Today, I had a date with a girl. Wanting to make a good impression,... - FML

By zevil - 18/11/2008 16:54 - Peru

Today, I had a date with a girl. Wanting to make a good impression, I spend a lot of time getting ready and by the time I get to the place we were supposed to meet she isn't there anymore. I call her to see where she is. She's in bed with another guy and says "I was REALLY waiting for you". FML

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Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Live dumping

Abuse

By - 19/3/2019 08:00 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I've reached a level of tired I didn't think was possible. I've had less than 3 hours sleep in the last 72 hours and have not slept more than 20 minutes each stretch because my newborn is so unsettled. The baby has been peacefully sleeping for the last 3 hours and I can't sleep. FML

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By fuckwank - 20/9/2013 20:31 - United States - Red Oak

Today, I offered to help out at my grandpa's farm, and he had me load buckets of water into his trunk. When he came by and saw me struggling to lift a bucket, he sneered, called me a moron for filling it up before putting it in the truck, and told me to just go home. FML

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By LifeLikeLemons - 14/11/2016 23:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

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By Noname - 24/1/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, I got a letter from the Navy saying that they accepted my application to join the Navy. I never applied. FML

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By karma - 28/1/2009 18:36 - Canada

First!

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2015 00:19 - United States - Huntsville

Today, I'm at the unique point in my schooling that I'm either extremely overqualified or extremely underqualified for every job opportunity that appeals to me. FML

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By Lilo4life - 6/8/2015 15:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I discovered that I am just tall enough and my hair is just long enough, to get caught in the ceiling fan if I flip it over to dry it. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 19:07 - United States

Today, I was cold and alone at work, so I decided to try and warm myself up on the panini toaster. As I was holding the top side open and my other hand over the hot metal, I accidentally closed the door on my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2016 12:29 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my friend invited me to his boxing club for the first time. Since I'm somewhat short and scrawny-looking, he was worried that the workout would be too difficult for me. I waved him off and told him that I was tougher than I looked. Five minutes into class, I sprained my ankle. FML

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By Misky - 2/7/2012 02:51

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By future walmart employee - 21/5/2013 04:10 - United States - Clarendon Hills

Today, I had my first job as a wedding planner. I'd spent a year making sure everything was right. After the wedding my friend comforted me by saying, "You had to have known it wasn't going to be perfect." I knew that it wouldn't be perfect, but I had expected the groom to at least show up. FML

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By Hover Hand - 21/11/2012 02:37 - United States - Merchantville

Today, someone posted photos from a party I was at. On each photo I'm posing in with a girl, my hand is not touching her, but is hovering over her like some creepy weirdo loser. My Facebook nickname is now of course "Hover Hand." FML

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By MyChemicalRomantic - 31/3/2020 02:00

Not that handy

Today, I found out that I can never go to my local cinema again. Not just because of the current lockdown, no. The guy I gave an embarrassing, drunken hand job at a party to works there. FML

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By cockfist - 4/3/2014 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML

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By Fractured - 31/3/2012 01:43 - United States

Today, I fractured a bone in my knee. Now not only do I have to wear a huge knee brace for the next two months, I'll have to sit around in a hotel room all of next week while my family has fun skiing in the mountains. FML

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By 44haley44 - 12/7/2011 17:25 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2015 01:50 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, I thought my dad was finally showing interest in the business I started last year when he asked about my next event. Nope, he just wanted to know if I would hire his step-granddaughter. Her first question: "So, I won't have to do any like, real work right?" Gee, thanks Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I got diagnosed with stomach ulcers. They are very painful, and I have been throwing up blood. On my latest trip to the toilet, I was heaving and the pain was making me beat the floor with my fist, the toilet lid decided to come crashing down on my head, giving me a minor concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2009 11:08 - Iraq

Today, I was at work, finishing a presentation for my boss. Five minutes after I presented it to him, his boss walked in and asked for the same presentation I had just given. My boss presented it. His boss then turned to me and asked me "what use are you around here?" FML

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By Meg - 15/7/2011 22:24 - United States

Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML

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By yep, she does have a tumblr - 18/7/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML

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By Sweeney - 20/5/2009 17:54 - United States

Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my iTouch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML

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By holla1787 - 4/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By :) - 22/4/2010 17:37 - Greece

Today, I was getting my portrait done. The artist told me to smile. He looked at me, then said, "Oh, don't smile." FML

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By Fooled Wife - 14/9/2018 14:30

Today, my husband was arrested on 2 felony charges in a sting. We've been married 5.5 years, had almost enough money for a down payment on a house, were trying to get pregnant, and had a non-refundable trip to London planned. We are now broke and on the verge of divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 11:45 - Australia

Today, my brother flicked a huge bug onto my foot, making me freak out and fall into my outdoors pool. The water was so cold that I started hyperventilating. My brother left to "get help". I finally managed to get out, and found him watching TV. FML

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By social anxiety my a** - 18/3/2013 14:17 - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, after three years with my boyfriend hardly ever going to any social or public event with me due to his social anxiety, I got to witness him improve his flirting skills on every girl available at his house party. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 03:00

