Miscellaneous: Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered... - FML

By Alex - United States

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

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BO Central

Dangling modifier

Fairytale ending

By Sophie - United Kingdom

Today, I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time. It's a small, old cottage in the countryside. I went up for a shower and didn't realise that the plug hole was blocked. Before I knew it, the bathroom floor was completely flooded and the ceiling below was dripping. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML

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By kiwi2323 - United States

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Schepdaal

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

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By eaa145 - United States

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

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By stillpoor - United States

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

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By Hatilic_

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

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By kenneth

Today, I had to drive 40-odd miles to my grown-ass son's house to kill a large spider on the wall. It had him trapped in his bedroom because his wife had already gone to work. How did I ever raise such a wuss? FML

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By anonymous - United States - Havelock

Today, my boyfriend started laughing during sex because my boobs are slightly different. He then broke up with me after I pointed out that his nuts aren't exactly even either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML

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By Headless - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, for our anniversary, I had made a small treasure hunt for my boyfriend, tying roses with notes of poetry to lampposts across campus to lead him to where we would have a romantic dinner. He couldn't find it because people had stolen the roses, or simply ripped them to pieces and thrown them away. FML

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By CollegeKid

Today, I was in the hospital for 12 hours with unbearable stomach pain. Apparently I have a horrible infection in my intestines and colon. My mom is now accusing me of having anal sex and allowing a man to ejaculate into my bum. My great-grandma believes her. FML

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By buses suck - United States - San Francisco

Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML

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By zac545 - United States

Today, I was looking after a hamster for a friend. My dog ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - University

Today, I went to take a shower, but forgot my towel and dorm key in the room. After my shower, I had to run down to the front desk butt-naked, using only a shampoo bottle as cover, and ask for a temporary key. The person running the front desk was my ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend. FML

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By Cheapo

Today, I gave my friend a $5 VR set that I purchased from the dollar store for Christmas. I received a $60 gift card. Later, I realized I left the receipt in the package. FML

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By LLP - 15/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Freudian slip

Today, I found out there's nothing like getting dumped and then receiving an inadvertent Snapchat sext from your ex-girlfriend that was intended for her new boyfriend, on what would have been your anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML

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By Death_Arc_Angel - 22/1/2021 09:09 - Trinidad and Tobago - Fyzabad

Mystery

Today, we're in the middle of a contagious deadly pandemic, and despite not having physical/sexual contact with anyone in over a year, I managed to contract herpes. I don't even know how I got it. FML

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By crapcrapcrap - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a guy I really like. He completely ignored me. FML

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By Addigirl - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I ordered pick-up from a restaurant I really like. It was pouring, so instead of taking the long way across the pedestrian walk, I ran through a grass-covered area and tripped on tree roots. I was right in front of the restaurant, so everybody saw me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

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By Skylan - France

Today, I took advantage of the fact that my wife was sleeping to watch a porn film on my computer. I put headphones on so that she wouldn't hear. It wasn't until she came out of her bedroom that I realised I hadn't plugged them in properly. FML

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By Nofreeride

Today, after arguing with my husband over who needed the car more, I thought he clearly won. As the loser, I spent the day walking everywhere. Later, I learned that he thought I'd won and left the car in our apartment parking garage for me while he took the bus to work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I witnessed a homeless man fall off of his bike and land face first onto the pavement. Bleeding and shivering in the 40 degree weather, I gave him the coat off of my back. He got up like nothing happened and sprinted away with it. Oh yeah, my wallet was in the inside pocket. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

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By Puppysit88 - United States

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gilroy

Today, I was heading out for my flight to Australia. I'd put a padlock on my luggage to keep my wallet and passport safe, only to realize way too late that I'd left the key at home. I couldn't get at my passport and ended up missing my flight and my whole vacation along with it. FML

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By tannerrosetx_1 - United States - Irving

