By ThatIsNotIt - 24/1/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Underperforming

Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

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2131

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Intimacy

Sex

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Dementia or hate? You decide

Can we be friends?

By nick - United States - Palm Desert

Today, was my daughter's birthday. I didn't know I had a daughter. FML

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31419

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12578

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By momma - Canada - Toronto

Today, while getting ready to welcome my first child into the world, my father in law decided to "help out" and threw out a bunch of papers I needed. Like my child's application for a health card, social insurance number, and my birth plan, as well as instructions from my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50907

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By Blueberry - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was showering at my dorm. I had my clothes locked in a locker and my towel and robe hanging outside the stall. Someone took off with my towel and robe, which had my keys. I had to walk down three flights of stairs to get an extra key in nothing but a plastic shower curtain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25042

You deserved it

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By How can you f*** up that bad!? - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Saudi end of the internet, and it was awful…

Today, I was unable to connect to the Internet. After calling support, I was informed that due to a cut cable, the whole country will have no service from that provider for some time. The. Whole. Country. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6546

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467

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By grossed out - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, my friend asked to borrow my new laptop to email his college professor. When he returned it, it had a virus on it, and I had to fish out two pubic hairs that were sticking out between the keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42546

You deserved it

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By MakeItMaaco - United States

Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML

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29850

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By layout - United States

Today, while laying out, I kept feeling something misty, like a spray bottle. Curious as to what it was since it kept coming, I looked up, only to see the painters were peeing over the side of the house, and the heavy breeze was turning their piss into a refreshing mist for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63783

You deserved it

4046

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By xX-SaD-FaCe-Xx - Singapore

Today, the woman I love told me she cared about me and didn't like me hurting myself. She then posted a picture of herself making-out with her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27825

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5773

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20765

You deserved it

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By amiadori - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks

88439

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By ScandinaviaBacon

Creepy Uncle Dave

Today, I returned from my year-long vacation to Brazil, having lost a lot of weight and feeling better about my self-confidence. When I met my uncle at the airport, I greeted him with a friendly hug. I was greeted by his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2642

You deserved it

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By ehxtraordinarily pissed - United States - Coweta

Today, my Canadian friend is staying a few days at my parents' house. I drove him from the airport, only to find my idiot dad had decked the spare room out with maple syrup bottles. He keeps saying "eh" all the time and asked "What's he so upset aboot?" when my friend was offended. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34891

You deserved it

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By onebadwave - United States

Today, I thought it would be a smart idea to walk out on the pier while the waves were 6 feet tall. I was having fun getting "splashed" by the waves crashing over until one wave knocked me over and dragged me 20 feet across the hard concrete pier. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11601

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By human torch - United States

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59362

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6314

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By emegemerald - United States

Today, I went to visit my great grandma. I saw that her dog had this red fluid on his ear, so I asked my grandma about it. She said she put red finger nail-polish in his ear so she could tell the difference between 'all' of her dogs. She only has one dog. FML

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33671

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By wellthisisawkward80 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34532

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By StiffPvtParts

Today, after a night of drinking, I awoke in the early hours of the morning to a sight of my roommate playing with my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2082

You deserved it

278

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By dillon - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I watched a Youtube video about artists who ripped off other artist's songs. All of the bands that were accused of stealing were all bands that I really enjoy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39257

You deserved it

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By Anizzaf - United States

Today, I picked up my cat and it went wild because I didn't know he was sleeping. I ended with with several cuts, and one on my wrist. Later a kid in my high school saw my wrist and told my guidance counselor who told my parents. Now everyone thinks I'm either a liar, attention whore, or emo. FML

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30172

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By WhatADickens

The early bird gets the worm!

