Work: Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint...

By Sorry Not Sorry - 01/11/2016 14:01

Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this joke a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 405

You deserved it 633

Work

Shitpants blues

Or does he?

We need to know more!

By Anonymous - 15/08/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 083

You deserved it 6 454

He Mad

By kitty - 09/09/2019 02:02 - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 447

You deserved it 142

Unrequited and stuck

By Anonymous - 19/05/2020 02:00

Today, I'm crushing so hard on my male roommate that I've basically become a doormat for him. Meanwhile, he's on the phone for hours with the pretty girl he met over Tinder. I feel pathetic, stupid and jealous, which I have no right to be. Worst part, we're still quarantined together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 710

By eyegouger15 - 13/11/2015 16:32 - United States

Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 783

You deserved it 2 578

By klutz - 25/08/2010 04:14 - Canada

Today, while grabbing a husk of corn out of the boiling hot pot, I splashed hot water on my neck, dropped the corn on my injured toe, and cut myself on the counters, all while my family laughed at my pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 151

You deserved it 9 682

By ItRainedOutside - 06/01/2013 08:49 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, after 3 years with my dream girl, I decided to pop the question by making her complete a scavenger hunt ending in her finding me, suit and everything, by the park bench where we had our first kiss. She came home tired and, instead of following the clues, decided to watch TV all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 426

You deserved it 5 248

By Winx - 16/03/2012 07:13 - United States

Today, my dad informed me that my prom dress makes me look chubby from the side, gives me "back fat", and that I wouldn't want to go to prom looking like that. I tried to ignore his hurtful comments and tell myself I was beautiful. Then the clasp broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 262

You deserved it 11 654

By the critic - 18/06/2012 10:22 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I realized I have been single for far too long when I was turning off porno after porno because I couldn't stand the horrible acting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 249

You deserved it 5 991

By CaptainByron - 28/04/2017 00:00

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in close to 2 months. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to buy some weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 319

You deserved it 305

By WickedLittleDoll - 01/12/2014 16:38 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 596

You deserved it 8 839

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

By Anonymous - 10/07/2020 23:01

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 120

By Anonymous - 06/08/2012 05:03 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my fiancée said that our relationship is doomed because an astrologer said so. We only have a few more days until our wedding and she won't listen to a word I say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 729

You deserved it 2 538

By fuckyou - 21/05/2019 06:00

Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 818

You deserved it 185

By BikerGuy - 24/02/2016 06:31 - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 783

You deserved it 2 173

By addie19 - 19/01/2010 19:25 - United States

Today, I found out the antibiotics I'm taking can cause you to vomit unexpectedly. In the car. While driving. To work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 662

You deserved it 2 919

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 00:05 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 143

You deserved it 3 804

By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 04:12 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 753

You deserved it 1 711

Dick move

By blargerpanda - 29/04/2021 20:01 - United States

Today, I heard my 7 year-old step-daughter tell her father over Zoom she cries every night, because she wants to go home with him. I don't have the heart to tell her that he had kicked her and her mom out of the house because he thought mom's stretch marks were unattractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 136

You deserved it 82

Mixed results

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 17:00

Today, I realized that in the 3 and half month relationship with a wonderful guy I truly like, so far I've masturbated more than the whole year I was single before I met him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 239

By Anonymous - 25/09/2013 10:37 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 187

You deserved it 3 883

By nolongerengaged - 03/02/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 713

You deserved it 3 848

By catbum - 10/11/2016 03:54 - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 480

You deserved it 1 428

By Anonymous - 12/04/2015 18:29 - United States - South Burlington

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 076

You deserved it 2 913

Delusional

By sealpop09 - 30/06/2011 14:36 - United States

Today, my dad gave me a speech about being gay. He said he'll accept me if that's who I truly am, but he wants me to think it over first. I'm an actor in a play. I had to explain the concept of wearing costumes and acting like someone else to him. For the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 991

You deserved it 4 219

And today on Maury…

By Anonymous - 24/04/2020 20:00

Today, I was driving my best friend home when he admitted to being gay. I was glad he could trust me with a secret like this. Until he admitted to having sex with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 516

You deserved it 185

By is_that_right - 27/12/2014 19:14 - United States - El Paso

Today, I texted my girlfriend, saying "Hey there." She quickly replied, assuring me that she's not cheating on me. Uh, okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 830

You deserved it 2 930

Explain yourself

By Embarassed - 13/08/2021 18:01

Today, I received pictures on my phone of my husband leaving a hotel with a young lady. Upon confronting him about it, he told me it was his “twin brother.” When I brought up that he was an only child, he said, "Stop believing shit people tell you unless it’s coming from me" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 87

By weeble_wobbles09 - 08/01/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 404

You deserved it 25 714

By Ugh - 27/02/2013 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 418

You deserved it 7 719

Nice first impression.

