Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was about to break up with my psycho girlfriend. As I sat her down, she told me she wanted to show me something. She then took off her shirt to reveal my name tattooed across her chest. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first, she'd only dated me to get her friend jealous, and that even now, she "only kind of liked" me. I bought a ring only a few days ago, and was planning on proposing to her. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be witty to buy a miniature stop sign, and hold it up when she gets bored during sex. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were at the river. She threw mud on me, so I playfully threw some on her, and we got into a mud fight. Apparently, she took the "fight" seriously, because I'm now single. FML
Today, I drove 4 hours to see my girlfriend of a year, as she had asked me to stay with her for a few days. When I arrived she told me she wanted to be friends as she liked someone else, but wanted me to stay the few days so we could work on being friends. FML
Today, I sent my girlfriend a nice "Good morning" text after I woke up. Then I found a paper note stuck to my bedroom door, in which she broke up with me. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by putting a Post-it note on my locker that said, "Consider yourself dumped." FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house, and her dad saw us. She decided that she didn't feel like riding along when it was time for her dad to drive me home, and went to bed. I, on the other hand, got to have a 15-minute conversation about the merits of "physical boundaries." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Iamnotmyself 17
I bid 20$
JiggaJayZ 16
I bid alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (338)
smurfsarwales 9
tell her your priceless :p
iSitt 0
why would she agree to come over right after the "just be friends speech"?
smurfsarwales 9
there never was a speech, but I guess he felt the vibes.
youshitme 9
Your priceless what? Oh, you mean 'You're priceless'.
Iamnotmyself 17
-37 We knew what he meant
youshitme 9
Your priceless what? Oh, you mean 'You're priceless'.
smurfsarwales 9
40- it's not my fault that some people are born retarded. take you as an example. when there is one small grammar mistake, your handicapped brain is unable to comprehend the rest of the phrase. even though, unless you have lived in a dark cellar all your life, which your parents should have done to save the everyone else having the pain of interacting with you, you would have realized this the interwebz, and people can do what the **** they like without needing some retarded advice from you.
DeepDownThere 3
I don't understand a damn thing that kid says half of the time.
goshpeople 4
#37 obviously understood what the commenter meant by the grammatically incorrect sentence. You can't spend much time online without coming across that kind of thing countless times. However, mixing up "your" and "you're" actually makes the original commenter look like more of an idiot than Youshitme does for correcting him in a non-conventional way.
ibitehard 9
XD My name is Emily, I would like to claim OP, unless he's really ugly, then he can be sold :3 sowwy for being shallow. :p
dani212 0
126, you shallowness is not excused
yomommma 6
Yea because you aren't worth shit.
gene818 13
As a way to try and get her back or as a last insult?
Rosalie_Haostn 0
then she'll write free on his leg lol that might be worse than selling him.
gertyygirly 4
poor op! Your 'girlfriend' is kind of a bitch for doing that to you. You don't write property of _____ on somebody's body if you are just friends. Talk about a tease....
fthku 13
#57, you're being quite a hypocrite. You said it's the internet, everyone can do whatever the **** they want, right? So, youshitme can correct you all he wants. It looks like you should take your own advice.
gtwerd 0
"If it lacks a price... It's probably worthless."
Iamnotmyself 17
I bid 20$
IndigoFuckYou 9
I'm offering $25, and a six pack of beer.
DeepDownThere 3
$20??? Damn son I'd do anything for that. Want a ********?
JiggaJayZ 16
I bid alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero.
flockz 20
my bid- my sister's virginity.
Iamnotmyself 17
-9 15$ unless your toothless.
JiggaJayZ 16
it's not just about the bjs bro, you OWN that person. Use him for stem cell or sell his soul to the devil for millions or shit I dunno
smurfsarwales 9
il give you the elder wand and the invisibility cloak.
DeepDownThere 3
Bro. Now I ain't no *****. $20 or you don't get any of this. You want something for $15? Don't make me get my daddy up in here.
