By Burst a Valve - Australia

#humblebrag

Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8461

You deserved it

2816

Tweet

Share

Instadrama

Late term

Broken bum

By distressed - Australia

Today, my boyfriend started his first day of work. After saying our goodbyes, I went into our bedroom to get changed, picked up one of my blouses and found a camera, still recording. I guess someone has major trust issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31388

You deserved it

4069

Tweet

Share

By mrsekko - United States

Today, my daughter called for me to come into the bathroom. Turns out the tummy ache she'd been complaining of was actually parasites in her digestive tract. I could swear they were looking at me from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41640

You deserved it

5256

Tweet

Share

By never again - United States - Bakersfield

A real orgasm

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I like, but I had to pee really bad. It got really wet down there, and he thought I squirted. I peed everywhere. I let him believe he made me squirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2240

You deserved it

671

Tweet

Share

By bloodless - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I went for bloodwork. It's routine for me, so I was ready for the nurse to put in the needle and take my blood. It went in fine, but right after, she slowly pulled the needle out, then wondered why the blood stopped. She then moved it back and forth in my arm while I panicked silently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22195

You deserved it

1538

Tweet

Share

By vishurricanes - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

52750

You deserved it

3214

Tweet

Share

By Musicfan - United States

Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34597

You deserved it

4423

Tweet

Share

By footinmouth - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35726

You deserved it

13821

Tweet

Share

By jacques - Australia

Today, I ran into my ex's family, and found out they are going to Europe. Funnily enough, so am I. Even funnier is the fact that we are going on the same date, at the same time, on the same flights, and the tour starts on the same day in the same place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40950

You deserved it

3806

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Spearwood

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47854

You deserved it

3539

Tweet

Share

By cjd - Canada - Montreal

Today, in health class we were watching a documentary about anxiety. My teacher asked if any of us often feel anxious. I was too anxious to raise my hand, and went into a minor panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30329

You deserved it

4778

Tweet

Share

By screwed - United States

Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36440

You deserved it

4262

Tweet

Share

By Lovelysister - United States

Today, I texted my brother saying, "Always remember I love you! Never forget it!" to which he replied, "You better not be doing drugs." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29928

You deserved it

9721

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45959

You deserved it

31761

Tweet

Share

By screewit - United States

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

101483

You deserved it

4938

Tweet

Share

By squeak - United Kingdom

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34047

You deserved it

13925

Tweet

Share

By grannygirlfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36193

You deserved it

5060

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44805

You deserved it

5261

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22572

You deserved it

8299

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21549

You deserved it

66444

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41192

You deserved it

5882

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at work, I got chilli powder in my eye. Now not only do I have a swollen, blistered eye, but I am covered in milk as my boss assured me that would help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26998

You deserved it

2802

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I dove head-first underneath my garage door, narrowly missing both the sensor and the closing door, executing a perfect roll, and popping back up onto my feet unscathed. My smugness went through the floor as I remembered I'd left my keys back in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22982

You deserved it

15174

Tweet

Share

By maddie94 - Australia

Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12347

You deserved it

54411

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24028

You deserved it

6760

Tweet

Share

By Gentleman - United States

Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36119

You deserved it

3205

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 20:04

Midlife crisis

Today, the woman I've been dating for a while told me she wants to, "go back to day one of the relationship and just be friends first," but doesn’t want to break up or lose me, all because she’s having a midlife crisis. I was going to propose to her next month, I've already bought the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

981

You deserved it

83

Tweet

Share

By girly girly - United States - Keller

Today, at work, my friend dared me to answer the next call on my phone by saying, "This is your local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it." I did it. The person on the phone was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13153

You deserved it

46615

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Courtenay

Today, in a rush to get my clothes back on at my girlfriend's house at the sound of her parents opening the front door, I forgot to take the condom off. Her dad watched it fall out of my pant leg and onto the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21565

You deserved it

44323

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 23:01

Unwanted

Today, I found out that I was not invited to my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. I found out about it from my mom who lives out of state. I’m the only immediate family that would've been able to come. Due to coronavirus, I also missed my grandpa's 80th birthday. Guess I’m 2/2 this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1220

You deserved it

108

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31996

You deserved it

3155

Tweet

Share

By DemCherries - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my job as a police officer, I had to arrest my own girlfriend for having sex at Walmart. She tried to get me to let her out on the grounds of being "pretty" and dating me. She wants to continue the relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9077

You deserved it

542

Tweet

Share

By trainE - United States

Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so I ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When I went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22281