Today, I was pickpocketed. I didn't realize until I stopped to get breakfast. I went back home to see that my dog had taken my wallet and had ripped and torn it up. I was pickpocketed by my own dog. FML

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By Greg - 29/8/2020 05:01

Lovely Rita

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

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By Matt L - 21/8/2020 14:07 - United States - Staten Island

Bad day

Today, I discovered a nail in the tire of my car and a nice sized crack on the screen of my phone. I didn't think the day could get worse, until on my way to fix my tire, the cherry of my cigarette fell off and burned a huge hole in my driver's seat. This was my day off. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my mother-in-law yelled from across the house for me to come quickly. She sounded frantic, so I rushed and asked what was wrong. She said, "Nothing." and that she just wanted to remind me that she hates my guts. She'll be living here with me and my wife for the next two months. FML

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By Pee.H.D - United States - Fontana

Today, since I always fall asleep in class, I decided not to go to the bathroom beforehand, hoping the sensation to pee would keep me awake. I ended up falling asleep and wetting myself in the middle of the lecture. FML

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By living_thedream - United States - Bethpage

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

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By omfgfmlife - United States

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

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By wideawakeandinpain - United States

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

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By CT - United States

Today, I was told by my mother that the reason she quit her job as a counselor and divorced my dad was because she met someone through work. She works in a prison. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see four kids taking the hubcaps, radio, and license plates off of my truck. I chased them six blocks until I tripped and twisted my ankle. I limped back to my car and found a ticket on my windshield for $55 dollars. The reason? Missing license plates. FML

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By ricksterile - United States

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

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Top comments

By jks0308 | 22

#6601048 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:52

do you have a receipt or an email confirming that you bought the flowers? if you do, show that to her.

By trucker2 | 33

#6601053 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:56

Push your sister in front of the karma bus.... Only 1 of you will have a receipt.... Call her ass out on it, I front of your mother... Your sister sounds like a real motherfucker

COMMENTS

By VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#6601047 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:52

Your sister is a turd.

Reply

whysobeachy | 37

#6601104 - Monday 9 May 2016 15:02

inb4 "dump her; you deserve better!"

By jks0308 | 22

#6601048 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:52

do you have a receipt or an email confirming that you bought the flowers? if you do, show that to her.

Reply

MummyRavyne | 14

#6601055 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:57

That's what i was thinking . Should have put a copy of the reciept in a mothers day card and said that's her gift

Reply

arano | 29

#6601233 - Monday 9 May 2016 17:38

I was thinking it would've come with some sort of card saying 'Love you mom, from your son' or something at least

By walker9879 | 25

#6601049 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:54

Time for revenge... Hehe. But anyway didn't the flowers have a little card attached to them or something? Or did she rip it off?

By trucker2 | 33

#6601053 - Monday 9 May 2016 13:56

Push your sister in front of the karma bus.... Only 1 of you will have a receipt.... Call her ass out on it, I front of your mother... Your sister sounds like a real motherfucker

Reply

Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6602804 - Wednesday 11 May 2016 9:22

Probably not the best insult to use in this case. Especially given that it was OP who she fucked over.

By gatorclay97 | 28

#6601062 - Monday 9 May 2016 14:03

Correct her, and also slap a bitch.

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#6601063 - Monday 9 May 2016 14:04

Nothing left to do but pull a Ramsay Bolton, and feed your sister to the hounds ...

By mylsux | 15

#6601066 - Monday 9 May 2016 14:14

That sucks. To return the favor, send her a bag of candy dicks and pass them off as your sisters

By korbo7 | 12

#6601071 - Monday 9 May 2016 14:19

At least you didn't buy your mom chocolate fruit and have your dad eat them all

By Attacksloth | 33

#6601078 - Monday 9 May 2016 14:27

I hope you have an order confirmation.

By TheStriker316 | 1

#6601082 - Monday 9 May 2016 14:33

And this is why Man invented Receipts!