Intimacy: Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew... - FML

By spaceavery - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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Serious times

Out of it

Messed up

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. After intense searching I finally found it and put it on. It wasn't mine. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

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By Walter_Sobchak7

Today, while at work, a sneeze snuck up on me. Ever sneeze so violently your fake tooth shoots into the cubicle across from you? FML

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By MySistersDogisStupid

Today, I took mine and my sister's dog for a walk in the park near my house. The dog managed to find a large piece of rotting, frozen meat buried in the snow and tried to eat it. I had to pry it from his mouth and can't get the smell out of my gloves and coat. FML

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By Human fly - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, I put up one of those hanging fly catchers in my room due to the unsettling amount of flies in the house. I remarked how stupid flies were to land on them. Within an hour, I got up and walked straight into it. FML

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By jessefonsexy. - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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By Yocherrypicker

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

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By Lily - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer complained that one of our cashiers smiles too much. FML

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By Lin - United States

Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. FML

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By great 1st impression - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML

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By textraped - United States

Today, I jokingly had kinky conversation via text message with a good guy friend. He was pretending to be a stranger and was fishing for compliments and asked to have a foursome. Turns out, my friend lost his phone and I spent 2 hours talking to a pervert about what lingerie I was wearing. FML

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By SmellyLeg

Today, my bike slipped on ice and I slid spectacularly for several meters. While my helmet saved me from a cracked skull, nothing could protect me from landing leg-first in the dog poop somebody hadn't bothered to pick up. I had to go to school like that. FML

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By MadameM - United States

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

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By sarahhh - United States

Today, I got my boyfriend a pair of concert tickets for his birthday. He loved the gift, but turned to me and said "Do I have to bring you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Corner Brook

Today, my boyfriend gave me lingerie from Victoria's Secret. He then added that his mother picked it out. FML

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By mishie1 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By Meghan Elise

Today, I found that there were charges of almost 2,000 dollars on my bank account. Some asshole in Florida stole my money. I have bills and that was money I saved to buy myself a new car. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 14:01 - Colombia

Thanks mom

Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML

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By mocass’1 - France

Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

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By ewewew - United States

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

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By Emily - 5/4/2021 20:00 - United States - Greenville

Not you, her

Today, I told the guy I liked about my feelings, and he says, "Sorry I don’t like you, but can I get your sister's number?" FML

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By nerdywaitress - United States - Greensboro

Everyday sexism

Today, I started training as a bartender. My very first client told me how his wife is sleeping with her sister's husband. He then told me that all the women he knows only want sex, and asked me why "we" were like that. He could be my dad. FML

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By IDIOT - United States

Today, a would-be customer practically kicked my store door in, then got pissed and started throwing around insults after I told him that we were still closed, hence the closed sign. He claimed the sign was "confusing". FML

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By Party Pooper - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

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By buxton1 - United States - Ramona

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

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By Cherrish it - United States - Carmichael

Today, a girl told me she stopped eating cherries ever since her father choked on one when she was a kid. She later mentioned that she doesn't like to drive. I sarcastically asked, "Did your dad choke on a car too?" Nope, her two brothers died in a car accident. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Halifax

Today, I finally found out why my husband is always so eager and happy to buy me whatever I am craving during my pregnancy. It's because it gives him an excuse to meet up with his mistress and have a quickie. FML

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By preggersmcgee - United States - Nixa

Today, I finally found a cute dress that hugged my curves and hid my imperfections. I wore it to my friend's house, and was feeling pretty good about myself, until some pregnant woman walked into the room wearing the exact same thing. It was a maternity dress. FML

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By Anizzaf - United States

Today, I picked up my cat and it went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML

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By lizard - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandparents for the first time. When my boyfriend introduced us, his grandfather smiled at me, took my hand, and said in the most polite voice, "Wow, you're not nearly as pretty as he described you." FML

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By Anonymous

Am I even here?

Today, I got written up at work for not cleaning up the breakfast area, and because multiple guests complained how sloppy and messy it looked. I'm on lockdown in a completely different country. FML

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By csully - France

Today, I made some popcorn. Returning to the kitchen a couple of minutes later, I realized I was supposed to put a cover on the saucepan. FML

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By rejected - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I thought I was finally over my anxiety problem, and confidently went to my first ever job interview. Halfway through, the manager tells me that if I didn't stop being so nervous, he couldn't give me the job. I cried. FML

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By rockefoe - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe." I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. FML

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By J. Homen - United States

Today, the girl I thought I was dating got into a fight with me over the phone. She did this because she bet her boyfriend that she could make me cry on FaceTime. She won the bet. FML

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Top comments

By cacheson | 41

#6695020 - Sunday 25 September 2016 10:06

Wow, blowing loads from both ends. That's really... a skill... that a person probably should not have...

By SofaKing619 | 13

#6695010 - Sunday 25 September 2016 9:52

Damn that's nasty

COMMENTS

By SofaKing619 | 13

#6695010 - Sunday 25 September 2016 9:52

Damn that's nasty

By Harshie | 10

#6695012 - Sunday 25 September 2016 9:54

Could be worse, he could've blown his load on your face

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6695015 - Sunday 25 September 2016 9:57

Cum on guys, that's snot even remotely funny.

*ready to receive the flak that OP's husband received for blowing it with his wife

By cacheson | 41

#6695020 - Sunday 25 September 2016 10:06

Wow, blowing loads from both ends. That's really... a skill... that a person probably should not have...

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6695232 - Sunday 25 September 2016 21:28

I mean, it could be coming from all three ends. luckily, it would be really hard for this to happen and geometrically, it would be hard to cum in someone, shoot snot, and shit on someone at the same time. Sorry for the mental image.

Reply

justinb97 | 16

#6695348 - Monday 26 September 2016 3:46

Geometrically?

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#6695021 - Sunday 25 September 2016 10:12

Moneysnot!

By TXfmylifer | 10

#6695036 - Sunday 25 September 2016 11:33

Doesn't matter, had sex.

By Lillysar91 | 20

#6695044 - Sunday 25 September 2016 12:08

Headshot!

By stoopid1970 | 7

#6695070 - Sunday 25 September 2016 13:06

But the sex was good right ?

By whitnayfortooh | 29

#6695074 - Sunday 25 September 2016 13:11

kinky.

By jasonswife423 | 18

#6695122 - Sunday 25 September 2016 15:15

I would have vomited.