By Me - 03/06/2013 05:32 - United States - Homer Glen
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OP didn't have to tell her it was her own daughter. When my great aunt had Alzheimer's, she'd ask my grandmother everyday where her husband was. My grandmother never told her he was dead; she told her he was at work. It was less painful for everyone. That's common practice with Alzheimer's patients. OP could have made up any name on Earth.
@70: While it may have been less painful, OP still doesn't deserve being told they deserve it. While the truth was incredibly painful, there are some people who cannot handle telling lies like that. (I would feel guilty for weeks if I lied about a persons death, even if it was to spare a person from feeling depressed)
It's not the same as telling a lie. The thing with dementia diseases is that the brain starts to waste away, so to speak (can't really think of a good explanation), and the memory's from long ago start to become the current events for these people. Telling them, EVERYDAY, that what they know is not reality is very exhausting, very hard for the patients as well and quite useless anyway. Because within hours, they could've forgotten it again and so they will have to learn over and over again that certain people are dead and that things are not as they think they are. How would you feel if you had to deal with the message that your partner died, 3 times a day, and like it is the first time you heard it? Therefor it is a commonly used accompaniment style which is easier for the care takers and nicer for the patient.
People are probably clicking YDI because OP shouldn't have told her who the funeral was really for. Personally I don't think that's a good reason to say YDI, but I do think it would have been kinder for OP to say it was just an acquaintance rather than needlessly upsetting her grandmother, since she'll just forget again anyway.
As horrible as that might have been to explain, at least you know she won't remember it for very long.
Or, they could just not tell her again. (After the funeral is over of course.) When she asks, "Where's Anna?" They could just say, "She went to the store, Grandma. She'll be back in a few hours." I'm not trying to be funny here. I'm just saying that it would probably be better for her to live in blissful ignorance than to have to deal with the shock of losing her daughter every day and never being able to get over it because her daughter's death is always news to her.
That's what we had to do with my nanny in the months before she died. Her husband had passed away about 20 years ago but she couldn't remember that and was constantly asking for him. After the first few times of telling the truth and having her break into heartbroken sobbing fits, we realized it was kinder for everyone to just say he went to work or the store and he'd be back soon.
My father suffers from Alzheimer's. I wish my empathy could further surpass my experience, but I can understand how difficult it must have been for her not to have remembered the death of her daughter and horrible for you to have to re-break the news. My condolences.
This just happened to my boyfriend's grandma. She has Alzheimers also and her and her husband were in the nursing home, in the same room and everything when her husband died. The day of the funeral, she asked us where he was at and we had to explain everything to her again. She ended up attending the funeral for about 10 minutes before we had to take her back to the nursing home. So heartbreaking. So sorry for your loss OP.
How do fmls like these get any ydis? "YDI for not shoving your grandmother and running for the exit"??? It does suck OP and I'm sorry for your loss.