Transportation: Today, while driving, I idly started picking my nose. I looked...

By wench - 23/12/2010 20:39 - United States

Today, while driving, I idly started picking my nose. I looked over at the car next to me and saw a smoking hot guy from my school staring at me in disgust. He kept staring until I took a turn-off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 539

You deserved it 36 543

Transportation

Mother of the year

Own it

Insurance is a racket

By Anonymous - 17/05/2012 21:54 - United States - Spring

Today, after having a pretty rough day, I decided a nice, hot shower would be great. Ten minutes in, the shower head apparently couldn't take the water pressure anymore, and it flew off and hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 259

You deserved it 2 183

By Anonymous - 24/05/2011 18:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 017

You deserved it 3 481

Demon child

By never again! - 22/06/2021 02:01

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was acting up, so instead of spanking him, I put him in the corner for timeout. He screamed and thrashed and kicked the walls so hard my neighbors called the police. My sister wasn’t answering her phone, and I had to explain why a 7-year-old was acting like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 94

By Embarrassed - 06/12/2018 03:00

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 5 926

By saddude - 04/03/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 302

You deserved it 113 278

Tis the season

By creimers - 01/07/2020 23:01

Today, my mom forbade me from taking any allergy medicine, because she is afraid that I'll turn into a meth addict. I have horrible allergies and can barely see or stop sneezing without them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 585

You deserved it 107

By Loose Ends - 14/09/2016 23:48 - United States - Waltham

Today, I found out that apparently the pipes for my toilet were never connected, so anything you flush just falls out onto the basement floor downstairs. I've lived here 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 133

You deserved it 2 779

By thatsmejl - 15/09/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I had to fire an employee because she constantly calls in, or is late to work. She became very emotional and I felt kind of bad, so I walked her out myself. We then got stuck in the company elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 099

You deserved it 3 936

By Chiiii - 15/11/2017 01:30

Today, I got home from working abroad for 8 months and opened my post. I'm being taken to court over 3 parking tickets my mum didn't tell me she'd gotten using my car. If we lose, my credit score is affected for 6 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 243

You deserved it 288

By ProExist - 15/03/2019 21:00 - United States

Today, MLK Jr. Day, I was told that since my other co workers are on vacation, I have to be at work Today. No one else is at work Today...or on any other holiday. Also I am the only black person at my office. The irony, FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 410

You deserved it 235

Lose the boyfriend, not the weight

By Amanda G Rich - 25/11/2020 02:02

Today, yet again. my boyfriend told me I'm getting fat, even after I told him to stop and that it's affecting my mental health. I had an eating disorder previously, and now I'm thinking about going back to just eating an apple a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 169

You deserved it 179

Technique

By onlyintx - 19/07/2021 11:01

Today, after 3 days of vigorously scrubbing primer on the walls with a painting roller, I finally realized that simply re-wetting the roller after each stroke is the correct and easier way. Dang, can I be slow to catch on sometimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 283

You deserved it 883

By Stuby14 - 23/11/2015 14:31 - United States - Brookings

Today, my girlfriend and I were sending dirty messages to each other. We were getting really into it until she replied to one of my messages with, "Oooooh yeah." I read it in the Kool-Aid man's voice and couldn't stop laughing. Mood killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 194

You deserved it 5 746

By Anonymous - 13/09/2014 00:19 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 942

You deserved it 9 820

Kick the bum out

By SleeplessinNJ - 20/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Raritan

Today, after spending money on all the furniture and decor in our apartment, paying rent every month from my bank account, paying for all the groceries, and paying for all the dog supplies, my fiance asked why I don't keep saving thousands of dollars every month, while he pays for none of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 063

You deserved it 402

By NeverLookingAgain - 30/12/2015 04:16 - United States

Today, I faced my fears. I've always had a weird fear of looking out of windows at night, afraid a face would suddenly appear. When I heard a strange noise outside, I looked out the window. Sure enough, the face of a man suddenly appeared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 366

