Twerking hard or hardly twerking?
Today, I managed to pull a muscle at work. In my ass. While standing still. I still don't know how. FML
Today, I managed to pull a muscle at work. In my ass. While standing still. I still don't know how. FML
SailorSolaris tells us more.
Today, the week-long debate in my Senior Composition class reached a new height. A student brought in a special map and a globe to "prove" that the Earth is flat. FML
EarthsMightiestHeroes tells us more.
Hi guys! OP here, I had an account before but got locked out of it, and now I just created a new one. Basically, it was him and half the class versus the other half, and since his half was full of loud athletic kids, he "won" the argument (meaning my Comp teacher was sick of our shit). He busted out the globe to show us flight paths, which was his main (and the more I think about it... his only) argument for Flat Earth. The debate has died down, thank God, but I fear the day someone manages to set him off again and he starts screaming about "the government lying to us about the shape of the planet!!".
Today, I arrived at work unusually happy after having shared a wonderful date and first kiss last night with the colleague I've been in love with for months. Today is also the day she received an offer for the job of her dreams across the country. FML
Lucius0121 tells us more.
Hi, OP here, with an update. She took the job obviously, she will be gone by the end of octobre. I won't be following, our relationship is much, much too young for that kind of move, even though I do love her... The silver lining is that we decided to enjoy it until then, I try not to think about "then" too much...
Today, I was fired from my job because a recruiter advised me to lie on my application. I wasn't stupid enough to actually lie, but management didn't care and fired us both. FML
itsawash tells us more.
itsawash 7
Hey, guys. OP here. The situation is actually a bit more complicated than I made it out to be initially, but the FML is pretty much the gist. I can't go into too many details but here's what basically happened. I had actually asked for resume advice by someone who already worked at the company I was applying to. Let's call this person Mat. This person gave actual solid advice right up until he told me to make up work experience. I didn't do that, obviously, but I listed all prior relevant work experience, which included a company that had since gone out of business. Everything was fine until about a couple of weeks later when I was fired over the weekend. I later found out that Mat had also been fired. It was implied that I wasn't the only employee implicated in his shenanigans. I tried going to HR to clear my name, but everyone just wanted the whole debacle over and done with. I'm also pretty sure my life would've been very difficult had I decided to pursue legal action. I just happened to get caught up in company politics, that's all. Not much I can do about it now.
Today, I told my dad I had depression. He responded with, "Why do all gay people have depression?" I'm not gay. FML
GumStickExtraGmail tells us more.
Today, I started my new job as a UPS delivery guy. I successfully delivered only 3 out of the 25 packages: One to my ex and his new boyfriend, one to an elderly lady who pissed herself because I "rang the bell too loud" and one to a little girl who screamed, "Stranger danger!" FML
patate_fml tells us more.
For everyone wondering, I work in a tiny ass town in France where we don't have much delivery to make compare to others and I had the smallest car of the fleet that day I had 3 rounds of 25-30 medium packages to deliver all of them with a mandatory signature. Nobody was home even though I was in time for each and everyone of them. Only this first round was Horrible the rest of the day (and the week) went more smoothly
Today, the city finally turned the water on to my new home after waiting for 2 months. This is how I found out that someone had stolen the copper water pipes from under my house. FML
Chelsea Schattner tells us more.
My first published fml! Hey everyone a little back story. The copper pipes where in the crawl space under the house. Easily accessible to everyone. The house sat empty for 9 years and was built in the 1940's with very little updates. I am remodeling it and thankfully there is home owners insurance on it. I am still out a chunk of money but not as much. The water was only on for a few minutes. The city turned it on and I opened the sink valve to no water. I could hear it but had no water. I crawled under the house and found the main cut off flush to the ground and all the copper gone. We turned off the water and called the cops and insurance. Damage total: $3,500.00
Today, after years of pain and swelling in my foot from what I thought was chronic ankle sprains, I found out I have a broken bone in my foot. I have no clue how long it's been broken. FML
indienerdgirl tells us more.