Today, my boyfriend's 16-year-old daughter got a job. I'm 29, with a Master's degree and I'm still unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2012 11:44 - Australia

Bored

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

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By apenglishstudent - 31/3/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I overheard a conversation two of my friends were having about Homer, so I interjected with a quip about a Simpson's episode I had seen before. They were talking about the poet. I'm an AP literature student. FML

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By OverIt - 25/2/2014 22:24 - United States - Winchester

Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2018 23:00 - United States - Perrysburg

Today, I got random constipation followed by diarrhea. It's 1:30am and my sleeping medication is making me fall asleep, but every time I try to get off the toilet I get another diarrhea spasm. Either I fall asleep on the toilet or shit myself in my sleep. FML

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By IB6UB9 - 28/11/2009 17:32 - United States

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2018 08:00 - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By Sting - 26/4/2016 20:49 - United States - Manassas

Today, there was a gigantic wasp in my room. It stupidly flew upwards and got hit by the rotating fan. It then immediately decided to take it's revenge by stinging me. FML

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By littlepeepboo - 30/1/2018 01:30

You want a piece of me?

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 04:02

Pennies From Heaven

Today, I bought some shoes, but pissed off the lady working at the store by returning them 5 minutes later. She yelled at me and ripped my receipt in half, everyone in the store watched as she threw a handful of pennies at my face. FML

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By Bito - 21/12/2008 07:00 - France

Today, I played a table tennis final in public. After winning, I went to shake my opponent's hand. He doesn't react or move. It was only the first set. FML

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By this_is_fucked - 24/10/2009 21:23 - Zimbabwe

Today, I realized that I'm the only person in my house not getting any. My sister is sleeping with my ex. My roommate is sleeping with my brother. And my mom texted me asking me to make it look like she slept in her bed so that she didn't have to do the "walk of shame" in the morning. FML

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Top comments

By rachelroller | 0

#6974 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 8:06

wow what a wh*re! aren't you glad you didn't go out with THAT? who knows what you would've caught..

By jim_witness | 0

#24871 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 21:31

Your sin in vanity. Her sin is lust. You would've had such beautiful children *sniff*

COMMENTS

By rachelroller | 0

#6974 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 8:06

wow what a wh*re! aren't you glad you didn't go out with THAT? who knows what you would've caught..

Reply

Astroman129 | 7

#1462742 - Monday 27 September 2010 3:18

Yeah. Not an FML. Be happy you don't have Chlamydia.

By bandito0007 | 0

#10830 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:50

you're a faggot

By stoylz | 0

#13210 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:23

feel your pain bro

By tsunami2_us | 0

#16804 - Thursday 5 March 2009 22:24

You're better off. She's a whore

By jim_witness | 0

#24871 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 21:31

Your sin in vanity. Her sin is lust. You would've had such beautiful children *sniff*

By gohan10 | 0

#42353 - Thursday 19 March 2009 8:26

ya shes prly have STD;s and hiv stuff lik that

Reply

iluvmybf211 | 0

#3729283 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 5:30

Ya shes prly has STD;s?

By jsmith1199 | 0

#46966 - Saturday 21 March 2009 6:07

gotta be careful of those whores

By theoldGP | 0

#49370 - Sunday 22 March 2009 5:29

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By intensify | 0

#60258 - Thursday 26 March 2009 19:45

I feel bad for you because that's a shitty situation, but at the same time at least you found out early that she's a whore-bag. SEriously that is f-ed up nobody deserves to be treated like that.

By will90 | 5

#76124 - Thursday 2 April 2009 3:10

All these guys crying STD STD are just lonely, and sad they never get any. You'd rather one of those insane religious chicks that wants to "wait til marriage"? Didn't think so.

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#1029622 - Sunday 13 June 2010 19:43

but he prly doest want a whore who bang so many ppl that she has a fuckin pimp

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#1029624 - Sunday 13 June 2010 19:45

that last comment was for number 11
ps I'm agnostic and I am waiting till marriage and I'm a dude goin thru puberty so I'm horny as fuck and I do have a gf.
11 ur being like that Hitler fucker. anti religious bastard.

Reply

lucky__star | 0

#1190129 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:20

Hitler was a Christian. I don't agree with what he did or anything but Just sayin'.

Reply

berrychii17 | 5

#2200233 - Friday 18 March 2011 18:30

fuk u I'm 1 of those ppl who r gona wait til marriage. and my bf completely understands.

Reply

PoeSlayer | 0

#2892813 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:35

there's nothing wring with waiting till marriage. thats what my girlfriend and I are doing and we're both virgins. I'd much prefer that to a girl that has slept with so many guys sex means nothing to her anymore

Reply

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2983450 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 4:30

what's wrong with waiting? jerk

Reply

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#5746769 - Friday 8 November 2013 15:56

Nothing wrong with waiting so long as you find someone willing to wait too; and by the looks of it^^^^ I guess it's more often than I thought