Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm... - FML

By Hunterxx - 7/8/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39592

You deserved it

7189

Tweet

Share

Family values

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Whatthefuckaburger

By whatzthehell - 3/6/2009 10:31 - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14568

You deserved it

51276

Tweet

Share

By Rakayla - 29/6/2019 12:03 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2152

You deserved it

208

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18133

You deserved it

53635

Tweet

Share

By Sam - 21/5/2009 02:17 - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41858

You deserved it

8712

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 21:22 - United States - New York

Today, the kid next to me asked me, in all seriousness, if gay people have feelings like regular people. I'm gay, and I have to sit next to this barnacle until June. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55868

You deserved it

9310

Tweet

Share

By furious parent - 3/7/2019 18:00

Today, I caught my mother telling my 11-year-old daughter that if she wants to be happy in life, she needs to start exercising now, because fat can creep up on you, and rich guys never marry fat girls with nice personalities. I was fuming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1910

You deserved it

276

Tweet

Share

By Professional - 29/5/2017 14:00

Today, I was fed up with things being taken from my room so I installed a key-locking handle on my door. I installed everything but the door knobs, and because I was worried that I would put the two of them on backwards, I closed the door to check. I'm now locked in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2180

You deserved it

3908

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 05:08 - United Kingdom - Frome

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

I agree, your life sucks

22532

You deserved it

44798

Tweet

Share

By lilmamma - 5/11/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, I took my four year old son to the playground. When it was time to go, he squirmed out of my arms back to the jungle gym. Not being the type of mother to put up with bad behavior, I swatted his rear and told him we had to go. That's when I realized I'd just spanked the wrong child who was wearing the same coat as my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17092

You deserved it

50175

Tweet

Share

By Wino - 5/12/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8738

You deserved it

34399

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/4/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16173

You deserved it

72449

Tweet

Share

By YoushouldsaythattoHER - 12/9/2018 22:00

Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty". Not getting such compliments every day, I felt extremely flattered... Until he started to explain in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2706

You deserved it

161

Tweet

Share

By SebastianMiko - 9/11/2012 07:18 - Canada - Calgary

Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47874

You deserved it

2286

Tweet

Share

By ambrosia - 16/8/2019 00:01

Today, I saw my boyfriend cutting the crusts off his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He’s 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

633

You deserved it

1736

Tweet

Share

By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4589

You deserved it

1317

Tweet

Share

By KillingMeSlowly - 11/10/2015 03:37

Today, I realized that my two year old likes to help with the groceries. And by help I mean hide a bag of chicken. It's been two weeks since I went grocery shopping and I still can't find it, but it smells like something died in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25495

You deserved it

2641

Tweet

Share

By this is impossible - 5/1/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

I agree, your life sucks

25266

You deserved it

2395

Tweet

Share

By CapNCook - 24/7/2013 09:15 - United States - Chicago

Today, a co-worker verbally abused me because I yawned. His excuse was that, "It's contagious". FML

I agree, your life sucks

43006

You deserved it

4375

Tweet

Share

By good mom - 5/11/2019 19:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Who is the worst?

Today, despite the fact that I own my home, car and have a career, I was once again told that I’ve shamed my family by being a single mom. Meanwhile, my brother has four kids with three different women and constantly hits up every family member for money. He gets nothing but just support. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2829

You deserved it

155

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/1/2010 21:56 - United States

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28233

You deserved it

3804

Tweet

Share

By Pissed.Off.Mom. - 6/10/2016 05:14 - United States - Houston

Today, I got a call informing me that my 16-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting jewellery. Trying to look on the bright side, I assumed it was for my birthday that is coming up in a few days. Nope. It was a "Thank you" gift. For her drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14120

You deserved it

2495

Tweet

Share

By Barney - 18/6/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28752

You deserved it

9112

Tweet

Share

By moncheri1314 - 10/9/2010 16:13 - France

Today, because I have a beach party tomorrow, I used a new gel that is supposed to prevent razor burn after shaving the bikini line. Turns out I'm highly allergic to the gel. Now I have hundreds of beautiful red bumps that look like razor burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26407

You deserved it

4421

Tweet

Share

By Investing in Toilet Seatbelts - 14/2/2015 09:46 - United States - Sparks

Today, my youngest daughter finally started using the toilet on her own. That is, until her older sister showed her the South Park episode where someone gets their intestines sucked out by flushing the toilet. Now she won't go anywhere near the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35235

You deserved it

3577

Tweet

Share

By lonesome - 28/4/2013 05:23 - Canada

Today, my whole family made an hour-long drive to a restaurant that's just a few minutes away from my place. I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49450

You deserved it

3394

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 07:35 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29014

You deserved it

19152

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 16:45 - United States - Brighton

