The Top

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Domestic bliss

By Emma - 08/12/2015 17:23 - United States

Today, I had to hide the entire drawer of kitchen knives under my bed just to keep my mother from stabbing her cheating boyfriend, and slashing his tires. This happens more often than I'd like to admit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 322

You deserved it 1 584

By thanksforallyoursupportmomanddad - 10/11/2015 20:46 - United States - Arlington

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 107

You deserved it 1 661

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 06:45 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while waiting in line to get my medication, a man who just got his prescription looked me up and down and said "Penis pills, right? Ya look like the type." Then he walked out as a couple of other guys in line started snickering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 774

You deserved it 1 817

Suspicious minds

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I missed my own surprise party because, having heard it being planned, I thought it was going to be an intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 135

You deserved it 45 386

By Anonymous - 04/09/2015 21:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 172

You deserved it 1 634

Fingerlickin' good

By Anonymous - 13/07/2016 04:22 - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 261

You deserved it 1 768

By Malarky - 23/06/2016 19:10 - United States

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 273

You deserved it 1 244

Poor Raymond

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got this huge package at my college dorm from my parents with candy, chips, canned soup and all these goodies. When I called my mom to thank her, she replied, "We got rid of your cat, Annie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 090

You deserved it 2 665

By canadiansun - 26/02/2010 18:37 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 225

You deserved it 4 062

Baked

By non-baker - 18/03/2015 02:12 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 157

You deserved it 9 048

Dutch courage

By not a jesse pinkman joke - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Princeton

Today, my dad turned up drunk to an intervention for my brother's drug addiction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 637

You deserved it 2 640

Great idea

By UnluckyLatina - 22/04/2016 03:30 - Canada - Montréal

Today, I celebrated my friend's birthday. While everyone was completely wasted, a couple of friends suggested that I throw a pie in the birthday boy's face. Only seconds after doing so did I realize that the centre of the pie had still been burning hot when he screamed in agony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 678

You deserved it 12 328

By Anonymous - 14/02/2015 19:02 - United States - Lemont

Today, my mom's obsession with cleanliness hit a new low when she bitched at me for having trash in my trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 970

You deserved it 2 465

Trauma for life

By he's still not convinced - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while visiting my mother, she asked my son who his favorite parent was. As a growing boy, he chose his father. I don't mind, except she then asked, "So, whose side are you taking in the divorce?" My husband and I have no marital issues. My son refuses to believe us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 938

You deserved it 3 644

By ouchieouch - 07/01/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I burned myself while cooking, so I asked my mom to get the burn cream while I waited in the kitchen. While I was waiting, I absentmindedly set my hand on the hot stove, earning myself a second burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 371

You deserved it 42 888

By I Tried - 29/01/2016 22:18 - United States - Burton

Today, I went out clubbing and hit the dance floor, hoping to impress some girls with my moves. All I got was a bunch of weird looks and was told by one girl that I'm the "whitest black guy" she's ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 466

You deserved it 3 659

By Anonymous - 05/12/2014 03:29 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up with a swollen lump on my throat. It's extremely painful. My dad named it Gretchen and now talks about it as if it's a person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 977

You deserved it 2 646

By greatstartto2010 - 03/01/2010 00:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 631

You deserved it 2 550

Fish 101

By liishax3 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I noticed my fish was still hungry after feeding him earlier. I figured, "Eh, a little bit more won't kill him." I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 384

You deserved it 10 116

Busblocked

By bummerdood - 26/08/2012 04:15 - United States - Wichita

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the drive-in theater, planning to have some fun during the movie. We were pretty excited that no cars were parked near us. As soon as the movie started, a bus full of little kids pulled up next to us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 811

You deserved it 8 025

By Anonymous - 17/07/2013 17:38 - United States - Monroe

Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 191

You deserved it 3 852

Thanks, but no thanks

By chiraag87 - 06/11/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I was called into work to fix up their projection system. I drove 40 kilometers in peak hour to get there. As soon as I parked my car and was about to walk in, I got a phone call saying "Don't worry, we fixed it, you don't have to come in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 503

You deserved it 2 224

By NightHawk4926 - 09/09/2015 22:15 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 361

You deserved it 1 754

I'm right here

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 763

You deserved it 2 200

By MADfml - 26/02/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 675

You deserved it 5 212

By now what - 23/02/2015 23:52 - Canada

Today, I got laid off. I abandoned my friends, my boyfriend and moved 10 hours away for this job because my uncle convinced me to. My uncle is my employer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 141

You deserved it 4 888

By LadyNexus - 07/01/2015 03:54 - United States - Mohrsville

Today, I asked my boyfriend how he felt about me and he said, "You're the hottest seven I've ever met." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 244

You deserved it 4 288

By Studying is for crazy people. - 22/11/2014 04:36 - United States - Stockton

Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 629

You deserved it 3 925

By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 21:58 - United States

Today, my school put on a musical. I was one of the leads, and in the middle of my solo, I got a huge nosebleed. A little girl in the front row screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 866

You deserved it 2 742

By Thomas - 13/12/2009 06:46 - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my parents singing "Happy birthday" with lots of hugs and kisses. My birthday is next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 767

You deserved it 2 720

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The Top

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying, "Let's play Hide and Seek". Whoever left the note apparently took the wheels off my truck and scattered them. So far, I've found one in my pool, and two outside my neighbor's house. I still can't find the last one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 548

You deserved it 182

Today, my wife is giving birth to our first born. I am an officer stationed overseas. Apparently, I am not only missing the birth, but I also missed the conception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 958

You deserved it 2 941

Today, I applied for a job and sent my CV, then realised I sent the example CV I got off the internet. Now they think Bob Brown who lives at 123 Sunshine Street is applying for a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 765

You deserved it 38 310

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I've been "spending too much time at the bar." I've been sober for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 866

You deserved it 150

Today, I shot my boyfriend in the balls by mistake, twice. First it was a paintball gun I was using with my nephew, then it was a slingshot I use to scare away the bird who keeps eating fish from my pond. He is now sat icing his groin acting like I did it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 310

You deserved it 1 008

Today, my kids refused to wake up on time, and I was at least 30-45 minutes late to work. Oh, and I forgot to bring my coffee to work. The travel thermos is still sitting on the kitchen counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 268

You deserved it 350