ArentICute 0
10- I remember that FML
FMMFL1992 3
What a tool bag. Why would you let her write on you?
dolphincheddar 10
I've heard of signs of wanting to break up. but this is just too literal
donny31459 0
Uhh I'll bid this Mexican.
DeepDownThere 3
Agreed bro. Man up and Punish her.
Baagsbaseball 5
^^Old FML references. Win. :)
shelbygordon44 7
My bid: 10$, half a pack of cigs, and my sister. And if any accessories come with said product I'll add a few cases of beer to the equation.
TheBitchOfChuckN 7
30, and I don't laugh.
scrapmetal58 9
19 - I'll be your slave for those two! Also, I bid FML.
LolMoqz 10
What is this? "The Price is Right"?
2ndSucks 15
I bid 40$ and my dog. She'll be forever loyal (;
CompettiveCheer 0
I bid OPs mother.
issoz 10
$19.9 an hour, my house is a mess!
Drigr 9
I bid the dog in my house that just won't die. seriously. he is like 16, got hit by a car, and still lives..
Epilepsy_fml 0
$20! Damn son I'd do anything for that! Want a ********?
JiggaJayZ 16
100- Number 9 said the exact same thing, which was who I replied to earlier, and got modded. Godspeed
JiggaJayZ 16
Damn that was quick...
BrokenDreamer24 15
Your dog has one hell of a guardian angel watching over him. Or he's one tough mofo. That's a dog Chuck Norris needs XD
Iamnotmyself 17
Sold! To the guy that offered 1000$!
crymore007 11
14 the point of bidding is you're supposed to bid higher than the last guy...
RetardedBullFrog 4
120, its not over yet !! I bid my blastoise, mudkipz, and a box juicy juice! some people gots to catch em all!
NavySEAL13 0
I'll bid 1 dog 2 pistols my gf $1001 and a semi-truck full of beer
BaconDave 12
Unlimited fried or grilled chicken for two years. And the resurrection stone because 19 didn't say it.
skizzlerz 0
I'm not even thumbing this because it has 69 thumbs up :D lmao thumbs up this comment if you noticed the extra innuendo (even besides the 69) in the first part the first time you read it xD
AaronTkr 0
#40- it's cute.
IWarnedYou 0
$20*
danishbagel 3
I'll bid a penny. Not just any penny, a penny with Abraham Lincoln's face on it.
grapisy 8
I'll call your whatever and raise you 12 cheeseburgers.
juicedboi 7
I will bid myself. But I may not be of equal value so I'll throw in a tamagochi!
dolphincheddar 10
does it come with dolphin?
Iamnotmyself 17
-171 I bid your soul along with my 20$
powderpuffjord13 0
Sing the song "I'm Yours" untils she passionately kisses you :D
scrapmetal58 9
I bid infinity and beyond (plus my previous bid).
dolphincheddar 10
174 my soul is worth a lot, but you'll have to consult Satan cuz i recently traded it to him for a baconator. also. I bid chuck norris' first pubic hair
ak2580 0
ha
Iamnotmyself 17
-182 I bid proof aliens exist, Jesus Of Nazareth's pet crocodile, Rush Limbaugh's Chinese slave, and my mothers first born child. His name? Bigfoot.
Rosalie_Haostn 0
....I wouldn't bid THAT much maybe give him the... nope I wouldn't bid those things.
Iamnotmyself 17
-195 You sir have no sense of adventure. Also dolphincheddar. I negotiated with Satan your soul is mine all for the price of my 20 fellow cultists souls!
sheethapins 13
I bid my lucky leotard, my chia pet, 12 tacos, and my collection of Chuckie Cheese tokens.
toastyjustice 5
I bid seasons 1-8 of Walker Texas Ranger.