Today, after working on my novel for two years, I found out that another book has recently been published with an almost identical plot. I was going to submit it to a publisher in two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4689

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373

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By boredwithnothingtodo - Australia - Melbourne

Simple Pleasures

Today, I got a new washer and dryer set. It's sad when all you have to do at night is make popcorn and watch the clothes washing. I even invited friends over. FML

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1269

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By Chris - United States - House Springs

Today, my wife and I went to our friend's house to play some pool. While playing, a Cicada started to fly towards my face, so I flipped my pool stick over and swatted at it with the fat end of the stick. I hit the bug. However, with the skinny side I hit myself in the snow-globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10189

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

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25874

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By lil_munchkinjen - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34373

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By noooooooo - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

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44470

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By Lanthane - France - Bordeaux

Today, after living for a while with my husband and our cat, I'm still not sure which of the two leaves the most hairs strewn around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17293

You deserved it

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By stop it ninja - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, while I was using my computer, my cat ran up to the power strip, looked me in the eyes, and hit the power switch, turning everything off. She does this quite often. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28489

You deserved it

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By charma - United States

Today, my daughter was telling everyone at her elementry school about my gay partner. Yes, I have a gay partner. He is my work partner and he happens to be gay. FML

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59060

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By jingle - United States - Wilmington

Today, I got fired from my job at a weight-loss center because I was too skinny, and apparently it's too depressing for the customers to handle. FML

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29320

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By pissed_off_girl - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to proof-read a terrible paper containing a bunch of mistakes. It took me 4 hours and I didn't eat dinner until I was done. His response when he got it back was, "What the fuck did you do to my paper?! You bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37564

You deserved it

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By FuckingDone - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14026

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Maryville

Today, my wife and I were watching a football game. While someone was about to score, she started screaming, "Go!" and "Come on! You can do it! Go baby, go!" My first thought was that I wished I could still make her scream like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58819

You deserved it

12636

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By fear - 17/12/2020 00:02 - United States - Denver

CIA-level batshittery

Today, an angry customer from my old job and punched me in the face before screaming; “You thought you’d seen the last of me?” I moved seven states over and she followed me here just to do that. FML

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1088

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By Bad Child?

Today, as I was brushing my teeth, I heard my mum praying to God to help her "get rid of such a stupid child". I have no idea what I've done wrong, and she's refused to talk to me all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5718

You deserved it

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By Username

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34968

You deserved it

5707

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By cali - United States

Today, I had just finished writing my rough draft essay, so I went to sit by the pond. A giant moth suddenly flew down and attacked me, causing me to drop my binder in the pond, ruining the essay. I discovered in the aftermath that the moth was actually a leaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12846

You deserved it

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By Fatnotpregnant

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4093

You deserved it

1239

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By gatorhead - United States

Today, while eating lunch, one of my friends told a joke that made everyone at the table laugh. Apparently, the guy standing behind me overheard and was laughing too. So much in fact that he spewed the red Gatorade he was drinking all over the back of my white shirt and hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30380

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my way to the break room, it seemed as if everyone was staring at me and giving me odd looks. I asked my friend, "Did I get prettier overnight or something?" She answered, "No, your shirt is just see-through." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11505

You deserved it

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By oldskoolfun - United States - Warminster

Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

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20334

You deserved it

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Top comments

By geddafah kowdah deway | 3

#7966764 - Sunday 24 January 2021 6:01

sounds like your life literally does suck -- and you should stop doing it until he's beyond willing to reciprocate

By Nakomai | 17

#7966765 - Sunday 24 January 2021 6:04

I'm not sure he's 100% into women.

COMMENTS

By geddafah kowdah deway | 3

#7966764 - Sunday 24 January 2021 6:01

sounds like your life literally does suck -- and you should stop doing it until he's beyond willing to reciprocate

By Nakomai | 17

#7966765 - Sunday 24 January 2021 6:04

I'm not sure he's 100% into women.

By princess_stabitty | 18

#7966780 - Sunday 24 January 2021 10:01

Well, next time you should just about lick him for a minute, and then give up, if he becomes at least remotely hard.

By Warp1978 | 13

#7966796 - Sunday 24 January 2021 11:53

NO BLOW JOBS FOR YOU!

By Chazzster | 20

#7966819 - Sunday 24 January 2021 15:03

Mid session is not the best time to quit and ask him to reciprocate. Either before or after would be better - You probably have more leverage before and it’s less frustrating than quitting in the middle.

arioch_fml | 20

#7966825 - Sunday 24 January 2021 15:39

Definitely not a good time, but it's probably not the first time Op has asked either. and honestly, if he's that reluctant he might not even bother before or after anyways.