By Burst a Valve - 26/2/2017 18:00 - Australia

#humblebrag

Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML

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Superficial World

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

You snooze, you lose

By Marcowalker95 - 7/8/2012 04:16 - United States - Panorama City

Today, I was at a gas station when the cash register made a sound effect similar to one from Sonic the Hedgehog, and I pointed this out. The cashier then saw fit to go on a rant about how I need to stop focusing on video games, and get a life and a girlfriend. FML

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By neighbor - 26/1/2014 13:08 - Australia - Mosman

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2018 09:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 17:35 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my boss asked me if I had any special plans for Christmas. After I told him I was planning a trip to Canada, he snapped, "Well, you can forget it. I need you at the office." FML

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By poorhamster - 23/10/2010 06:22 - United States

Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML

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By DBR - 23/4/2009 10:45 - United States

Today, my alarm went off. I reached to swat it, missed, slipped, smacked my face on my dresser, and fell on the floor. As I picked myself up off the floor, I hit my head on the open top drawer of my other dresser. In 30 seconds of consciousness, I was attacked by two pieces of furniture. FML

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By uselessdad - 7/9/2010 23:48 - Singapore

Today, I came home to my wife crying. She had mixed up our newborn twin girls and couldn't tell which was which. I looked at the girls. Neither could I. FML

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By johnnyfuckfacer - 18/10/2012 19:40 - Canada - Concord

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversley impacting morale". FML

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By yayaimannoying - 9/3/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

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By cachow - 6/9/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled 'hello'. There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

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By sadday - 20/11/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping FML

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By Screwed - 1/5/2017 14:00

Today, I was informed that- despite an already skeletal staff- my supervisor is leaving the company. Tomorrow. FML

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By That'sMyBoy - 28/5/2017 00:00 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I put glue traps around my home to catch spiders. So far, the only thing dumb enough to get caught in one is my 10-year-old son. FML

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By cupcakemonsteryu - 8/2/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I found out that the man I met online was a fake Facebook account, made by my daughter and her friends. FML

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By lemonlime66 - 1/3/2017 22:00

Look Before You Leap

Today, while sitting in a busy store waiting area with my brother he went to the bathroom and came back with his hands cupped saying he found a mouse. He then threw it on the magazine in my lap. I jumped up screaming and flailing about while everyone stared and laughed. It was a piece of cotton. FML

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By unloved - 1/10/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

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By ouch - 11/12/2009 07:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was preparing for a huge party I've been looking forward to for months. I did all the usual things a girl should do, put on a facemask, painted my nails, exfoliated... I was feeling confident until I peeled off the facemask. I guess when it said "vibrant" what it meant was bright red. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2019 14:00

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when I got a new follow suggestion. I checked her feed, and found out it was my ex-fiancé’s newest fiancée. And he'd proposed to her using an $185 ring I'd bought myself for my birthday last year. FML

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By James - 8/2/2016 22:55 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, the power in my village went out. This caused the back-up battery powered alarm to go off. Nobody in the house even knew our alarm worked, let alone how to make it stop. It's been going off for over an hour now. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2016 07:16 - United States - Roscoe

Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML

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By bTOhno - 13/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

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By Greatgrandpa - 30/11/2014 17:29 - Curacao

Today, my only child introduced his new girlfriend to me. He is 36 and has no children. She is 46 and has a pregnant daughter who she is very close with. I don't know if I'll ever be a grandfather, but in any case, my son is going to be one before me. FML

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By sarah - 11/2/2012 06:36 - United States

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

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By Say Cheese - 22/8/2011 17:19 - United States

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

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By scammed - 29/8/2013 18:48 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out after spending my life's income on paying for my grandma's cancer treatment that she has been faking it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2013 07:17 - United States - San Pablo

Today, my fifteen year old son decided to tell his little five year old sister that Santa isn't real. She now refuses to talk to any of us and thinks "her whole life is a lie". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 19:08 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2018 15:00

Today, I came out as transgender to my extremely accepting and religious family over Facebook. My feed is currently flooded with plans for my exorcism. FML

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By JuggaloSlasher15 - 8/8/2013 23:03 - United States

