Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick his nose for him. FML

By unattractive - 18/12/2010 09:32 - Canada

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32424

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Love

DINOSAURS!!

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Everyone's an expert

By Anna L. - 25/3/2013 00:23 - United States - San Antonio

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

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By PandaSuicide - 1/7/2019 06:29

Today, I jokingly told my die-hard Laker fan dad that I converted to become a Celtics fan. He responded, "Get out of my car." I'm currently sitting on a sidewalk, trying to convince him it was a joke. FML

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1477

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By udnrizh - 8/10/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

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29293

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 22:00

Today, I let my 19-year-old son drive my Lexus to his date. At 11:00 p.m., I watched him pull into the driveway with a broken taillight, marks and scratches all over the car, the front bumper missing, and him being nearly passed out because he's so drunk. FML

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1934

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By mommiedearest - 24/12/2015 16:06 - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

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21711

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

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11585

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2014 16:15 - United Kingdom - Chester

Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML

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By Terry - 13/7/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who's this bitch!?" It turns out she's his half sister. FML

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10579

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By nicklesg - 23/6/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

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57255

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:40 - United States - Greenfield

Today, I got fired from my childcare job of five years because the other staff weren't as popular with the kids, so they accused me of being "creepy" because the kids all wanted to play a game with me instead of them. FML

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29174

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 06:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

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By Anonycunt - 27/7/2013 16:30 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

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By carless - 29/10/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I watched as the teenage neighbor girl tried to parallel-park between me and my wife's cars. She was doing pretty well until she backed into mine, got scared, hit the accelerator and ran into my wife's. FML

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43811

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By lifestinks - 5/4/2009 04:17 - Canada

Today, when my boyfriend reffered to my hair, I told him I was going to dye it. He responded by saying, "finally, so how much you going for, 40, maybe 50 pounds?". I said dye it, not diet. FML

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63810

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By soprahb - 19/10/2012 06:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

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23312

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2011 22:36 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML

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By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

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By anon - 27/7/2011 00:01 - Israel

Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 06:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML

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By aireun - 9/7/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, my laptop plug got stuck in the wall outlet. I stood there for 10 minutes violently trying to yank it out. My boss came in and screamed at me for making noise. I was angry, so I glared at him and yanked on the plug as hard as I could. It dislodged itself noiselessly and I fell over. FML

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By cmck932012 - 26/6/2012 06:18 - United States - Tyrone

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer bent forward and I admired his ass. When he turned, I couldn't tell if he caught me or not. At the end of the interview he shook my hand in congratulations of getting the job, then said "Yes, I do work out." I have to see him everyday now. FML

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By missprude666 - 19/1/2012 08:32 - Australia

Today, I had to sit through 10 minutes of hearing a man on the tram tell his friend in explicit detail about all the filthy sex acts he'd like to do to me. His friend told him to take a photo to jack off to later. When I tried to tell the tram driver, he told me to "take it as a compliment." FML

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41938

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By for fuck's sake, gran - 25/7/2015 05:30 - United States - Bainbridge

Today, my grandma and I went shopping. When I picked up some shower gel, she started ranting in front of everyone that shower gel injures one's "lady parts" and causes infertility, and that she wants me to give her great-grandchildren. FML

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25361

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

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By disappointed - 1/7/2016 03:31 - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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11929

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By cancerfreak - 21/3/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

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89405

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 04:09

Today, I wanted to be on top during sex, after always being on the bottom. Afterwards, he said, "You're never riding me like that again." FML

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1888

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2010 16:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the foundation I've been using for the past month isn't normal foundation, its skin darkening foundation. I look like an oompa loompa from the neck up. It won't go away for another month. FML

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11810

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By policeopenup - 11/7/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

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54184

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By blue - 8/9/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, I was put on notice at work due to my "anger problem." Apparently, sighing in a meeting means you will be labeled as someone with a short temper. However the creepy stalker guy is on the fast track to management. FML

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26437

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3091

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By gmnesbitt - 7/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

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28876

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By fuckspellcheck - 28/4/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

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23649

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By Arizonagirl - 6/11/2016 07:31 - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate having sex in my bed because hers is ,"reserved for sleeping only". FML

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13128

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817

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, I was on an airplane that was experiencing some turbulence. Feeling anxious, I reached over and grabbed my husband's hand for comfort. He then said, "Why are you scared of dying? You're not even pretty." FML