Today, while on vacation with my family, my mother told me to put my phone in her purse, so it wouldn't get stolen. Someone stole her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26102

You deserved it

2223

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/6/2020 20:00

Cute nickname

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1072

You deserved it

430

Tweet

Share

By aherdofpigs - 2/9/2013 19:22 - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49981

You deserved it

21011

Tweet

Share

By frogface_fml - 20/5/2020 05:00

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

Today, I talked to my birth mother for the first time in over 26 years. Five minutes into our conversation, I remembered why I stayed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1426

You deserved it

163

Tweet

Share

By ihatebeingacashier - 11/7/2016 21:06

Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13125

You deserved it

690

Tweet

Share

By fuck you, boss - 21/12/2013 00:30 - United States

Today, my boss scolded me for being too friendly to our customers and told me to back off and let them do their thing. Less than an hour after doing as he said, he scolded me again, this time for slacking off and not asking them if they needed help finding stuff. There goes my bonus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45262

You deserved it

3141

Tweet

Share

By Marika - 20/7/2015 17:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33110

You deserved it

9121

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/11/2018 22:00

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6066

You deserved it

249

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 23:00

DINOSAURS!!

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

987

You deserved it

697

Tweet

Share

By geli - 9/8/2016 00:12

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13655

You deserved it

1402

Tweet

Share

By GuillermoCJ - 22/1/2011 05:36 - Mexico

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house and had to go to the bathroom. While peeing, I had a cough attack. The cough shook my body, making me pee all over my pants. My girlfriend's parents just arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28023

You deserved it

4609

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/8/2016 09:21 - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, my friends told me they have been able to see all my BDSM likes in their Facebook feeds. My family and coworkers also follow me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9470

You deserved it

18620

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/3/2020 14:00 - United States - Charlottesville

Smash the patriarchy!

Today, I was wrestling with my boyfriend, trying to prove to him that I was stronger. I did. He started crying. He then broke up with me because he couldn't be in a relationship in which his girlfriend was stronger than him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1709

You deserved it

405

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 20:47 - Canada

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28299

You deserved it

58869

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By hoppityhophop | 0

#1203365 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:44

Well, that's a bit stupid.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1203402 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:51

stfu atticuz

anyone who hasn't slept naked is missing out on something amazing.

Comments

By hoppityhophop | 0

#1203365 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:44

Well, that's a bit stupid.

Reply

atticuz | 2

#1203388 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:49

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#1203402 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:51

stfu atticuz

anyone who hasn't slept naked is missing out on something amazing.

Reply

f4everenergy | 0

#1203417 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:54

lols.

Reply

Brittney_E | 0

#1203490 - Saturday 7 August 2010 13:44

hah. was it at night O.o
and umm i hope ur no fatty or
eww! D:
mental picture!!

Reply

lillovesyouforev | 0

#1203496 - Saturday 7 August 2010 13:47

interesting.......

Reply

SacOmonkeyNuts | 0

#1203531 - Saturday 7 August 2010 14:02

how bout I lay these nuts softly on your lips.....and then PUNCH EM into your mouth

Reply

nightELFassasin6 | 0

#1203656 - Saturday 7 August 2010 15:18

he's right u prob just wanted to show ur bod and it's prob sick nasty

Reply

selenagirl_fml | 0

#1203667 - Saturday 7 August 2010 15:25

WTF 35????

Reply

eyes_wide_shut | 0

#1203676 - Saturday 7 August 2010 15:32

35 lol

Reply

rockediny | 0

#1203679 - Saturday 7 August 2010 15:32

u lil slut lol

Reply

selenagirl_fml | 0

#1203695 - Saturday 7 August 2010 15:36

YDI for sleeping!!

Reply

CitrusGirl | 0

#1203751 - Saturday 7 August 2010 16:07

53 your a dick. she was probably sleeping naked for her husband.

Reply

luis420 | 0

#1203759 - Saturday 7 August 2010 16:11

repost

Reply

swimmerstud | 7

#1203865 - Saturday 7 August 2010 16:30

who sleeps naked?!

Reply

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1203973 - Saturday 7 August 2010 17:04

wow that sucks

Reply

selenagirl_fml | 0

#1203983 - Saturday 7 August 2010 17:07

73, people who sleep naked. durrrr...

Reply

Opera_Ghost | 0

#1204152 - Saturday 7 August 2010 17:53

I've read that sleeping naked is healthier.

Reply

changetheworld | 0

#1204169 - Saturday 7 August 2010 17:55

why are so many surprised that people sleep naked.? i don't, but i don't blame them cause it feels good. xD

Reply

RyGan | 0

#1204222 - Saturday 7 August 2010 18:24

" I don't want tight elastic squeezing on my ass while I sleep " -what movie??

Reply

nmsm | 1

#1204237 - Saturday 7 August 2010 18:30

sleeping naked makes you feel so... so... FREE.

