Animals: Today, something ran across my foot while I was on the toilet....

Hey, this is the OP. I have owned rats and mice as pets, but with a wild one you really don't want them running loose around a toddler. As for getting a cat, I have been trying to get a kitten for my son, but our landlord wants a huge deposit. We are buying a humane trap and letting him go somewhere far away. We have temporarily plugged the hole he was using to get in until payday. My husband was jokingly threatening. He is just a big softie sometimes. :) We got a good laugh out of this, before I realized it was a mouse I ran screaming out of the bathroom with my pants around my knees. Glad everyone got a laugh out of this, we did!

Animals

Empathy lives

Get out while you still can

Worst workplace ever

21/06/2009 21:26

Today, I went shopping at a thrift store. I found a really cute top that fit me perfectly, so I bought it. Afterwards, I noticed the original tag was still on it. It read: "designed with your pregnancy in mind". It was a maternity top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 124

You deserved it 15 146

Don't know, don't care

By Anonymous - 29/07/2021 00:01

Today, I realised that if I died, no one would care. I know this because when I called my partner distressed last night, he told me he needed to sleep and hung up in less than 45 seconds, and a friend told me to call lifeline. I haven’t heard from either of them since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 147

14/03/2010 01:17

Today, I spent 2 hours doing my hair, doing my make-up, and picking out an outfit to meet some men. On chatroulette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 698

You deserved it 37 177

Trauma

By SkipLegDay - 03/08/2016 08:48

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 343

You deserved it 3 268

09/02/2011 15:53

Today, I finally got a reply to the letter to a celebrity that I had to write for my English class. It was a restraining order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 287

You deserved it 7 747

28/01/2011 19:59

Today, I got home from working late and decided to write a cute email to my girlfriend since I haven't seen her in two weeks. I was about to finish it off when my door swung open, and in a panic, I opened another tab to hide my email. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 762

You deserved it 43 419

18/01/2009 12:41

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was gay and that he is in love with my younger brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 303

You deserved it 2 960

06/09/2012 13:45

Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 855

You deserved it 2 005

25/01/2016 17:04

Today, I had to leave class early due to a profusely bleeding pimple on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 757

You deserved it 2 437

The gays

By kolgate - 15/02/2012 10:12

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentine's Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 616

You deserved it 3 144

15/02/2010 14:22

Today, I took my best friend to an 80's party. She drank too much and ended up puking all over the interior and exterior of my car as well as inside my right legwarmer on the 30 mile trip back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 999

You deserved it 4 629

30/10/2010 14:00

Today, my friend and I dressed up as dice for Halloween. The rest of the night consisted of us, harassed by drunks asking, 'Can we roll you around?' and constantly being shaken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 356

You deserved it 32 844

20/01/2016 19:00

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 165

You deserved it 1 677

04/02/2011 20:13

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 653

You deserved it 2 734

23/02/2016 00:55

Today, my two best friends that I've known since middle school broke up. I'm glad I'm no longer a third wheel but now they won't talk to each other and both use me to complain about the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 534

You deserved it 1 398

06/04/2011 03:26

Today, I was prescribed anti-anxiety medication due to the high level of stress that I experience at my job. Unfortunately, I cannot afford the medication because I do not make enough money at said job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 607

You deserved it 4 280

09/02/2010 15:43

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 573

You deserved it 2 953

07/01/2016 15:52

Today, my 70-year-old coworker managed to do something to our shared computer for it to not boot up. This is our 4th computer since we've been working together, and he refuses to believe that he's the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 839

You deserved it 1 437

20/10/2012 13:57

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 197

You deserved it 39 599

30/09/2015 06:47

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 539

You deserved it 2 320

02/02/2012 03:11

Today, my son learned that when you slide a mug across the kitchen table, it doesn't stop where you expect it to like in the old cartoons. I then learned what it feels like to have a full mug of hot chocolate spilled onto my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 425

You deserved it 3 389

28/05/2011 01:04

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 861

You deserved it 18 710

29/03/2009 13:38

Today, I got a chance to have dinner and a movie with a girl I've liked for a while. I ran late, so in a hurry to make the movie, and trying to be smooth for her, I told the waiter I'd "take care of him" if he made it fast. He did. When he brought the check, I realized I had forgotten my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 274

You deserved it 64 162

07/01/2013 11:11

Today, an intoxicated gentleman stumbled into my shop requesting alcohol, which I do not sell. When I informed him of this, he expressed his disappointment by urinating on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 281

You deserved it 2 245

11/12/2019 01:00

Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 336

11/10/2009 10:54

Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 078

You deserved it 2 410

04/02/2010 18:53

Today, I discovered that the rancid stench in my bathroom was a decaying carcass of a mouse in my toilet tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 670

You deserved it 3 329

06/03/2012 08:57

Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 214

You deserved it 2 057

12/05/2013 05:20

Today, I was eating a mystery flavored candy and I had an allergic reaction. Not only did I have to go to the hospital because my throat swelled up, but I still don't know what I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 225

