Love: Today, I had a date with a girl. Wanting to make a good impression,... - FML

By zevil - Peru

Today, I had a date with a girl. Wanting to make a good impression, I spend a lot of time getting ready and by the time I get to the place we were supposed to meet she isn't there anymore. I call her to see where she is. She's in bed with another guy and says "I was REALLY waiting for you". FML

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Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Race against the clock

This is fine

By PaintedBum

Today, I was painting the bathroom door post. A drop of paint fell on the toilet roll. Guess how I found out. FML

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By confusedbutloved - United States - North Easton

Today, my boyfriend of seven months and I were looking at some pictures on his iPad. I saw a picture of a kid of about two years old that looked a little like him. I jokingly said, "What, is that your son?" Imagine my surprise when he said that it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a customer spilled her drink all over the counter. After I cleaned up her spill and remade the drink (for free), she exclaimed "Thanks! I should really tip you!" Then she turned around, walked directly past the tip jar, and left the store. FML

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By JPPUDLY - United States - Los Gatos

Today, I had to create a perfect society in English class; the best society has their grade go up a full letter. After tons of preparation and thinking, I lost to an island made only of cheese. FML

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By LadyJ - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

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By ikickgingers - United States

Today, I found out my boss and some employees on my floor have bets placed on who can get the best picture of my ass. I found out when one of the pictures was accidentally sent to me. FML

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By BlueMouth - United States

Today, we had company over, and after dinner, I saw a package of gumballs sitting on the table. Figuring my brother had brought them, I took one and bit it. I got a bunch of weird looks. Turns out wasn't a gumball - it was a mini paintball. FML

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By sillymink - United States

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of my grandfather's funeral and my cousin started cracking up. It caused a chain reaction of laughter throughout all of the other cousins and my siblings. Now my aunts won't speak to any of us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

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By petmosch

Today, I came up with the idea of pranking my girlfriend by telling her that I knew she was cheating on me. She then apologized. FML

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By Jyocka - Canada

Today, on a first date, I finished eating my sushi, feeling proud to have managed chopsticks so elegantly and then rubbed my eye, oblivious to the fact I had just touched some wasabi. What followed was a classy exhibition on how to jump around screeching in pain. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Cork

Today, I was on a rowing machine at the gym, listening to a podcast. Something funny was said, I laughed, lost my balance and fell off, with my feet still stuck in the footrests. Someone had to come and help me off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Monica

She used me

Today, I discovered my friend will be upstaging my birthday by hosting another birthday party shortly afterwards. Not for her of course, but in honor of her favorite actor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Newton

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

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By Girafarig - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

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By snappyPi

Today, I wrote a poem and was very proud of it. I showed it to my mom. After reading it, her response was, "What is this shit?" FML

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By Bug8Frog - United States - Anchorage

Today, I bought a device that plays a high-pitched sound to teach my dog to quit barking. She's smart enough to learn that as long as she barks loud enough and long enough, she can't hear it. Quite the opposite effect to what I was anticipating. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brunswick

Today, I ran into a new guy at work who told me the regional manager was visiting today to evaluate the staff. I scoffed and said that everything I'd heard about the manager made him seem like a total prick. His reply? "Maybe, but I'm a prick who can FIRE people." FML

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By anonomys - Canada

Today, my husband compared me to his parents' dog. Why? Because when I sleep, I fart and scare myself awake. Just like his parents' dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

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By JavitheWrestler - United States - Stockton

Today, I got a new phone. Only after berating the Sprint employee and Apple support desk because I could not call, text, or access the Internet did I find out that I didn't need to buy a new phone. It was just on airplane mode. FML

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By storksleuth - United States

Today, I saw a girl wearing a Nirvana shirt. Since Nirvana has been my favorite band for a long time, I tried striking up a conversation with her. Turns out she doesn't even listen to them, and only bought the shirt because she "liked the smiley face." FML

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By outagrand - Australia

Today, I gave my mother a pre-prepared deposit envelope with my fortnightly wage in it, in cash. I tell her exactly where the deposit box is and what to do. I'm now desperately calling the bank because my mother accidentely put my $1200 deposit in the little trash can for receipts under the ATM. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Herenthout

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

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By pinks - United States

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

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By kat, ACT - United States

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

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By Terrible Boss - United States

Stability

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

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By Not turnt - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

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By Taylor - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML

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By Liz

Today, I woke up, and I could see perfectly. Somehow, during the night, my eyes magically became 20/20. I was overjoyed, until I realized I'd fallen asleep with my glasses on. My eyes are still trash, and I want to cry. FML

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By thegrandchawhee - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

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By shittysituation - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By Sigh - United Kingdom - Waltham Abbey

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

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By rb - United States

Today, I washed my hands and reached for the towel but felt something sticky. It was a house centipede. It exploded. FML

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By trappedinmyownhome

Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML

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By bee - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

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By lifelike - United States - Oroville

Today, after weeks of wondering if my cat has a fetish for licking my bed covers, I finally witnessed him licking up an ant off of the covers. Turns out that my bed is infested with ants. FML

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By Alyssa - 27/4/2020 23:00 - United Kingdom

Fashion blogger

Today, I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline and saw a picture of my friend in a ridiculous wig. I left a comment telling her how stupid the wig looked, but how great it was to have a friend with a sense of humour. She replied, telling me it wasn't a wig, it was her new hairstyle. FML

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By limegreenpoopie - United States - Valrico

Today, my boyfriend's obsession with card tricks reached a new low. He barged into the bathroom while I was taking a crap and asked me to pick a card. FML

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Top comments

By rachelroller | 0

#6974 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 8:06

wow what a wh*re! aren't you glad you didn't go out with THAT? who knows what you would've caught..

By jim_witness | 0

#24871 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 21:31

Your sin in vanity. Her sin is lust. You would've had such beautiful children *sniff*

COMMENTS

By rachelroller | 0

#6974 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 8:06

wow what a wh*re! aren't you glad you didn't go out with THAT? who knows what you would've caught..

Reply

Astroman129 | 7

#1462742 - Monday 27 September 2010 3:18

Yeah. Not an FML. Be happy you don't have Chlamydia.

By bandito0007 | 0

#10830 - Monday 2 March 2009 9:50

you're a faggot

By stoylz | 0

#13210 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:23

feel your pain bro

By tsunami2_us | 0

#16804 - Thursday 5 March 2009 22:24

You're better off. She's a whore

By jim_witness | 0

#24871 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 21:31

Your sin in vanity. Her sin is lust. You would've had such beautiful children *sniff*

By gohan10 | 0

#42353 - Thursday 19 March 2009 8:26

ya shes prly have STD;s and hiv stuff lik that

Reply

iluvmybf211 | 0

#3729283 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 5:30

Ya shes prly has STD;s?

By jsmith1199 | 0

#46966 - Saturday 21 March 2009 6:07

gotta be careful of those whores

By theoldGP | 0

#49370 - Sunday 22 March 2009 5:29

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By intensify | 0

#60258 - Thursday 26 March 2009 19:45

I feel bad for you because that's a shitty situation, but at the same time at least you found out early that she's a whore-bag. SEriously that is f-ed up nobody deserves to be treated like that.

By will90 | 5

#76124 - Thursday 2 April 2009 3:10

All these guys crying STD STD are just lonely, and sad they never get any. You'd rather one of those insane religious chicks that wants to "wait til marriage"? Didn't think so.

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#1029622 - Sunday 13 June 2010 19:43

but he prly doest want a whore who bang so many ppl that she has a fuckin pimp

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#1029624 - Sunday 13 June 2010 19:45

that last comment was for number 11
ps I'm agnostic and I am waiting till marriage and I'm a dude goin thru puberty so I'm horny as fuck and I do have a gf.
11 ur being like that Hitler fucker. anti religious bastard.

Reply

lucky__star | 0

#1190129 - Thursday 5 August 2010 0:20

Hitler was a Christian. I don't agree with what he did or anything but Just sayin'.

Reply

berrychii17 | 5

#2200233 - Friday 18 March 2011 18:30

fuk u I'm 1 of those ppl who r gona wait til marriage. and my bf completely understands.

Reply

PoeSlayer | 0

#2892813 - Friday 15 July 2011 1:35

there's nothing wring with waiting till marriage. thats what my girlfriend and I are doing and we're both virgins. I'd much prefer that to a girl that has slept with so many guys sex means nothing to her anymore

Reply

ArielTheMermaid | 17

#2983450 - Wednesday 27 July 2011 4:30

what's wrong with waiting? jerk

Reply

xxrogerthatxx | 19

#5746769 - Friday 8 November 2013 15:56

Nothing wrong with waiting so long as you find someone willing to wait too; and by the looks of it^^^^ I guess it's more often than I thought