Work: Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and...

By evomadrid24 - United States

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31086

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Work

Commando

Out of it

Projection

By Anonymous

Greased Lightning

Today, I got home from working at KFC and hopped straight into the shower. I could see that the water was being tinged yellow by the grease that had got plastered on me at work and was now coming off, so I started gagging and almost threw up. FML

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1694

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184

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By laywer_man - United States

Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML

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17963

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

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13935

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was in class and really needed to pee. My teacher has chosen to replace our hall pass with a copy of War and Peace. She picks out a page for us to memorise on the shitter, and repeat by heart later. If we can't remember, we get locked out of class, and then get detention for being absent. FML

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38597

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By Mr. Sniffles - United States - Hamilton

Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gurnee

Today, my tiny apartment flooded. My family lives out of state and the few friends I have all gave me B.S. excuses for why I can't stay over for a few nights. I'm so broke this month that I'll probably have to hit up my psycho ex. FML

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21014

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By Nicoli - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years was in a bad car crash, and ended up with a concussion. He didn't remember me. At all. But he remembered his other girlfriend he had cheated on me with for two months. FML

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53784

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By ohman - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and while stopped at a light, this old man waved at me. Thinking nothing of it, I walked through a parking lot to get to where I was going, where he not only followed me, but mistook me for a prostitute. It was 5pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41149

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By Apissedoffguy - United States - Brockton

Today, in a parking lot, a girl came up to our car and started to knock on the window and scream, "I KNEW IT!" My girlfriend doesn't believe that I don't know her. FML

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32973

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML

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22995

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By Hellasboy - Australia - Brisbane

Today, driving to work, I stop to let an old man cross the street. The driver behind me honks their horn, so I decide to drive slow to piss them off. A few turns later, I pull into the car park and notice the other driver following me. She works in the office next to mine. We met the other day. FML

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23337

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, our school got portable classrooms for the construction on our school. I had to take a dump really bad, and had to use the built in bathroom. As I was in there I heard laughing. Turns out, every sound you make is an entire broadcast to the class. FML

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34601

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I watched a manager and a co-worker sit underneath a table in our store all day as I got yelled at for not working hard enough. I was the only one actually working. FML

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By dontevenassk - Canada

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to scare me by tilting the portable street toilets while I was taking a dump in one of them. One of my friends accidentally rocked it too hard and it fell on the floor. They wouldn't even let me sit in the car after because I had shit all over me. FML

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64015

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By SadlySally - United States - Memphis

Today, I think I met the one. I had the best date ever. We played mini golf and talked about all the things we had in common. After sharing a kiss, I said goodbye, with the promise to meet up again. Too bad he forgot to mention he was moving to Texas the next day. FML

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10223

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697

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By Embarrassed

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1324

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By nubs

Today, my dad wants a divorce. I can either stay with my wine-loving mom or move 300km away with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2642

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135

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bexley

Today, my bitch of a sister broke my new phone, which took me months of work to earn. Her excuse? If I didn't want her to break it, I shouldn't have let her use it. FML

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26527

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By fatpreggo - United States

Today, I was proudly telling my husband that I only gained 8lbs through the pregnancy thus far. I usually obsess over my weight so it was a great accomplishment for me. He then turned and pinched my arms. "well it looks like all the fat migrated to your arms." FML

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42931

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By Sydney - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

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41987

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By Good choice cat - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

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47596

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By hannahlorraine - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

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33103

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By DCarreon - United States - Ceres

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

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28225

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day of school as a freshman. I soon became lost and decided to ask a senior for directions to my class. They smiled at me and said "It's on the third floor to the right." After ten minutes of walking up and down stairs and hallways, I discovered there is no third floor. FML

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By ashleylynn17

Today, I was told I pull the "whole grunge look" off quite well. I don't dress "grunge", nor was that my intention. FML

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34389

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By philderichmond - United States

Today, I met a cute girl at a dance club. I entered her number in my phone just before she left the club. With a proud smile, I turned the screen towards my buddy, showing off my accomplishment. Attempting to give me a friendly pat he accidentally closed my phone. I hadn't saved the number. FML

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42039

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By Pissed Off - Australia

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

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By The L word - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been trying to date for six months is gay. FML

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29812

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By bob - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML

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18263

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML

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40569

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By NotThePotty - United States - San Francisco

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML

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24388

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 10:58

Big boss man

Today, I have a doctor’s note confirming that I'm high risk for Covid and should only work from home. My boss still demands I come to the office, even though the only person I meet there is the guy who sterilizes the door handles. FML

