Today, while driving, I idly started picking my nose. I looked...

By wench - 23/12/2010 20:39 - United States

Today, while driving, I idly started picking my nose. I looked over at the car next to me and saw a smoking hot guy from my school staring at me in disgust. He kept staring until I took a turn-off. FML

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Transportation

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TMI

By kaitlintaylor - 7/11/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, my family went to a football game. It was a little cold, but then it started to rain. I wasn't dressed for rain and I'd left my umbrella in the car. My dad wouldn't let us leave our seats for the whole game. FML

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By Foureyes - 23/8/2009 13:29 - Australia

Today, my mother and father are insisting that I go on a date with a German exchange student they met at the weekend. Why? Because we have similar glasses. FML

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By Yudith - 27/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

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By nope! - 4/3/2020 12:00

Meanwhile, in 1953…

Today, I had my first date in more than two years. As soon as I sat down, the first words out of his mouth were, "How many people have you had sex with? Not just recently, but ever. I don’t date women who’ve had more than 5 partners." I left before we'd even ordered drinks. FML

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By MIB thingy please... - 5/2/2015 01:21 - United States - Oregon City

Today, my date dropped me off at home and briefly met my parents. As he was leaving he whispered into my ear, "I want to feel the inside of your vagina with the outside of my penis." My parents totally heard. FML

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By disgusted - 4/10/2012 23:24 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was watching TV with my mom, when a plumbing ad came on. A hot guy showed up on-screen and said "I'm here to snake your drain." My mom immediately piped up with, "Oh, I'd let him snake my drain any day." Thanks for that imagery, mom. FML

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By clumsy - 7/5/2013 00:45 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I tried to "trip" and fall into this guy I've had a crush on. I missed and fell on my face. He stepped over me and kept walking. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was on a friends trampoline trying to convince my mom trampolines are safe and I should get one. While telling her I smashed my knee into my face. I jumped off bleeding, slipped, hit my head on the trampoline, and got knocked unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that while I was in the ICU for having had a life-threatening seizure, my boyfriend was out partying with other girls. His excuse was that he needed to find a new girl if I died. FML

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By belljars - 18/4/2014 02:27 - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of the moment I cried out for him to go harder. He had an exasperated expression on his face, and in an adamantly offended tone he said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he stopped and left the room. FML

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By whoops - 25/5/2014 21:23 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 14:40 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

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By The Rock's arse - 4/7/2014 20:29 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I hit rock bottom; I watched one of those shitty infomercial channels, without even being forced into it at gunpoint. Even worse is that I practically creamed myself over a damn fruit juicer, all because it was 50% off and I could actually afford it. FML

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By toomuchmetal - 24/6/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I was in line at a checkout. I have quite a few facial piercings and 1/2" gauges in my ears. The very heavy cashier asks how big my gauges are and then starts telling me about how she recently got her clitoris pierced and how sometimes she has orgasms behind the register. FML

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By liberatedwoman - 11/8/2009 14:57 - Oman

Today, my mother sat me down to tell me that since coming home from college, I sounded like "a liberated woman". She was disappointed and disturbed by this and said that I should stop having strong opinions and ideals because it would make finding a husband for me difficult. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I needed someone to talk to because I just found out my aunt has cancer. She told me to talk to her in an hour, Spongebob was on. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 14:29 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that, due to my low self-confidence, all my bras are push-ups. He yelled, "EVERYTHING I KNEW IS A LIE" and stormed out. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2013 06:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML

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By Bree - 15/8/2012 15:15 - United States

Today, my father tried to secretly follow me all day, because he doesn't believe that I have any "real" errands to run or friends to meet with. He's actually convinced that I'm living some secret double life with another family. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

New one

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

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By kilamo80 - 27/7/2013 09:26 - United States - Clarkston

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

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By Archie - 7/1/2010 08:31 - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

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By muddygal - 25/6/2011 19:10 - United States

Today, while driving with my family, the car got stuck in a large patch of mud. My family of seven decided that I, the fifteen year old girl, would be best suited to push it out. After slipping, falling, and getting completely covered in mud, they finally called a tow truck. FML

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By epiiphany - 16/12/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2013 16:34 - United States - Washington

Pretend

Today, my girlfriend tried to get me to wear curly wig, so I could pretend to be Harry Styles in bed. FML

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By grossuncle - 25/2/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

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By deadmedia - 30/8/2009 00:39 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

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By fxck - 4/2/2015 19:28

Today, at work, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head on my cash register. A second later, I heard roaring laughter from the security room, followed by someone saying to play it back. I'd almost convinced myself it wasn't about me, when one of the guys came out and gave me a thumb up. FML

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By neuroticallyours - 12/11/2009 07:11 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend how happy I was with him. He responded by pulling down his pants and slapping his ass. I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. FML

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By haileyjunkin - 22/11/2011 17:53

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

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By fml - 13/1/2020 07:00 - United States - Huntsville

Really!