Aim4thebullseye 4
alright I gotta top all these bids so my offer is: 40 Lamborghini's 30 mansions 20 space stations 10 countries 9 nuclear warheads 8 tine machines, top 7 deadliest assassins, 6 geniuses, 5 moons, 4 effiel towers (yes there's more then one in the world, 3 fairy godparents, 2 oceans, and a patrich on a pear tre...i mean, the tahj mahal(spelling), whitehouse, the president of USA, the friggen great wall of china, and a shiny penny. I am ready to claim my item now.
Iamnotmyself 17
-219 I counter this by bidding my pet monkey that rides a unicycle.
Philliesfan9391 3
I bid my dog! If you put peanut butter on yourself he will lick you anywhere. .... Anywhere!
myschyveus 0
I bid an original biker mice from mars action figure, a lecherous new guinea Pygmy, and the gross national product of north Korea after Kim Jong il takes his annual salary. and a single tear from Scarlett Johanson.
ChickenInMyKitch 4
I think I still remember my Neopets account, SO, I will bid that. it is to be noted that I also had the best neopets evar...
Aim4thebullseye 4
*steals pet monkey on unicycle & adds to list* NOW WHAT?
Iamnotmyself 17
-225 Kills you. Steals everything. I'm winning!
Jownz345 3
YDI for having legs
kaykay9080 5
I bid my small b0obs~
Iamnotmyself 17
236 Have some decency, your 14.
Jownz345 3
we have some pedophials in here ø.ø
whitesox365 0
I would bid Chuck Norris, but he already bid me...
ArentICute 0
I bid Osamas body, half of China and a dirty sock.
CanWeMicrowaveIt 11
Wow, this guy must feel wanted. Well, I bid: *Ahem* hold on, gotta read through this list..... no..... no not that one...... what is this doing on this list..... no..... THAT ONE. I bid: Something of equal value to the distance between the sun, and the black hole in the middle of the milky way. when you find something to top that, tell me. I have a penny up my sleeve!
CanWeMicrowaveIt 11
Wow, this guy must feel wanted. Well, I bid: *Ahem* hold on, gotta read through this list..... no..... no not that one...... what is this doing on this list..... no..... THAT ONE. I bid: Something of equal value to the distance between the sun, and the black hole in the middle of the milky way. when you find something to top that, tell me. I have a penny up my sleeve!
CanWeMicrowaveIt 11
God dammit double post :C. I never thought it would happen to me :C, but I thought that bout aids also....
LolMoqz 10
Oh yeah, I offer my "The Young and the Restless" complete series DVD.
Docbee 11
Soviet Russia bids me
saaaalt 4
I'll just make one of my milkshakes, that'll have him running to the yard ;)
Taurusbaybe 8
That was so entertaining to read! Keep 'em bids coming!
Iamnotmyself 17
-257 I bid your mom!
AunteyN 4
Lol amazing refrence.
StopDropNRoll 11
If I ask politely can I have him for free?
steveakafranxy 7
#14 got burned by #123
steveakafranxy 7
#168 Gouda or no deal
embr 0
omg tht made my day
mfmylifesrsly 30
I know I'm late but.. I bid my nipples, and a never-ending supply of bjs and sammiches.
gmc_blossom 21
I'll give you one of the Horcruxes it takes to kill me. 0-0
Babalu722 3
ill accept that
hi5534 3
your dog must be IMMORTAL D:
wordnerd42 0
I'd place a bid, but I'm terribly afraid of realtors.
wordnerd42 0
I'd place a bid, but I'm terribly afraid of realtors.
AgentCobra 5
ah, I see what you did there! :)
damatix 3
stfu n gtfo u ruined it
sweetness17 7
my bid: whatever underwear im wearing, justin beibers virginity and as many beers that itll take in order to get his virginity while wearing that very large sombrero
sweetness17 7
hell noo. mines better than yours;)
zkcupcake 4
I bid: the worlds largest cupcake (Chocolate), the worlds largest rubber duck, and Mad-Eye Moody (Who didn't die, he just fell through the roof of my house, landed in my jello and currently resides in my basement)
ashl3ym0n3t 4
idk what op means. is that bad?
