By NNTA - Netherlands - Maastricht

WTF, dude?

Today, as I was driving back home from my grandma's, I looked over at the guy in the lane beside me, only to witness him with a sandwich between his teeth and his cock in his free hand. Now I know why I don't leave the city, or even drive, more often. FML

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Mother of the year

Supply and demand

Grammar police alert

By Emily - 28/12/2020 17:01

Gun control

Today, only a few hours after getting certified and buying my first pistol, I dropped it and blew off two of my toes. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Townsville

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 14:00

What about me?

Today, my younger brother got in engaged. When we had a conversation about the wedding, he asked why the hell would I be involved with any of it! He used to be my best friend. I don’t know what happened. FML

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By Gus - Canada - Richmond

Today, my girlfriend confronted me for forgetting to take the trash out. At some point during the argument, I tried to calm her down, and the words "I should of" escaped my lips. She spent the next ten minutes calling me stupid and laughing at how my grammar goes to hell when I'm distressed. FML

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By picklet - Malaysia - Kajang

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

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By Brunofk7 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

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By cmendez - United States

Today, my mother who is 75 years old just told me and my sister that we are adopted. I'm 45 years old and my sister is 49. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

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By sigh - Australia - Rockdale

Today, my husband is sulking because he "can't" have sex with me. I've tried initiating things multiple times, but he keeps saying no, because I'm pregnant and he says it'd be exactly the same as having sex with his own kid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I took my driving test. As I was about to turn at a green light, a car sped toward us from the other direction, running a red light. My instructor failed me because I stopped to avoid getting rammed. Apparently I should have kept going, because it was my right of way. FML

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By Anonymous

Liar !

Today, I lied and told my friends I was a compulsive liar. Well, I think I lied. FML

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By fucking financial ruin - United States - New Bern

Today, my boyfriend and I were discussing sports injuries, and I mentioned that I pulled a muscle in my crotch last year. He snorted and called me a clueless idiot because according to him, "girls don't have crotches". He's a med student. I sense malpractice lawsuits in our future. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML

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By lakatkat - United States

Today, I found out on facebook that my supposed best friend bought a concert ticket to a show. The concert ticket was the exact same amount as the plane ticket she told me she couldn't afford to come see me. FML

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By Miss_Kristen - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I've become so accustomed to finding my sister drunk or otherwise passed out in the same spot in the living room that every time I go in there, I instinctively lift my feet higher as though to step over her, even when she's not there. FML

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By Talented73 - 7/7/2021 16:01 - United States - Yonkers

Alexa, play "Hot Hot Hot" by The Cure

Today, we're in the middle of a heatwave. When I woke up this morning, I noticed that my scrotum was stuck to the side of my leg from all the perspiration. I had to actually peel it off. FML

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By Ryuga - United States

Today, I decided to confess my feelings to the girl I've had a crush on since the beginning of high school. We agreed to meet at Starbucks, but she was bringing a friend. I didn't care, because I just wanted to tell her how I felt. When I got there, I saw her making out with another girl. FML

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By Homeless? - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML

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By Stairway2Heaven - Canada

Judgmental much!?

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of nowhere and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says, "I always knew you were a whore." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

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By mrdave - Canada

Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML

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By CassafrasSss - United States - Naperville

Today, after months of hard work, planning, and preparation, I held the reception for my first art show at a gallery. Nobody showed up. FML

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By piliseep

Booze confused

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during dinner, my family had a discussion about the color of poop. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

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By anon

Today, a guy grabbed my ass at the mall. I whirled around and went to sock him. He ducked and I accidentally hit the elderly woman standing behind him in the face. To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement. FML

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By ShameMonkey - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML

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By Claire.L

Catch 22

Today, I gave my boss a two-month notice. He threatened me by saying he wouldn't provide a reference if I quit in July instead of August. I need the reference to pursue my dream to work in the USA as a nanny. I have no other choice, I either work under their pressure or start all over. FML.

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By Whoops - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a haircut. The lady accusingly told me she'd have to thoroughly wash my hair before she started, as it was way too greasy to cut through. FML

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By Ah hell - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

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By LaughingFML - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my best friend jokingly blocked my number until I apply for a job. She is also supposed to be picking me up from the airport, so now I have no way to contact her to tell her what time. FML

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By

Teenage narcs

Today, my mom called to tell me that I needed to clean the side of her couch. Why? Because someone picked their nose and wiped snot all on the side of it. She thinks it was me because I sat there last. It wasn't me. I don't even live there, but I have 2 teenage siblings that blame everything on me. FML

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By jcesom - United States

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

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By TheAngryBird - Canada - Grimsby

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a graduation gift: a new boyfriend. FML

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By flaggurl - United States

Today, I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, "If you can't learn to use the bathroom correctly then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!!" Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse - she thought I was scolding my son. FML

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By lrn2spel, teach - United States - Mogadore

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

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By shotdown - United States - San Francisco

Today, after being sick all day with the flu, I asked my husband to wash the dishes after I went to bed. He said he couldn't because he had a large, important project for work that needed to get done. I woke up a couple of hours later to find him smoking weed on the couch and watching cartoons. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML

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Top comments

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#5806096 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:29

Maybe he wanted a cockmeat sandwich and this was the next best thing.

