Animals: Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 612

09/10/2015 18:54

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 22 834

You deserved it 2 659

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

The smell detective is on the case

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

07/12/2013 14:55

Spicy

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 775

You deserved it 20 643

21/11/2012 05:42

Today, I went to the Apple store to try and figure out what's going on with my iPhone. After an hour of speaking to three different geniuses and waiting around, their solution was to "Google it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 823

You deserved it 3 938

02/07/2012 12:36

Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 299

You deserved it 4 086

16/12/2010 14:35

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 374

You deserved it 4 525

05/11/2018 12:00

Today, I had to get a urine analysis done for my doctor. I take medicine that makes me a little shaky sometimes. Guess who spilled their pee all over themselves while trying to put the lid on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 779

You deserved it 202

05/01/2010 07:16

Spicy

Today, I learned that my boyfriend waits 'til I am asleep to wack off to porn on the internet. We haven't had sex in months because he doesn't want to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 939

You deserved it 3 805

01/06/2018 05:00

Today, I came home to a completely trashed house and just stood there in shock until I heard something upstairs. I ran to heroically catch the robber and, despite being a 4'10" woman, I did it! How? The fat fuck got stuck in my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 447

You deserved it 261

22/11/2016 11:47

Today, my relationship with my family is so bad that when someone burst into my house without ringing the doorbell, my first assumption was, "Oh God I hope it's not my mum visiting!" rather than, "Oh God, it's a burglar!" It was actually my mother-in-law, and I was truly relieved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 620

You deserved it 939

16/04/2010 12:34

Today, I wrapped a towel around my waist so I could take a dump while using my laptop. I sat on the toilet seat and let a big load go. Turns out I forgot to unwrap the towel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 537

You deserved it 70 456

09/08/2009 07:31

Today, as a joke, my friends and I decided to put me in a dress and makeup, to creep out a friend. I'm a guy. I'm not sure which is worse, the fact that I so willingly volunteered to wear the dress and the makeup, or the fact that I thought it was comfy and made me look slim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 728

You deserved it 54 289

15/10/2011 06:58

Today, I saw an unbelievably cute guy. He caught my eye and began to walk towards me. I adjusted myself and flashed him a smile. He came up to me, smiled back, and said "Hi, do you have a minute for gay rights?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 435

You deserved it 8 343

08/01/2010 07:56

Today, I was watching Star Wars : Attack of the Clones, and Yoda was using the force to move a heavy object. While in the middle of my loungeroom, I instinctively put my hand up to use the force to help him, infront of my father and sister. My sister will never let me live it down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 099

You deserved it 39 789

07/02/2010 17:41

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 887

You deserved it 3 578

15/05/2013 20:12

Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 403

You deserved it 3 325

Pranks are terrible

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 23:01

Today, my sister threw my water bottle as a joke. When I stepped off the bleachers, my right foot lost its footing and my other foot followed. Now I have two sprained ankles at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 569

You deserved it 45

25/12/2016 17:50

Today, it's been 2 months since I broke up with my boyfriend. He's been texting me every time he found a bobby pin at his house that belonged to me, saying we should both see it as a sign of us belonging together. If he keeps this up every time he finds one, the texts will probably never stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 011

You deserved it 843

10/05/2015 15:35

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 391

You deserved it 6 852

The opposite of a good idea

By gorokhan2 - 27/04/2020 17:00

Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 4 166

24/01/2014 21:02

Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 44 933

You deserved it 3 587

17/03/2016 04:56

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 824

You deserved it 2 372

Foot in mouth

By oopsjsp90 - 25/09/2021 18:08

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh… That's actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 371

You deserved it 8 654

26/09/2015 05:06

Today, while on my first ever date, I ordered a really hot curry, hoping to impress my date. "Yeah," I said smoothly, "not everyone can handle spicy food." When I took a bite, my eyes watered, my mouth burned, and I had to plead for water in between moaning like a dying baboon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 504

You deserved it 33 264

Porn, comment

By zAstonish - 28/11/2019 14:00

Spicy

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 984

You deserved it 2 463

03/01/2011 04:14

Today, my husband's old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 486

You deserved it 3 883

12/02/2010 00:47

Today, I found out the crappy shampoo I've been borrowing from my girlfriend is actually "feminine wash." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 704

