Miscellaneous: Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room....

By pauper - 09/02/2012 01:20

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 212

You deserved it 8 736

Miscellaneous

Hiding from the drama

Smart

Stuck

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

By SugarCoat - 08/06/2017 18:00

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 672

You deserved it 609

By BrokeBride - 14/08/2014 07:15 - United States - Hudson

Today, I asked for time off from work for my wedding and honeymoon. A grand total of three days. My boss made a face like he'd sucked on rancid toes and asked me if I was stupid. Awesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 375

You deserved it 3 318

By charishard - 04/05/2013 05:17 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was checking out a customer who seemed quite friendly. As I finished, he reached slightly over the counter and I impulsively reached out and shook his hand. He gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Can I have my change please?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 299

You deserved it 35 040

By MollyMoodle7 - 22/06/2011 07:11 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend bought me Kings of Leon tickets for my birthday. Since he thought I was irresponsible, he gave the tickets to his mum so I wouldn't lose them. The show is today, and we can't find the tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 925

You deserved it 4 176

By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 22:49 - Australia - Kensington

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 882

You deserved it 4 989

By Anonymous - 05/01/2013 00:56 - Netherlands - Groningen

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 400

You deserved it 5 167

Oh, the sinning

By Liliannn - 23/09/2021 08:00

Today, I found out I’m pregnant. This would be joyful news, if the father wasn’t my friend’s soon-to-be husband. I’m one of the bridesmaids at their wedding tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 175

You deserved it 3 687

By slicero - 07/12/2016 04:40

Today, I finally got a package for some pieces that my model kit was missing after I had contacted customer services about the problem. The package was still missing a piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 983

You deserved it 628

By yollew - 25/11/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 746

You deserved it 30 050

By Anonymous - 22/12/2009 01:30 - Canada

Today, I got fed up with the amount of hair on my feet, so I went to get my foot hair waxed off. When I removed my socks, the waxer laughed the amount of foot hair. I'm a 18 year old female and it appears I have feet that were last seen on Big Foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 002

You deserved it 4 072

By Laila - 20/02/2013 12:01 - United States

Today, my son asked me if the short films I write are for little kids or for adults. Since I write horror-filled films, I said it was for adults. He went and told his teacher that I made "adult films". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 481

You deserved it 5 209

By Clumsy Clumsy - 16/04/2016 16:27 - Canada - Spruce Grove

Today, I ran up to my boyfriend to kiss him when he got home from work. I tripped and I fell on him, and he fell backwards. He ended up hitting his head on the sidewalk and had to get stitches. He also had a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 429

You deserved it 3 216

By Alittlebitiffy - 07/11/2016 13:51 - Australia

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 156

You deserved it 702

Great replacement

By Bottom feeder - 08/01/2016 03:41 - Hong Kong - Ngau Tau Kok

Today, my boss dropped a highly important and dense report on my desk that had to be finished by the end of the day. After the initial panic attack and hours of scrupulous work, I finished. She then asked me to pick up the revised copy, where my name was replaced with hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 651

You deserved it 1 418

By I_Lossed - 03/11/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 394

You deserved it 4 759

By LynnJ - 06/02/2010 02:18 - Canada

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 214

You deserved it 6 926

By bubbles - 05/09/2009 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I worked my first day at a nursery. At nap time I spent about an hour trying to get all the kids to calm down and go to sleep. I'd finally got the last one to drop off, when my phone rang. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 657

You deserved it 40 978

By Anonymous - 02/12/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 703

You deserved it 2 913

By the un-loved child - 28/07/2013 22:34 - United States - Salida

Today, my mom confessed to loving my "little sister" more than she loves me. My "little sister" is the family dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 604

You deserved it 3 956

The joys of pregnancy

By Anonymous - 26/11/2021 15:59 - United States - Wausau

Today, while 9 months pregnant, i was sleeping soundly for once, cuddling with my cat, having a nice dream… until I woke up choking on acid reflux, peed the bed, peed on the carpet and all over myself trying to get to the bathroom. This is not the first time this has happened. At least I didn't puke this time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 134

By Rita - 10/12/2008 04:58 - France

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 289

You deserved it 6 275

By Sniffles - 26/04/2014 12:28 - Ireland

Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend 4 months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 391

You deserved it 30 287

By Anonymous - 03/12/2011 18:11 - United States

Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 154

You deserved it 3 565

By ruserious - 07/08/2015 11:24 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I discovered my new step-dad has a rule about the shower. After three minutes, he turns the water off at the source. I had to beg him to turn it back on whilst covered in shampoo suds, and the only way I could get him to give me another minute was to forfeit my phone for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 453

You deserved it 2 257

By Anonymous - 13/01/2014 07:34 - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 930

You deserved it 53 880

By slightlyslow - 02/07/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 560

You deserved it 52 785

By RDMdragoon - 13/07/2009 11:16 - United States

Today, while deleting my ex-fiancée's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 971

You deserved it 4 513

New isn't always good

By anonymous - 11/01/2015 19:10 - United States - Iowa City

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 203

You deserved it 32 256

By Awahso - 16/10/2013 21:42 - United States - Buford

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 146

You deserved it 3 598

Boozehound alert

By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/04/2020 23:00

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 201

By Anonymous - 10/09/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I pretended to drunk text some friends. When in all reality I was sitting home all alone. I don't know what's worse: that I pretended that I was social and drunk, or that the friend I said I was with was actually with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 125

You deserved it 52 302

Busted!

