Work: Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and...

By evomadrid24 - United States

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

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Parental guilt

By grossed out - United States - Mount Prospect

Today, I was at my aunt and uncle's house. I went to the bathroom and after I washed my hands, I took a Q-tip out of the carton to clean my ears. When I reached for a second one, I noticed that every Q-tip in the carton was actually already used. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 20:01

Regret…

Today, I searched my ex-boyfriend on Facebook while my husband slept. He recently got engaged. I regret everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

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By noname - France

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She went to try some clothes on and came out to ask for my opinion. "Hell no! That shirt is awful!". She wanted to show me the pants. The shirt was hers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nashville

Creepypasta

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

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By kittkatt1 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that when you flush an animal clear of blood for research, there is a nerve inside the heart, which when you strike it right, electrical signals cause the animal to writhe as if alive. Now, my boss knows about my fear of zombies, and I'm now terrified of half my job. FML

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By right - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

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By lily - 12/4/2021 23:00

Young body, old soul

Today, I was diagnosed with gout. I’m 19. FML

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By fuck you, jack - United States - Peabody

Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself a microwave meal. I pierced the plastic film several times. A little too loudly for my hateful bastard of a neighbor, I guess, because he called the cops on me, claiming he heard gunshots from my apartment. FML

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By guest - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I became the town racist for saying "black" instead of "African-American". I'm black. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

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By Blie

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

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By taperjeangirl - United States

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had an interview for a college. The college is in Rhode Island. I live on the West coast. When I asked the interviewer if they got to the mainland by boat or by some other form of transportation, he told me Rhode Island is not an island. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 23:01

Caught spunk-handed

Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML

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By tal - France

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

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By AboutToGoKillBillOnSomeone - Australia - Newport

Today, I finally got my wedding photos in the mail. As I looked through them, I soon realized that the lace material on my wedding dress was completely see-through in the sunlight, and my bra and panties were visible in every single outdoor photo. I had an outdoor wedding. FML

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By rise - 8/5/2021 10:59

Painful

Today, I had a massive, pounding headache. I asked my mom for some painkillers and she said, "No. You don’t deserve pain relief. Ever. For anything." What? FML

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By atetoeate - United States

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

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By boardwalk the fuck out of my resturaunt - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I received a tip in Monopoly money. FML

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1771

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By screwedwoman27 - United States

Today, I told my five year old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML

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By an unlucky man - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

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22875

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Sean - United States

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

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By HidenSeek - United States

Today, my mom and I were watching this movie in which some girls start making out. My mother calls them "sinners" and that they will "burn in hell twice". Then she says "God doesn't like gays". I'm a lesbian. I picked out this movie as a way of coming out. FML

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By "Noelle Diane Irwin"

Today, I just found out that my sister slept with the guy that I have had a crush on for years and that she may or may not be pregnant with his child. FML

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By RedheadA - United States

Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was just wearing socks. FML

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By blue - United States

Today, I was put on notice at work due to my "anger problem." Apparently, sighing in a meeting means you will be labeled as someone with a short temper. However the creepy stalker guy is on the fast track to management. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Prince Albert

Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

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By Roma-Jay - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, while trying to look cute and playing with my hair in front of a boy, I pulled a piece of my hair extension out. FML

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By Jacklyn - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé and I decided to have a romantic rendezvous on the trampoline in our backyard. Or at least it was romantic, until I accidentally rolled off and all but crushed our dog. FML

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By McWhopper - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 17:02 - United States

Mansplaning #2764

Today, I got mansplained for trying to help a guy secure a machine to a trailer. Not only did he bring the wrong trailer, he tried to ratchet it onto the axle. I load and unload trailers at least once a week. FML

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By letmediealready

Today I saved my wife's puppy from drowning in an icy pond and I ended up in the ER struggling to breath from the water in my lungs. When my wife showed up to see me, I caught her flirting with my doctor. FML

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5640

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got detention from my teacher for not handing an assignment in. It would be understandable if I hadn't handed it in a week before it was due. She won't listen to reason. FML

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25267

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By yuckspider - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to kill it with and it hid somewhere. So, I got dressed and went out and come home for a shower, and as I'm taking off my undies, something crushed and black fell out. It was the spider and he had been in my underwear the entire day. FML