You deserved it 2 012

True Love

By Marriedtoajew - 03/01/2018 19:00

Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 823

You deserved it 410

By lovethyneighbour - 04/08/2014 00:19 - Australia - Berowra

Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 335

You deserved it 5 517

By thx. - 04/08/2016 20:35 - United States - Denver

Today, I told the girl working the scanner that half the documents I was indexing from her were upside down. Now ALL of them are upside down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 250

You deserved it 1 287

By EpicFailAtItsFinest - 13/04/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a seizure. Nervous, I went into shock and walked into a tree, knocking myself out. Post seizure, the woman stood up and walked away. Later, I woke up in the hospital. The ambulance had arrived to take her, but ended up taking me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 384

You deserved it 19 468

By Anonymous - 05/06/2012 18:47 - Brazil - Americana

Today, I was at work, reading some funny stories on my phone. Just as one of my co-workers decided to share that his father had passed away recently, I burst into uncontrollable, teary-eyed laughter at a story. They don't believe my explanation, and have branded me the office asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 859

You deserved it 9 117

By Anonymous - 12/05/2018 19:00

Today, according to my girlfriend's instant messenger, which she left open on my laptop, I am her rough shag on the side while she searches for a guy who is husband material that her parents will approve of. I guess the engagement ring in my bag is going back to the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 200

You deserved it 293

By Anonymous - 30/04/2019 04:00

Today, I returned from vacation overseas to find I'd lost my job. The manager approved my leave, but forgot to put it in the system, so I was written up repeatedly for not showing up. If I want my job back, I have to wait 90 days and apply to start over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 606

You deserved it 150

By crazy cat lady - 03/12/2014 23:24 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 274

You deserved it 3 664

Crime scene

By xTRYSOFTx - 07/03/2020 03:00 - United States

Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 1 995

Mystery

By oof! - 09/08/2021 17:59

Today, after taking him to two different neurological specialists, a pediatric ophthalmologist, an inner ear specialist, and a therapist, I’ve spent thousands of dollars just to come to the conclusion that my son is just hopelessly clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 121

By Baustigt - 06/08/2014 13:34 - Australia

Today, as I was driving, a massive cockroach clicked its way across my windshield. I pulled over to fling it out the window, but it spread its wings and flew around like a hook-armed stabbing machine. I lost it in the dark car and now I can't find it. It's going to be a long drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 925

You deserved it 4 567

By Ashley J. - 01/03/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 153

You deserved it 17 493

By Username - 29/07/2011 21:35 - Netherlands

Today, my sister announced that she had gotten engaged. I was happy for her until I found out she's marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied me all through high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 256

You deserved it 2 980

By Posty - 18/05/2009 18:38 - United Kingdom

Today, on the way to work, I pulled over at a postbox to post a letter. I walked up to the box with the letter in one hand, car key in the other. Guess which one I posted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 522

You deserved it 26 675

By KennyDidIt - 09/12/2012 13:18 - United States - Grand Bay

Today, it's my sixth day taking care of my family's seven animals while my parents are in Singapore. So far, I've emergency-called the vet twice, taken a dog to the vet once, and cleaned up liquid dog shit five times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 571

You deserved it 2 826

Ruined art

By annie - 17/11/2020 00:08 - United States - Denver

Today, while sitting on a bench drawing, some guy went up to me, yelled, “YOUR ART SUCKS” and flipped my sketchpad out of my hands. I’d been working on that piece for hours and now there’s a big black pencil streak on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 61

Estranged

By freamly - 16/03/2021 17:01

Today, I called my mother to tell her about my terminal cancer diagnosis. She responded with, "What makes you think I care at all?" before hanging up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 873

You deserved it 58

By Chelstable - 02/08/2016 17:57

Today, I woke up with the worst headache of my life. I didn't get it from drinking, but rather from puking 6 times off the side of a fishing boat. Fishing was the one thing my husband wanted to do while on vacation, even though I'm 3 months pregnant and have a bad stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 639

You deserved it 1 474

Unhappy birthday

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 19:00 - Australia

Today, my cleaner wished me a happy birthday. My family and friends forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 994

