Today while at my job as a store clerk, I walked by a family....

By Nish - 3/7/2013 08:11 - United States - Kent

Today while at my job as a store clerk, I walked by a family. I smiled at their little boy, who responded by flipping me off. As I was walking away, I looked back in time to catch his dad give him a high-five. FML

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Kids

Whatthefuckaburger

Everyone's an expert

Get me away from here, I'm dying

By Tay - 17/2/2012 01:29 - Australia

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

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By William Johnson - 26/12/2013 23:57 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went on a 70-mile drive to the next town over to finally meet this beautiful girl I had talked to online. To my surprise, she looked exactly how she did in her pictures, minus the ring on her finger and the fiancé who wanted to punch me in the face. FML

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By anonymous - 16/2/2015 12:57 - Australia - Rockdale

Today, I received a bunch of flowers from my 'lover'. This would be fine except that I don't have a lover, and my boyfriend now thinks I'm cheating. FML

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By lostvideo - 24/8/2010 07:25 - Israel

Today, I realized that I hadn't seen my video camera in a while. After searching for several minutes in my room, I remembered that I had given it to my dad to hide before our month long trip (so even if someone broke into the house the video camera would be safe). He's forgotten where he hid it. FML

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By DepressedKid - 1/10/2010 11:31 - Canada

Today, I found out that no one actually likes me as a friend. They only like me to get answers for school work. How did I find out? They were talking about it in front of me. Apparently I'm also invisible to them. FML

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By LizzyJones - 20/8/2013 17:38 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

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By Ellwood - 22/4/2013 00:27 - United States

Today, my mother met my sister's boyfriend for the first time. As we talked about it later over dinner she said she didn't like him. When I asked why, she paused for a second and said, "Well, he really reminds me of you." FML

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By Jolene - 26/12/2012 14:32 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend breaking things off with me. He waited until the day after Christmas because he wanted all his presents. And he got me nothing. FML

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By icarlymom - 5/3/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, my 18 year old daughter comes home telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had ICarly happy meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2015 17:39 - Qatar - Doha

Today, my boss' incompetent, lazy son got another raise. He only started working here five months ago. Since then he's been promoted twice and given a Bentley as a company car. All this while company profits are in the shitter and the rest of us are facing a wave of layoffs. FML

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By imeanreallytho - 11/9/2015 16:20 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom at work. The lock on the stall door broke, and I couldn't open it. I was all alone and I started having a mini panic attack. After several minutes of frantically trying to fix the lock and hyperventilating, I realized I could just crawl under the door. FML

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By coloneltushfinger - 12/6/2019 16:00

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By Anon - 8/3/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

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By YuckyDuckyLucky - 3/6/2015 17:36 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

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By Ohfman117 - 11/8/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML

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By exfishowner - 27/1/2019 12:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter put her grow-in-water salamander in my fish tank. The residue from the toy gummed up the filter and killed all the fish. FML

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By fine - 28/2/2015 05:22 - United States - Danvers

Today, after struggling for over a year with it, and now having it medically confirmed, I told my step-dad about my depression. He gave me a disgusted look and scoffed, "Toughen up, cunt." FML

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By roselysunset - 29/7/2015 17:07 - United States - Cypress

Today, I came home to find my mom drunk. She asked me for a hug and then started crying, "Where's my daughter?" I'm her daughter. And her only child, as far as I know. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my girlfriend. The waitress came up and asked for her number, then asked if she had a significant other. I laughed as my girlfriend gave the waitress her number. They're going on a date, tonight. FML

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By fuckmyliiiiiiife - 1/5/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2012 18:20 - United States

Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML

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By 34_22_34 - 28/7/2010 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

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By Username - 3/1/2011 11:40

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

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By misc - 8/2/2009 02:31 - United States

Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML

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By Lovejunkie - 1/3/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

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By LifeSucks - 29/10/2008 11:57 - Canada

Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML

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By Angel - 22/6/2015 02:16 - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

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By Dirtyswede - 17/6/2009 14:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. FML

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By anonymous - 19/8/2013 05:41 - United States - Lamar

Today, I found my dad drunk, sitting on the bathroom floor crying. When I asked him why, he said, "My son is gay." I'm his only child, and I'm a girl. FML

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By grossew - 26/6/2019 07:00

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By desperate905 - 21/2/2012 08:10 - Netherlands

Today, I set my alarm half-an-hour earlier so I could masturbate. That's how horny and single I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2012 20:33 - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

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By Bad Mum? - 31/3/2019 23:00 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my eldest son told me he wishes he lived with his dad. This after I, two years ago, managed to get myself and my children out of the abusive situation we were in. Why? He didn't want to tidy his toys. FML

