Miscellaneous: Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd...

By a - United States

Today, my grandfather proudly informed me that the dump he'd just took looked like a tiger claw. He announced this during dinner, and told us not to flush it until he could take a picture. FML

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Miscellaneous

Coherence dude, do you have it?

The smell detective is on the case

Noise

By Anonymous - 5/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Thanks for the support!

Today, I told my mom that I struggle with depression. She then told me that she thinks that I always seem to suck the life out of a room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a little too drunk and confessed to my fiancé, the love of my life, that I've been faking my orgasms all along. I hate that I can't lie when I'm drunk. FML

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By Yo Mr. White! ... BETCH! - United States - Imperial Beach

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

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By WritesTooWell - United States - Miami

Today, I got a message from my teacher about my homework. We were supposed to write an original myth explaining a natural event. My teacher bumped my grade for it down to a C for copying a myth that already exists. My myth was based on an original story I've been writing for two years. FML

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By boylookingirl - United States

Today, my friend installed this new application that shows you what a girl would look like as a boy and what a boy would look like as a girl. Well I'm a girl and when it was my turn it didn't change. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to make a move on the guy I've been crushing on. I asked him if he would like to go see a movie with me. He answered, "Sorry, I've already seen it." I didn't even mention any particular movie. FML

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By Dark_Cecilia - United States - Fremont

Today, I called the cops on this guy who kept emailing me without revealing who he was. I had told him that if he emailed me again, I would call the cops, so I did. Turns out it was my roommate. FML

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By 00bsg - United States - Salem

Today, it's my 21st birthday. All my friends and family said they were busy so I figured I was getting a surprise party. Nope. They all were actually busy. I spent my birthday alone. FML

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By toazt - United States

Today, after my marching band's performance, the girls had to change out of our uniforms in a very dark school bathroom. Someone turned on the lights and I realized that more than a dozen roaches had crawled into my skinny jeans. FML

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By Wetarse - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was laughing at the new granite stool sculpture our work put in the office garden. I said to my colleagues for a laugh that I'd be the first to sit on it. Turns out it was a bird bath. FML

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By A - Canada

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

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By steveinnewsoh - United States

Today, I went to get a scratch off lottery ticket, and the dude in front of me got the same one I was going to get. He won 500 dollars. I got 2 bucks. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got rear-ended on my way home from the pet store, causing my pet food to open up and go flying all over the floor of my car. My pet is a snake, and his food is live mice. FML

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By impatient amy - Ireland

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had bad stomach cramps so I asked if I could use the bathroom. After half an hour, I flushed the toilet, it backs up and floods the bathroom. To make things worse, when I opened the door, I slipped on the wet tiles. FML

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By foutu - France

Today, while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier." All her accusations are true. FML

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26613

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By Crawling

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place, looking drop dead gorgeous. However, she preferred the idea of sleeping, and here I am on my laptop. FML

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By N - United States

Today, my best friend told me she wanted to rape my throat. I did not know that was possible. FML

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29296

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By Dog Person Now

Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML

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3658

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By col - 4/9/2020 01:56

We're on a break

Today, my girlfriend of almost 3 years told me we needed a break, and that we could try again at the end of the year. FML

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1247

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By yingyang2 - United States

Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML

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By notabeliever - United States

Today, my wife threw a piece of tofu cake at my head for suggesting that the money she'd spent on magic "healing" crystals and homeopathic "remedies" would've just as well been spent on a chocolate teapot. FML

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By TuralSucks - United States

Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, "I have to go, there's a cute guy on this elevator." Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, "Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her." FML

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By Weirdo - United States

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

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By JRock - United States

Today, at my softball game, there was one spot left for center field. The coach had to choose between me or the girl who forgot her glasses and was blind without them. He chose her. FML

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By dontpanic - United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

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11449

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By WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! - United States

Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

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By ifeelfat - United States

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

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By Questions - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I'd help clean out his ex-girlfriend's closet. I found their wedding photos. FML

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By ppp - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift. A half-used bottle of body lotion that belonged to his dead wife. FML

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By thoughtidseenitall - United States - Englewood

Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML

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By hkbaer - United States

Nice try

Today, my dad tried to charge me $3000 for a car that my dead grandma, his mother, left to me in her will. I have to live with this asshole. FML

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By SydIsPrettyCool - United States

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

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50055

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By Fmylife.25 - United States

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

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35983

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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1591

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By lionhead14 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

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By JN5SLK - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

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55920

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By Sh*t - Venezuela - Caracas

Today, I was in the shower, when I heard my daughter scream and shout, "Mommy, mommy! Help! Come quick!" I panicked and rushed downstairs without even looking for a towel to cover myself, all so I could find out she'd just gotten a piece of dirt on her shoe. FML

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By wtf - United Kingdom

Today, my parents staged a family intervention and gave me the grandest bollocking I've ever experienced in all my 22 years of life. They did this because my sister showed them a photo of me jokingly posing with three bottles of Bud Light at a party. Apparently, I'm an alcoholic in denial. FML

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Top comments

By commedia | 16

#4233477 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Charlie Sheen in 20 years?

