Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked...

By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 13:07 - United States - Watchung

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

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Intimacy

No one likes a smart-ass

Don't shoot the messenger

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent ages looking for a parking space at the mall. I saw a couple walking out of the mall and decided to follow them and take their space when they left. After following them for a good ten minutes, I realised they were heading to the bus stop. FML

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By queenbee12345678 - 19/2/2012 19:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally left my cell phone at the restaurant. When I realized my mistake, I went back to see if anyone had found it. They said no, so I gave them my number to call if it turned up. I realized later that I'd given them my cell phone number. FML

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By ineedalifekay - 24/5/2009 06:43 - Canada

Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I created an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

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By "burnuptowndow" - 30/9/2017 01:30

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

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By I shaved my legs for this - 2/8/2018 01:30

Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML

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By vomitgirl - 28/4/2015 05:24 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift at work, I started to feel really sick and started throwing up. While I had my head in a bag, I had several customers ask me for directions and another customer abuse me for my lack of service. FML

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By Herdad - 30/7/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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By YoshiSqu4d - 22/5/2019 04:00

Today, my father told me I was becoming violent because of the video games I play. I was playing Minecraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, in the middle of the store, my daughter pointed at my belly and loudly announced that she was going to have a brother. I'm a man, and apparently I need to lose weight. FML

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By BFFN - 14/4/2016 15:36 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my best friend told me she no longer wants an "active friendship" with me. She says she doesn't have time to see me, since she has a boyfriend and a bunch of friends she's spent years bitching to me about. We've gone from a 14 year friendship to awkwardly nodding at each other in the street. FML

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By Adopted - 14/6/2016 21:22

Today, my mom realized that the "door" part in "screen door" doesn't block sound when she began to talk to our neighbours about how much of a failure I am. I heard everything. FML

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By Cano951 - 16/12/2011 20:16 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By svsksosnns - 11/5/2016 03:59 - United States - Olympia

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

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By Rothaar - 26/1/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

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By AOart1st - 21/11/2014 03:25 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 02:47 - United States

Today, my school is having their homecoming, and it seems everyone but me has someone to go with. My best friend has her boyfriend, my brother has a date, and I have my hamster. FML

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By Killme - 13/7/2016 02:10

Today, as a birthday present, my friends threw a surprise party for me. I was so surprised, I pissed myself in front of everyone, including my crush. FML

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By motorboatofdoom - 30/3/2020 05:00

Nice way to go, really

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

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By dammitrain - 13/7/2010 19:43 - United States

Today, hoping to avoid the rain because I had just gotten an expensive perm, I ducked under an awning. At that moment, the store manager shook the awning, and about 6 hours of rain dumped on my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 07:11 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 02:00

Phished

Today, I found out that I'm completely and utterly head over heels in love with a man who, as it turns out, doesn't actually exist. Thank you, the internet. FML

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By rejecteddd - 4/7/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By belly the jelly - 30/10/2017 21:00

A job well done.

Today, I asked my husband to deal with the very large spider in our kitchen. Rather than a newspaper or a slipper, he went after it with an aerosol can and a lighter. The spider is now dead, but so are the wall and cupboards in my kitchen. FML

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By nerdygirl101 - 13/3/2010 05:27 - United States

Today, I woke up in pajamas I have never seen before. Usually, I sleep naked, and I live alone in a locked apartment. Then, the elderly woman next door asked for her nightgown back. Apparently, I sleep-walked and knocked on all the doors in my hallway repeatedly. I'm moving. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2009 10:23 - Singapore

Today, I was playing hide and seek with my eight year old cousin. For the past two turns, he had been hiding in the bathroom. I saw the bathroom lights on, yet again, and opened the door with a triumphant "AHA!" It was my Grandma, taking a smelly dump. FML

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By Anonymity - 28/3/2009 03:15 - Canada

Today, my mother was vaccuming the stairs. Trying to be polite, I climbed over the banister to the floor above, so I wouldn't interrupt her. She looked at me odd and said, "I'm surprised that held your weight." The banister is maple and steel. FML

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By Silentshdw13 - 14/3/2016 23:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, after moving back in with my parents, I found out they had held on to a chunk of mail still being sent during the time I had been changing my old address. Included was a summons to jury duty. FML

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By SimpleSwimmer - 4/10/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, I applied for a job as a dishwasher. I was denied because I don't have enough experience. FML

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By Thanks everyone - 28/8/2013 22:35 - Australia - Gaythorne

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

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By Stoopid - 7/7/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me. FML

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By pubquizgenius - 27/1/2010 08:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a tense tiebreak round to win the local pub quiz. As the quizmaster read out more clues, I got the answer, got up and rushed to be the first team to the bar. I tripped, faceplanted. The whole bar laughed, and then I realized that it wasn't a "fastest to the bar" round. FML

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By ohdeardarling - 14/6/2009 13:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I went over to my boyfriends house with a few people. I drank too much wine and later when everyone else left I gave him head, deepthroating a little too enthusiastically, and puked all over his cock and bedsheets. Turns out, washing vomit out of your pubes kills the mood somewhat. FML

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By inheritance - 5/5/2015 14:44 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

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By ineedanewjob - 9/4/2009 00:34 - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Pasadena

Today, after having to call in a noise complaint about my downstairs neighbors talking loud past midnight, the managers fixed the problem. Now all I can hear is two little girls who like to throw a basketball at the building for hours. FML

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By Ethan - 17/10/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I got lost trying to find the hospital my sister was giving birth in. I stopped at a store to call my mom for directions. A cop pulled up beside me and knocked loudly on my window asking me to get out. The store had been robbed and I am now a suspect. FML

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By SM - 30/10/2009 03:35 - United States

Today, at work one of my co-worker was oddly nice to me; and my boss, who usually always says hi to me, didn't look or speak to me. Later that day I found out that I was going to be fired, not because my boss told me but because my picture was missing from the wall of employees. FML

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Top comments

By Shemp_5 | 14

#6131319 - Sunday 30 November 2014 23:56

Dont ask, dont tell...

By ScottVining | 21

#6131320 - Sunday 30 November 2014 23:57

You sorta had that comin haha

Comments

By Shemp_5 | 14

#6131319 - Sunday 30 November 2014 23:56

Dont ask, dont tell...

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6131907 - Monday 1 December 2014 14:00

Well, you live in New Jersey, so, you know...

Senorangelo | 10

#6132394 - Monday 1 December 2014 23:59

She could have said that she is practicing with him so often. It may be hurtful to say something like this when already married. Marriage is a new beginning, everything before has to be forgotten.

Malahkaa | 19

#6132802 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 10:35

Did she mean six guys today, or six guys ever?....

By ScottVining | 21

#6131320 - Sunday 30 November 2014 23:57

You sorta had that comin haha

foxwasalamb | 24

#6131407 - Monday 1 December 2014 1:10

he had that cumming*

kurodansei | 16

#6131434 - Monday 1 December 2014 1:40

No SHE had it cumming. Give credit where credit is due.

By saba_ajira | 29

#6131321 - Sunday 30 November 2014 23:57

Never ask about experience. You won't like the answer.

onlychildFTW | 33

#6131807 - Monday 1 December 2014 10:21

It's true, practice makes perfect. Just when it comes to sex, never ask how one got so good. There can only be one answer.

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6604818 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:57

Heh, I think some guys go into relationships expecting virgins who have no idea what they're doing.

It applies not just to sex: sometimes, you have deduced the answer to something, but still know it's better off not asking, because it leads to stupid bullshit.