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44833

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By wow - 16/5/2019 00:05

Another fine mess

Today, I was walking my dog when he did his business. He then stepped all in it and coated his paws. As I was struggling with him, I slipped and landed butt-first into his steaming pile. My boyfriend nearly fainted from laughing. FML

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1670

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By I'veRunOuttaPatience - 31/8/2018 03:30

Today, I got scolded for how I treated my aunt and uncle's dogs while pet sitting. I was told it was my fault they had explosive diarrhea for "locking" them in the room they'd told me to put them in at night and doing everything they said when I reported they were sick. FML

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2850

You deserved it

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By The_HML - 24/3/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

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72845

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By AtikaSucks - 28/2/2010 19:00 - Tunisia

Today, thanks to my brilliant hairstylist, I ended up with a brand new haircut, which I like to call the "Bowler hat-and-Spaghetti" cut. FML

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24083

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 22:00 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

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34413

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By Humpday - 29/5/2016 21:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

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Top comments

By Doortje | 28

#1861690 - Saturday 18 December 2010 15:55

If that's not true love then what is?

By redbluegreen | 40

#1861796 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:13

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose. Oh wait.

COMMENTS

By AMDJB | 0

#1861686 - Saturday 18 December 2010 15:54

FIRST

breakofdawn1 | 0

#1861720 - Saturday 18 December 2010 15:58

shut up

heyheywaddup | 7

#1861947 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:56

Soo did u pick it?!?!

sugarr0babby0 | 0

#1861989 - Saturday 18 December 2010 17:05

25- I'm guessing not..since she made it into an FML? sheesh.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1862268 - Saturday 18 December 2010 18:21

Sexxxyy(;

sexybeastsexybea | 0

#1862426 - Saturday 18 December 2010 20:10

kinky.

sugarr0babby0 | 0

#1864264 - Sunday 19 December 2010 6:08

kinky..

BDTM | 0

#1872386 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 8:17

kinky... :D

jomo111 | 5

#3533928 - Thursday 3 November 2011 2:43

Wtf

By Doortje | 28

#1861690 - Saturday 18 December 2010 15:55

If that's not true love then what is?

starile | 19

#1861766 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:06

I have no idea. Can't possibly be anything else.

penguin7 | 0

#1861871 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:36

agreed

jazzy21 | 0

#1862517 - Saturday 18 December 2010 21:18

Hmm maybe OP's boyfriend was trying to indirectly call her a "Gold Digger"
xD

punkylemon | 4

#1864431 - Sunday 19 December 2010 6:59

win^

By velvel | 7

#1861707 - Saturday 18 December 2010 15:58

aw now you guys are really best buds!

By TerrorDollie | 0

#1861715 - Saturday 18 December 2010 15:58

That's a sign that he's way too comfortable around you.

SmallTownCutie | 0

#1861819 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:22

No such thing.

funktown | 2

#1862340 - Saturday 18 December 2010 19:22

ya 5 wat r u talking about. 16 is right, u want that

ThoraxeTheImpale_fml | 0

#1862431 - Saturday 18 December 2010 20:14

#5 I want your shirt!!!

NeverShoutHaylee | 0

#1862912 - Saturday 18 December 2010 23:44

I love your shirt 5 ^-^

TheCheyenneMorga | 3

#1865536 - Sunday 19 December 2010 12:16

You can get the shirt at Hot Topic. Just saying.

By astressedperson | 0

#1861729 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:00

did u do it???

By starile | 19

#1861744 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:04

Just smile sweetly as you use a pen to pick his nose :) Don't forget to use a sharp jabbing motion!

LiveLaughLaugh | 9

#1862086 - Saturday 18 December 2010 17:25

lol :)

By Siji | 0

#1861760 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:05

Celebrities also :)

By YeOoXcRuZiTo | 0

#1861768 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:06

lOl woW...
tighT

By perdix | 29

#1861794 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:13

I hope you drove a hard bargain about who gets to keep the buried treasure!

By redbluegreen | 40

#1861796 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:13

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friends nose. Oh wait.

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#1861831 - Saturday 18 December 2010 16:23

Asario | 0

#1862193 - Saturday 18 December 2010 17:58

classic :]X ^^

Iknoweverything | 29

#1862344 - Saturday 18 December 2010 19:23

you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch!