Transportation: Today, while driving, I idly started picking my nose. I looked...

By wench - United States

Today, while driving, I idly started picking my nose. I looked over at the car next to me and saw a smoking hot guy from my school staring at me in disgust. He kept staring until I took a turn-off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9530

You deserved it

36511

Favorite

Transportation

Rock, hard place

Boom, headshot

Jonah begs to differ

By Anonymous - Germany - Ahaus

Today, it's been three weeks since I moved to Germany with my own money, after my company's offices in Spain shut down. I was given a job at the headquarters here, only to have just found out that the whole company is now set to go into liquidation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45329

You deserved it

3141

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I found out that my 4 year old son had been secretly scattering around food he didn't like to eat throughout the house. How did I find out? No one else in this family leaves half eaten spinach all over my underwear drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27730

You deserved it

3848

Favorite

By fml - United States

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38565

You deserved it

3344

Favorite

By quackers - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13755

You deserved it

1188

Favorite

By Anonymous

She missed everything

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep 3 min into the 25 min TV show sex that we waited all week to watch together. FML.

I agree, your life sucks

1435

You deserved it

224

Favorite

By bitch - United States - San Diego

Today, I dumped my boyfriend. To celebrate being newly single, I wanted to watch some shows on Netflix. My now ex-boyfriend had already changed the password. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2269

You deserved it

10426

Favorite

By hopeless - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55197

You deserved it

4257

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/9/2020 10:49

This is fine

Today, I envy all the mothers who get to hide in their bathroom, engulfed in tears, when at their breaking points. I'm a single mom of two heathens. Today, like most days, really I had to threaten violence at the top of my lungs so they would stop fighting long enough for me to simply use the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

986

You deserved it

425

Favorite

By legotron - United States

Today, I left work at 11pm. It was cold and dark, and I was anxious to get home, so I cut across some soccer fields to get to my car. About halfway across, the sprinklers came on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29336

You deserved it

8802

Favorite

By KBL3 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32079

You deserved it

14924

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29849

You deserved it

5420

Favorite

By theraarman - France

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has to pretend to have another boyfriend who isn't me, because her siblings and cousins don't like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31554

You deserved it

3073

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31634

You deserved it

3978

Favorite

By je suis christy - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46774

You deserved it

3099

Favorite

By I hate Walmart???? - United States - Greensboro

Today, I went to the self-checkout line at Walmart. When I tried to pay, the cash wouldn't go in, so I stood there trying to cram money into the thing that's supposed to take your money. What I didn't realize was that there was a sign up top that said: "No Cash. Cards Only." FML

I agree, your life sucks

17885

You deserved it

41523

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16659

You deserved it

117109

Favorite

By BigDreamer

Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up with a really hot girl. Not a sex dream. A dream where I was sitting in a room alone and imagining myself hooking up with this really hot girl. Even in my dreams I can only imagine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2142

You deserved it

229

Favorite

By FlyingFist - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26031

You deserved it

3429

Favorite

By Failure

Today, despite having glowing recommendations, stellar grades, and an impressive resumé, I was rejected by all 15 colleges that I applied to. No explanation or reasons have been given, and it's too late to apply to any more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9748

You deserved it

919

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21567

You deserved it

1887

Favorite

By frankfukhergood - Canada

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55958

You deserved it

3326

Favorite

By McFired - United States

Today, I got fired from my job for harassing customers over the weekend. I didn't work over the weekend. I left my nametag there on Friday and my co-workers thought it would be funny to wear my nametag all weekend. One of them got into a fight with a customer and they took her 'name' down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75467

You deserved it

7262

Favorite

By Malakai

Today, after taking a massive shit, I flushed the toilet and it clogged. It flooded to the brim and the shit came rising to the top. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed some toilet paper and picked it up, ran to my balcony, and launched it. It landed on my neighbor's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1232

You deserved it

3509

Favorite

By Anonymous - Italy - Catanzaro

Today, while shaving my nether regions, I slipped and sliced myself in three separate places. They won't completely stop bleeding. I'm virtually having a second period, and it hurts to close my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37707

You deserved it

7661

Favorite

By asianjoe - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31749

You deserved it

2774

Favorite

By Liz

Today, I woke up, and I could see perfectly. Somehow, during the night, my eyes magically became 20/20. I was overjoyed, until I realized I'd fallen asleep with my glasses on. My eyes are still trash, and I want to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1578

You deserved it

543

Favorite

By Amanda - United States

Today, I went to the carnival with a guy I like. When we went on the big scary ride where you flip upside down a lot, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Then, I threw up on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43532

You deserved it

4724

Favorite

By TooInnocent - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was told that I was no longer being considered for the Prison Officer job I have been interviewed for, because a social media check showed I had liked a picture of drugs, so my character is inappropriate. I thought it was a picture of candy. I've never even tried weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10882

You deserved it

2188

Favorite

By Tyler - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46108

You deserved it

9637

Favorite

By EvictingItSoon - 8/3/2020 23:07

The miracle of barf

Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1623

You deserved it

642

Favorite

By trailertrashyanditsucks - United States - Porter

Drunk mom

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47873

You deserved it

3790

Favorite

By mia - United States - Wakefield

Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8471

You deserved it

901

Favorite

By loving wife - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84127

You deserved it

7607

Favorite

By fish killer - Canada

Today, I bought a fish. I put the tank on top of the fridge so my cat wouldn't get at it. I'd forgotten to buy some things for its tank, so I quickly ran out to get them. When I got home, I saw the tank destroyed on the floor, and my cat devouring my fish. I had the fish for less than an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19209

