Love: Today, I tried kissing my boyfriend on the tip of his nose. He... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 207

You deserved it 23

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 490

You deserved it 132

04/10/2014 12:11

Today, I tried kissing my boyfriend on the tip of his nose. He sneezed mid-kiss and headbutted me. Now, there's just an awkward silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 621

You deserved it 4 703

Broken heart

Keep your distance

Put your back into it

20/07/2011 13:38

Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 521

You deserved it 3 965

22/01/2014 19:23

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 924

You deserved it 5 787

07/03/2012 06:16

Spicy

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 341

You deserved it 6 805

Eat the rich

By dysfunctional_ravenclaw - 01/06/2017 15:00

Today, I was driving up to a Four Seasons, not to stay, but to attend a work event that was already paid for. I did look a little out of place in my Toyota Corolla amongst the luxury SUVs, but was nonplussed when a man came up to me, knocked on my window, and said, "The Motel 6 is over there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 740

You deserved it 422

26/03/2014 08:45

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 053

You deserved it 5 580

02/06/2018 15:00

Today, my parents woke me up and grounded me for the "disrespectful" things I said to them in my sleep. Apparently I say these things every night, and each time I do they extend the grounding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 007

You deserved it 244

Awkward family gatherings

By Anonymous - 13/08/2013 16:01

Today, I was eating with my grandma and her sister, who don't get along. I went to the bathroom for just 2 minutes, only to come back to find pancakes everywhere and our plates smashed on the ground. They got into a "little argument". FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 131

You deserved it 3 438

21/05/2019 12:00

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 92

23/02/2012 20:25

Spicy

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 763

You deserved it 37 391

26/01/2016 04:54

Today, after months of all my friends telling me that the guy whom I was in love with most definitely held feelings for me, I was finally convinced by their words, and with confidence I went and confessed my feelings to him. I was rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 726

You deserved it 1 968

01/02/2012 19:35

Today, my son sprayed our white couch with Febreze. This would have been great, were the "Febreze" not actually black spray paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 453

You deserved it 4 007

11/07/2014 06:04

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 636

You deserved it 4 734

15/10/2013 00:16

Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone thought it would be funny to put chunks of bread on and around my junk. Seagulls have sharp beaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 750

You deserved it 5 012

24/12/2010 03:03

Spicy

Today, my fiancé and I attempted to have sex in my childhood bedroom. As we were falling onto the bed, I smacked my head on the wall, which caused a shelf of stuffed toys to fall onto the bed. Not only did it kill the mood, the shelf also hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 730

You deserved it 9 508

Covidiots

By Anonymous - 14/01/2021 02:01

Today, I found out my roommate was exposed to COVID back on New Year's. She tested positive on the 4th and was scared too tell me because she, "didn't want me to see her as irresponsible." Now I can't work for 2 weeks and need to find a place to stay because my roommate still doesn't think it's "that serious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 090

You deserved it 152

02/07/2015 20:25

Today, a guest at the hotel I work at started shouting at me. Apparently the street vendor selling sunglasses outside the hotel sold her a pair of 'genuine' Ray Bans for $5. She wanted me to phone the police because she realized two days later they were fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 191

You deserved it 1 807

30/07/2010 04:40

Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 031

You deserved it 33 391

09/02/2018 23:00

Today, I'm a superintendent at a school, and it snowed today after school. The snow ended up freezing on the road, so I called school off for tomorrow. I sent calls home, cancelled all school events, and then realized that it's Friday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 082

You deserved it 3 291

24/02/2016 15:05

Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 059

You deserved it 1 263

31/08/2013 16:25

Today, I went skinny-dipping with my friends. At one point, I jokingly pointed out how one of them had the smallest boobs of us all. She calmly got out of the pond, dried herself, scooped up our clothes and phones, and drove off in her car. The cops she called arrived soon after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 931

You deserved it 72 537

03/09/2018 22:00

Today, I learned that my new apartment complex does not allow "altercations in community areas". This includes pulling my child out of the pool and reprimanding him for holding his cousin under water. I can't parent outside my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 961

You deserved it 233

23/08/2012 07:56

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 179

You deserved it 2 788

06/01/2012 22:49

Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 180

You deserved it 5 359

26/04/2009 04:11

Today, I was hanging out at my school with some friends when my mom came to pick me up. A girl I knew wanted a hug before I left. I turned around to hug her and a clip on my backpack got stuck on her tank top. I tuned away the clip pulled the shirt ripping it and exposing her naked chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 401

You deserved it 8 687

09/04/2009 10:47

Today, I was out shopping for bras. While in one store, I couldn't seem to find any in my size. When I asked an employee for help, they took one look at my chest and said "Mabye you should try our girls section, we have a lot of training bras." I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 353

