

teague95 | 16

#4233635 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:21

Hey Jackie Chan chill

teague95 | 16

#4233842 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:25

^we get it you recently bought a dictionary

zen1979 | 16

#4233916 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:50

FMLshark | 12

#4234268 - Thursday 29 March 2012 22:45

Someone just discovered how to use a thesaurus. Congratulations.

Maddidaddi | 0

#4235390 - Friday 30 March 2012 2:30

Not sure if I should agree with you, but I do.

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4235650 - Friday 30 March 2012 3:46

6- You don't say?

By KeannaLove | 32

#4233497 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:53

Hey, he's just finding happiness in the little things in life. Albeit gross, but still.

By perdix | 29

#4233499 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:53

Good thing it didn't look like a bear claw.

To achieve such a perfect shape, he probably scored a Flawless Victory!

teague95 | 16

#4233620 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:17

hey I ate a bear claw for breakfast! thought I'd share.

By danielhartlesss | 13

#4233502 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:54

At least he didn't made you take a picture of it.

teague95 | 16

#4233628 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:19

I know, gramps took all the fun

By Krirn | 21

#4233511 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:56

Imagine flipping through the photo album one day just to find that picture along with all the baby pictures.

rattusrattus | 18

#4233852 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:30

"This is Johnny as a baby... this is Chloe... this is La-a Layby Scrabble... his parents were always a bit odd... and this is the Tiger Shit of Destiny! Do you want to know the legend of the Tiger Shit?"

Krirn | 21

#4233899 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:44

"3 Pounds, 12 Ounces. About a quarter of an hour of labor."