Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I...

By Studying is for crazy people. - 22/11/2014 04:36 - United States - Stockton

Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML

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Miscellaneous

The past that suits you best

Stubborn

TMI

By dumbblonde - 6/8/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 21:50 - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2020 19:58

The art of seduction

Today, I took a bath and dressed in a skimpy lingerie. I sat on the couch for an hour and a half before giving up and putting on my boyfriend's old t shirt. It was then that he decided to comment. On the t shirt I was wearing. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2011 15:15 - United States

Today, my mom learned how to use the text messaging on her smartphone. I've received 37 already, and she calls after every single one to make sure I understood her. FML

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By Username - 17/3/2011 04:04

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

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By yellow_sunflowers101 - 16/4/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

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By sherronj - 7/6/2011 03:26 - United States

Today, I announced to my family that I will be trying out for the next season of America's Best Dance Crew. They responded by laughing hysterically and my mother said "You guys suck, good luck making it past auditions". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2018 18:30

Today, while trying to help my disabled uncle into his walker, his one testicle popped out of the leg of his short shorts. I asked him to adjust himself and had to hold on to his walker as he did it. FML

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By sober - 12/2/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML

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By hiii. - 16/3/2010 02:27 - United States

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of almost two years proposed to me. Everything was perfect. The ring was beautiful. And seconds after I said yes he went to play his new xbox game. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 15:15 - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

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By Aaron - 14/5/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

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By during - 19/5/2010 12:12 - United States

Narcissism

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

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By 3some? uh, no - 1/2/2013 19:59 - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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By sex deprived - 16/6/2013 05:10 - United States

Today, I got more pleasure from scratching a bug bite than I've gotten from my boyfriend in 2 whole years. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

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By emancipate me - 15/5/2016 19:59 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my mom was in a really bad mood, so I stayed in my room to avoid her. It didn't take long before she barged in and started bitching about my dog, who'd pissed her off by acting too happy. Yes, she's actually that insane, and I have to deal with it on a daily basis. FML

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By D - 4/12/2011 07:46 - United States

Today, I was having a rough day and decided to go out for a walk at 1 a.m. to clear my head. I ended up being driven home by two cops, who thought I was prostituting myself at the truck stop. When we arrived, they had a nice conversation with my parents. FML

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By lalibear - 3/5/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

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By hard - 9/8/2010 07:07 - Canada

Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 12:09 - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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By eayers2689 - 30/5/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I went to a barbecue and noticed a girl that I had be interested in. When I walked up to ask how she was doing I noticed she had some BBQ sauce on her face. Jokingly I licked my thumb and reach to remove it. It turned out to be a scab from a pimple she had popped earlier. FML

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By biwhat - 8/3/2014 09:23 - Australia - Bassendean

Today, I told my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. He dumped me because apparently now there is "too much competition". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, on my 21st birthday, a relative asked me if I was still engaged to the love of my life. The man I spent several years with, gave my virginity to, moved across the country for, who promised to marry me before my 21st, and who swore he was over his ex for good. No, but thanks for asking. FML

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By Satver7 - 10/3/2017 22:00

An Inconvenient Thief

Today, after meeting a girl for the first time and having sex with her, I found not only my wallet missing but also the 128 GB pen drive that had my project I've been working on for 6 months on it. I have to give the presentation in 3 days. FML

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By -.- - 19/1/2015 01:18 - United States - Ellwood City

Today, my mother told me how long it took for her to have me. Not how long she carried me in her womb - how long it took her and my dad to have sex. FML

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By cass - 10/5/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2015 07:35 - United States - Davis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

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By mustabeendrugs - 14/10/2013 01:14 - United States - Tucson

Today, a customer called me "chink eyes", "dog eater", "bloody Chinese communist" and "ching chong." I'm black. FML

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By Stupid - 1/3/2019 04:00

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

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By aranya - 14/6/2012 22:51 - Netherlands - Hengevelde

Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML

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By Ella - 24/7/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

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By ashlee - 31/8/2010 18:07 - United States