Hey all OP here. I'm surprised this got published. But yes I did go to doctors and I got Xrays. Long story short is after the first sprain it became a problem during the winter months. My husband jokes that I like to kiss the sidewalk. I went to 2 doctors who just thought they were sprains and took xrays and saw nothing. One sent me to doctor #3 who thought my tendons were over stretched and sent me to a surgeon to see if I was able to have tendon tighting surgery. The surgeon, who was a royal ass, sent me to physical therapy only for me to come out in more pain. Saw 3rd doctor again and he sent me to another surgeon as he still thought I needed surgery and that physical therapy was a waste of time. I had Xrays at almost every appointment mind you. The 2nd surgeon not only did Xrays but did an MRI too and found 2 small breaks in one of the smallest bones in my foot. The best we can figure is that even after each sprain healed the next sprain rebroke the bone which is why I had constant pain. So now I'm in a cast and stay off of it as much as possible like before. Also to make this story even more difficult my son was born last July and I have a bunch of other chronic illnesses I had been dealing with that at one point I had to put a hold on getting my foot fixed. But thankfully it's getting better now that I know what happen lol
Today, after working out at the gym, I accidentally left my towel in my locker. Since it was early, I didn't mind walking to the showers naked. After showering, I couldn't get my lock to open, leaving me stuck trying to open the locker totally naked, as the locker room filled up. FML
sadCowboysfan tells us more.
Hi op here, just to let you know how it worked out, it took me about half an hour to open it up after the lock got stuck. For the most part, nobody bothered me except for a few guys who made a point of talking about me being circumcised (unusual in Canada). Eventually, a friend of mine let me borrow some shorts so I could get someone to cut my lock off. I went and bought a key lock right after.
Today, my family thought it would be fun to replace my iPad with a better one while I slept. I had a project on there that I had been working on since the first day of school. They already wiped the old one. FML
Renna303 tells us more.
Hey, op here. So all of you are saying that I should back up my iPads. I do back it up. It automatically backs up every 3 weeks. But when I posted this, school had been in session for 2 weeks. It backed up right before school started. I was able to get most of my other stuff back but just not the project.
Today, my husband and I left for a two-month trip. Our roommate called us after 16 hours of driving to inform us that our dog was attacked and sprayed by a skunk and had rubbed all over our stuff. He now has to get shots and be tested for rabies, and we have to toss all our furniture. FML
CreeptacularBait tells us more.
OP here. A bit appalled at how many people are berating me about his shots! My dog DOES have his rabies shots. He had to have boosters as per the Animal Control Officer who came out. Second, the 'testing' is actually officers coming out and checking my dogs behavior after a week (I was not informed of that till later and was terrified they might kill my dog). The skunk attacked him, chased him around the yard, sprayed him, and continued to try and attack him and our roommate for a week after the intial incident. Our roommate would go to take out the trash or walk the dogs and the skunk would charge her and the dogs. We put out traps to try and catch it humanely and had no luck. This skunk terrorized my poor dog to the point he started having night terrors and actually pissed himself in his sleepyelping and crying in fear. Luckily he is doing fine otherwise and even though he did not enjoy his boosters, he was fully covered by his Rabies vaccine. Our roommate has made sure to give him lots of cuddles and love to help soothe him. My husband was so angry about it he violently kicked in his sleep and said he dreamed about the skunk attacking our dog and was trying to protect him. Being away when this happened has sucked and our roommate was also kind enough to get our furniture cleaned so we wouldn't have to throw it all away but we did have to get rid of it in the end. I hope that clears up some of it but try not to jump to conclusions!
Today, multiple people pushed me out of the way to get a seat on the metro. I'm five months pregnant. FML
skippydoda tells us more.
skippydoda 32
Hey OP here. 1. I have a visible belly. I definitely look pregnant. 2. This wasn't a simple push pass me to get on first. This was a full shove into the side of the train tummy first. I don't care how tired you are, it's never okay to push someone that hard to get a seat first. 3. I'm fine, baby's fine.
Today, my neighbor that's going through a midlife crisis showed off his brand new Corvette. He did donuts on my lawn. FML
crawforda350 tells us more.
Today, I got to go to the water park with my class. I jumped over the rails that maintain lines because there was nobody around and managed to break a toe. Hello, 7+ hours of roasting in the sun, watching 500 other kids have a great time. FML
zerotiki tells us more.
zerotiki 5
Wow-my 1st submission got posted! This was my classes senior year trip, and my mother was chaperoning... We didn't know the toe was broken until I got home, but the day was less exciting than I hoped it would be.
Today, at the office, I was walking towards a blind man who works in another department. When I realized our paths would collide, I called out that I was on his right because we'd received an email from HR that said this would help him. I was actually on his left. FML
Stevie Laurel tells us more.