You deserved it

94356

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42080

You deserved it

3956

Tweet

Share

By Spec - United States

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52481

You deserved it

10148

Tweet

Share

By SunBed - 11/5/2020 17:00

Soaked

Today, I came home to my bed and most of my room soaking wet. This morning, my mom thought it would be "smart" to warm up my room by opening the skylight above my bed. There were heavy showers all day today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1627

You deserved it

93

Tweet

Share

By Awkward - United States - Redmond

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41869

You deserved it

14592

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I heard water splashing outside of my house; I investigated it, only to find my dad, whom I don't live with, syphoning gas out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39993

You deserved it

2961

Tweet

Share

By Ms Yeins - Belgium - Mechelen

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public toilet. When I threw away the used one and opened a new one, it turned out that it had no thread on it! I took another one out. Again, defective! It was the last one I had with me, and it was the second day of my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2052

You deserved it

162

Tweet

Share

By Chesty Larue - United States

Today, I got fired from my part-time job, because I insisted on keeping my phone in my pocket and never using it, instead of putting it in locker without a lock or security camera, that anyone can go through. The manager found out by searching my locker for the past 3 weeks. Ironic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28202

You deserved it

2360

Tweet

Share

By sucks4me - United States

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33201

You deserved it

16085

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Medikid123 | 16

#7416987 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:04

If you cannot have sex anymore due to recovery time, take the opportunity to find other ways to sexually please each other! Maybe toys or using other parts of your body (such as hands)! And good luck with the recovery!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7417036 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:18

When they say "bust a nut," they don't mean it so literally.

COMMENTS

By Leeono | 26

#7416334 - Saturday 25 February 2017 15:39

After a full week?! I'd be fucked!

Reply

ThePaperDragon | 31

#7416991 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:08

Well, that is what caused the issue.

By Medikid123 | 16

#7416987 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:04

If you cannot have sex anymore due to recovery time, take the opportunity to find other ways to sexually please each other! Maybe toys or using other parts of your body (such as hands)! And good luck with the recovery!

Reply

toaster87 | 19

#7417037 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:19

I don't think that'd be a good idea, it'd be extremely hard to pleasure his gf without getting an erection, and with a burst blood vessel his erection is what's causing him pain.

Reply

migmit | 11

#7417306 - Monday 27 February 2017 14:02

Honestly, I've misread it as "good lick" first. Which kinda made sense.

Reply

xDrakeNinja | 12

#7418998 - Thursday 2 March 2017 14:25

Well those are sure to pop a painful erection...

By IAmClay | 24

#7416993 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:11

I'd never end up with such good luck... other than the injury part

By bogolopian | 12

#7416994 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:12

I had a girlfriend like that once. After a couple of weeks I found myself hiding from her. Too much sex can be a problem.

By Jillene | 8

#7416995 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:15

Im suddenly horny. Lmao

Reply

alaina1104 | 11

#7416999 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:27

After a brief mention of sex and then a description of a burst blood vessel in the penis?

Reply

Nnzyb | 8

#7417004 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:44

Alaina, maybe Jillene is into that sort of thing.

By thisisthestupid | 18

#7417021 - Monday 27 February 2017 1:39

Then I'm surprised my fiancé hasn't had a blood vessel burst yet! We been doing it like 4 times a day for years!

Reply

GlennGuagmire | 20

#7417124 - Monday 27 February 2017 8:12

Keep in mind, ur partners parts dimensions may take a role in that

Reply

Talis99 | 26

#7417189 - Monday 27 February 2017 11:03

Don't believe thisisthestupid.

Still trying to figure out what Glenn said.

Reply

cornyrob | 33

#7417590 - Monday 27 February 2017 23:40

Anastasia Steele, is that you?

Reply

cornyrob | 33

#7417591 - Monday 27 February 2017 23:40

Anastasia Steele, is that you?

By Krovels | 10

#7417032 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:08

tfw someone out there is having too much sex and you can't even get a girl to look at you.

By Jillene | 8

#7417033 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:11

Calm down it was a joke. I mean SOMEONE was horny to have sex that often. Nothing wrong with being horny.

Reply

Arashikage | 18

#7417503 - Monday 27 February 2017 20:54

The word "I'm" refers to you

By RichardPencil | 29

#7417036 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:18

When they say "bust a nut," they don't mean it so literally.

By lemothelemon | 14

#7417060 - Monday 27 February 2017 4:37

I'm guessing you just moved in together