By angela - 09/04/2020 23:00

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 1 970

By skipper - 12/02/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I listened to my room mate having sex from 3 A.M. until 6 A.M. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 663

You deserved it 12 039

By squeltorey - 03/08/2012 19:28 - United States - Whittier

Today, after waking up, I went into the kitchen and took a swig of milk from the carton. I overestimated my strength, and the whole thing splashed all over my face. A few moments later, my dad staggered in, looked at me in disgust, and said, "You know what? I don't even wanna know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 754

You deserved it 11 121

Considerate

By AloneAtPerkins - 05/02/2021 14:01

Today, I was sick and had a migraine. Being sick turns me into a big baby, and I told my boyfriend I didn't want to be alone. Two hours into my shift, he texted me saying he "needs to let off some steam because he hadn't in a long time." Guess who ended up staying home alone until his drunk ass needed to be taken care of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 221

By Anonymous - 02/12/2017 05:00

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 905

You deserved it 1 025

By Kelli - 28/08/2010 04:56 - United States

Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 141

You deserved it 42 128

By drkate25 - 18/12/2012 22:02 - United States - Enfield

Today, I ate brunch at my in-laws. The food all tasted off to me so I didn't eat much, telling my mother-in-law I was watching my weight. Later on, while out doing a bit of shopping, I stopped at a red light. Guess who pulled up next to me while I was scarfing a fast food burger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 807

You deserved it 30 464

By Pumpkin - 18/07/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 161

You deserved it 102 815

Sex work is work

By Hopeful - 27/02/2021 11:01

Today, barely able to pay rent while working 3 jobs, I decided to give in to the idea of making online sex work photos and videos. Everyone else seems to be making thousands doing it, so why not? Turns out that the only people interested in my body are scammers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 101

You deserved it 388

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

eminemop 0

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 8:46

Hey, while he's there have him work for his stay- he can live there and you don't have to do laundry or dishes! It's a win-win situation!

ninjuh_wingman 29

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 8:48

You know your house is messy when a hobo believes that theres no way someone would live in it.

eminemop 0

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 8:46

Hey, while he's there have him work for his stay- he can live there and you don't have to do laundry or dishes! It's a win-win situation!

ladyLALAA 28

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 8:56

Funny you say that, we have a girl who sleeps on our couch/loungeroom floor and she cooks/cleans for board. She messed up spaghetti out of the jar so now she just cleans.

Nightvenom 0

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 9:44

It's time to clean house. Literally and figuratively. Give the man an ultimatum! Either he can stay in your home for the time being or he take what's left in the trashcan and GTFO. Don't forget to wish him well in his decision he chooses

_Oblivion_ 12

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 13:13

If a freaking homeless man can break into your house, you've got a problem.

Fuzzbump 5

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 8:47

Clean up your house!

Miss_Kristen 10

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 8:47

You need to be on Hoarders...

LookOnBrightSide 12

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 9:36

This might be one of the rare times when having OCD might actually help you out in life.

EduJav321 24

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 13:42

When a hobo tells you your house is run down, it must be REALLY messed up

ibv123_fml 3

Send a private message

Friday 10 February 2012 5:51

^wow didnt think about that, thats hilarious

syki 22

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 8:48

He crawled into bed with you after, didn't he? Free shelter, warmth, *and* a free bitch - what more could a man ask for?

hilary56 0

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 9:02

1. This is "bitch" is a guy 2. You are sick

LookOnBrightSide 12

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 9:34

4-OP's a male, you idiot!

conqueror57 11

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 9:46

You think this homeless guy has so many dates line up that he can be picky over something as insignificant as gender??

lizard399 0

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 11:47

Just want to point out to you that your comment is irrelevant, seeing as though you don't know what a man is. A "man" would never refer to a lady as a "bitch". Plus you didn't even check the gender before you commented.

ladyLALAA 28

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 13:45

24, all the comments are irrelevant, it's the Internet! :)

lizard399 0

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 13:58

Well, more so when you're a sexiest fool.

lizard399 0

Send a private message

Thursday 9 February 2012 14:01

Sexest? Sexiest? Sex..est..? I can't figure out how to spell it because I've never had to before.. Just thought I'd put that out there before a pack of wolves corrected my spelling.