Miscellaneous: Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 26

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 133

22/11/2014 04:36

Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 560

You deserved it 3 898

Miscellaneous

Broken heart

Walk the line

Fake it til you make it

26/12/2009 03:13

Today, my father went out to get batteries for the remote control helicopter I bought him for Christmas. In his excitement, he backed his truck into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 040

You deserved it 2 910

25/04/2016 20:14

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 811

You deserved it 1 117

13/01/2017 18:00

Today, I had to suspend a student. Apparently, someone convinced him that he turned invisible. He walked into the girls locker room thinking he could not be seen. I work at a high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 622

You deserved it 580

30/10/2009 03:35

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 754

You deserved it 2 031

08/01/2010 00:19

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 170

You deserved it 7 158

11/01/2012 02:52

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 773

You deserved it 2 795

18/10/2009 05:03

Today, my dad was supposed to come see me for our twice-a-year visit. He was 3 hours late. So I called, and asked him why he was late - he said 'Oh, something came up'. I asked him what was so important. Apparently, the garage needed cleaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 279

You deserved it 2 302

Daddy's girl

By TooMuchForToLittle - 06/09/2021 11:00

Today, yet again, my 3 year-old daughter came home from a few hours with her father, screams and cries over everything, and when she realizes it won't get her anywhere, screams at me that she hates me and that she wants to go home. I calmly told her she is home, and she screamed, "This is not home!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 119

28/03/2011 02:49

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first, she'd only dated me to get her friend jealous, and that even now, she "only kind of liked" me. I bought a ring only a few days ago, and was planning on proposing to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 836

You deserved it 4 117

12/04/2009 18:11

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106 619

You deserved it 5 291

02/11/2010 06:20

Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 780

You deserved it 14 279

11/10/2018 14:00

Today, my boyfriend of six years came home wearing a ninja suit. When I asked why, he said "These are my breakup clothes. I'm breaking up with you." He then screamed, threw a plastic shuriken at me and ran away. It hit me in the breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 541

You deserved it 335

Watch your step

By the guy that didn't get his kiss - 25/06/2021 16:01

Today, while at a football game, I had my arm around my girlfriend. We were really close and I was just about to kiss her when suddenly her phone rang. It was her dad, telling her he's watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 114

26/04/2014 23:29

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 613

You deserved it 7 377

10/11/2012 09:02

Today, it was my birthday. I finally got the PS3 I've been asking for, for a long time. When I opened the box, I didn't find a PS3, but a bunch of clothes that my mom put in my brother's PS3 box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 946

You deserved it 4 174

03/05/2012 12:16

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 281

You deserved it 7 338

16/05/2013 05:58

Today, I had to explain to my husband why I was assuming that he was planning to attend my graduation ceremonies for my PhD next week. He still doesn't understand why he has to be there, and is pissed that he will miss his weekly pub crawl with his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 471

You deserved it 5 827

07/01/2012 06:48

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 310

You deserved it 5 681

27/07/2009 08:35

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 222

You deserved it 4 026

16/01/2012 08:19

Today, I had to explain to my 65-year-old mother that it is inappropriate for her to walk around in front of me in her underwear. Her response? "Too bad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 793

You deserved it 13 657

03/09/2014 02:41

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 729

You deserved it 14 710

17/10/2009 05:18

Today, I left work at 11pm. It was cold and dark, and I was anxious to get home, so I cut across some soccer fields to get to my car. About halfway across, the sprinklers came on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 352

You deserved it 8 811

06/03/2015 14:20

Today, my mom found out I'm failing three classes. Now she won't let me go to a convention I bought passes for weeks in advance. Each pass was $45, and I bought 2 more for my friends. You do the math on that, because I apparently can't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 050

You deserved it 45 512

17/07/2015 17:50

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 718

You deserved it 2 606

26/01/2010 14:39

Today, I was driving home from college when I saw a couple of sporty chicks jogging on the side of the road. I honked at them and yelled suggestively as I do at college, which usually gets a fun flirty reaction from college girls. It was my next-door neighbor and her 11 year old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 505

You deserved it 56 409

25/09/2018 07:30

Today, my crush finally asked me to homecoming. I told my best friend, thinking she would be happy for me. Now we are in a big argument and she won't talk to me because I have a date and she doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 186

You deserved it 258

12/04/2014 05:24

Today, I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend, his response was, "I'll start watching pregnant porn to build up an attraction to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 761

You deserved it 8 375

BIKES!

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 08:01

Today, I’m doing the 5 km bike ride to the grocery store. As always, I'm well equipped: Shopping bags, shopping list, pen, sunglasses, hat, sunscreen, raincoat, tampons, tissues, lip balm, water bottle… Anything I forgot? Aaah, yes. Money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 804

You deserved it 232

Where d'you come from?

