Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

by Tequila / 06/20/2011 at 12:12pm / Netherlands (Overijssel) / Health

Today, my back hurt really badly, so I decided to stay in bed. After a while, I sat up to shut the door. When I leaned over to reach it, I fell off my bed and face-planted the floor. After picking myself up and getting comfortable in my bed again, I realized the door was still open. FML

by no one / 06/19/2011 at 2:46pm / United States (Mississippi) / Health

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

by Username / 06/19/2011 at 5:51am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

by notastoner / 06/19/2011 at 2:38am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I woke up with a high fever and hallucinations. I called for my mother, who after checking me, swore that I was just hungover from a night of partying, called me a "f*cking hedonist", and refused to help. FML

by Anna / 06/18/2011 at 12:54pm / Estonia (Harjumaa) / Health

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

by princev / 06/18/2011 at 6:32am / United States / Health

Today, I was at the water park, when I slipped and fell to the ground in front of the no running sign. I was walking. FML

by NoRunning / 06/17/2011 at 3:15pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

by ekoblick / 06/17/2011 at 12:34am / United States / Health

Today, as I was smoking a cigarette I realized that it's time to quit. This realization came to me after a particularly violent coughing bout forced not tar out of my lungs, but rather poo out of my bum. FML

by Hopslammer / 06/16/2011 at 9:39pm / United States (Indiana) / Health

Today, I found out the medications my doctor gave me for depression are making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

by DarkMaskDiva / 06/15/2011 at 8:24pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was walking to class, when a kid came up behind me and smacked me in the face a few times until I fell to the ground. I rolled over and he said, "Oh shit! Wrong person, my bad." FML

by Braxam / 06/15/2011 at 12:42pm / United States / Health

Today, I had a sore throat, and I'd read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML

by Alec / 06/15/2011 at 5:02am / United States / Health

Today, a car hit me while I was in a crosswalk. The driver jumped out of her car and stepped over me to check her car for damage. FML

by Username / 06/15/2011 at 1:07am / United States (California) / Health