You deserved it 4 306

19/05/2015 19:53

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 863

You deserved it 1 906

09/04/2018 13:00

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 155

You deserved it 411

19/07/2016 19:50

Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 760

You deserved it 1 374

15/01/2009 23:26

Today, I spent four hours practicing funny voices. I have literally nothing better to do all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 490

You deserved it 8 418

14/04/2019 16:00

Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 884

You deserved it 145

11/03/2010 22:23

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 982

You deserved it 2 168

16/10/2009 17:27

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 171

You deserved it 2 284

02/01/2013 23:38

Today, I took my girlfriend to go see Les Misérables. I tried to stay tough but completely lost it and started sobbing when Anne Hathaway began singing. My girlfriend called me a wimp and stayed dry-eyed throughout the whole movie. I'm dating a robot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 356

You deserved it 15 158

Makes sense

By lovegame - 28/06/2014 15:48

Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 883

You deserved it 26 824

Vicious

By Anonymous - 29/06/2020 08:08

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 747

You deserved it 873

26/02/2010 10:23

Today, I realized explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the alter while my husband said his vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 355

You deserved it 3 264

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Top comments

Aczidraindrop420 7

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Monday 10 February 2014 12:59

Get a cat and name him Tom that he's not allowed to get rid of....They can become friends.

Malicejane 3

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:00

Time to go buy Tom.

Comments

Aczidraindrop420 7

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Monday 10 February 2014 12:59

Get a cat and name him Tom that he's not allowed to get rid of....They can become friends.

Steve95401 49

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:18

I prefer Itchy & Scratchy over Tom & Jerry.

whatafuckup 14

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:22

Get Tom

MisterEx 28

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Monday 10 February 2014 16:03

#10 For some reason this makes me really, really sad.

Doritozilla 20

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Monday 10 February 2014 22:47

He can then get a dog named Spike.

meepmerp 20

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Tuesday 11 February 2014 9:17

Maybe you can name his kid tyke

Malicejane 3

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:00

Time to go buy Tom.

abhi95 31

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:39

There is no solution to this problem. Even though she buys Tom.. Jerry always wins!

reneetlovesyou 30

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Monday 10 February 2014 14:53

She can buy a nonvenomous snake and name it Rom.

misslysiak 23

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:01

There is nothing I hate more than animals in toilets. We used to have frogs inside our toilet and every time you went to pee or take a shit you'd be living in fear of a frog jumping out at you. And so arose my completely irrational fear of those terrifying slimey green things known to most of mankind as; frogs.

ThatFancyPenn 18

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Monday 10 February 2014 15:12

How do frogs find their way into your toilet in the first place?

gracehi 31

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Monday 10 February 2014 16:15

When he says toilet, he means bathroom. It sounds strange to Americans, but that's what some other English speaking countries call the room.

mangoboy1 19

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:02

Make it look like an accident...

colton_colton 49

Monday 10 February 2014 13:12

Or just "accidentally" release Jerry

jellybeens_fml 16

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:27

"Accidentally" get Tom...

patrickalamo 47

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:45

Jerry just fell on the knife.

doglover100 28

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Monday 10 February 2014 16:54

Jerry just happened to be under her shoe.

xerbrus 14

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Monday 10 February 2014 17:09

jerry ran away because you're an asshole

davidislost 11

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Monday 10 February 2014 23:51

#19 This will probably get down voted ..but I have to say ..I am in freaking stitches right now. Thank you.

alexlam24 3

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Thursday 13 February 2014 9:28

Suddenly a brick appears.

TuliNya 7

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:04

Get a Tom. Best case scenario, live action version of the cartoon. Worst case scenario... Bloodbath?

Soloman212 28

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Monday 10 February 2014 14:07

Those sound like the same thing.

rs89 20

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Monday 10 February 2014 23:06

#5 judging by the husband's earlier threat, worst case scenario would be the divorce!

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Tuesday 11 February 2014 20:01

The cartoon is surprisingly violent. I was watching it for the first time in years the other day and in a span of about 5 minutes, Tom's paws got smashed in the window, he was hit over the head multiple times, he hit several doors, and had a body part ironed. A real-life version of the cartoon would be terrifying...especially if the poor cat survived everything that happened to him!

ZY1431 24

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:11

oh this scenario is gonna end badly lol.

seprunner 12

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:16

And here come all of the Tom and Jerry jokes! Just say you "forgot" about a mouse trap that was set out awhile ago

Enslaved 36

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Monday 10 February 2014 14:22

"Is you is or is you ain't my baby" Wonder if the grammar nazis cringe at this song or if it's capable of bringing back those fond memories of Tom & Jerry?

Comoke1024 19

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Monday 10 February 2014 21:14

As a borderline grammar Nazi, I enjoyed the reference :)

alexlam24 3

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Thursday 13 February 2014 9:29

You sir are going to places

revelation11B 10

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:30

Tom and Jerry in real life is the only real viable solution to this. Just sayin'.

suri23 11

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:33

...and Jerry's bros & sis, no doubt.

worldclassrager 39

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Monday 10 February 2014 13:36

Maybe Jerry will run away out your front door or something...i really hope you can keep him contained...having him run free i can understand your trouble...