Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick his nose for him. FML

32438

6337

Today, I realized that the "pimples" on my back weren't pimples at all. Because I was unable to see how bad they were for the last week, I never caught on to the fact the they were, in fact, ticks. FML

Love

Messed up

Expanding universe

Laundry drama

By Anonymous - United States

40122

6743

Today, my best friend was fired from the place we both work at because she's a bad employee. After they fired her she said, "If I go, I'm taking my best friend with me." So they fired me too. I actually liked that job. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

38144

4122

Today, I was talking to my grandma and I mentioned the fact that tomatoes are technically fruit. It's been an hour and she's still yelling, accusing me of lying to her. FML

By I should have kept my mouth shut - United States - Davis

29711

4576

Today, and for the past week, my 5-year-old daughter has been introducing herself as “Mazda. Zoom-zoom!” FML

By sweetjulie

1327

262

Today, instead of having my friends come pick me up, my dad drove me over to visit them. He insisted on walking me up to the door, hugging me goodbye, and making sure my friends were appropriate enough to hang out with. I'm in college. FML

By that girl. - United States

27388

3519

Today, I officially became a divorced marriage counselor. FML

By natattack - United States - Temple

49496

7946

Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML

By Gonzales - Belgium - Leuven

26594

5610

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

By crinitis - Canada - Ancaster

22962

1379

Today, I tried buying a video game that was rated "M - for mature". The Cashier told me "you have to be 17 to buy this game". I didn't have any ID on me. I'm 25. FML

By Noname - United States

24859

4282

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

By DisgustinglyFrustrated - Argentina - Rosario

54067

17950

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex in the early hours of the morning. He said "Morning sex is the best thing to wake up to." Without thinking, I responded "Yeah, unless you're in prison." He lost his erection due to laughing so hard and now can't look at me without laughing. FML

By RuinedTheMood - United States - Tomball

47649

13284

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

By Michael - Australia

28984

2905

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

By Aries_gurl - United States - Pittsburgh

2740

463

Today, my brother told my 3 year old son that cool kids call their parents by their real names. This wouldn't be half as bad if he hadn't also convinced my son that my real name was Satan. FML

By Amithatevil - Japan - Kawasaki

44665

4186

Today, I learned how my cat's flea medicine works. Instead of killing the fleas, it just makes the fleas move off of the animal. The good news is my cat no longer has fleas. The bad news is, the fleas moved into my bed. FML

By Anonymous - United States

44240

4489

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

By Anonymous - Sweden - Lidk?ping

46290

13658

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

By no one - United States

You've got a friend

65495

11365

Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Bad sandwich, bad week

1675

Today, I should be starting my last year of college next week. But no. My old advisor messed up my schedule so badly that there's no way I'll graduate for another year. So I'll be in school five years for a four year program because as a freshman I thought my advisor was helping me. FML

By PineapplePizza - United States - Irwin

13740

1357

Today, I went to the doctor's because I could feel something solid in my breasts, and I wanted to get it checked, just to be safe. Turns out it was my ribs. Oops. FML

By Lara - Germany - Bremen

19318

8296

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the airport for some much needed vacation time. We arrived on time but were stopped at the gate when they told me I didn't have the right passport. The plane left without me. My girlfriend did too. FML

By Anonymous - Spain - Las Palmas

6532

1257

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

53753

3554

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her tooth brush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

By Anonymous - United States

36057

4151

Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML

By CantPublish - United States - Modesto

34899

21755

Today, I went on a walk. I like to crush acorns as I go. One nut was actually a piece of dog poop. FML

By Elizabeth - United States

11407

26516

Today, I tried to explain my 8-year-old son that my fiancée was going to be his stepmother. Little did I know, he watched Coraline last week. Now he thinks she's his "other mother" and won't go anywhere near her. FML

By otherdad?

3755

413

Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML

By asdf - United States

47185

2749

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours so I could go to dialysis. FML

By poor - United States

Childish Gambino voice This is America

2068

Today, I overheard the popular kids say that they were planning on going to the local fast food restaurant to take pictures of the obese people that go there. Not only do I work there, but my family and I were planning on having dinner there tonight. FML

By FattyMcFatFace

1826

244

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

39680

2070

Today, I was taking a warm shower when someone in my house flushed the toilet, making the shower extremely hot. In my rush to get out so I wouldn't get burned, I slipped and knocked a tooth out. FML

By soccercrazed1520 - France

35183

4356

Today, my friends and I were going to do an ugly sweater photo shoot. When we met up, one of them was wearing a sweater I gave on her birthday. FML

By ravlol - United States

30347

10529

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate when she pulled me in close and whispered in my ear, "We're getting Chips Ahoy after this." I came. FML

By youngsamoo92 - United States - Houston

11476

2919

Today, my friend asked me if she could borrow my laptop and I can pick it up later and I said ok. I stop by her house later and no one answers. The next-door neighbor says that she left to go live with her mom. She lives in Detroit. I live in Maine. FML

By Myriam - United States

69176

10501

Today, my boyfriend was holding my hair back while I threw up. The smell then reached him and caused him to throw up in my hair. FML

By kady - United States

34842

6610

Today, I was in a restroom sitting on the toilet, when the guy right next to me noticed my AC/DC boxers around my ankles and started to sing "Back in Black." FML

By sofargone420 - United States

29539

10487

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

By Alicia - United States

32185

6270

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

By dumbass

38254

3720

Today, my 8-year-old niece corrected my spelling via text message. FML

By Anonymous - United States

9323

36276

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

By Pee.H.D - United States - Fontana

14743

7169