Today, my sisters and I pitched together nearly $500 to send... - FML

By lachaisse - 12/5/2013 12:09 - United States - Vinton

Today, my sisters and I pitched together nearly $500 to send my mom to the spa for Mother's Day. We put the printed sheet with her info into a little box with our card on top. When she opened it, she freaked out and started hugging my dad. Turns out he switched the cards and took all the credit. FML

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Boozehound

The best cat

The opposite of a good idea

By georgiahick - 30/12/2011 14:09

Today, my boyfriend asked me to 'spice things up in the bedroom'. When I asked how, he said I could try wearing a paper bag over my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2014 15:45 - Australia

Today, I was having lunch with my fiancé's family. After he excused himself to use the bathroom, his grandmother glared at me, sneered, "I never liked you" and kept eating while the others smirked. When my fiancé returned, everyone pretended nothing had happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2015 22:55 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I am two months pregnant. Being super hormonal, I was crying about how much I was crying. My husband put his arms around me to comfort me, and I sobbed so hard that I threw up all over him. FML

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By JohnMackSquirts - 19/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I slept over at my friend's house but forgot my glasses. When I woke up in the morning, I came out of his room and forcefully kicked what I thought was a soccer ball on the floor. Turns out it was his miniature poodle - it fell down a long flight of stairs. FML

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By eldar90 - 25/2/2012 21:38 - Israel

Today, while waiting for my grandmother at the train station, a girl walked out and climbed into my car. When I cleared my throat to tell her of her mistake, she screamed and ran out as if I was a criminal trying to abduct her. FML

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By LonelyPorkChop - 18/12/2013 09:30 - Australia

Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2013 08:27 - New Zealand - Wainuiomata

Today, I bought my first house, blowing nearly all my savings on the deposit. I had left myself enough for just a couple of necessary bits of furniture. It turns out the previous owner completely stripped the house when he left, taking the oven and even the toilet with him, amongst other things. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:51 - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

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By AuraOfJustice - 12/3/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

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By Mrs. Teacher - 18/9/2012 00:21 - United States - Suwanee

Today, I collected my students' notes in class to check them. One girl, who is always drawing weird anime crap in her sketchbook, turned in just one piece of paper that read, "FUCK YOUR CLASS." FML

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By shewantsmedead - 26/1/2017 18:00

Today, I ran into my mother-in-law, who I absolutely can't stand, with my car at 5mph by accident. She jumped out in front of me after a particularly nasty argument, but my husband won't believe me and neither will the police. FML

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By KenzFell - 5/6/2012 07:27 - Canada - Calgary

Today, while I was on stage dancing for a competition dress rehearsal, my top fell off, exposing my breasts. I was really embarrassed, but fortunately no one said anything about it. That is until a kid in the audience came up to me and said, "That was a disappointment." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2011 08:29 - Reserved

Today, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "weighing my testicles, you should try it sometime, if they're too heavy you may have cancer". I'm a girl. FML

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By minecraftwilldie - 2/6/2011 16:52 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML

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By Frank - 17/8/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, I came home from work tired and horny, and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go make love. While all she had done all day is lay on the couch and watch television, she said, "I'm too tired, why don't you just go into the bathroom and grab a quick wank." FML

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By Fennec - 11/8/2014 19:05 - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

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By Jillian Drute - 16/8/2011 04:54 - United States

Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML

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By - 1/5/2019 04:00

Today, I noticed that my 80-year-old mother has gone through 50+ bottles of my home-made wine. She only moved in with me a month ago. And now I have no wine. FML

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By pong - 6/8/2013 21:59 - France - Toulouse

Today, I asked my surgeon if I would be having a general or local anesthetic at my upcoming operation. He replied, "General, of course! It's gonna be a slaughterhouse in there!" FML

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By Matt - 20/3/2011 05:08 - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2019 00:02

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in front of about 75 people in the fanciest restaurant in town. She told me she was already engaged, while holding up her right hand. FML

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By onwardsandupwards - 21/1/2020 14:00

Need help

Today, I went to the cemetery to visit a friend. As I was looking for his burial plot, I fell into a dug out grave and had to call my partner to come help me get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2011 12:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

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By Fred - 6/1/2009 08:28 - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

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By tallvet - 22/3/2018 19:00

Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 10:08 - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend came over to console me after a breakup. After beating me repeatedly in Mariokart, she decided to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 12:00

Today, I asked my mom if she'd seen my financial calculator on my way out to an exam. She told me she'd tossed it in the donation pile that she'd taken to the Salvation Army this morning because it was "clutter." I needed it to take the exam, which is required to pass the class, to graduate next month. The only place to buy a replacement was closed. FML

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By hopelesss88 - 17/6/2010 12:42 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

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By greenchan - 25/2/2011 05:12 - United States

Today, I had to take an emergency contraceptive. I was talking to my boyfriend about it, and I told him that my stomach really hurt. His response? "Aw. That's just the baby dying." FML

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By Username - 23/3/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding, that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority. FML

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By Des - 11/5/2019 18:00

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

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By Lesbian and proud, nana - 12/11/2018 14:00