OP here! Luckily the guy has a great sense of humor and just laughed it off saying "It's really early in the morning, I get it." He didn't seem upset at all.
Today, after weeks of getting 4 auto-emails per day begging me to review my university's roommate matching service, I finally got one with a reply address. I sent an irate note and then realized I'd emailed the housing director. My housing contract is still pending. FML
thebobert67 tells us more.
Today, I got home from visiting family for 4 days. Before leaving, I had cleaned my whole apartment and done all of my laundry, except the clothes I worked in the day I left. By the time I got back, ants had set up a colony in said clothes and my laundry hamper. I even found some in my bed. FML
holly_fly tells us more.
holly_fly 34
This is pretty good. XD I was actually visiting mom, dad, and bros for the first time after moving away. It was not pleasANT at all, but thankfully I can laugh about it now. ?
Today, I accidentally put my passport through the washing machine. It is completely ruined, and I have had it less than 3 months. FML
supertacowaffle tells us more.
Hi, this is my FML. Basically after a 32 hour trip back from Australia (layovers, waiting round etc) the second I got home I put my jacket in the wash and it had the passport in the pocket. Complete my fault, just thought it would make a funny FML.
Today, I found out that my husband of 11 years shared nude pictures of me with random people online, to 'show me off' and to masturbate to the pictures he received in return. FML
Froggie89 tells us more.
Hi everyone, OP here. I'm really struggling to put everything into perspective, so many thanks for all of your input! I'd like to clarify that he took the pictures at his own initiative at occasions where I was (getting) undressed. I didn't really give permission, just playfully raised a fist and let him. After all, we've been together for 11 years since highschool, I would've trusted him with my life. Learned that the hard way. He did blur my face, but that makes little difference because he would tell the people it was his wife and his full name was visible on his profile (he wasn't aware of that fact until I pointed it out). Divorce is our only option at this point, I don't trust him anymore, especially since there also have been other lies. I decided not to press charges as I would like to divorce on friendly terms.
Today, I snuck up behind my cousin and stole his drink. I took a sip, laughed and said, "haha, I got your drink!" He turned around with a giant, oozing cold sore on his lip and said, "haha, you got mouth herpes!" FML
nightfall8705 tells us more.
Today, my mother-in-law and I were having a lovely chat about my partner, until she asked me if he was good in bed and started saying things like "I've seen it, great length. I'm jealous." FML
Scoobz tells us more.
Scoobz 2
OP here!! Can't believe that this actually got posted! My mother-in-law and I have a unique, open relationship... Quite traumatic at times though. We're like good friends, that sometimes take it too far. Thank you all for your comments!!
Today, I was sent to the ER from work after sharp stomach pains made me double over in pain and nearly faint. They were so severe the Ketamine only took the edge off. After several expensive tests I found out that I will experience these every month for the rest of my life. FML
Brightbulb tells us more.
ummm WOW hi, OP here, that gender indicator is messed up (good one FML staff, still need some work there) I am infact 100% FEMALE. Now that we have my gender clarified, thank you for the knowledge that removal is an option, as I have been told that it was not being as young as I am. It was a severe cyst in my ovary and I was told to essentially "get used to it" because it's going to happen every month until Menopause comes.for me, at which point I can get a hysterectomy. Knowing that it may be an option now I am going to approach my Dr about that. I did not know ketamine was supposed to make me not feel anything, because it did not work that way. When I went to the Urgent Care they rushed me to the ER, who then started looking for infections or appendicitis, but alas it was deemed "severe cramps" and "female issues" by several techs, before I even got the PCOS answer.
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend who is a VERY loud moaner. He kept saying my name over and over again then all of a sudden his mom comes in and says "yes hun...oh God sorry"...that's how I found out I have the same name as my boyfriend's mom. FML
OhGreat. tells us more.
OhGreat. 9
Hey OP here! No he doesn't live with with his mom. No I didn't know his mom's name. He lives alone so no we didn't lock the doors. His mom lives in Florida with his step dad she was coming up to visit and to meet me she was a week early! He never called her by her first name it's always "my mom". But I guess when she's around he calls her by her first name all the time but with me he calls her mom. I hope to God that during us having sex he wasn't thinking of her....thats weird.