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By Octobre - 7/3/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

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By young grandpa - 17/6/2013 22:49 - United States - Statham

Today, I found out I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm 29, my son is 13 and the girl in question is 16. FML

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By PiaNO - 10/11/2009 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML

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By LassieToe - 30/3/2012 03:48 - Australia

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

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By ugh - 4/7/2016 17:26 - United States - Milford

Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML

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By W...T...F - 9/8/2013 16:15 - United States

Today, I found the carcass of the frog that got into my house last week. It was a horrifying sight, but not nearly as horrifying as the fact that I found it in my refrigerator. No, I don't know how it got in there either. FML

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By Annonmyus - 3/12/2010 08:56

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

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Top comments

By rg350dx | 29

#5563948 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:24

Wel,l you know what they say. The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the douchebag tree.

By biggestfan23 | 11

#5563949 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:24

I hate this world

COMMENTS

By flashback.miss | 28

#5563946 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:23

Should've faked charging at him. What happened to cordial respect? The father seems more the type to reward bratty behavior.

lopsop | 12

#5564038 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 17:10

I don't think charging at a little kid is respectful either.

goose12321 | 11

#5564072 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 17:36

#39 Why respect a fucktard kid that has no respect for anyone? The kid needs a good belting, not a high 5.

By rg350dx | 29

#5563948 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:24

Wel,l you know what they say. The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the douchebag tree.

rg350dx | 29

#5563959 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:27

Wel,l...

Yeah, that's definitely a word.

Iamevil123 | 16

#5563980 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:36

Technically, it's "well" spelt wrong and a random "I".

MzZombicidal | 36

#5563984 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:38

Actually it's just a misplaced comma in the word "well."

Iamevil123 | 16

#5563993 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:43

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

rg350dx | 29

#5564014 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:56

The only thing that matters is it's a glaring grammatical error and around these parts, that's pretty much a death sentence. So cue the burying, you judgmental bastards you.

Kefka91 | 15

#5564054 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 17:19

Dudes, it was a minor typo, not a grammatical error, and you still understood what he said, so get over yourselves.

BjgUsername | 12

#5564723 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 23:57

Dont worrys so much 34, you's gots good grammer

fymother | 13

#5565054 - Thursday 4 July 2013 4:44

USA! USA! USA!

legendxs | 18

#5565207 - Thursday 4 July 2013 8:08

Hahahah nicely put.

By biggestfan23 | 11

#5563949 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:24

I hate this world

Pwn17 | 25

#5563962 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:28

Join the club man. I hate it too.

rg350dx | 29

#5563965 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:29

Only if you guys have jackets.

perdix | 29

#5564168 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 18:42

#13, do you know how much it costs to get "Misanthropes United" embroidered on a jacket? Hint: It will give you a reason to hate the world even more!

Axipiter | 24

#5564352 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 19:53

There's a philanthropist looking for people to apply for a one way trip to colonize Mars. I suggest you make a submission video.

technochik3 | 12

#5564412 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 20:21

#58, technically mars is a part of this same world. earth is not a world, it is a planet. So saying you hate this world means you hate mars too.

By roro_superloser | 13

#5563951 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:24

Should've flipped him off back!

Iamevil123 | 16

#5563983 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:38

And lower yourself to the level of a young child? I don't think so...

FlyingLeumer | 19

#5564135 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 18:25

Seriously, the maturity levels of some people scares me.

roro_superloser | 13

#5565164 - Thursday 4 July 2013 7:10

I think so! They're not kids anymore. They're the devils sprawn.

By StiffPvtParts | 43

#5563952 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:25

Like father, like son --_--

xiaodoggiie | 5

#5564429 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 20:35

Why was this comment thumbed down? The father was probably an ass and hence taught his son to be one.

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#5563953 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:25

Kids these days..

By Huddisher | 10

#5563956 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:26

Great parenting.

Dempsey_xoxo | 7

#5564025 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 17:05

Why is #7 getting thumbed down? Or am I the only one that took it as sarcasm?

By rob02 | 19

#5563958 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:27

HAHA, that's funny

Iamevil123 | 16

#5563981 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:37

Your comment however, is not.

rob02 | 19

#5564010 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:54

So?

ZeroPath5 | 16

#5564355 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 19:54

We come to FML for witty comments! Not your opinion! Shame! :/

By darwinism | 30

#5563960 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:27

walk past the kid and slip something in his pocket. When he walks out security will get him for shoplifting. The watch as the father high fives the back of his head. Evil, but it could bring a little satisfaction.

By Jemm_fml | 29

#5563961 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 16:28

I hope he high fives him when he gets older and realizes his son is a loser whose made a total mess of his life and can't communicate with society without being a total asshole.