Today, after receiving our marriage certificate, I told my wife about it. She responded with "fml". FML

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By my patience is starting to crack - 12/6/2017 22:00

Today, while working at a retail, I was checking on a customer who had been in one of the dressing rooms for over an hour. After knocking for 10 minutes, I unlocked the door myself, only to find the customer sitting on the floor, smoking crack. This isn't even the first time this has happened. FML

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By Steve.mc - 1/5/2011 07:03 - Canada

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2015 13:17 - United States - Westborough

Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, while working as a hotel guard I found a homeless man lying in the grass. I asked him to move and he ignored me, continuing to lie there with his head resting on his arms and a big smile on his face. I got annoyed and started to yell at him. After a few minutes I realized he was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2015 05:56 - United States - Silverdale

Today, I had to negotiate with my husband so he would bring me toilet paper while I was on the john. His terms? A blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2016 19:28 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything went well until I got up and accidentally smashed my shin against one of the piano legs. Before I could bite my tongue, I'd already yelled "Fucking hell!" in front of about 50 second graders. FML

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By "sadh3" - 13/10/2017 04:30

Today, my pregnant girlfriend asked me if she should take a pregnancy test to make sure the baby is really hers. FML

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By virginat16 - 14/12/2010 11:00 - United States

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#1884726 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:22

Do you also idly wipe your ass as you ride in elevators? Please, tell us what other disgusting habits you idly have.

By macskapingvin | 0

#1884669 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:09

I think the turn-off was there from the moment you stuck your digit up your nostril.

COMMENTS

By Ninjafriends | 1

#1884628 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:01

I think you impressed her.

Sirin_fml | 46

#1884648 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:04

I believe the key word is "guy".

Sirin_fml | 46

#1884653 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:05

I believe the key word here is "guy".

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1884665 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:08

Sirin, I'm a smoking-hot pot roast.

talldude4u | 3

#1884691 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:12

Absolutely with those eyes. Ostricheyes-itis, I presume? :D

Ninjafriends | 1

#1884702 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:15

Oops

fakeaccountX | 6

#1884751 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:29

I bet you're a real dude magnet.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1884891 - Friday 24 December 2010 1:16

I believe technically itd be ostricheyes-osis or perhaps opthalmomegaly with a hint of blepheromegaly, but you'd have to ask Doc to be sure, as I'm no expert.

Alpha35 | 4

#1884896 - Friday 24 December 2010 1:18

u should've asked him to lick ur finger

ddawgg5523 | 0

#1885031 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:27

disgusting bitch

Afxman | 0

#1886130 - Friday 24 December 2010 13:28

did u pick
a winner

emmely143 | 0

#1892218 - Sunday 26 December 2011 6:12

wow.

claiiire_fml | 17

#1929783 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 3:46

43- get a sense of humor. you're making all the jokes and play on words lame by explaining them.

Chaosinferno | 4

#2162139 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 16:08

good point

By canadian_ftw | 8

#1884658 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:06

I think tinted windows are very useful in this situation.

By Rocketgirl89 | 17

#1884667 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:09

You should have asked him if he wanted to take one side and you take the other. You would have finished picking your nose a lot faster.

celerysticks381 | 0

#1885013 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:00

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

snickers001 | 0

#1885024 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:16

#49 awesome picq :)

ArwinEvenstar | 0

#1885246 - Friday 24 December 2010 7:36

BENDER FTW

By macskapingvin | 0

#1884669 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:09

I think the turn-off was there from the moment you stuck your digit up your nostril.

DAN7IEL | 2

#1885154 - Friday 24 December 2010 6:45

haha I was thinking that same thing!!!!

By kile88 | 2

#1884672 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:10

or maybe just wait till you get home? fuck I don't care if I have a 5c coin stuck up there I'd never pick it in public. that's just dirty. ydi

hail_this_villai | 0

#1884688 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:12

rofl, how often does currency venture into your nose?

TheWicked | 4

#1884707 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:16

Shit happens ya'know ;D

By Doortje | 28

#1884697 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:14

You should have asked your boyfriend to pick it for you. YDI.

By DocBastard | 38

#1884726 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:22

Do you also idly wipe your ass as you ride in elevators? Please, tell us what other disgusting habits you idly have.

hail_this_villai | 0

#1884739 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:24

That's quite a leap Doc, even for you!

BWill9014 | 4

#1884785 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:39

lololol

salsalover_12 | 5

#1884927 - Friday 24 December 2010 1:53

omg doc i love you

bellahhh | 0

#1885275 - Friday 24 December 2010 7:50

LMFAOOOO

By Ninjafriends | 1

#1884731 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:22

It's not altogether uncommon to see people do this. Maybe being in an enclosed space makes people feel that they're isolated, despite the windows.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1884918 - Friday 24 December 2010 1:38

I believe you're correct. I read that something like 30% of people pick their nose while driving.

jvillan87 | 5

#1885122 - Friday 24 December 2010 6:14

I'd like to think that the percentage would be higher...like maybe 40%.

Ninjafriends | 1

#1885326 - Friday 24 December 2010 8:33

Maybe 42%

By Nadinek98 | 0

#1884743 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:26

what did u eat it cause that's just WRONG

By generalasskicker | 12

#1884777 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:38

power ranger^