You deserved it 4 981

12/06/2009 23:35

Today, I wanted to use my gift card for a liquor store. I went to pay the cashier, who said he needed to see my license. I gave it to him as well as my gift card. After paying, he asked me if I wanted him to cut it up, since the card was now worth $0. I said yes. He cut the wrong card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 411

You deserved it 4 743

15/10/2016 05:54

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 953

You deserved it 1 404

Oh lawd, he comin'

By logkitty - 10/04/2012 04:35

Today, I was sitting in my car outside my apartment complex when a man came around the corner holding something shiny, and I thought was a gun. Thinking I was about to get robbed at gunpoint, I bugged out and threw up. It was a silver watering can. He asked if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 528

You deserved it 12 776

09/10/2009 15:05

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 441

You deserved it 42 855

13/05/2011 23:06

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 865

You deserved it 4 278

08/09/2018 09:00

Today, while pooping at work, I was scrolling through social media. I dropped my phone in the toilet and the automatic flusher engaged, flushing my phone halfway into the pipes, which then flooded the toilet. I had to call maintenance and explain what happened to retrieve phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 741

You deserved it 2 115

20/03/2009 15:07

Spicy

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 552

You deserved it 17 037

28/03/2017 14:00

Spicy

Today, my 4-year-old son discovered that he really likes masturbating. So much in fact, that he took pictures of it with my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 258

You deserved it 698

31/03/2009 20:47

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 035

You deserved it 10 121

Turn it off, make it stop!

By ricewine23 - 04/08/2021 04:01

Today, I bought a truck. It's a little beat up, but I got a pretty good deal because of it… Or so I thought. Turns out there's a Nickelback CD stuck in the player. And the radio is spotty. I can't help but think that had something to do with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 177

20/07/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 752

You deserved it 227

06/02/2009 14:28

Today, I hung out with a friend who has been too busy to hang out with me in a few months. I decided to make the day super special with fun plans and spent a lot of money doing so. When I got home, her facebook status said "Pointless day, gone to bed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 708

You deserved it 2 979

12/06/2019 14:00

Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 2 792

Pincushion

By Anonymous - 28/04/2020 23:00

Today, I accidentally broke a vase. When I was clearing it up, I used my bare hand to sweep up the shards without thinking. I'm still fishing pieces of broken glass out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 1 899

06/12/2014 18:23

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. I pointed out that due to a technicality, if he hired someone to replace me, he'd have to pay them more anyway. He said he'd gladly pay more for "someone who knows his god-damn place" and made it clear I'll be jobless very soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 372

You deserved it 9 016

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Saturday 4 October 2014 18:56

That's one way to give head

PinkiePiePony 19

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Saturday 4 October 2014 18:55

Crickets Chirping Kisses Hurting

Comments

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Saturday 4 October 2014 18:54

ouch. hope you're okay.

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Saturday 4 October 2014 19:39

Well now she nose not to do that again

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Saturday 4 October 2014 22:04

I like what you did there! Seriously though, as someone who works in emergency medicine, trying to be overly cute or kinky can go very wrong... just go with the flow and don't try too hard, for your own sake.

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Sunday 5 October 2014 4:44

@25: What on earth does emergency medicine have to do with being cute or kinky?

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Sunday 5 October 2014 5:12

I've heard crazy stories like where this woman got a beer bottle stuck in her snach. People attempt many things that you wouldn't think of in your dizziest daydreams

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Wednesday 8 October 2014 21:07

DocBastard's Coca-Cola Trauma Patient! #34

PinkiePiePony 19

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Saturday 4 October 2014 18:55

Crickets Chirping Kisses Hurting

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Saturday 4 October 2014 18:56

That's one way to give head

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Saturday 4 October 2014 18:58

Just start to talk about your day

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Saturday 4 October 2014 19:00

when you were just head butted and in pain? I don't think so.

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Saturday 4 October 2014 18:58

*awkwarldly walks away*

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Saturday 4 October 2014 19:03

Nose is a sensitive topic, anyone? Okay?

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Saturday 4 October 2014 23:46

No one

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Wednesday 22 October 2014 6:05

#7, -17 people agreed with you

andits 21

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Saturday 4 October 2014 19:05

Ouch....nothing like a little small talk and another kiss can't fix

CallMeWindSock 24

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Saturday 4 October 2014 19:07

That's very unfortunate, but you'll surely be able to fix it with another kiss

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Saturday 4 October 2014 19:08

lock him by lips 2 lips this time!

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Saturday 4 October 2014 19:17

But then he could sneeze into her mouth..

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Saturday 4 October 2014 19:12

Well, you nose better next time.