Today, at the pool, a kid no older than 8 was sitting on the diving board, not letting anyone else use it. I went over and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. My uncle stormed over, said "I got this!" and punted him over the edge. We both got thrown out for "bullying" the kid. FML

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By lifesucksbigtimefuys - 4/12/2011 08:36 - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for years asked if I could be her "emergency gay friend". Worst part? I said yes. FML

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By zzdug - 8/2/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

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By Lolly - 12/9/2018 23:30

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

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By leaf hater - 17/11/2011 12:43 - United States

Today, my elderly neighbor used his snowblower to send all of the fallen leaves in his yard into mine, which I'd raked earlier that morning. FML

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By stillsingleladies - 17/2/2009 15:27 - United States

Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

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By fmylovelife - 27/6/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with roses. She surprised me by getting back together with her ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 17:27 - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2019 22:00

Today, my boyfriend just told me the picture of "him as a baby" was really his son. FML

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By jelrid - 13/7/2016 04:38 - United States - Holt

Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

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Top comments

By Medikid123 | 16

#7416987 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:04

If you cannot have sex anymore due to recovery time, take the opportunity to find other ways to sexually please each other! Maybe toys or using other parts of your body (such as hands)! And good luck with the recovery!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7417036 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:18

When they say "bust a nut," they don't mean it so literally.

Comments

By Leeono | 26

#7416334 - Saturday 25 February 2017 15:39

After a full week?! I'd be fucked!

Reply

ThePaperDragon | 31

#7416991 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:08

Well, that is what caused the issue.

By Medikid123 | 16

#7416987 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:04

If you cannot have sex anymore due to recovery time, take the opportunity to find other ways to sexually please each other! Maybe toys or using other parts of your body (such as hands)! And good luck with the recovery!

Reply

toaster87 | 19

#7417037 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:19

I don't think that'd be a good idea, it'd be extremely hard to pleasure his gf without getting an erection, and with a burst blood vessel his erection is what's causing him pain.

Reply

migmit | 11

#7417306 - Monday 27 February 2017 14:02

Honestly, I've misread it as "good lick" first. Which kinda made sense.

Reply

xDrakeNinja | 12

#7418998 - Thursday 2 March 2017 14:25

Well those are sure to pop a painful erection...

By IAmClay | 24

#7416993 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:11

I'd never end up with such good luck... other than the injury part

By bogolopian | 12

#7416994 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:12

I had a girlfriend like that once. After a couple of weeks I found myself hiding from her. Too much sex can be a problem.

By Jillene | 8

#7416995 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:15

Im suddenly horny. Lmao

Reply

alaina1104 | 11

#7416999 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:27

After a brief mention of sex and then a description of a burst blood vessel in the penis?

Reply

Nnzyb | 8

#7417004 - Monday 27 February 2017 0:44

Alaina, maybe Jillene is into that sort of thing.

By thisisthestupid | 18

#7417021 - Monday 27 February 2017 1:39

Then I'm surprised my fiancé hasn't had a blood vessel burst yet! We been doing it like 4 times a day for years!

Reply

GlennGuagmire | 20

#7417124 - Monday 27 February 2017 8:12

Keep in mind, ur partners parts dimensions may take a role in that

Reply

Talis99 | 26

#7417189 - Monday 27 February 2017 11:03

Don't believe thisisthestupid.

Still trying to figure out what Glenn said.

Reply

cornyrob | 33

#7417590 - Monday 27 February 2017 23:40

Anastasia Steele, is that you?

Reply

cornyrob | 33

#7417591 - Monday 27 February 2017 23:40

Anastasia Steele, is that you?

By Krovels | 10

#7417032 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:08

tfw someone out there is having too much sex and you can't even get a girl to look at you.

By Jillene | 8

#7417033 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:11

Calm down it was a joke. I mean SOMEONE was horny to have sex that often. Nothing wrong with being horny.

Reply

Arashikage | 18

#7417503 - Monday 27 February 2017 20:54

The word "I'm" refers to you

By RichardPencil | 28

#7417036 - Monday 27 February 2017 2:18

When they say "bust a nut," they don't mean it so literally.

By lemothelemon | 14

#7417060 - Monday 27 February 2017 4:37

I'm guessing you just moved in together