Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and...

By evomadrid24 - 2/6/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

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Work

Who's a good boy?

F*** my overweight life

Vultures

By faitesdesgosses - 19/5/2014 14:27 - France - Mantes-la-ville

Today, I asked my 7-year-old daughter what job she would like when she grows up. She calmly replied that she wouldn't have one; she'd just bring her husband round to my place and steal food from me. FML

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By Leah - 24/6/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my boss gave me a speech about my "motivation issues". I've been working for him for 2 months, the commissions I've made for him paid off his bills, so what are my motivation issues? I turned down his offer of a date. I have a boyfriend. He keeps asking. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 02:06 - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 20:01

Shark-infested offices

Today, I attended my father’s funeral. I have the week off work, and one of my colleagues is using this time to make a play for my job. I’m not supposed to be checking emails, so I can’t call them out on it until I get back, by which time it may be too late. FML

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By Username - 9/5/2011 17:23 - China

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a work mate I took a sip of the tea which I had forgotten was boiling hot and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

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By bitchonia - 28/3/2020 17:00 - Canada

Sign your name across my…?

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he'd think of me getting his initials tattooed over my heart. "That's awesome, babe," he answered enthusiastically. "But could you get them on your ass instead?" FML

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By Kayak - 29/12/2014 23:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 20:01

A ghost

Today, I'm stuck in quarantine and my friends are planning stuff like swimming without me in our group chat, instead of doing it in another chat group. It's like I don't even exist. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By Cary - 26/12/2011 06:17 - United States

Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML

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By mylifesucks - 2/7/2010 22:25 - France

Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML

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By S to the HIT - 8/4/2015 16:08 - United States

Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 21:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 19:59 - Ghana - Accra

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

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By GavinHosler - 29/1/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

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By tara - 18/12/2015 17:49 - Switzerland - Zug

Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, my parents booked my 18th birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's. FML

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By firestar772 - 12/6/2013 06:21 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I went to pick up my 6-year-old son from his friend's house. They were having a great time, and he didn't want to leave. So, while I wasn't looking, he superglued both his hands to their kitchen table. FML

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By maddie - 6/11/2013 05:06 - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

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By louise. - 18/10/2010 09:06 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By fbcaught - 9/2/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I was checking the Facebook event page to see who is attending the party I am having this weekend, since my parents are going out of town. 1 person has confirmed. My mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2013 01:11 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - Rugby

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

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By LizP40 - 27/8/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML

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By keyshame - 10/10/2013 05:22 - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

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By thanksforthat - 10/8/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, after selling their car, my parents decided to inform me that my car (that I paid for myself) is now going to be the "Family Car". They also informed me that since it is, after all, my car, I'll still have to pay for the gas and maintenance. FML

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By Explicit - 13/1/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech in front of my class and during my speech I had to say the words "But six"; however, because of my accent it sounded like "Butt sex". For the remainder of the day I was frequently asked about "Butt sex". FML

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By anonymous - 21/3/2011 19:01 - United States

Today, I tried to clock in at work, only to have the clock tell me I "wasn't scheduled", so I asked my boss what was going on. Turns out I was fired, and this was her way of avoiding conflict. FML

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By thehunterofprey - 22/6/2018 19:00

Today, I came out to my parents as gay and they reacted better than I expected. Then I found my car destroyed with a note that said "fag" on what used to be my hood. I never thought I'd have to sue my own family, but I'm lucky I have security footage. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2011 07:29 - United States

Today, I was grounded for not agreeing with an article on dating my mom found in a very strict magazine. The article told parents to monitor phone calls, make rumors about their children cheating on people and not allow their children anywhere but home. FML

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By Suzi_d16 - 20/4/2020 23:00

Oh well, maybe next… year?