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By Angel

Today, while out to dinner with my adult daughter, I told her I look at her Twitter because it helped me to feel close to her since she rarely calls or visits. When I got home from dinner and looked at her Twitter, she had set it to private. FML

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10206

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By Mrs. Awkward

Today, I helped an older guy with his safe deposit box. He said it's perfect for holding his ex-wife's remains and laughed. I laughed because I thought he was kidding. He wasn't. FML

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2550

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268

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML

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28363

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By vkryss13 - Guam - Tamuning

Today, I accidentally sat on my sister's imaginary monkey. She then stabbed me with a pencil. I still can't get the piece of graphite out of my hand. FML

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27323

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By ThatTrafficCone - United States

Today, the Fire Department found my car overturned in a ditch and on fire. It was two miles away from where I parked it about three hours ago. FML

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41520

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By oh why... - United States

Today, I got a ransom note saying, "We have kidnapped your husband and won't release him unless you postpone the wedding." The wedding is tomorrow and it was in his handwriting. FML

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55318

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By itisobviouseinstein - United States - New York

Today, a bible toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML

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24715

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, I tripped and fell on the sidewalk. As I did, a car that was passing by stopped, made a U-turn, and then came back so the people inside could laugh at me. When they were done taunting me, they made another U-turn and continued back in their original direction. FML

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Top comments

By CallMeHush | 0

#2604667 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:02

Why 2 hours later? Did you need time for your erection to go down?

By frozenfreeze | 5

#2604767 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:21

It could have been worse. You could have had to pee while 130 guys were watching you.

COMMENTS

By 2DMax | 11

#2604592 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:52

so did you see them... fill the bottle?

zakkyzebra | 11

#2604621 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:55

Better to be pissed off than pissed on, Grandpa always said.

OAAS | 0

#2604761 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:20

Oh, that was a accident!!

hypnos_fml | 0

#2605067 - Thursday 2 June 2011 11:54

Go Canucks !

iliveinthesky_fml | 0

#2605330 - Thursday 2 June 2011 13:56

Well...that tends to happen when you have a job.

L3Paparazzo | 7

#2605633 - Thursday 2 June 2011 15:47

hey your getting paid ! Don't complain :P

ginga_ninja_9001 | 0

#2608280 - Thursday 2 June 2011 23:25

holy shit l3paparazzo ur hot

bigfoot89 | 4

#2637094 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 13:49

hmmm looking at penises all day... were they all circumcised? I would have loved comparing all the sizes of them..yum!

By itsmeppl | 0

#2604594 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:52

yeah cos thats what everyone wants To see every day...

Thrasher91 | 0

#2604993 - Thursday 2 June 2011 10:57

It seems like every comment you post is dumb

HubertPL | 0

#2605222 - Thursday 2 June 2011 13:04

thrasher how about you stop being a cyber fuck and post more intelligent comments somewhere else.

oboewhore_xD | 6

#2605547 - Thursday 2 June 2011 15:21

I agree with Thrasher.

But that might be because he's sexy as fuck. MAKE GINGER BABIES WITH ME, THRASHER!!!D:

tBo111 | 0

#2607377 - Thursday 2 June 2011 20:14

this isn't matchmaker..

rocketeer_97 | 1

#2608819 - Friday 3 June 2011 0:43

39- but havent you noticed that all the comments she makes, it always gets thumbed down & hidden.

By guitarbeast | 22

#2604603 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:53

did you at least get paid extra?

afdude87 | 6

#2604885 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:59

probably not. sounds like the military to me.

EffinToofer | 3

#2604920 - Thursday 2 June 2011 10:18

Today, I had to work. FML.
Would you rather work with a bunch of incompetent drug addicts?

By jekalt | 0

#2604610 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:53

owned?

By OrgasmicBunnies | 9

#2604612 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:54

I really have nothing witty to say. Umm, did you touch the cup that overfilled?

marinus_fml | 19

#2604738 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:17

Best not to say anything at all then.

By alex1432 | 9

#2604641 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:58

could have had to watch 130 guys give a stool sample

mrwelsh3 | 0

#2604879 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:56

or a sperm sample...eww

missy_lynn012 | 0

#2605959 - Thursday 2 June 2011 16:41

glass half full...thats my kind of guy.

By BountyBass | 13

#2604643 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:58

bet u loved it secretly

By CallMeHush | 0

#2604667 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:02

Why 2 hours later? Did you need time for your erection to go down?

By IscoreOnU | 19

#2604674 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:03

Was it awkward?

imnotonaboat | 0

#2604970 - Thursday 2 June 2011 10:47

That comment was just..awful

By borkchop1992 | 15

#2604723 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:14

did they have you hold it for them?