Love: Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would... - FML

By blushingbride - 09/02/2014 21:59 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 302

You deserved it 4 424

Best teeth in the game

Know your equipment

Spooky

By Anonymous - 10/12/2018 22:00

Today I had a narrow escape with a nailgun that nailed my workboot to the floor but luckily missed my foot. After I calmed down and changed boots I returned to the nailgun, started working again and barely 30 seconds later I managed to nail my thumb to a piece of wood. Man, I'm bad at my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 317

You deserved it 1 196

By Johannes_712 - 05/07/2019 12:00

Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 586

You deserved it 547

By give me an F - 05/01/2014 16:16 - United Kingdom - Corby

Today, was my first day as a male cheerleader in an attempt to flirt. The girls were stronger than me and it's now my job to be thrown in the air by girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 643

You deserved it 37 436

Nice mental image

By Maggie - 17/03/2020 17:00

Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 302

By Bad Parent - 23/05/2011 11:58

Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 062

You deserved it 4 464

By black and yellow - 21/01/2013 06:32 - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 767

You deserved it 45 634

By Anonymous - 11/09/2015 10:51 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, while blissfully unaware that it was the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, I was making paper airplanes during my free period in school. Next thing I know, I was reported for, "making jokes about the 9/11 attacks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 402

You deserved it 8 833

By spleg - 16/12/2010 12:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that the painful eczema I get every winter was actually being caused by the moisturising cream I use to treat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 348

You deserved it 4 300

Legal Eagle

By Anonymous - 29/11/2021 05:01

Today, I followed my daughter and found out she wasn’t with friends, she was on a date. I confronted her about the lie, but she takes after her mother, a lawyer, and steamrollered over me about invading her privacy, so even though she lied, she somehow has the moral high ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 2 334

By ZAS - 18/04/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 558

You deserved it 6 248

By Anonymous - 02/04/2017 16:00

Today, I confronted my lousy, loud, messy neighbors about the trash they throw in my yard. They responded by throwing my trash in their yard, then called the police to report me for vandalism and illegal dumping when I returned their trash. Guess who has a court appearance in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 722

You deserved it 395

By Anonymous - 16/08/2015 15:22 - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 094

You deserved it 1 762

By FromNL - 25/03/2011 12:22 - Netherlands

Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 757

You deserved it 6 614

By Elizabeh - 08/11/2009 22:38 - Canada

Today, I fell down a set of stairs while going into my basement. With a horrible pain in my left leg, I called out to my boyfriend to help me. Apparently a commercial about grass was more important. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 648

You deserved it 3 855

By hiccups - 03/11/2012 15:52 - United States - New York

Spicy

Today, I had my first orgasm. I also came to the realization that whenever I orgasm I get an uncontrollable case of hiccups for at least half an hour afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 838

You deserved it 3 633

My ears!

By epistaxis - 02/02/2009 00:43 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I'm staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 300

You deserved it 2 630

By batter--up - 17/02/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, in a sporting goods store, my mom was over on the other side of the store, when a cute guy came over to talk to me. When she saw this she grabbed a bat, walked over to us and said, "If you ever even look at my daughter again, I will beat you shitless." She was serious. He ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 431

You deserved it 2 676

By Optimist - 04/08/2009 08:26 - Canada

Today, I found out I have an option on my phone to postpone the sending of my text messages. I thought it would be cute to send my boyfriend texts saying, " I love you and sweet dreams" every night at midnight for a month. He broke up with me and I can't figure out how to stop the texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 779

You deserved it 25 897

Grown-ass man

By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 23:01 - United States - Southfield

Today, my mom got angry that I moved stuff in the freezer, and banned me from even opening it in future. I’m in my 30s, I fought in Iraq and Afghanistan, and now I've lost freezer privileges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 079

You deserved it 174

By brooke - 21/03/2012 17:12 - United States - Kissimmee

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 165

You deserved it 69 296

By phonebaby - 18/11/2014 01:04 - United States - Stamford

Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he gets nervous on phones. I called a chinese restaurant, only to get nervous and hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 528

You deserved it 7 610

By boom - 17/03/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 075

You deserved it 3 753

Mysterious

By Wifewithquestions - 26/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I found male enhancers hidden in the back of the car, which I'm assuming are my husband's, but we haven't been having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 590

You deserved it 337

By Mr IT - 24/11/2009 01:47 - Sweden

Today, the company offering the job position that I've been applying for called me up. I wasn't there to answer so they got redirected to my voice mail in which I'm acting like a drunk David Hasselhoff chewing on a cheeseburger. They called me 5 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 746

You deserved it 43 011

By anon - 28/09/2015 03:27 - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 927

You deserved it 2 711

By Anonymous - 07/05/2009 19:11 - Italy

Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129 064

You deserved it 6 543

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 03:44 - United States

Today, I covered for my friend at work because he said he was having car troubles and was going to be late. Two hours into the shift, I got a call from my roommate asking why my girlfriend had moved out. Turns out, I'd covered my friend's shift so he could help my girlfriend move out behind my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 041

