By - 15/2/2020 01:00

Too stupid

Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

446

You deserved it

2125

Favorite

Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

Rock, hard place

Cake is everything

By TeamVomit

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to surprise him and caught him with another girl. As my boyfriend got up to explain himself, I, in a state of shock, violently threw up on him (and partially her). His mum had let me in the house. At least I know whose side she's on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5712

You deserved it

294

Favorite

By Dor51 - United States - Tacoma

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

I agree, your life sucks

38209

You deserved it

2986

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10088

You deserved it

53753

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, at my wedding reception, I jokingly asked my aunt, who has always been convinced that I am gay despite my protests, if she believed me now. She took this the wrong way and drunkenly went around telling my guests that my wedding was a sham to convince her I was straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34307

You deserved it

5244

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Mattawa

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28913

You deserved it

2502

Favorite

By Rebecca - Canada

Today, as I was pulling into my driveway, I hit my fence. The same fence that I had repaired last week because I had run into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8602

You deserved it

41283

Favorite

By hoolabaloo - India - Ahmadabad

Today, I finally got the courage to confess my feelings to the guy I have loved for a year now in a long note. He called half an hour later and said, "I'm not going to read this crap, just tell me what it says". FML

I agree, your life sucks

36602

You deserved it

8035

Favorite

By lost_ina_dream - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21702

You deserved it

4086

Favorite

By rugs - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45514

You deserved it

5785

Favorite

By polemania - United States

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

13365

You deserved it

1796

Favorite

By DanceOnTheEdge - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48574

You deserved it

19268

Favorite

By jumpedjogger - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39121

You deserved it

3708

Favorite

By noxiffic - Norway - Sandnes

Today, as I was walking home from work, I got chased halfway home by a wolf. Yes, a wolf. I live in central Norway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39259

You deserved it

3124

Favorite

By fatty fatfuck - 10/5/2020 17:00

You can't win

Today, after losing my job and being quarantined alone, I realized I've gained quite a bit of weight due to depression. I decided to do something about it and walk around my neighborhood. A group of teens followed me laughing and hurling insults until I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2099

You deserved it

176

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38315

You deserved it

2759

Favorite

By LJ - United States

Today, my mother finally had her beloved Siamese cat cremated. The cat has been dead for over a week and she has been keeping it on her bed, stroking its fur and saying, "She looks like she's sleeping" and "She's so cold." To top it all off, she's been calling me by the cat's name for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

95150

You deserved it

4264

Favorite

By Dlpnlvr85 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11459

You deserved it

825

Favorite

By weirdthingtosay - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39754

You deserved it

11813

Favorite

By Anonymous

What's up, doc?

Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3932

You deserved it

1892

Favorite

By sunflowercake - Canada

Today, I made a very pretty sunflower cake that I woke up incredibly early to make. It took me hours and a lot of money. It was for my grandparents anniversary and my whole family was invited. We only got to see the remains because the waiter gave it to the wrong family, and they ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47812

You deserved it

2355

Favorite

By UH-OH - United States

Today, I sat next to an attractive punk/rock guy on a plane. I decided to try to impress by playing music I thought he would like. I clicked The Who and opened a large window with the album cover, so he could see. The track then shuffled, and he was face to with a giant image of Miley Cyrus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17681

You deserved it

117305

Favorite

By Hilary - Australia

Today, I was trying to relieve a dog that looked like it was choking because it was tied to a pole while its owner was in a restaurant. The owner called a security guard because she was convinced I was trying to steal her dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26057

You deserved it

4675

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the grocery store getting bananas and there was this real hot guy next to me. He said, "Hey beautiful" so I smiled. He then asked if I was free on Friday night. I smiled and said, "Yes, why do you ask?" He looked up from the bananas and pointed to the bluetooth in his ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59209

You deserved it

16374

Favorite

By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I found out that my friend uses pictures of me to motivate her to work out. They are accompanied by sayings such as "you don't want to turn out like this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34351

You deserved it

5545

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my virus protection program now has a virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29958

You deserved it

5079

Favorite

By jayden5 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting next to this really cute guy in choir class. Trying to make conversation, I asked him what his favorite song was. He replied "Leave Me Alone". I asked him who it was by and he said, "It's not a song, I just want you to leave me alone". FML

I agree, your life sucks

34232

You deserved it

9200

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was a conversation about Disney, which ranged from Pocahontas lunch boxes to Disneyland Paris. I don't know who was more excited; me, a 20 year old man, or the 6 year old girl I was talking to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24655

You deserved it

8117

Favorite

By friend loves a gay guy... - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my best friend told me that she no longer wants to cut herself because now she's madly in love with a guy in our school. She doesn't know that he's gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57062

You deserved it

3889

Favorite

By Not impressed. - Canada - Toronto

Today, working in a department store, I spent at least 30 minutes helping a verbally abusive elderly woman in a wheelchair find an appropriate jacket for winter. She finally asked me to retrieve one she wanted in her size. When I returned she was in deep sleep, snoring and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39515

You deserved it

3031

Favorite

By tbree - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44898

You deserved it

4446

Favorite

By NeedsANewApartment - United States - Wurtsboro

Today, sewage came up the toilet and tub in my apartment and spread far enough to get into the hallway. The maintenance crew found the source of the blocked pipes to be a ten inch long weave some idiot flushed down a toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21482

You deserved it

1234

Favorite

By HassledAirfarer - United States

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an inconsiderate selfish bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43787

You deserved it

2403

Favorite

By bitch - 27/8/2020 08:02 - United Kingdom - London

Tracked

Today, I noticed that on the calendar in my boyfriend’s apartment, for every week of the months when I have my period are coloured in red and over them, in block capitals, he has written 'BEWARE'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1078

You deserved it

687

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I finished a big painting for art class. It's also the day my little brother decided it didn't have enough puke on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23081

You deserved it

1660

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36563

You deserved it

2758

Favorite

By Eggs - United States - Port Richey

Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41995

You deserved it

3129

Favorite

By Doesn't Matter Had Sex - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I had sex with this guy. His dad came upstairs and poked his head through the door right after we had finished, but were still naked in bed. All he said was, "No twins," and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25299

You deserved it

4429

Favorite

By thissucks - United States

Today, after finishing a three-page essay for my spanish class, I went to rip up my brainstorming paper in an act of triumph. After I finished ripping it up, I looked on my desk to see my brainstorming paper fully intact, and my essay torn into bits. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12452

You deserved it

67772

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my husband told me that for our anniversary he will be watching the UFC fight, because it is, "one of the biggest events ever and he just can't miss it." Apparently, our one-year wedding anniversary is not as important. To add to it, he said we should watch it together. Very romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1561

You deserved it

517

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36647

You deserved it

30493

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7882709 - Saturday 15 February 2020 2:57

Kristen Bell wanted me to tell you that "Ya nasty!".

By alycion | 38

#7882779 - Saturday 15 February 2020 11:17

Sometimes there’s nowhere to go but up.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7882709 - Saturday 15 February 2020 2:57

Kristen Bell wanted me to tell you that "Ya nasty!".

By alycion | 38

#7882779 - Saturday 15 February 2020 11:17

Sometimes there’s nowhere to go but up.

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7883131 - Monday 17 February 2020 5:12

That's SNOT cool.