Animals: Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way...

By Anonymous - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

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Animals

Understandable

Operation time!

Pride and joy

By Olive14

Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom found my dildo, and got so angry that she beat me with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my GPS told me that I'd reached my destination. In the middle of the highway. FML

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By M.L. - United States

Today, I went on a busy train. I packed myself in close to a very good looking woman and, too scared to say anything, looked out the window. After feeling a hand on my ass, I assumed it was her. To not ruin the moment, I didn't look back. After a few stops, I looked back. It was an old man. FML

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By ouch - United States - Stockton

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

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By Nana - Sweden - Skellefte

Today, I showed my friends the picture I drew picturing the four of us in a 'zombie apocalypse' setting. Turns out they never saw me as their friend, and I'm creeping them out. FML

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By Anonymous - Venezuela

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

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By glitterzebra - United States

Today, I realized that I can tell how long it has been since I have been with a guy, by the length of my leg hair. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks for that, dad!

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

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By thanks dad

Today, I went bowling with my family. When my brother went up to buy a drink refill, the guy at the counter kindly refilled it for free and told him that he thought I was pretty. My dad laughed and shouted, "Pretty ugly!" FML

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By Dude - United States

Today, I got laid off from work. I was being escorted to the elevator when another coworker stepped inside. He said, "How goes it?". I said, "It goes". Then he said, "At least we have a job". FML

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By WesJaz - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

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By Nick

Today, I was swimming in a public pool, and I felt a tug on my swimming trunks. It was my grandma snorkeling. FML

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By Ser17 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Solna

Today, I was on an airplane, waiting to go to the bathroom. After a few minutes, the man behind me asked what I was waiting for, and checked the bathroom. It was empty, and there was a big line behind me. FML

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By Raiders4ever - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By kanenakid - United States

Today, I realized the closest person I have to a friend is the debt collector who calls me every day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, at the age of 17, I had my first kiss with the girl I've liked for over a year. However, it was a stage kiss and the girl has made it clear that she finds me repulsive. FML

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By Humpday - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

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By Angela - United States

Today, I made plans with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. We agreed to meet at a diner and I told him I'd be standing outside. I watched him pull up, look right at me, then do something with his phone. Seconds later, I got a text saying "Sorry, but I'm busy today and can't make it." FML

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By Vehophobic - 21/9/2020 07:05 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Not a car person

Today, my grandfather called me for the first time since lockdown. Just like the last 3 times we spoke, he tried to pressure me into learning to drive, despite my making it clear that it absolutely terrifies me. He won't stop asking. FML

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By (not) fucked - United States - Kingsville

Today, my girlfriend decided that we won't be having any more sex until I beat her ridiculously high score on Flappy Bird. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I needed to buy Vagisil. I went to the grocery store so I could use the self check-out. My item rung up incorrectly, so a girl came to help. She was new and having trouble, so she called more people to help. I ended up having five people around me talking about my Vagisil purchase. FML

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By thesockmancometh - United States

Today, I told my therapist that I suspected my partner was unfaithful, but I don't think he believed me. "What, did you find a membership card to a sex club in his wallet or something?" he asked. When I got home, I looked in my partner's wallet. I found a membership card to a sex club. FML

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By 3023-dang - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is four months pregnant. She can't wait for us to be parents. I guess she forgot that I haven't seen her in 7 months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piscataway

Today, I asked a traffic cop if it was okay to park my car briefly in a Monday to Friday only parking spot, since it's Saturday. She politely replied I could. I came back less than ten minutes later, only to find a parking ticket stuck to my windshield. FML

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By laviestpasimal - France

Today, I had six long hours with the same math teacher. To get home, I travel by bus. Guess who sat down next to me for the whole trip. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

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By ilovezim29 - United States - Windsor

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

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By mahanaaa_23 - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years proposed to me. Less than 3 hours later, he panicked and made me give the ring back. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML

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By marie519 - United States

Today, after having watched a scare story on the news about heart disease, my mom is now insisting that we have daily, hour-long, family yoga sessions together. I have a job, and barely have enough time to do my homework as it is. I'm going to be grounded if I don't take part. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 20:04

More proof the system is broken

Today, my younger sister, who lives at home and worked 1 day a week at the gym, got her unemployment card. I work at a hospital, on the frontlines, with COVID-19 patients. I don't get hazard pay. She now makes more than me in a week by sitting at home watching Netflix, while I risk my life every day to help people. FML

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By boiled ladybits - 25/6/2020 14:02

Call the waaaambulance!

Today, I was in the shower having a little fun with the detachable shower head. I didn’t know anyone else was home until I heard a toilet flush and scalding hot water flooded my cooch. I think I need to go to the ER, but I’m too embarrassed to ask for a ride there. I can’t walk or sit properly. FML

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By burning balls of fuck this - United States - Oakton

Today, I locked my keys in my truck. The good news is that I have a spare set in my house. The bad news is that my house key is on the same keyring as my locked-in truck key. FML

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By Ian - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

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Top comments

By hopelessefforts | 9

#5553907 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:47

That must be awkward in bed if you know what I mean

By hannahisthewin | 6

#5553910 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:48

Bitch

COMMENTS

By hopelessefforts | 9

#5553907 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:47

That must be awkward in bed if you know what I mean

thatkidhesh | 11

#5553980 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 23:32

glad you're getting therapy for it. can't continue going through life being afraid of pussies.

Damian95 | 16

#5554000 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 23:46

Come on meow it can't be that bad.

LowLifeLoser001 | 5

#6547724 - Monday 29 February 2016 1:52

Nice

By hannahisthewin | 6

#5553910 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:48

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Anumayis | 34

#5553923 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:52

yeah. bitch. no sympathy for her here.

perdix | 29

#5553924 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:52

#2, did you read the whole story? It's a fear of cats, not dogs.

timss4 | 19

#5554211 - Thursday 27 June 2013 1:43

Definitely was about to comment the same way

By perdix | 29

#5553911 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:48

At least she didn't call you a pussy. . . reeeeer! (Sorry, did that scare you?)

jipster | 11

#5554599 - Thursday 27 June 2013 7:52

Throw a show at her.

iloveCS8 | 11

#5554743 - Thursday 27 June 2013 9:35

#69 I bet your picture would scare the shit out of OP

By Chellybelly92 | 14

#5553915 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:49

It's kinda funny and at the same time very immature of her. Glad you're getting help though. It should get better.

By JFloUnknown | 24

#5553916 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:50

Meow that sounded like the purrfect time to mess with you to me.

By hessel | 13

#5553918 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:51

bark at her. if she is that a good actor, than she will run away

By cuppycakeslove | 20

#5553920 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:52

I don't blame you, cats are furry demons

Nordrag | 26

#5554125 - Thursday 27 June 2013 0:41

One does not simply speak ill of cats on the Internet.

But, for the record, I agree with you.

By kee_breezy32 | 34

#5553925 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:54

your girlfriends weird I'm assuming .

kee_breezy32 | 34

#5557541 - Saturday 29 June 2013 6:30

why do people disagree with me about her being weird?

Thatgirl299 | 15

#5898094 - Friday 28 March 2014 10:06

#79 *facepalms*

By Kat7595 | 10

#5553930 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:56

You should find out what she's afraid of.

By brebabee793 | 13

#5553933 - Wednesday 26 June 2013 22:57

maybe you need a new support system.