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73192

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By TMI - United States

Today, I was emailing my professor about what chapters our test is on this afternoon. She accidentally emailed me informing me of the date she went on last night, including that she "got laid... yay!!" and a picture. I still don't know what chapters I'm being tested on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm going cold turkey with my drinking and smoking habits. I'm so irritable, I seriously considered running down an old lady who was taking her damn sweet time crossing the road, then shooting the guy in the car behind me for honking at me like I was holding everyone up. FML

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By queenofdeath - Israel

Today, I wanted to remove my mustache hair with hot wax. The hair is still there, but my skin is all burnt dark brown. Tomorrow is my first day at school. FML

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By notlilien

Today, my boss created a WhatsApp group called "Forever Alone", added me and only me, and then left so that I could be the only person in the group. FML

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Top comments

By CallMeHush | 0

#2604667 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:02

Why 2 hours later? Did you need time for your erection to go down?

By frozenfreeze | 5

#2604767 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:21

It could have been worse. You could have had to pee while 130 guys were watching you.

COMMENTS

By 2DMax | 11

#2604592 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:52

so did you see them... fill the bottle?

zakkyzebra | 11

#2604621 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:55

Better to be pissed off than pissed on, Grandpa always said.

OAAS | 0

#2604761 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:20

Oh, that was a accident!!

hypnos_fml | 0

#2605067 - Thursday 2 June 2011 11:54

Go Canucks !

iliveinthesky_fml | 0

#2605330 - Thursday 2 June 2011 13:56

Well...that tends to happen when you have a job.

L3Paparazzo | 7

#2605633 - Thursday 2 June 2011 15:47

hey your getting paid ! Don't complain :P

ginga_ninja_9001 | 0

#2608280 - Thursday 2 June 2011 23:25

holy shit l3paparazzo ur hot

bigfoot89 | 4

#2637094 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 13:49

hmmm looking at penises all day... were they all circumcised? I would have loved comparing all the sizes of them..yum!

By itsmeppl | 0

#2604594 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:52

yeah cos thats what everyone wants To see every day...

Thrasher91 | 0

#2604993 - Thursday 2 June 2011 10:57

It seems like every comment you post is dumb

HubertPL | 0

#2605222 - Thursday 2 June 2011 13:04

thrasher how about you stop being a cyber fuck and post more intelligent comments somewhere else.

oboewhore_xD | 6

#2605547 - Thursday 2 June 2011 15:21

I agree with Thrasher.

But that might be because he's sexy as fuck. MAKE GINGER BABIES WITH ME, THRASHER!!!D:

tBo111 | 0

#2607377 - Thursday 2 June 2011 20:14

this isn't matchmaker..

rocketeer_97 | 1

#2608819 - Friday 3 June 2011 0:43

39- but havent you noticed that all the comments she makes, it always gets thumbed down & hidden.

By guitarbeast | 22

#2604603 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:53

did you at least get paid extra?

afdude87 | 6

#2604885 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:59

probably not. sounds like the military to me.

EffinToofer | 3

#2604920 - Thursday 2 June 2011 10:18

Today, I had to work. FML.
Would you rather work with a bunch of incompetent drug addicts?

By jekalt | 0

#2604610 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:53

owned?

By OrgasmicBunnies | 9

#2604612 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:54

I really have nothing witty to say. Umm, did you touch the cup that overfilled?

marinus_fml | 19

#2604738 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:17

Best not to say anything at all then.

By alex1432 | 9

#2604641 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:58

could have had to watch 130 guys give a stool sample

mrwelsh3 | 0

#2604879 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:56

or a sperm sample...eww

missy_lynn012 | 0

#2605959 - Thursday 2 June 2011 16:41

glass half full...thats my kind of guy.

By BountyBass | 13

#2604643 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:58

bet u loved it secretly

By CallMeHush | 0

#2604667 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:02

Why 2 hours later? Did you need time for your erection to go down?

By IscoreOnU | 19

#2604674 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:03

Was it awkward?

imnotonaboat | 0

#2604970 - Thursday 2 June 2011 10:47

That comment was just..awful

By borkchop1992 | 15

#2604723 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:14

did they have you hold it for them?