By Losamus - 15/08/2018 23:30

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 643

You deserved it 448

By Courtney - 04/02/2012 20:22 - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 434

You deserved it 34 593

By Anonymous - 19/06/2011 01:11 - Canada

Today, I was driving my motorcycle, and I noticed someone was in the ditch, so I went to go help them. When the ambulance showed up, they ran over my bike, totaling it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 736

You deserved it 3 740

By kdeeeceee - 09/11/2011 05:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 445

You deserved it 4 555

By SnappyMcOuches - 19/09/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that I not only dislocated two bones in my foot, but also fractured one of those two bones and snapped the other. How did this happen? I tripped over a single stair walking from the bar to the beer garden. I didn't even get to drink anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 589

You deserved it 286

By divorced - 19/08/2010 10:01 - United States

Today, my wife put divorce papers in my birthday card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 679

You deserved it 4 550

By Ew - 26/05/2016 13:02 - United States - Washington

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 432

You deserved it 12 025

By Anonymous - 04/03/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 099

You deserved it 3 189

By Anonymous - 07/08/2018 04:43

Today, my boss asked me to talk to the HR manager to see if I was happy about my pay, which made me think I was going to get a raise. Turns out they paid me nearly twice as much as they should have for the last 2 years and I owe them over €5000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 123

You deserved it 195

By Anonymous - 28/10/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my female best friend. When I pointed out that my friend's a lesbian, she said, "How the hell does that change anything?" I have no idea why I'm not happy to be rid of that paranoid imbecile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 378

You deserved it 421

By N1ch0la1 - 08/08/2009 09:35 - South Africa

Today, while in the shower, my roomates thought it would be really funny if they threw my cat in with me. The doctor who gave me the stitches also thought so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 123

You deserved it 2 961

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Top comments

WCARlover 34

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:01

Sounds like when I was a cashier and when I had hold up the money to make sure it wasn't counterfeit the customer would, without fail, say "HAHA I JUST MADE IT THIS MORNING." And laugh like it was the single funniest joke in the entire world.

socialproduct 19

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:12

I occasionally make lame jokes like that and am usually a little embarrassed of myself afterwards. Can't imagine wanting to repeat the whole thing to management.

WCARlover 34

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:01

WCARlover 34

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:05

Entire world* it should say :p

talaswolf 20

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:08

I know the pain of being a cashier and hearing that joke way to often.

socialproduct 19

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:15

#3, think you got it right the first time :)

AznLuvsMusic 26

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Monday 7 November 2016 6:31

Or when an item doesn't scan and they say "it must be free!" Heard that one several times...

existential28 12

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Monday 7 November 2016 8:31

Or when you ask if they want a receipt and say 'can't claim it on tax'. (liquor store cashier).

Brain_fart 20

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Monday 7 November 2016 22:35

At walmart my cashier couldn't scan some food so I said "I guess it's free!" she replied very unamused " I've only heard that 10 times today" ....i thought I was funny....

NeneJPhilly 8

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Wednesday 9 November 2016 2:26

How is that funny? I couldn't be a cashier. I have no patience for this.

helloimkylieee 19

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Thursday 10 November 2016 19:45

I work at a Starbucks with a drive through and I cannot tell you how many times people have ordered hamburgers thinking it was a hilarious and clever new joke. Same thing also constantly happened when I worked at Taco Bell.

PrincessWinter 18

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:03

you laugh at their jokes, dammit.

Cipher_585 18

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:12

That's a pretty original joke

KaylaTackett 18

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Friday 11 November 2016 3:35

No....it's not.

socialproduct 19

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:12

I occasionally make lame jokes like that and am usually a little embarrassed of myself afterwards. Can't imagine wanting to repeat the whole thing to management.

Welshite 39

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:15

That's why I had a pre-recorded laugh-track ready to go whenever a customer made a lame joke. I'd hit that play button and stare at them as laughter from long-dead people filled the store. It was glorious.

Tripartita 44

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Monday 7 November 2016 5:28

"I'd like to launch a complaint. I told one of your cashiers a joke. They asked for my ID, and I said they couldn't have it." "…" "Is there anyth—" "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I JUST GOT IT! Man, that is some witty humor. Fuck! It took me a second. Wow. Woooow! Did you write that yourself? AHAHA, I just remembered the part where you said they couldn't have your ID! Classic!"

ogs_fml 6

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Monday 7 November 2016 7:21

Must be some needy asf neighborhood you're working in for someone there to complain you not laughing at their joke

nunley2 7

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Monday 7 November 2016 8:46

I hear ya sometimes the old jackass's joke ain't funny and it gets old listening to it and plastering a smile on your face!!!

fireblazes 11

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Monday 7 November 2016 10:17

I just tell them, "That joke gets funnier every time I hear it!"

ohsnapword 21

Monday 7 November 2016 13:12

I would just laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes as if it were the funniest thing in the world. Be sure to compliment the customer on their originality.