By The_Creeper_fml | 8

#4233486 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Can I have a copy of the picture?

COMMENTS

By hippyhater3000 | 4

#4233469 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:50

first!!!!

By Sybarite_fml | 5

#4233471 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:51

Sounds legit

iFizzgig | 11

#4233946 - Thursday 29 March 2012 21:04

Almost as legit as the free candy van

Clozzie | 0

#4234836 - Friday 30 March 2012 0:46

How to finish the fml:
We dont own a camera. FML

Frijolero_92 | 1

#4235751 - Friday 30 March 2012 4:15

I once took a dump that resembled the Blue Öyster Cult cross :3

By commedia | 16

#4233477 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Charlie Sheen in 20 years?

iliketurdles | 7

#4233728 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:44

You really think he'll be alive in 20 years?

olpally | 32

#4233823 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:20

It sounds like he's already at the Charlie sheen part of his life right now... He's "winning" with a tiger claw dump...

idontknowyou123 | 0

#4234060 - Thursday 29 March 2012 21:50

I was wondering what would happen if you drink tigers blood...

FMLshark | 12

#4234252 - Thursday 29 March 2012 22:43

One of the many side effects of tiger blood...

mikeofthunder | 13

#4234528 - Thursday 29 March 2012 23:44

Charlie Sheen in twenty years? Try Charlie Sheen now

suncifir | 6

#4234604 - Friday 30 March 2012 0:04

This reminds me of the book Running With Scissors. Dr. Finch thinking his shit was a sign from god

Maddidaddi | 0

#4235375 - Friday 30 March 2012 2:28

Lmao. 31!

dobbyisfreeeeeee | 10

#4240447 - Saturday 31 March 2012 8:55

Ten

By xIBleedPurplex16 | 0

#4233479 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Ew...

JustDerpin | 11

#4234024 - Thursday 29 March 2012 21:36

Well if it wasnt "Ew", I doubt OP wouldve posted this.

By The_Creeper_fml | 8

#4233486 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

Can I have a copy of the picture?

teague95 | 16

#4233597 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:14

ditto ^

ladyLALAA | 28

#4234299 - Thursday 29 March 2012 22:49

Pics or it didn't happen!

By staymintyfresh | 13

#4233488 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:52

That's disgusting

teague95 | 16

#4233607 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:15

No shit? see what I just did there

Krirn | 21

#4233623 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:18

I see what you attempted.

teague95 | 16

#4233635 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:21

Hey Jackie Chan chill

teague95 | 16

#4233842 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:25

^we get it you recently bought a dictionary

zen1979 | 16

#4233916 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:50

FMLshark | 12

#4234268 - Thursday 29 March 2012 22:45

Someone just discovered how to use a thesaurus. Congratulations.

Maddidaddi | 0

#4235390 - Friday 30 March 2012 2:30

Not sure if I should agree with you, but I do.

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4235650 - Friday 30 March 2012 3:46

6- You don't say?

By KeannaLove | 32

#4233497 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:53

Hey, he's just finding happiness in the little things in life. Albeit gross, but still.

By perdix | 29

#4233499 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:53

Good thing it didn't look like a bear claw.

To achieve such a perfect shape, he probably scored a Flawless Victory!

teague95 | 16

#4233620 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:17

hey I ate a bear claw for breakfast! thought I'd share.

By danielhartlesss | 13

#4233502 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:54

At least he didn't made you take a picture of it.

teague95 | 16

#4233628 - Thursday 29 March 2012 19:19

I know, gramps took all the fun

By Krirn | 21

#4233511 - Thursday 29 March 2012 18:56

Imagine flipping through the photo album one day just to find that picture along with all the baby pictures.

rattusrattus | 18

#4233852 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:30

"This is Johnny as a baby... this is Chloe... this is La-a Layby Scrabble... his parents were always a bit odd... and this is the Tiger Shit of Destiny! Do you want to know the legend of the Tiger Shit?"

Krirn | 21

#4233899 - Thursday 29 March 2012 20:44

"3 Pounds, 12 Ounces. About a quarter of an hour of labor."