You deserved it 3 262

By wtfdad - 16/11/2014 05:29 - United States - Little Silver

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 140

You deserved it 4 220

By Anonymous - 05/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I was on a plane with my grandma. A cute guy sat down next to her. She asked his age. He told her he was 16. She said, "Oh, that's how old my granddaughter here is." She then turned to me and said loudly, "You should switch seats with me, he's HOT!" Well, at least Grandma loves me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 161

You deserved it 6 231

By jimmy - 30/11/2015 21:27 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 918

You deserved it 2 455

By nickname - 14/09/2009 09:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a birthday party and got my face rubbed in with a cake. When I came out of the restroom having washed my face I noticed one of the girls going in. Just to be nice I asked, "They put cake on your face too, did they?" She said no, that was just her make-up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 922

You deserved it 35 181

By secondchild - 12/07/2019 14:00

Today, my parents spent more time, money and effort on my boyfriend's birthday present than they ever have on any of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 493

You deserved it 157

By loserface - 23/02/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 227

You deserved it 36 588

By Anonymous - 22/09/2012 23:49 - United States - Eudora

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend has a three day break from work. This would be great if he hadn't just told me he's having a Guild Wars 2 marathon. Now all I have to look forward to is slow wifi and anguished screams every time his character dies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 941

You deserved it 3 114

Thanks, I hate it

By Matt L. - 30/07/2020 14:02

Today, my car insurance called about "the car I hit" on Monday night. Monday, I'd gone to the girl I’ve been seeing for a month's house for chicken parm and to meet her parents. I parked on the street. Her dad ran into the back of my car, leaving a dent. I never got the chicken parm either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 686

You deserved it 124

By Hotdamn - 21/03/2016 04:32 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and steamy in the shower, until I slipped and fell backwards into the shower curtain, which caused me to hit the back of my head on the toilet seat, and the bar of the shower curtain to land on my throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 979

You deserved it 3 118

By Anonymous - 19/06/2009 16:39 - United States

Today, I was walking to work and saw three guys sitting at a table outside. One of the guys looks at me and says to his friends, "That's the girl that works at the grocery store. She replaced the hot chick." The other two guys glared at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 810

You deserved it 3 517

By BustedEgo - 23/03/2014 05:31 - United States - Norway

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 692

You deserved it 7 295

By Anonymous - 05/03/2011 06:07 - Canada

Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 538

You deserved it 11 351

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 11:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, finishing up in the shower room, I walked into the kitchen to get a drink. Apparently both bathrooms were occupied and my grandmother really had to go... She was bent over in the kitchen peeing into a cup. I may never be able to erase this image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 743

You deserved it 2 691

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Top comments

adamo_erebus 26

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Monday 10 February 2014 9:20

At least he cleared it out of his nose before it ended up in your mouth? :D

bjhhjh 20

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Monday 10 February 2014 9:21

He wanted to be his cleanest for you

Comments

adamo_erebus 26

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2014 9:20

At least he cleared it out of his nose before it ended up in your mouth? :D

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2014 9:51

that thought... gross...

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2014 10:31

The OP's name is "blushingbride". Does that mean he did it at their wedding alter? Because that could change everything.

Queen_bee1234 21

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Monday 10 February 2014 12:20

Shmurr...

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:35

We should start connecting everyone's username with their fml

bjhhjh 20

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Monday 10 February 2014 9:21

He wanted to be his cleanest for you

frozen92_fml 12

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Monday 10 February 2014 11:48

Now that's love

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2014 9:22

Oh the joys of marriage? :/

rapunzel3416 28

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Monday 10 February 2014 9:22

He wanted to make sure he could breathe through his nose so he could use his mouth for a better purpose.

naxeeb 33

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Monday 10 February 2014 9:22

Well, better out than on your face!! Or maybe he wanted to be able to breathe properly?

rachelottavia 16

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Monday 10 February 2014 9:23

What a gentleman. Pick and flick?

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2014 9:23

Disgusting... but did he stick it in his mouth?

warsun 27

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Monday 10 February 2014 9:35

If he did then OP would of said that too :/

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2014 9:25

He needs to learn what his priorities should be

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2014 17:22

she needs to learn priorities and i bet more than half of you saying eww are pickers too most everyone does it its a human thing there are many many girls that pick their noses too but won't admit it

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Tuesday 11 February 2014 19:56

Get a tissue and blow your nose... don't just shove your finger in your nostrils. That's gross.

MrAsquared100 14

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Monday 10 February 2014 9:27

oh that's snot very nice...

jellybeens_fml 16

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:28

Using puns are like flipping coins, sometimes people love 'em, other times people wanna murder you every hour

MrAsquared100 14

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Tuesday 11 February 2014 19:25

this time I'm glad I'm not dead :') your profile pic btw is amusing.

Send a private message

Monday 10 February 2014 9:28

Trying to get you some gold by digging for it! *badum tiss*!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 48

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 532

You deserved it 146

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 47