Intimacy: Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked... - FML

By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 13:07 - United States - Watchung

Spicy

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 529

You deserved it 22 295

Broken heart

Hiding from the drama

Footloose

By explodingpupppet - 30/09/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, after a month of searching, I found a perfect apartment which I rented out for the next few months. The rent was inexpensive and the place was close to my job. Turns out, my 'perfect' new apartment overlooks a nudist community. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 521

You deserved it 36 848

Mind your own business

By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 12:00

Today, I heard a man call a girl a r*tard. Furious, I stormed up to him and demanded he apologize for using such a vile slur. The girl started laughing her ass off and said, "Mind your own business, r*tard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 2 971

By doodlecrzyMeg - 04/02/2016 18:56 - United States - Mattoon

Today, I had to hide in the closet all morning because my 22-year-old boyfriend didn't want to admit to his parents that he had his girlfriend stay the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 582

You deserved it 4 231

By Msrebound - 21/12/2017 19:00

Today, even my 11-year-old noticed how much my boyfriend constantly reminisces about his ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 820

You deserved it 586

By Anonymous - 26/01/2017 00:00

Spicy

Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 164

You deserved it 1 533

By Radbaby - 12/10/2018 03:00

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 003

You deserved it 153

By oops - 22/08/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 506

You deserved it 50 573

By Morgan - 03/02/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, my friend's son asked me how much coke costs in this place. I told him, "About a dollar?" He said, "Wow, that's really cheap for blow." He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 408

You deserved it 3 041

Lobbied

By not taking those! - 06/10/2020 23:07 - United States

Today, I called my insurance company begging for a new doctor. All my current one does is prescribe antidepressants for everything. Migraines? AD! Dizziness? AD! Birth control? AD! I’ve been having rough periods and I’m pretty sure she’s just trying to push pills to bill us more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 207

You deserved it 79

By Anonymous - 11/06/2019 06:00

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 287

By regrettably well rested - 14/05/2017 16:00 - United States - Clearfield

Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 374

You deserved it 1 915

By cam96 - 15/10/2017 13:00

Today, I woke up early and rushed to work to get to our first weekly safety meeting. I was the only one that remembered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 312

You deserved it 275

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 634

You deserved it 12 704

By today - 17/03/2010 06:12

Spicy

Today, I put on some goggles on in the pool, only to go underwater and see an old man "discreetly" jerking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 969

You deserved it 4 388

By smidge - 02/06/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 481

You deserved it 2 618

By MusicLover18 - 03/09/2014 23:35 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I caught my little sister taking a selfie in the mirror with a fake nose piercing, peace sign, and a duck face. She's 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 523

You deserved it 4 213

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 08:52 - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 306

You deserved it 5 664

By Anonymous - 02/03/2010 21:16 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 201

You deserved it 2 668

By tkoester - 29/08/2015 04:29 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a phone call letting me know my grandmother was arrested for trying to light my grandpa on fire. She's now in jail, asking for bail money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 910

You deserved it 1 553

By Chumpee - 08/06/2016 17:17 - United States - Akron

Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 712

You deserved it 931

By Anonymous - 25/04/2012 14:33 - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 460

You deserved it 2 708

Live Laugh Love

By ihatewalmart - 29/06/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, while at work, I saw a kid empty his bladder all over the floor. His mother walked over, looked at me, said, "Yep… that just happened," and dragged him away. I'm a 30-year-old man, four credits shy of a Master's, stuck cleaning up piss at a dead-end job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 977

You deserved it 3 186

By smoothmove - 26/06/2011 04:29 - United States

Today, I sprained my knee while going down on one knee to propose to my girlfriend. She laughed as I rolled in pain. I still haven't gotten an answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 689

You deserved it 4 741

By Shone - 15/04/2012 23:39 - Canada - Grand Forks

Today, I had to get stitches on my foot and was then forced to wear a plastic bag on my foot while showering. The plastic bag made me slip in the shower and had to go back and get stitches in my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 651

You deserved it 3 828

By cheekymac - 09/06/2010 15:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the airport baggage collection when I saw an old man struggling to get his very old and heavy suitcase off the belt before giving up. I had already collected my bag, but wanting to be helpful, the old man watched me as I grabbed his handle, yanked and snapped it clean off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 022

You deserved it 5 755

By matchristityler - 09/02/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 578

You deserved it 4 338

Intruders!

By wtf babe? - 29/06/2020 14:02

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 221

You deserved it 119

By hungry - 12/02/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 608

You deserved it 3 485

By PizzaBoySwag - 04/06/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 125 631

By Anonymous - 16/09/2009 05:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 140

You deserved it 5 596

By wtfrelationship - 21/10/2009 04:07 - Singapore

Today, I told my girlfriend over MSN that we had to talk. I log on to facebook and the first thing I see is that she changed our relationship from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 569

You deserved it 11 426

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

By 552220000 - 14/06/2019 22:00

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 353

You deserved it 490

Alright bruv'?