Today, while manscaping in the shower, I found out that things can still get caught in the clippers, even with a guard on. FML
egnur_mas tells us more.
egnur_mas 19
Bridger you're on the right track mate, I'll have to take a little more care from now on. Considering the circumstances I'm still pretty stoked to have my first submitted FML published!
Today, after living in Korea for 6 months due to my husband's military career, doctors finally found out why I've been sick since I've been here. I'm allergic to the air. The air quality is so bad here that it is making me sick. Only 2 more years to go before we get moved again. FML
crystalxuk tells us more.
After years of being on FML, I finally get featured! It started about 2 weeks after we got here and I basically have hives, am very itchy, and have severe allergies. All this has made me very depressed for months I just stay at home with the windows closed and the air cleaner on because it gets worse whenever I go outside. So the Army is letting us apply for "compassionate reassignment" which lets us move to our next army base earlier than we are supposed to. Hopefully it gets approved!
Today, I was having a chat with a fellow veteran I bumped into at a car show. He ended the conversation by turning to my dad and saying, "you're lucky to catch a young honey like this." Then went on to ask if we'd tried anal yet. FML
C8H18 tells us more.
C8H18 33
OP here. My dad walked off acting like he hadn't heard anything as I yelled, "That's my FATHER!"
Today, I went on a Tinder date with a hot British guy. He spent 90% of the date talking about his ex, but I invited him back to my place anyway. He came after 20 minutes of foreplay then left without even offering to get me off. FML
milksquad tells us more.
OP here! This is my second FML to get published this week, either I'm on a roll or my life is just really shitty lol. I was pretty bitter when I posted this but in hindsight, yeah, it was a pretty stupid decision. Looks (and a cute accent) aren't everything I suppose! I guess I was more surprised that he left so abruptly. Like, he came and then put on his clothes and walked out with barely a goodbye. I've had meaningless Tinder hookups in the past and they were always at least nice about it. I guess those were just flukes. Definitely learned my lesson!
Today, I learned that there's a colony of bats living inside my walls. The devices to prevent them from reentering are angering those remaining inside, and now I can hear them scuttling and screeching in almost every wall and ceiling in my house. FML
Otterbot tells us more.
OP here, didn't have an account so I made one to comment! The devices that were installed are like one-way doors, so the bats can leave but not get back in. This meant the ones still in the walls got distressed when the ones outside didn't return. They're classed as "wildlife" meaning they can't be exterminated, so this is one of the easiest, non-lethal solutions to getting them out. It's been about a week, and the wall-scuttling has calmed down as they filter out, but it was like living in a haunted house the first few nights. Plus, over the course of the week 7 bats got to the interior of the house through vents (yeesh.) We caught those safely and returned them outside, but waking up in the middle of the night to a bat in your bedroom is not an alarm I'd recommend.
Today, I ordered a vacuum cleaner on Amazon for same-day delivery. When it arrived in the evening I learned the value of reading the description rather than just looking at pictures because it turned out to be a toy vacuum, for a suggested age of two. FML
Nina tells us more.
Nina 34
Hi-ya folks! First let me just say, I'm super stoked because this is the first FML I've ever had published! Second, the back story is this: when I ordered the vacuum, I had just woken up from a dream I had while on sleeping pills so I was preeeetty drowsy. The dream involved vacuuming which is what inspired the shopping spree to begin with. Since I was so drowsy I was skimming over all the product descriptions and only looking at the pictures and prices and let me tell you: by looking at the photo there is no way to tell it's a toy. It's got a brand and model name on it (Bosch Ergomaxx Professional) and cost 40 euros. I thought I was just getting a good deal. Needless to say, kids toys have come a long way in recent years. It's even functional! Just not quite practical for an adult...
Today, due to religious restrictions, I'm not allowed to have medicine for my cold. The only thing my family will let me have is milk tea. I'm lactose intolerant. FML
Beackers675 tells us more.
Beackers675 13
Hey everyone, OP here! So uhm..just for the record I'm not a minor, no CPS needed. As for their religion, I personally do not follow it, but out of love and respect for my parents I let them take care of me, (I'd been away from home for a long time and got sick upon my return) it was a nasty cold, and I was miserable, but I'm fine now. My family doesn't believe in unnecessary medications if the body can fight it off, however in extreme cases they will accept modern medicine. And yes, we're all vascinated so calm your butt cheeks. As for their religious beliefs, that is who they are. Thanks for the support, but no need to worry.
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