Today, I was supposed to get married. Unfortunately, it was cancelled because of the coronavirus. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 10:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while at a psychiatric hospital working as a student nurse, I discovered one of the patients had developed an unhealthy obsession for me. He was admitted for stalking and abusing a girl who looked just like me. It's only my first week. FML

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By Darth Spasticus - 14/11/2015 09:12 - United States - Flower Mound

Today, my boyfriend was diagnosed with a UTI. He thought men can only get UTIs by "catching" them from a woman, so he blamed me for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I was watching The Omen with my father. A little bit into the movie my dad turned to me and said, "Wow, you really looked like that Damien kid when you were little." Apparently I strangely resemble the anti-christ, and I am a teenage girl. Thanks Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2014 20:04 - United States - Brandon

Today, I spent several hours downtown with my violent grandma, after she was arrested for threatening a guy with a gun. His crime? "Trespassing" by ringing the doorbell and asking if she was interested in donating to charity. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2012 19:39 - United States - Richland

Today, I finally got my hands on the new iPhone 5, after I pulled it out of a patient's rectum. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2010 00:56 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend when he reminded me that I needed to cut my toe nails. FML

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By That idiot - 28/8/2014 02:33 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I won a goldfish at the amusement park. My little brother took him out of the bowl because he thought he was drowning. FML

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By BarhydtBran - 18/8/2015 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

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Top comments

By CallMeHush | 0

#2604667 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:02

Why 2 hours later? Did you need time for your erection to go down?

By frozenfreeze | 5

#2604767 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:21

It could have been worse. You could have had to pee while 130 guys were watching you.

COMMENTS

By 2DMax | 11

#2604592 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:52

so did you see them... fill the bottle?

zakkyzebra | 11

#2604621 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:55

Better to be pissed off than pissed on, Grandpa always said.

OAAS | 0

#2604761 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:20

Oh, that was a accident!!

hypnos_fml | 0

#2605067 - Thursday 2 June 2011 11:54

Go Canucks !

iliveinthesky_fml | 0

#2605330 - Thursday 2 June 2011 13:56

Well...that tends to happen when you have a job.

L3Paparazzo | 7

#2605633 - Thursday 2 June 2011 15:47

hey your getting paid ! Don't complain :P

ginga_ninja_9001 | 0

#2608280 - Thursday 2 June 2011 23:25

holy shit l3paparazzo ur hot

bigfoot89 | 4

#2637094 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 13:49

hmmm looking at penises all day... were they all circumcised? I would have loved comparing all the sizes of them..yum!

By itsmeppl | 0

#2604594 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:52

yeah cos thats what everyone wants To see every day...

Thrasher91 | 0

#2604993 - Thursday 2 June 2011 10:57

It seems like every comment you post is dumb

HubertPL | 0

#2605222 - Thursday 2 June 2011 13:04

thrasher how about you stop being a cyber fuck and post more intelligent comments somewhere else.

oboewhore_xD | 6

#2605547 - Thursday 2 June 2011 15:21

I agree with Thrasher.

But that might be because he's sexy as fuck. MAKE GINGER BABIES WITH ME, THRASHER!!!D:

tBo111 | 0

#2607377 - Thursday 2 June 2011 20:14

this isn't matchmaker..

rocketeer_97 | 1

#2608819 - Friday 3 June 2011 0:43

39- but havent you noticed that all the comments she makes, it always gets thumbed down & hidden.

By guitarbeast | 22

#2604603 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:53

did you at least get paid extra?

afdude87 | 6

#2604885 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:59

probably not. sounds like the military to me.

EffinToofer | 3

#2604920 - Thursday 2 June 2011 10:18

Today, I had to work. FML.
Would you rather work with a bunch of incompetent drug addicts?

By jekalt | 0

#2604610 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:53

owned?

By OrgasmicBunnies | 9

#2604612 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:54

I really have nothing witty to say. Umm, did you touch the cup that overfilled?

marinus_fml | 19

#2604738 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:17

Best not to say anything at all then.

By alex1432 | 9

#2604641 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:58

could have had to watch 130 guys give a stool sample

mrwelsh3 | 0

#2604879 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:56

or a sperm sample...eww

missy_lynn012 | 0

#2605959 - Thursday 2 June 2011 16:41

glass half full...thats my kind of guy.

By BountyBass | 13

#2604643 - Thursday 2 June 2011 8:58

bet u loved it secretly

By CallMeHush | 0

#2604667 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:02

Why 2 hours later? Did you need time for your erection to go down?

By IscoreOnU | 19

#2604674 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:03

Was it awkward?

imnotonaboat | 0

#2604970 - Thursday 2 June 2011 10:47

That comment was just..awful

By borkchop1992 | 15

#2604723 - Thursday 2 June 2011 9:14

did they have you hold it for them?