You deserved it 186

By Rachel - 23/10/2014 04:04 - United States - Waynesburg

Today, I was passing notes in class with my crush. I started to pour my heart out and tell him about how I've liked him for years. I was caught by the teacher. He looked at it, laughed, and tore it up. He then looked at me and said, "I just saved you from years of embarrassment. You're welcome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 893

You deserved it 11 718

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 946

You deserved it 6 998

By oxjessiiox - 11/10/2009 15:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 037

You deserved it 29 734

Lookin' good

By Anonymous - 03/03/2021 05:01

Today, I was sitting in the bus station when an old woman looked over at me, then said to her friend, "Young women are so pretty these days." Her friend looked up at me and said, "That's because makeup is so cheap these days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 138

By anonymous - 15/08/2010 13:12 - Netherlands

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 883

You deserved it 5 331

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Top comments

DocBastard 38

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:22

Do you also idly wipe your ass as you ride in elevators? Please, tell us what other disgusting habits you idly have.

macskapingvin 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:09

I think the turn-off was there from the moment you stuck your digit up your nostril.

Ninjafriends 1

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:01

I think you impressed her.

Sirin_fml 46

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:04

I believe the key word is "guy".

Sirin_fml 46

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:05

I believe the key word here is "guy".

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:08

Sirin, I'm a smoking-hot pot roast.

talldude4u 3

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:12

Absolutely with those eyes. Ostricheyes-itis, I presume? :D

Ninjafriends 1

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:15

Oops

fakeaccountX 6

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:29

I bet you're a real dude magnet.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Friday 24 December 2010 1:16

I believe technically itd be ostricheyes-osis or perhaps opthalmomegaly with a hint of blepheromegaly, but you'd have to ask Doc to be sure, as I'm no expert.

Alpha35 4

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Friday 24 December 2010 1:18

u should've asked him to lick ur finger

ddawgg5523 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 4:27

disgusting bitch

Afxman 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 13:28

did u pick a winner

emmely143 0

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Sunday 26 December 2010 6:12

wow.

claiiire_fml 17

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Wednesday 5 January 2011 3:46

43- get a sense of humor. you're making all the jokes and play on words lame by explaining them.

Chaosinferno 4

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 16:08

good point

canadian_ftw 8

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:06

I think tinted windows are very useful in this situation.

Rocketgirl89 17

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:09

You should have asked him if he wanted to take one side and you take the other. You would have finished picking your nose a lot faster.

celerysticks381 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 4:00

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

snickers001 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 4:16

#49 awesome picq :)

ArwinEvenstar 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 7:36

BENDER FTW

macskapingvin 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:09

I think the turn-off was there from the moment you stuck your digit up your nostril.

DAN7IEL 2

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Friday 24 December 2010 6:45

haha I was thinking that same thing!!!!

kile88 2

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:10

or maybe just wait till you get home? fuck I don't care if I have a 5c coin stuck up there I'd never pick it in public. that's just dirty. ydi

hail_this_villai 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:12

rofl, how often does currency venture into your nose?

TheWicked 4

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:16

Shit happens ya'know ;D

Doortje 29

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:14

You should have asked your boyfriend to pick it for you. YDI.

DocBastard 38

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:22

Do you also idly wipe your ass as you ride in elevators? Please, tell us what other disgusting habits you idly have.

hail_this_villai 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:24

That's quite a leap Doc, even for you!

BWill9014 4

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:39

lololol

salsalover_12 5

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Friday 24 December 2010 1:53

omg doc i love you

bellahhh 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 7:50

LMFAOOOO

Ninjafriends 1

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:22

It's not altogether uncommon to see people do this. Maybe being in an enclosed space makes people feel that they're isolated, despite the windows.

sourgirl101 28

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Friday 24 December 2010 1:38

I believe you're correct. I read that something like 30% of people pick their nose while driving.

jvillan87 5

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Friday 24 December 2010 6:14

I'd like to think that the percentage would be higher...like maybe 40%.

Ninjafriends 1

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Friday 24 December 2010 8:33

Maybe 42%

Nadinek98 0

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:26

what did u eat it cause that's just WRONG

generalasskicker 12

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Friday 24 December 2010 0:38

power ranger^

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 35

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 282

You deserved it 16

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 202

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