By zetuga055 - 15/10/2021 14:00

Today, like I do once a week, I put my bins out to be collected. I was woken up in the early hours by a drunk lad outside, claiming he was desperate for a waz. The sound of him pissing in my food waste bin will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 68

By Anonymous - 24/07/2014 09:05 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 635

You deserved it 8 874

By Anonymous - 24/07/2015 17:59 - Northern Mariana Islands - Saipan

Today, I was telling 3 classmates on Whatsapp about my depression. One of them told me to "nut up n grow a pear." Two hours after we mocked him for being an illiterate jackass, one of us has had our car tires knifed and another's house has been egged. I'm terrified of what will happen to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 715

You deserved it 5 305

Where's my anvil?

By Anonymous - 17/03/2021 14:02

Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 81

By Andrew - 02/01/2014 23:49 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 031

You deserved it 8 547

By sexyfreak2510 - 03/09/2009 06:47 - South Africa

Today, at my bachelorette party, I got so wasted, I ended up giving my stripper a lap dance because he "wasn't doing it properly". There's photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 273

You deserved it 51 774

By Anonymous - 28/01/2010 11:00 - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 470

You deserved it 30 121

By maggie - 30/11/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 689

You deserved it 8 845

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Sunday 30 November 2014 23:56

Dont ask, dont tell...

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Sunday 30 November 2014 23:57

You sorta had that comin haha

Comments

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Sunday 30 November 2014 23:56

Dont ask, dont tell...

incoherentrmblr 21

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Monday 1 December 2014 14:00

Well, you live in New Jersey, so, you know...

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Monday 1 December 2014 23:59

She could have said that she is practicing with him so often. It may be hurtful to say something like this when already married. Marriage is a new beginning, everything before has to be forgotten.

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Tuesday 2 December 2014 10:35

Did she mean six guys today, or six guys ever?....

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Sunday 30 November 2014 23:57

You sorta had that comin haha

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Monday 1 December 2014 1:10

he had that cumming*

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Monday 1 December 2014 1:40

No SHE had it cumming. Give credit where credit is due.

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Sunday 30 November 2014 23:57

Never ask about experience. You won't like the answer.

onlychildFTW 33

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Monday 1 December 2014 10:21

It's true, practice makes perfect. Just when it comes to sex, never ask how one got so good. There can only be one answer.

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Friday 13 May 2016 12:57

Heh, I think some guys go into relationships expecting virgins who have no idea what they're doing. It applies not just to sex: sometimes, you have deduced the answer to something, but still know it's better off not asking, because it leads to stupid bullshit.

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Sunday 30 November 2014 23:59

you shouldn't of asked....

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Monday 1 December 2014 1:28

I've never seen so many people type "of" instead of "have" until I got onto this site. It's baffling! Some people have to go back to grammar school.

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Monday 1 December 2014 4:43

You're and your is so much worse..

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Monday 1 December 2014 5:24

utterly agreed ！it is of great help for guys learning English like me ，correct spell ，plz

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Monday 1 December 2014 9:11

#35: Oh Portal 2, how I miss thee!

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Monday 1 December 2014 0:03

Kind of one of those things that you don't ask questions about and just enjoy the fact that someone is sucking your dick

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Monday 1 December 2014 1:12

you are male, assuming you're straight, what if another guy just jumped on your dick? would you still live by your advice?

Chaith 16

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Monday 1 December 2014 2:19

Well, he sure wouldn't be asking about the guy's credentials, so, his point stands. Lol.

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Monday 1 December 2014 0:03

Aaaaaaand... now you know.

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Monday 1 December 2014 0:03

Why would you ask a question like that without expecting an answer you wouldnt like?

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Monday 1 December 2014 0:04

wife-1 you-0

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Monday 1 December 2014 0:11

Correction wife: 7(including him) Husband: 1 since he is still getting a blowy!

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 1 December 2014 2:24

isn't there a fairytale about 7 in one blow

Mr_Duckingbergh 13

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Monday 1 December 2014 0:07

To be completely honest 6 guys isn't that much. I have heard of 20 etc. But not to mention you did ask and hey at least she's honest.

Mimi12589_fml 10

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Monday 1 December 2014 7:45

Yeah, unless she used the rule of 3 meaning she actually practiced on about 15 guys ! Which seems even fairer to me :p

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Monday 1 December 2014 22:15

would actually be around 18, you multiply by 3 lol

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Monday 1 December 2014 0:07

in the same day or life time.?

CoGhostRider 31

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Monday 1 December 2014 1:02

Don't ask, doesn't matter

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Monday 1 December 2014 1:19

"In a row??!!"

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 81

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 44