Reply

beastmode21 | 0

#1204350 - Saturday 7 August 2010 19:04

hahaha #35

Reply

skroal | 7

#1204421 - Saturday 7 August 2010 19:29

YDI for your husband thinking it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while you were sleeping. Shocked, you ran outside naked.

Reply

swifft_fml | 0

#1204734 - Saturday 7 August 2010 20:55

82-Drillbit Taylor? hahaha

Reply

bamditzki | 0

#1206005 - Sunday 8 August 2010 0:49

ydi for sleeping naked, no offense for ppl that sleep naked or live in miami

Reply

wiggz1990 | 0

#1206131 - Sunday 8 August 2010 1:47

die skroal

Reply

kaylernes | 0

#1206275 - Sunday 8 August 2010 2:54

true. (: it's comfy. (:

Reply

soul_fml | 0

#1206572 - Sunday 8 August 2010 5:42

Hmmm, part of this fml was chopped off my the mods. Y can't they just let things be?

Reply

zanguard | 0

#1206673 - Sunday 8 August 2010 6:23

I haven't slept naked since the morning my step-sister came in to wake me up. I must have been having an interesting dream at the time if you you know what I mean ;)

Reply

LMFAOwned | 9

#1206858 - Sunday 8 August 2010 8:04

skroal im gonna shove an alarm up ur ass

Reply

number0 | 8

#1207060 - Sunday 8 August 2010 9:23

125 - STFU no one cares what you think about skroal

Reply

liljeron | 0

#1210994 - Monday 9 August 2010 9:19

silly goose

By ChocolateEclaire | 0

#1203367 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:44

FYL. You don't deserve it, he does...

Reply

aliaysleighbasic | 0

#1203692 - Saturday 7 August 2010 15:36

ya. any type of problems caused by a prank you devised: you deserve it!

Reply

CrimsonWolf1294 | 0

#1203754 - Saturday 7 August 2010 16:08

her husband devised the prank. she was just the nude victim...

Reply

azn_pridee69 | 0

#1204023 - Saturday 7 August 2010 17:20

LOL win.

Reply

TeeHee124 | 0

#1204031 - Saturday 7 August 2010 17:22

Um.. you sleep naked?

By paintingxflowers | 8

#1203372 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:45

haha... wow.

Reply

ALindsey | 0

#1204531 - Saturday 7 August 2010 19:58

Umm... yeah I got nothin.

By HE1D1 | 0

#1203374 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:45

it was his fault, what a dumbass

By qwertyalanna12 | 0

#1203379 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:45

why where you naked in the first place .... ?

Reply

kayladance101 | 13

#1203571 - Saturday 7 August 2010 14:22

some people like to sleep naked.

Reply

muppetslover | 11

#4110799 - Thursday 1 March 2012 18:25

This is why I don't sleep naked!

By LosAngelesSon | 8

#1203384 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:48

aha' not only does your husband have jealousy issues, hes a douche! congratulations you married wisely!

By BikerMike | 0

#1203393 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:49

your husband is one big dickhead

By aFMLaddict | 0

#1203399 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:50

agree with #4
and so what, you didnt have sex with them now did you? you didnt show them your body on purpose.

Reply

Kgirl2cute | 6

#1206331 - Sunday 8 August 2010 3:25

Since when did the wording of this FML change? +"My husband now won't speak to me, because I showed my body to other men."

By Uranus_fml | 0

#1203406 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:51

Wow...

Reply

ey3seecold | 0

#1203420 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:55

Uranus ur pic siriously looks like ur picking Uranus !!!

Reply

robnunzi | 0

#1203424 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:58

yup she is in there deep!

Reply

linx468 | 8

#1203429 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:59

Hehe, I wonder what her reply will be. xD

Reply

LosAngelesSon | 8

#1203434 - Saturday 7 August 2010 13:04

yup, shes digging.

Reply

endawmyke | 0

#1203510 - Saturday 7 August 2010 13:55

OMG that's frickin nasty

Reply

rockediny | 0

#1203704 - Saturday 7 August 2010 15:41

dats dirty Uranus....-_-

Reply

harry71 | 0

#1207751 - Sunday 8 August 2010 15:15

me so horny

By alig93 | 0

#1203409 - Saturday 7 August 2010 12:53

take a naked picture of him, post it online, and then don't talk to him for "showing his body to other women" same shit lol.

Reply

SOTYsNumber1Fan | 0

#1203441 - Saturday 7 August 2010 13:10

actually its not even close but if u wanna be wrong thats fine

Reply

SarahBearXoX | 0

#1204136 - Saturday 7 August 2010 17:48

yeah it would be the same thing cause it would be a prank which results in nudity and the planner of the scheme not speaking to the victim for consequences they brought upon themself.