BShady96 0
i bid... wait what are we bidding for again?
Gazarok 0
i bid a lifetime supply of cheezits, the Milky Way Galaxy, Jupiter, Argentenia, 20 MILFs, God himself (thats right, God is your slave. he'll do anything you want!), my original and still working Frogger Atari cartridge, the phone im using to type this on, my sister, France, this wonderful dead cricket i found in my pocket along with my pocket lint, my entire collection of pokemon trading cards, and my other car.
Chernie 6
The Elder Wand is broken, blasphemy.
10lolo 4
i bid my lesbian ex girlfriend
gomie 0
I like her sense of humour
lord_jimmington 0
Since when did the convention become to put the dollar sign AFTER the figure? *shakes head*
yenze 18
why is everyone wanting to buy Op?
poorjudgement 26
Beacuse his gf put him on sale, after telling him she wants to be "just friends", so ppl tried to chear him up. (and maybe even really buy him :p)
dunkme2 4
first!
Dasuss 11
Fail.
MsSoulReaper 27
Sir, I believe you are third. :)
futtbuck101 1
You should write "for rent" on her
IndigoFuckYou 9
Well, how much are you going for?
kittykat1497 7
I'll give her $20 and half a case of beer ;P
StopDropNRoll 11
bids start on #1 ^
sarahbella101 7
At least you're worth a rice :p at least you werent for free.
_Sophia_ 14
Ruthless business woman.
NuTrees 9
AkA bitch!
goshpeople 4
You've gotta love her creative idea, though.
itsgen 16
this is a stupid fml really wow she drew on ur leg for sale -.-
dinosaurfeces 4
Somebody call the waambulance.
Ashle1gh 14
Neenawwww.
thelegitlady 0
and let the bidding begin!
beastlybeauty 4
Do I hear a one dollar? one dollar anyone? No?
grapisy 8
*crickets*
MsSoulReaper 27
Maybe someone better will buy you?
a_nutritionist 10
overly clingy male who reads into everything looking for new home. i dont see it selling.
angeluv_2014 22
She's the one who wrote that he was her "property". It sounds like she's just playing with his head.
J1hill33 12
that's what you get when you known she just wanted to stay in the friend zone
KatrinaKitten 16
Yeah. OP even referred to his ex as just his "girlfriend"...Why would he do that? I really loathe guys who won't get it through their head that they're done with in terms of relationships, and ANY attempts, with any amount of kind intent, will only end with another rejection. Sure, sometimes you can win someone back, but there IS a reason why they broke ties in the first place.
theaws0m3guy 4
^ Bitch alert. -.-
KatrinaKitten 16
Because voicing an opinion is being a bitch.
scrapmetal58 9
68 - Sometimes it can be. I'm not saying I think you're a bitch though.
KatrinaKitten 16
68- You're right.
xk75 4
61: delusional manipulative clinger alert, much like the OP.
johnson94 5
^ meow
grapisy 8
36- the person would still be OPs friend, and would still be female, therefore would still be his girl friend. Maybe OP simply forgot the space?
KatrinaKitten 16
176, I cannot believe your utter idiocy! It's obviously implied in the FML that OP feels that the girl is still his girlfriend...it's ridiculous to assume that he refers to a friend that's a girl as a girlfriend when he aims to "win her back." Now, unless you aren't producing blatantly and absolutely childish assumptions, don't bother to comment any further and save me the frustration.
KattAlex 4
Well, it didn't say how long they were broken up. If it was only a day or two he might still be in the habit of calling her his girlfriend. Though, he still wants her back, so, you could definitely be right about him not being able to get over the fact that their relationship ended.
xxlauruh 0
this whole stupid argument should never have occurred.
shamisthomas 0
I agree friends zone is never a good place
booty_9 5
Awkwardd..