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 23:01

Today, as someone with a large chest, I'm used to sometimes finding food in my clothes at the end of the day. However, when I took off my bra off, I found half of a dead grasshopper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 113

09/09/2012 08:34

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 483

You deserved it 4 896

25/08/2015 18:31

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 760

You deserved it 1 869

Top of the mornin' to ya!

By Anonymous Taco Man - 03/08/2021 08:01

Today, my dog had REALLY bad diarrhea. I found that out when I woke up to find it all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 846

You deserved it 79

All in the family

By Anonymous - 04/12/2020 02:02

Today, I found out my boyfriend of a year is actually my cousin. Thanks, Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 78

19/09/2012 17:25

Today, I spent hours crafting a tiara to look like the princess from my boyfriend's favourite game series, Zelda. I sent him a picture of me wearing it, and got the reply: "Sure, that's nice, but you'd be better as Majora." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 099

You deserved it 3 575

Exterminators are expensive

By "vinyl_mermaid" - 02/03/2017 14:00

Today, in an effort to rearrange my bedroom, I planned to reroute my internet cables under my house. Then I found out about the black widow infestation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 524

You deserved it 457

17/05/2009 11:32

Today, I had organised to go for an all day fishing trip, but had forgotten to book a day off. I called my boss and told him that I had to stay with my mum in hospital after a car crash that she had last night. He called me a liar and fired me. Turns out my mum is having an affair with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 890

You deserved it 21 396

21/11/2015 21:12

Today, I sliced my finger on a frozen chicken cutlet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 661

You deserved it 2 768

20/12/2010 02:26

Today, my roommate asked me to lock the door as we left our place. I told her to use my keys, because my hands were full. Afterwards, she and her boyfriend set off out of town for the next couple of days. She forgot to give me back my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 000

You deserved it 5 606

03/01/2011 04:14

Today, my husband's old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 486

You deserved it 3 883

We're in Hell

By Anonymous - 09/08/2021 20:01

Today, it's Monday. I'm living in hangover hell. Work is hell. Moving my head is hell. Did I party all weekend? Yes. Except that it was just me and my cat. Nothing was consumed other than several bottles of wine and tubs of Ben & Jerry's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 315

You deserved it 1 135

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Top comments

colton_colton 49

Saturday 22 November 2014 18:23

Well did you answer back atleast?

hard_candy 25

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:25

i wonder what the cat was asking.

Comments

colton_colton 49

Saturday 22 November 2014 18:23

Well did you answer back atleast?

PleasantDino 22

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:30

It'd be rude not to

cmo333 10

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Saturday 22 November 2014 21:24

True

incoherentrmblr 21

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Sunday 23 November 2014 4:45

¿Tiene su gato leer la mente?...

kfchicken 31

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Monday 24 November 2014 4:50

am I the only one who thought of puss and boots?

dannnngthatsux 19

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Tuesday 25 November 2014 21:41

Si. Yo estoy un gato es leen. Y escibe.

11up 14

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:23

That sounds pretty sweet to me! Plus it's extra studying

hard_candy 25

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:25

i wonder what the cat was asking.

iLike2Teabag 27

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:37

¿Dónde está mi Meow Mix, señor?

ProfKowalski 5

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Saturday 22 November 2014 22:16

The cat was asking if OP was feline fine.

wanted_2_want 40

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Saturday 22 November 2014 22:37

The cat was asking if he was high or drunk....

PleasantDino 22

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Sunday 23 November 2014 1:55

yo quiero taco bell?

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Monday 24 November 2014 4:09

I thumbed this up even though it was a dog who said that. We can't all hit homeruns and that was close enough for me.

dannnngthatsux 19

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Tuesday 25 November 2014 21:42

No. Taco Bell es mucho mal.

19990231 29

Saturday 22 November 2014 18:27

Sure that wasn't the brownies you had?

Brandi_Faith 33

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Saturday 22 November 2014 21:58

I bet they were the "special" kind.

BbyGrrl95 7

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Tuesday 21 July 2015 8:18

@26 you need to be more specific, all brownies are special

noobsatin 19

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:27

that's when you know you're doing a good job studying the material.

buckstop1 37

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:28

You sure you were not just high?

DenverTyrrell 13

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:35

Did you answer? Your cat is just testing you :P

Rosebudx 32

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:36

Your cat was studying too. Why do you think they sleep on our textbooks all the time?

MrSassypants 32

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Saturday 22 November 2014 20:07

They absorb the information through their jelly bellies. Those rapscallions!

devildog562 33

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Saturday 22 November 2014 18:50

El gato! Yo habla espanol. To quieres pescado¿

buckstop1 37

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Saturday 22 November 2014 19:35

El pescado es por scrubs.

miianah1 22

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Saturday 22 November 2014 19:01

Are you crazy? We all knows cats can only speak French, and maybe Russian.

Ichiya 29

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Saturday 22 November 2014 22:39

The speak evil aka French.