Today, my sisters and I pitched together nearly $500 to send... - FML

By lachaisse - 12/5/2013 12:09 - United States - Vinton

Today, my sisters and I pitched together nearly $500 to send my mom to the spa for Mother's Day. We put the printed sheet with her info into a little box with our card on top. When she opened it, she freaked out and started hugging my dad. Turns out he switched the cards and took all the credit. FML

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TMI

Non-baby fever

Bad guy (duh)

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 17:07 - South Africa

Today, I got a ride in a friend's car. As I sat down, her younger brother started laughing hysterically from the backseat. In between giggles, he admitted he peed there a few minutes ago. FML

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By rileynautumn - 13/6/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, after a full shift at work, I got home to my boyfriend playing CoD, a full sink, crap all over the table, a full cat box, dirty bathroom, no laundry done and the kids at my parents' house. He yelled at me because the place was a mess. FML

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By aloha - 12/3/2010 21:17 - France

Today, I landed in Hawaii for my vacation. I have a really bad ear infection, and to top my day off, my girlfriend blurted out mid-flight that she thinks we're not going to work out. Aloha! FML

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By XxJennJennXxX - 20/1/2012 12:13 - United States

Today, I got fired. My coworker decided to imitate my voice, stand outside of my boss's office door, and say insulting things about his daughter. FML

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By anonymous - 24/11/2015 19:38 - Switzerland - Unterageri

Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML

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By Moe - 23/1/2009 12:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to my flat after a night on the town and staying at my girlfriend's. My flat was flooded. I had been sick in the sink and left the tap on all night. FML

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By maddengirl12 - 20/2/2014 08:57 - United States

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

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By Seriously_Scaredy_Cat - 27/11/2013 07:08 - United States

Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML

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By "clumsycat" - 30/6/2017 15:54

Today, I thought my water had broken. I had actually just peed myself when the baby moved. FML

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By misswhiskers - 28/2/2011 11:21 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday. I woke up to a text message from my boyfriend, breaking up with me. When I commented on his impeccably bad timing, he admitted he'd forgotten it was my birthday. FML

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By anthony512 - 24/5/2013 16:08 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after a sleepless night, I fell asleep at my work desk. When I awoke, I found my co-workers had duct taped me to my chair. I was yelling at them to untape me, when our boss came in, scolded me for fucking about on the job, and left without saying a word to my colleagues. FML

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By hiker - 29/3/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, my dad said that if I walked home from school, a distance of 8 miles, he would give me $50. Two hours and four massive blisters later, I come home. When I asked for my money, he said "I was kidding." FML

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By Tanner - 16/7/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 18:30 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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By infortunatename - 1/8/2014 23:10 - United States

Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I laugh at how you think this is a date." FML

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By sickofthisshit - 2/7/2016 16:43 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I nearly got written up for "publicly humiliating" a coworker. All because I left a note in the restroom asking whoever keeps peeing all over the floor to please be considerate of other people. FML

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By wow - 11/7/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I have to choose between one eyebrow or none because I'm a heavy sleeper and my brother is a moron. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2012 06:13 - Canada

Today, while I was on the toilet, my cat managed to climb up behind me, slip and then grip itself to my bare ass. In my haste to get away from the cat, I pooped on the toilet without noticing. Until I sat back down. FML

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By CharlieKearney - 10/1/2016 23:33 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, the guy I made out with on New Year's Eve finally called me. Too bad it was to blame me for the picture of us which someone had sent to his girlfriend. I never took a picture, and had no idea he was in a relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2012 02:11 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

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By BlakeVB - 25/5/2019 14:18

Today, the girl that I had a crush on for over a year, from whom I recently moved on from, told me that she likes me. I’m dating a new girl. FML

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By 3rdWheel1stBorn - 23/3/2018 19:00

Today, I saw that my biological father took his 2 favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2012 10:21 - Sweden - Norsborg

Today, it was the first time I was going to fly first class. I ended up in the bathroom almost the whole flight with diarrhea. FML

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By inpain14 - 13/5/2020 05:00

Headache

Today, I learned that one of the reasons I may be getting migraines every day is because I subconsciously clench my jaw a lot due to stress. To try and have it hurt less, I’ve gone back to wearing my plastic retainer during the day, but it makes my gag reflux act up. FML

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By Decibell - 18/4/2020 05:00

Round and round

Today, I found out the trigger to my horrendous, disgustingly painful migraines that last up to 5 days is... Pain. My migraines are literally causing themselves. FML

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By NotSteve - 18/4/2009 08:19 - United States

Today, I was walking home from when I passed an old woman sitting on the curb of Walmart begging for change. I gave her my last dollar and felt good about it. Five minutes later I saw the same woman driving away in a car. I don't even own a car. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 05:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2020 14:00

Littered

Today, I'm on crutches and wearing an orthopedic boot because a 22.5 pound box of cat litter fell out of my back hatch onto my foot. FML

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By CheddarJack89 - 1/12/2012 08:35 - United States - Manchester

Today, after doing inventory at my job, I was approached by a co-worker who I had always thought was cute. I tried talking to her, but it was hard as I kept trembling and stuttering from spending two hours in a meat locker. Now she assumes that I'm "special". FML

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By Derp McShitstain - 16/9/2012 19:48 - United Kingdom - Saint Helens

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend, when he suggested that I might want to buy a new loofah. When I asked why, he admitted he's been using it to scrub his ass crack for weeks. I use that loofah to wash my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2010 04:59 - United States

