Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew... - FML

By spaceavery - 24/9/2016 04:53 - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Don't shoot the messenger

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By revalc - 16/8/2009 04:35 - Canada

Today, I'm having my housewarming party and had prepared food, drink and games for all the 19 confirmed guests on Facebook. I waited till 11 but nobody showed up. I checked Facebook again and realized I had accidentally put tomorrow as the party date. I have to work the whole day tomorrow. FML

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By arghh - 29/9/2009 09:43 - Australia

Today, I was on a tram and I noticed an older lady having trouble getting down the stairs. I immediately got up to help her, dropping my bag on the seat accidentally. As I went to get back on the tram, the doors closed. FML

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By nitwit - 8/9/2009 12:29 - Greece

Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML

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By ugheffmylife - 9/5/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I was playing with my phone and turned it on lock mode. I changed my lock code a few months ago, so that no one would be able to guess it. Turns out I can't guess it either. FML

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By ALL PRAISE TO THE NIGHT MOTHER - 29/1/2016 21:19 - United States - East Greenbush

Today, my girlfriend lost one of her rings. I found this out as I overheard her gushing to her friend about how I must have borrowed it to find out what her ring size is. I have zero interest whatsoever in the sick and utterly immoral institution of marriage. FML

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By Ticklish - 13/4/2014 09:33 - United States - Marion

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is so obsessed with tickling me that my body has developed a conditioned response. Now I flinch every time he touches me, no matter what we're doing. FML

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By whyyyyyme - 4/8/2015 01:43 - Canada

Today, I also needed to add, "Does not currently live in a psychiatric hospital, after being declared 'Not criminally responsible for a crime'" to my list of qualities that I want in a man. FML

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By frankfukhergood - 9/7/2009 05:49 - Canada

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2013 20:52 - Norway - Nesoddtangen

Today, I had an asthma attack while in bed with my boyfriend. He interrupted my desperate coughing only to tell me to shut up. He then rolled over to go back to sleep. FML

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By KillMeNow - 6/6/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

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By TrashGirl - 24/6/2018 01:30

Today, for our 8th wedding anniversary I gave my husband several well-thought-out gifts. He gave me divorce papers. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML

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By Cirese Summerrose - 21/9/2019 18:00

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out I have herpes. I'm 9 months pregnant and have only been with my husband. It just so happens that our roommate just got over herpes. I thought they were just spending time together, bonding. FML

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By Oh man... - 1/8/2017 06:30 - Australia - Perth

Doggy Wants A Bone

Today, I began my ritual of my afternoon wank. As I was about to finish, I noticed my dog staring at me from across the room. We shared a longboard stare as I came, and I can't look him in the eyes the same way. FML

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By Sleep Walking - 23/1/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By WasntMe - 17/7/2013 23:15 - United States

Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

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By 5220 - 21/4/2009 13:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving back to college. He broke up with me 2 hours into the 3 hour drive. I had to sit in the car with him for the last hour. FML

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By hatemyjob - 23/6/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

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By not picking up - 20/3/2015 17:50 - Slovenia - Zelimlje

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML

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By ew - 3/8/2014 18:49 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I painted my nails in the car. After I finished, I stuck my hands out the window to let them dry. When I pulled my hands back in there were live bugs stuck in my nail polish. FML

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By filipkm - 28/4/2016 22:04 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I learned that you should always check the inside of your guitar to avoid a snake bite. Nope, strings don't help. FML

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By Jennifer - 20/1/2016 19:20 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

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By anonymous - 12/2/2011 05:48 - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

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By shibs - 19/12/2015 14:30 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2019 16:06

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I started to put my hands down his pants and jokingly said, "Sorry, I'm not very good at hand jobs." He replied, "I know." FML

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By mackamuir - 1/4/2016 13:01 - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my roommate played a crazy April Fool's joke on me by not paying his rent this month. Good one. FML

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By JoblessandStupid - 14/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I got pissed and tried to storm out of work, only to get outside and realize I couldn't because I'd let my coworker borrow my car for lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 17:08 - United States - Fresno

Today, I was eating a corndog, when my boyfriend jokingly told me to "take it deeper". I did, and ended up choking and throwing up all over the table. FML

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By ohmygosh - 21/7/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally asked a one-armed man which arm he wanted me to take blood from. He asked for a different nurse. FML

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By moetplease - 3/5/2012 16:32 - Singapore

Today, my grandma moved in with us. Along with her 36-year-old boyfriend that none of us knew about. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2015 16:56 - Netherlands - Gennep

Today, I was in a hot tub at a public sauna. After chatting with a friendly couple, I decided to go get some lunch. I was halfway out of the water when the man started laughing and said he'd thought I was a woman. I am. FML

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By Ash_U - 19/8/2017 16:00

Today, I had to dig through my dog's poop again because I thought I saw a worm, but it was just the remains of the paper towels my husband leaves all over the house. My efforts to make them both stop have obviously fallen on deaf ears. FML

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By sharni88 - 4/3/2011 07:13 - Australia

Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote "thanks hippo" instead of "thanks heaps". To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML

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By Innocent - 18/8/2016 23:03 - New Zealand

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

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By well okay then - 20/5/2013 16:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2014 03:29 - United States - University Park

Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I had gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student there. This happens all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

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By "breemonster" - 20/12/2018 16:00

Today, I got an email notification. I opened up my email, and found m4m craigslist add responses. My boyfriend used my phone to login to his email yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 05:00

Extreme drying

Today, I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer. Apparently, one of the pillows was memory foam, which I was not aware of. It caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room. FML

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By Kpotassium - 19/12/2016 21:58 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

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Top comments

By cacheson | 41

#6695020 - Sunday 25 September 2016 10:06

Wow, blowing loads from both ends. That's really... a skill... that a person probably should not have...

By SofaKing619 | 13

#6695010 - Sunday 25 September 2016 9:52

Damn that's nasty

Comments

By SofaKing619 | 13

#6695010 - Sunday 25 September 2016 9:52

Damn that's nasty

By Harshie | 10

#6695012 - Sunday 25 September 2016 9:54

Could be worse, he could've blown his load on your face

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6695015 - Sunday 25 September 2016 9:57

Cum on guys, that's snot even remotely funny.

*ready to receive the flak that OP's husband received for blowing it with his wife

By cacheson | 41

#6695020 - Sunday 25 September 2016 10:06

Wow, blowing loads from both ends. That's really... a skill... that a person probably should not have...

Reply

tantanpanda | 26

#6695232 - Sunday 25 September 2016 21:28

I mean, it could be coming from all three ends. luckily, it would be really hard for this to happen and geometrically, it would be hard to cum in someone, shoot snot, and shit on someone at the same time. Sorry for the mental image.

Reply

justinb97 | 16

#6695348 - Monday 26 September 2016 3:46

Geometrically?

By RpiesSPIES | 27

#6695021 - Sunday 25 September 2016 10:12

Moneysnot!

By TXfmylifer | 10

#6695036 - Sunday 25 September 2016 11:33

Doesn't matter, had sex.

By Lillysar91 | 19

#6695044 - Sunday 25 September 2016 12:08

Headshot!

By stoopid1970 | 7

#6695070 - Sunday 25 September 2016 13:06

But the sex was good right ?

By whitnayfortooh | 29

#6695074 - Sunday 25 September 2016 13:11

kinky.

By jasonswife423 | 18

#6695122 - Sunday 25 September 2016 15:15

I would have vomited.