Today, my nana turned up at my flat for a visit, barged in without knocking, and found me having sex with both of my girlfriends. The vicious religious lecture that followed would have stripped the tramp stamp off a whore. She then rampaged through our bedroom and binned all our sex toys. FML

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By Xanadu - 16/4/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

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By Jessie - 5/7/2011 16:34 - United States

Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML

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By trashed - 30/3/2017 03:00 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I painted the guest bathroom. Once finished, I noticed the paint splatters on my arms matched my lily white chalky skin. Paint matches me better than my makeup. Guess I need a different paint, and new make up. FML

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By iswearicandrive - 17/12/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, I hit my boss's car. It's only my second day on the job. FML

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By ohgodwhyyoufreaks - 1/4/2013 11:57 - United States - Moorhead

Today, while working at a porn store, a group of six people tried to return used toys and penis pumps. Even though you can't return any items, it's still an unfortunately common occurrence. The semen in these particular toys, however, is not. All of them began shouting at me for not refunding them. FML

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By Kit - 16/9/2013 11:09 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

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By Slivered - 18/11/2009 09:50 - Canada

Today, my condo board refused to lift the new policy requiring pet owners to carry dogs in common areas because someone's dog is peeing in the hall. I can't physically carry my two dogs, so I'm now forced to wheel them through the building in a borrowed baby stroller. FML

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Top comments

By Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5489028 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:10

Uhh, what a dick.

By revolution4ever | 14

#5489049 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:15

And parents wonder their kids have no respect for them...

Comments

By Original_Outcast | 23

#5489027 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:10

Your dad is a faggot, anyways did you tell your mom the truth?

Reply

courtney680 | 17

#5489071 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:23

What a prick. Hopefully they did. I'd be pissed

By Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5489028 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:10

Uhh, what a dick.

Reply

ulquiorra102 | 10

#5489112 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:45

I was gonna try to come up with a witty comment, but this...I'm pretty sure this summarizes what everyone's thinking xD

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489121 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:51

#2 How is that top comment worthy?

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489131 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:57

I will now sit wonder through my days "How the F**k did that guy get top comment?"

Reply

HiIAmKevin | 8

#5489196 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:50

Freakin' genius.

Reply

xALEXx_fml | 15

#5489470 - Monday 13 May 2013 1:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

aneurophobia | 5

#5489487 - Monday 13 May 2013 2:09

took the words from my mouth

Reply

sulitak | 26

#5491022 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 8:26

#85 no, that's not being a dad. My Dad always made sure the "good gift" was from my sister and I. That Dad is a jerk and if my husband ever even thinks this is acceptable I will slap him

Reply

xALEXx_fml | 15

#5502185 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:15

#95 haha whatever you say

By mybarra6 | 17

#5489037 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:12

Looks like Batman is going to have to teach your dick of a dad a lesson!

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489127 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:54

Yes, because Batman can save ALL the worlds problems!

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489129 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:55

Too lazy to turn on your TV? Call Batman!

Reply

Weika | 5

#5489170 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:25

Batman is just mad that he can't celebrate mothers day.

You know, because his parents are dead.

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489186 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:43

You probably shouldn't say that stuff about Batman.He's EVERYWHERE.....

Reply

Weika | 5

#5489347 - Sunday 12 May 2013 23:16

Except his parents' house.

Because they are dead.

Reply

greg84_fml | 21

#5489360 - Sunday 12 May 2013 23:33

Um, he lives in his parents' house.

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489410 - Monday 13 May 2013 0:27

#69 That awkward moment when Batman lives in his parents' house.......

Reply

TheShadyMilkman | 15

#5489466 - Monday 13 May 2013 1:46

You don't happen to have a stash of free candy and stuffed animals do you? Either way still creepy you refer to yourself as batman...

By ROSI3TH3CAT | 18

#5489038 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:12

Clever plan but your fathers an ass.

By broncos67 | 9

#5489039 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:13

Your dad done did good

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489124 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:52

1) lear a little grammar 2)If you like dicks,why don't you go to a gay bar?

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5489156 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:17

26- learn*

Reply

Mr_Loudmouth | 9

#5489158 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:17

Learn how to spell, Grammer Nazi.

Reply

Sonotsuave | 33

#5489173 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:27

not funny to talk about gays man

Reply

HortonThelephant | 15

#5489190 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:46

Whoa. This thread is fucked. Peace out...

By Wizardo | 33

#5489043 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:14

Woah what a prick! Here's an idea, switch out his fathers day presents for f*ck all!

Reply

ositoakaluis | 16

#5489097 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:33

Or give him the bill for Father's Day ;)

Reply

LadyRodgers29 | 0

#5489998 - Monday 13 May 2013 15:59

Exactly #20!

By revolution4ever | 14

#5489049 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:15

And parents wonder their kids have no respect for them...

By JohnMartson | 5

#5489053 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:16

Wow what a dick

By Zen_Mei | 17

#5489059 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:20

He's not getting anything for Father's Day

Reply

hellomynameisash | 14

#5489488 - Monday 13 May 2013 2:12

yes he is, hes getting the bill..

By Cheeley | 17

#5489063 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:21

Well he can just forget about Father's day then huh?