Today, I was playing basketball outside in my driveway. I saw three cute girls walking by, so I thought I would try to show off a little by doing a backwards slam dunk. I jumped, completely missed the rim and hit my head on the backboard. Then my mom ran out to help me up. FML

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By S. Tucker - 7/6/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned how unhappy my husband is in our marriage. Apparently he also can't find a good woman. We didn't have a heart-to-heart, I read his woes in a blog. FML

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By broke - 17/1/2012 16:08 - Canada

Today, I started my new job as a dishwasher, and was very excited since I've been broke for weeks. A few people dined and dashed, apparently for the first time in the restaurant's history. My boss is superstitious. She fired me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 04:40 - United States - Riverview

Today, my sister told me about a website that explained why our stressed cat has been obsessively pulling out the fur on her legs. Interested, I asked for a link. Not just out of deep concern for the cat, but because I have the same problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 05:25

Today, I found out that my wife makes mashed potatoes by using her dirty feet to crush the potatoes because apparently this is a "healthy, natural" way to make them, and it also cleans her feet. I've been eating her mashed potatoes at least once every week. FML

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By Boredstoner420 - 14/3/2020 21:00

You give me fever

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

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By fuckstudentloans - 18/6/2015 23:29 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

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By GoAggies - 21/6/2016 17:11 - United States - Herriman

Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the same school and had a job lined up in town, he decided not to come with me because the Internet at our apartment wasn't going to be fast enough for his gaming. FML

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By Fartnonymous - 18/8/2015 10:59 - Qatar - Doha

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

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Top comments

By Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5489028 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:10

Uhh, what a dick.

By revolution4ever | 14

#5489049 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:15

And parents wonder their kids have no respect for them...

COMMENTS

By Original_Outcast | 23

#5489027 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:10

Your dad is a faggot, anyways did you tell your mom the truth?

Reply

courtney680 | 17

#5489071 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:23

What a prick. Hopefully they did. I'd be pissed

By Bigfabthetruth52 | 22

#5489028 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:10

Uhh, what a dick.

Reply

ulquiorra102 | 10

#5489112 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:45

I was gonna try to come up with a witty comment, but this...I'm pretty sure this summarizes what everyone's thinking xD

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489121 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:51

#2 How is that top comment worthy?

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489131 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:57

I will now sit wonder through my days "How the F**k did that guy get top comment?"

Reply

HiIAmKevin | 8

#5489196 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:50

Freakin' genius.

Reply

xALEXx_fml | 15

#5489470 - Monday 13 May 2013 1:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

aneurophobia | 5

#5489487 - Monday 13 May 2013 2:09

took the words from my mouth

Reply

sulitak | 27

#5491022 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 8:26

#85 no, that's not being a dad. My Dad always made sure the "good gift" was from my sister and I. That Dad is a jerk and if my husband ever even thinks this is acceptable I will slap him

Reply

xALEXx_fml | 15

#5502185 - Wednesday 22 May 2013 12:15

#95 haha whatever you say

By mybarra6 | 17

#5489037 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:12

Looks like Batman is going to have to teach your dick of a dad a lesson!

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489127 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:54

Yes, because Batman can save ALL the worlds problems!

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489129 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:55

Too lazy to turn on your TV? Call Batman!

Reply

Weika | 5

#5489170 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:25

Batman is just mad that he can't celebrate mothers day.

You know, because his parents are dead.

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489186 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:43

You probably shouldn't say that stuff about Batman.He's EVERYWHERE.....

Reply

Weika | 5

#5489347 - Sunday 12 May 2013 23:16

Except his parents' house.

Because they are dead.

Reply

greg84_fml | 21

#5489360 - Sunday 12 May 2013 23:33

Um, he lives in his parents' house.

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489410 - Monday 13 May 2013 0:27

#69 That awkward moment when Batman lives in his parents' house.......

Reply

TheShadyMilkman | 15

#5489466 - Monday 13 May 2013 1:46

You don't happen to have a stash of free candy and stuffed animals do you? Either way still creepy you refer to yourself as batman...

By ROSI3TH3CAT | 18

#5489038 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:12

Clever plan but your fathers an ass.

By broncos67 | 9

#5489039 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:13

Your dad done did good

Reply

garrett1999o3 | 16

#5489124 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:52

1) lear a little grammar 2)If you like dicks,why don't you go to a gay bar?

Reply

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5489156 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:17

26- learn*

Reply

Mr_Loudmouth | 9

#5489158 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:17

Learn how to spell, Grammer Nazi.

Reply

Sonotsuave | 33

#5489173 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:27

not funny to talk about gays man

Reply

HortonThelephant | 15

#5489190 - Sunday 12 May 2013 20:46

Whoa. This thread is fucked. Peace out...

By Wizardo | 33

#5489043 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:14

Woah what a prick! Here's an idea, switch out his fathers day presents for f*ck all!

Reply

ositoakaluis | 16

#5489097 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:33

Or give him the bill for Father's Day ;)

Reply

LadyRodgers29 | 0

#5489998 - Monday 13 May 2013 15:59

Exactly #20!

By revolution4ever | 14

#5489049 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:15

And parents wonder their kids have no respect for them...

By JohnMartson | 5

#5489053 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:16

Wow what a dick

By Zen_Mei | 17

#5489059 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:20

He's not getting anything for Father's Day

Reply

hellomynameisash | 14

#5489488 - Monday 13 May 2013 2:12

yes he is, hes getting the bill..

By Cheeley | 17

#5489063 - Sunday 12 May 2013 19:21

Well he can just forget about Father's day then huh?