Today, after my husband's phone buzzed like crazy all morning, I decided to pick it up and see what all the fuss was about. He had three new picture messages from his "boss", naked and strapped to a chair with the caption, "Are you still coming over tonight?" We've been married for nine years and have two children. FML

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By Scat - 15/12/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I looked sad. I told him that I found out a co-worker died over the weekend and I failed my final exam. He then informed me that my toilet was clogged again, that he had a lot of work to do, and left. I have to find a plunger. FML

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By Laundrylady - 18/8/2009 20:52 - United States

Today, I was at the laundromat doing my clothes when I noticed a cute guy next to me. I tried to be a ninja and sneak my sock into his basket so I could start a conversation with him. He saw me. FML

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By BulldogHoops - 12/11/2012 05:12 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I decided to buy a meal for a homeless man who was being shunned at an intersection. When I went to hand it to him, I realized it was my dad, wearing a tattered old shirt and pretending to be homeless to make some money. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 20:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that my roommate secretly edited a paper I wrote and recently turned in, so that it repeatedly refers to the famed author "Kneel Gayman." I'm positive that's not how it's spelled. FML

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By financially_wreckd - 21/12/2014 00:53

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

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By szinna - 7/6/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

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Top comments

By colton_colton | 49

#6125324 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:23

Well did you answer back atleast?

By hard_candy | 25

#6125331 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:25

i wonder what the cat was asking.

COMMENTS

By colton_colton | 49

#6125324 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:23

Well did you answer back atleast?

PleasantDino | 22

#6125341 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:30

It'd be rude not to

cmo333 | 10

#6125477 - Saturday 22 November 2014 21:24

True

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6125760 - Sunday 23 November 2014 4:45

¿Tiene su gato leer la mente?...

kfchicken_fml | 26

#6126710 - Monday 24 November 2014 4:50

am I the only one who thought of puss and boots?

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6127873 - Tuesday 25 November 2014 21:41

Si. Yo estoy un gato es leen. Y escibe.

By 11up | 14

#6125327 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:23

That sounds pretty sweet to me! Plus it's extra studying

By hard_candy | 25

#6125331 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:25

i wonder what the cat was asking.

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6125349 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:37

¿Dónde está mi Meow Mix, señor?

ProfKowalski | 5

#6125504 - Saturday 22 November 2014 22:16

The cat was asking if OP was feline fine.

wanted_2_want | 40

#6125512 - Saturday 22 November 2014 22:37

The cat was asking if he was high or drunk....

PleasantDino | 22

#6125659 - Sunday 23 November 2014 1:55

yo quiero taco bell?

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#6126671 - Monday 24 November 2014 4:09

I thumbed this up even though it was a dog who said that. We can't all hit homeruns and that was close enough for me.

dannnngthatsux | 19

#6127874 - Tuesday 25 November 2014 21:42

No. Taco Bell es mucho mal.

By 19990231 | 29

#6125336 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:27

Sure that wasn't the brownies you had?

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6125497 - Saturday 22 November 2014 21:58

I bet they were the "special" kind.

BbyGrrl95 | 7

#6356739 - Tuesday 21 July 2015 8:18

@26 you need to be more specific, all brownies are special

By noobsatin | 19

#6125337 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:27

that's when you know you're doing a good job studying the material.

By buckstop1 | 37

#6125339 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:28

You sure you were not just high?

By DenverTyrrell | 13

#6125345 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:35

Did you answer? Your cat is just testing you :P

By Rosebudx | 32

#6125348 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:36

Your cat was studying too. Why do you think they sleep on our textbooks all the time?

MrSassypants | 32

#6125428 - Saturday 22 November 2014 20:07

They absorb the information through their jelly bellies. Those rapscallions!

By devildog562 | 33

#6125362 - Saturday 22 November 2014 18:50

El gato! Yo habla espanol. To quieres pescado¿

buckstop1 | 37

#6125403 - Saturday 22 November 2014 19:35

El pescado es por scrubs.

By miianah1 | 22

#6125376 - Saturday 22 November 2014 19:01

Are you crazy? We all knows cats can only speak French, and maybe Russian.

Ichiya | 29

#6125513 - Saturday 22 November 2014 22:39

The speak evil aka French.