By flashback.miss | 28

#5806095 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:29

hopefully he didn't catch you staring and it wasn't too long a traffic stop.

COMMENTS

By flashback.miss | 28

#5806095 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:29

hopefully he didn't catch you staring and it wasn't too long a traffic stop.

Reply

dotalover | 15

#5806127 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:45

nice eyes

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5806130 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:46

That's be awkward... It's already awkward enough when you catch someone picking their nose while driving

Reply

radwanov | 14

#5806190 - Friday 27 December 2013 4:09

its okay, he just needed some extra salty mayo :) .. now i'm hungry

Reply

Odis12 | 11

#5806250 - Friday 27 December 2013 5:09

Well, he must've been gifted, because I don't understand how in the hell you'd see that unless you were right in his window.

Reply

Gestpacho88 | 12

#5806337 - Friday 27 December 2013 7:30

*looks over* "you gotta perdy mouth...." *drives off*

By Redoxx_fml | 22

#5806096 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:29

Maybe he wanted a cockmeat sandwich and this was the next best thing.

Reply

chany25 | 7

#5806187 - Friday 27 December 2013 4:07

give him a wave! then he either has to stop his wank or lose control of the car

Reply

radwanov | 14

#5806192 - Friday 27 December 2013 4:11

or gaze back as he unloads :P

Reply

adamo_erebus | 25

#5806248 - Friday 27 December 2013 5:09

I was waiting for this comment. XD

By ob81 | 8

#5806097 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:29

You should have been paying attention to the road op. He is in his car.

Reply

breakinlegs | 19

#5806128 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:45

So him being in his car makes it okay to pull his dick out?

By Kataclysm97 | 32

#5806098 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:29

I don't understand the appeal some people find in masturbating while driving O_o And I'm sorry you had to witness that, OP.

Reply

MasqueradePrince | 25

#5806124 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:43

I assume they like the thrill of possibly getting caught, of doing it in public.... -shrugs- people are into different things.

By karatekid97 | 17

#5806099 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:29

He was just multitasking...

Reply

whiskeey | 14

#5806224 - Friday 27 December 2013 4:41

He should multitask somewhere else, preferably in private!

By Zarniclopsindorf | 24

#5806101 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:30

Which city is that? Remind me to stay FAR away.

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5806305 - Friday 27 December 2013 6:32

Calm down; It's in the Netherlands. They (and tourists) need to watch out.

By Paradoxxxx | 16

#5806104 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:31

What. The. Fuck

By superrocket19 | 17

#5806106 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:32

It's a good thing it wasn't traffic. ah, multitasking at its finest.

By Wizardo | 33

#5806117 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:39

Being the Netherlands I'm not surprised these guys are probably out of their damn minds and that sandwich was probably laced with marijuana... the cock too.

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#5806131 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:49

Cock laced with weed? I can honestly say I would've never come up with that in a lifetime...

Reply

Aleys_fml | 21

#5806175 - Friday 27 December 2013 3:39

Geez thats a little offensive. I am proud to be born in the Netherlands. There are crazy people I won't deny that, but there are crazy people in every country.

Reply

smokecloud_ | 37

#5806299 - Friday 27 December 2013 6:22

Hmm.. cock laced with weed.. I feel as though my boyfriend would be less than thrilled if I tried to light his dick and smoke it. But, you have given me the courage to try!! Hey, honey.. c'mere!!

By dramaelf | 37

#5806120 - Friday 27 December 2013 2:41

What kind of sandwich?

Reply

olpally | 32

#5806141 - Friday 27 December 2013 3:13

A cock meat sandwich, like from the movie "Harold and kumar escape from Guantanamo bay." Haha duh!

Reply

buckdharma | 36

#5806144 - Friday 27 December 2013 3:14

Pulled pork?
Sloppy Joe?
Sausage wrap?

Reply

DJisHere11 | 19

#5806205 - Friday 27 December 2013 4:27

Now we can't forget the jerk seasoning.