You deserved it 33 219

15/05/2017 18:00

Today, I turned 21 and had a huge party because I could finally drink legally. Got arrested for public intoxication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 295

You deserved it 6 285

Salad days

By Anonymous - 19/01/2017 08:28

Today, I saw a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then put it back on the shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 533

You deserved it 763

15/10/2010 13:03

Today, I was supposed to present a speech on diabetes. The girl who went first chose the same subject, knowing I'm diabetic and that it was my topic. I went last, so I had to change half of my speech on the spot. I sounded ignorant about my own illness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 981

You deserved it 6 510

25/07/2012 06:14

Today, I took a picture of myself seductively eating an apple. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 076

You deserved it 29 176

02/12/2014 17:02

Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 424

You deserved it 31 368

11/11/2018 05:00

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 553

You deserved it 207

03/01/2010 17:11

Today, I was making myself lunch. I love cooking, and often, I pretend I'm on the Food Network. I started to slice some tomatoes rapidly, which, turns out, was a big mistake; I sliced my thumb open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 218

You deserved it 35 499

15/06/2012 09:43

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 749

You deserved it 51 616

06/08/2018 00:00

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 116

You deserved it 1 066

Subjective

By whyyyyy - 17/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, after months of dating, I finally saw my boyfriend naked. Turns out he has a micropenis. I assured him that I like him for who he was and that we could explore other things. He said no, because oral and sex toys are "immoral." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 924

You deserved it 296

30/10/2009 02:00

Today, I found my checking and savings account to both read $0.00. My parents transferred all my money to theirs because "I'm irresponsible, and not fit to handle money." I'm a 3.8 college student and have a full-time job. They are currently unemployed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 753

You deserved it 3 870

Low key

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 08:01

Today, my family is placing bets on my being pregnant. I'm experiencing a very painful miscarriage and no one knows. I didn't want to eat a pre-made gas station salad when I visited for lunch and apparently the only explanation could be pregnancy, not that I didn't want to die from food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 012

You deserved it 67

11/10/2012 05:56

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 594

You deserved it 2 491

03/01/2010 00:35

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 522

You deserved it 2 534

10/08/2011 17:00

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 353

You deserved it 2 818

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:56

Cats always know...

steelersfan501 17

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:53

I think your cat deserves a reward!!

Comments

steelersfan501 17

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:53

I think your cat deserves a reward!!

incoherentrmblr 21

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Saturday 10 October 2015 16:49

Deserves Cat Nip indeed...

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:54

Oh my gosh! I am melissaphobic (phobia of bees) so I would have freaked out. FYL

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Saturday 10 October 2015 17:41

Not a clue why your comment was down-voted.

askullnamedbilly 33

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Saturday 10 October 2015 18:04

I guess it is being downvoted because anyone would've freaked out at a surprise wasp, so it's pretty unnecessary to point out that a person with a phobia would've done so as well.

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Saturday 10 October 2015 20:21

It sounds like you're afraid of people named Melissa.

tamesenicole 27

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:54

Sick!!!! Mine used to chase dogs out of the yard

TonierShadow 19

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:56

At least it wasn't the bees

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:58

The bees! Not the bees!

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:56

Good hunter Unlike many lazy cats

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:56

Cats always know...

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Saturday 10 October 2015 14:57

You should be proud of your kitty, he's trying to protect you.

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Saturday 10 October 2015 15:00

How big are we talking. *gulps*

pjsr 32

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Saturday 10 October 2015 15:03

Why wouldn't you assume there was something there? A cat doesn't normally launch random attacks on household objects that are always there.

aimbug 42

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Saturday 10 October 2015 21:50

Mine do.

individual00 14

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Sunday 11 October 2015 12:50

Mine does as well. She especially likes attacking the edge of the rug, but there's never anything underneath.

Calingaladha 21

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Saturday 10 October 2015 15:09

So, basically the worst thing you could find under anything.

anythingrandom 23

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Saturday 10 October 2015 16:14

could have been a spider.

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Saturday 10 October 2015 17:26

or a corpse.

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Saturday 10 October 2015 20:22

Well that escalated quickly.

Calingaladha 21

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Saturday 10 October 2015 21:15

I like spiders. A corpse would be pretty bad.