Work: Today, walking to work in a snowstorm since I don't own a car,...

By likwidsol - United States

Today, walking to work in a snowstorm since I don't own a car, a man rolled down his window and screamed, "what are you doing you f***ing freak? you stupid b**ch!", while I waited for a green light to cross. FML

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Work

The smell detective is on the case

Keep the peace

No smoking

By ElemTeacher

Today, a student's parent yelled at me because they had to pay for school equipment their son had stolen from my desk. Apparently, it's my fault because the item was just too tempting for him not to steal. FML

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By WetWalking - United States - Tyler

Today, I was walking by the side of the interstate because my car broke down. A nice young man stopped and asked if I was tired of walking. I said yes, to which he replied, "Try jogging asshole" then laughed and drove off. It was raining balls. FML

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By ihavepinkbackpac - United States

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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By jennabee97 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By Anonymous

Just a question

Today while I was about to go into the shower, my mom walked in on me while I was naked. She looked down and asked me if I was cold. FML

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By esb - Canada

Today, I finally had sex with this great guy I've been seeing. I thought I'd found a catch. We get into his room, start kissing, and things heat up. Everything is perfect until he reaches under his bed, pulls out a doughnut and shoves it into my mouth, snarling, "eat it, eat it!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

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By c-mack - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I worked 4 hours for a huge mail call to get all the troops their Christmas mail. And just like every other mail call I did not receive one package or letter. FML

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By cmzraxsn - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

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By imy - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

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By tuck87 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

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By Cultus

Today, I went into the tanning room at work, where the lady in there last had decided the trash can was a toilet and pooped in it. Before she sat, she took the time to wrap the edges in paper towels, I guess in case anyone else had done this before her. I had to clean it up. FML

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By idiotfucks - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was hanging out with my friends, and we got the idea to do some improv comedy together for a laugh. Barely two minutes into our fake political debate, everyone had apparently forgotten it was all a joke. Raging ensued, and a vicious fight quickly followed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

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By You must be joking

Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he'd been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we're being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There's enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML

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By justwow - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

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By Braxam - United States

Today, I was walking to class, when a kid came up behind me and smacked me in the face a few times until I fell to the ground. I rolled over and he said, "Oh shit! Wrong person, my bad." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Stay classy

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By Well... fuck me sideways and call me Eustace - United States - Riverside

Today, on my way to work, I hit a pothole about the size of Alabama, bending my wheel and flattening my tire. After changing it and having to explain myself to my furious boss, I went back on that road in my other car to take a picture of the pothole. While looking for it, I hit it again. FML

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By me - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

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By Anonymous

Someone's getting coal from Santa...

Today, my nephew stabbed me in the knee with a colouring pencil. The hospital says he ripped a hole in a tendon and I need surgery to fix it or one day it'll snap. I’ll have a limp for the rest of my life. FML

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By Catherine - United States

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems. The nurse was helping my mom fill out the paperwork. When asked for her employer, my mom started trying to sell the nurse Aflac, and got into a serious 10 minute conversation about it, all while I'm going blind in my left eye. FML

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By akvan - 30/10/2020 06:01 - Canada - Toronto

Sounds lovely

Today, my coworker, who keeps calling me Mexican even though she knows I'm not, is telling everyone that I act like a bitch to our boss, even though she's the one who is always contradicting and fighting with her, and I always try to keep everything professional. No other jobs are calling me back. FML

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By sofakingweetodit - United States

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

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By ReboundGrl - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was really happy because the guy I've been on a few dates with wanted to take pictures with me. I thought it'd meant that he really liked me, but it turns out he just wanted them so he could post them online and make his ex-girlfriend jealous. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 14:01

All kinds of wrong

Today, while at my friend's house, she had to leave the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I had "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. Then he left. I'm a gay guy. FML

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By underemployed - United States

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

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By jinxofsocal - United States

Today, was my boyfriend's birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

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By catlady5569 - United States

Today, my sister came over for a visit. I was going to surprise her with the news that I had spontaneously gotten a cat. The first thing she told me when she came in was that she ran over my neighbor's cat. None of my neighbors have cats. FML

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By JaneDoe - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

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By heatproblems - United States

Today, I can't get my heat to turn off. It is currently 87 degrees Fahrenheit in my house, and my heat is running non-stop. It's about 20 degrees outside with over a foot of snow on the ground, so a repairman can't come out to fix it. My electricity bill will be about $1000. FML

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By coffee - United States

Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML

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By ThreeMoreYears

Jesus, take the wheel

Today, during my religion class, my instructor decided to use the state of the class's cars as a metaphor for our relationship with God. When I told him my car had been totalled in an accident last week, he yelled at me for being an "agent of Satan." One class down, 59 to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kenosha

Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML

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By Bibi

Today, I went to my little brother's high school to speak to his counselor about his grades. On my way to the office, the office manager threatened to write me up for ditching class and told me that high school is not like middle school, 9th grade will be different. I graduated 5 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - India - New Delhi

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

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By rileynautumn - United States

Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents' house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Whittier

Today, I realized how truly insecure I really am, when the guy in the show I'm watching looked straight into the camera and I immediately looked away. FML

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Top comments

By Brozain | 0

#5995 - Monday 23 February 2009 22:17

Pssh, what an ass.

By favabean05 | 0

#56648 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 2:04

I'd have thrown a snowball at him. What an asshole.

COMMENTS

By Brozain | 0

#5995 - Monday 23 February 2009 22:17

Pssh, what an ass.

By 0___0 | 9

#12497 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 11:07

lolololol @ Acid

By carnal_deviance | 0

#41336 - Thursday 19 March 2009 0:10

jol @ the fucktard who said "lolololol @ Acid" XD
you're fuckin retarded XD :D
[and no, i didn't misspell "lol" i said jol. . .suck it. . .don't know what it means? then you're stupid XD]