You deserved it

29711

Favorite

By James - United States

Today, I was at a local restaurant. The girl that I like walked by so I tried to give her a high five. My hand ended up on her boob instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31311

You deserved it

17936

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new boss lost his shit and flew into a ten minute rant against me about the "value of respect". He told me that if I wanted to stay in "his" company, I'd best start toeing the line. All this because I corrected his misuse of "your" and "you're" in one of his memos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28971

You deserved it

9339

Favorite

By Anonymous

Ball Is Life

Today, my wife tried to be sexy by climbing on top of me wearing nothing but a thong. Unfortunately, her knee came down in just the wrong spot and I passed out instantly from the pain of my testicle rupturing. I'm in hospital now recovering from the removal surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4738

You deserved it

227

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started college after a night out. I'd got tipsy at the club and started dancing with a cute guy. He asked for my number. I didn't want to give it to him, so I gave him a rejection number. Guess who's the new professor for my bio class? And yes, he recognized me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16635

You deserved it

37513

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37808

You deserved it

3088

Favorite

By Sheezey - United States

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46245

You deserved it

6746

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#1884726 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:22

Do you also idly wipe your ass as you ride in elevators? Please, tell us what other disgusting habits you idly have.

By macskapingvin | 0

#1884669 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:09

I think the turn-off was there from the moment you stuck your digit up your nostril.

COMMENTS

By Ninjafriends | 1

#1884628 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:01

I think you impressed her.

Sirin_fml | 46

#1884648 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:04

I believe the key word is "guy".

Sirin_fml | 46

#1884653 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:05

I believe the key word here is "guy".

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1884665 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:08

Sirin, I'm a smoking-hot pot roast.

talldude4u | 3

#1884691 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:12

Absolutely with those eyes. Ostricheyes-itis, I presume? :D

Ninjafriends | 1

#1884702 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:15

Oops

fakeaccountX | 6

#1884751 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:29

I bet you're a real dude magnet.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1884891 - Friday 24 December 2010 1:16

I believe technically itd be ostricheyes-osis or perhaps opthalmomegaly with a hint of blepheromegaly, but you'd have to ask Doc to be sure, as I'm no expert.

Alpha35 | 4

#1884896 - Friday 24 December 2010 1:18

u should've asked him to lick ur finger

ddawgg5523 | 0

#1885031 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:27

disgusting bitch

Afxman | 0

#1886130 - Friday 24 December 2010 13:28

did u pick
a winner

emmely143 | 0

#1892218 - Sunday 26 December 2010 6:12

wow.

claiiire_fml | 17

#1929783 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 3:46

43- get a sense of humor. you're making all the jokes and play on words lame by explaining them.

Chaosinferno | 4

#2162139 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 16:08

good point

By canadian_ftw | 8

#1884658 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:06

I think tinted windows are very useful in this situation.

By Rocketgirl89 | 17

#1884667 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:09

You should have asked him if he wanted to take one side and you take the other. You would have finished picking your nose a lot faster.

celerysticks381 | 0

#1885013 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:00

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

snickers001 | 0

#1885024 - Friday 24 December 2010 4:16

#49 awesome picq :)

ArwinEvenstar | 0

#1885246 - Friday 24 December 2010 7:36

BENDER FTW

By macskapingvin | 0

#1884669 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:09

I think the turn-off was there from the moment you stuck your digit up your nostril.

DAN7IEL | 2

#1885154 - Friday 24 December 2010 6:45

haha I was thinking that same thing!!!!

By kile88 | 2

#1884672 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:10

or maybe just wait till you get home? fuck I don't care if I have a 5c coin stuck up there I'd never pick it in public. that's just dirty. ydi

hail_this_villai | 0

#1884688 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:12

rofl, how often does currency venture into your nose?

TheWicked | 4

#1884707 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:16

Shit happens ya'know ;D

By Doortje | 29

#1884697 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:14

You should have asked your boyfriend to pick it for you. YDI.

By DocBastard | 38

#1884726 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:22

Do you also idly wipe your ass as you ride in elevators? Please, tell us what other disgusting habits you idly have.

hail_this_villai | 0

#1884739 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:24

That's quite a leap Doc, even for you!

BWill9014 | 4

#1884785 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:39

lololol

salsalover_12 | 5

#1884927 - Friday 24 December 2010 1:53

omg doc i love you

bellahhh | 0

#1885275 - Friday 24 December 2010 7:50

LMFAOOOO

By Ninjafriends | 1

#1884731 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:22

It's not altogether uncommon to see people do this. Maybe being in an enclosed space makes people feel that they're isolated, despite the windows.

sourgirl101 | 28

#1884918 - Friday 24 December 2010 1:38

I believe you're correct. I read that something like 30% of people pick their nose while driving.

jvillan87 | 5

#1885122 - Friday 24 December 2010 6:14

I'd like to think that the percentage would be higher...like maybe 40%.

Ninjafriends | 1

#1885326 - Friday 24 December 2010 8:33

Maybe 42%

By Nadinek98 | 0

#1884743 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:26

what did u eat it cause that's just WRONG

By generalasskicker | 12

#1884777 - Friday 24 December 2010 0:38

power ranger^