Love: Today, the crush I've had for months finally came over to my... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 260

You deserved it 64

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121

You deserved it 1 093

26/07/2015 17:55

Today, the crush I've had for months finally came over to my place for the first time. It didn't last long however, as I suddenly had to go to the ER for severe testicular pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 029

You deserved it 2 139

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Keep up!

Stomach bug?

22/05/2009 23:25

Today, while driving across country, my car broke down while in the middle of nowhere. I had it towed to a mechanic in the nearest town. While he fixed the car, I went to get lunch. The only restaurant in town was an old-fashioned drive-up diner. They wouldn't serve me because I wasn't in a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 375

You deserved it 2 712

16/11/2012 19:42

Spicy

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 037

You deserved it 4 133

28/07/2014 20:47

Today, while working an early shift, I was dressing a wound on a gorgeous guy, when he laughed and pointed out some granny panties next to me on the floor. I guess I forgot to take yesterday's underwear out of my pants before putting them back on this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 252

You deserved it 10 130

13/02/2012 21:23

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 547

You deserved it 6 471

Square eyes

By comedybreak - 30/10/2011 16:31

Today, my doctor told me that the reason I'm losing my eyesight is because I'm straining my eyes, and that the best thing for me to do is to limit my time in front of computers. I spent years in college to get my current job which involves sitting in front of computers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 170

You deserved it 2 736

18/02/2012 02:04

Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 262

You deserved it 8 169

Pissed

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 04:01

Today, I discovered that my cat will not use a litter box if it has a lid. How did I discover this? The two weeks of crystallized cat pee coating the floor under my 19th century grand piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 302

Mask confusion

By clairebear99 - 08/06/2021 08:01

Today, my coworker screamed at me for once again calling her by a different coworker's name. They have the same hair, skin color, and body type, so I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to tell them apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 346

You deserved it 1 377

24/01/2011 00:22

Today, I was at my doctor's office. I thought I had a kidney stone. Turns out I'm pregnant and I have a kidney stone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 384

You deserved it 5 378

24/06/2014 02:26

Today, while visiting family, we went to a restaurant to eat. Towards the end of the meal, I went to use the restroom. When I came back, everyone was gone. Everyone had actually gotten into their cars and left without me. I have no idea where I am and no one is answering their phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 678

You deserved it 4 745

18/11/2011 00:50

Today, my dad and I got into a fight over who gets the last corner piece of the brownies. I ended up with a black eye and and a sprained wrist. He ended up with the brownie and ran away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 837

You deserved it 7 715

30/12/2011 06:35

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 429

You deserved it 4 330

03/02/2010 08:42

Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 525

You deserved it 39 081

17/09/2011 07:44

Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital, my boyfriend dumped me. I then had to ride home, a 2 hour drive, listening to my mother and aunt tell me he was the best thing to happen to me and I will never find a better man. Then the morphine wore off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 589

You deserved it 2 723

Connecting people

By sam - 02/12/2020 23:01

Today, I learned that the person my ex-girlfriend left me for is my ex-girlfriend from before her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 121

27/10/2013 23:46

Spicy

Today, I got married. My husband and I had been waiting until marriage to have sex, and when the time came, we started to undress. As I took my bra off, his eyes glazed over, and he fainted. An hour later, all he could say was, "I don't think we're meant to be together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 068

You deserved it 9 518

08/10/2018 12:00

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 473

You deserved it 361

13/08/2012 15:06

Spicy

Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 506

You deserved it 37 910

Check this out!

By What an ass - 23/02/2021 14:01

Today, while using my phone camera as a mirror, I managed to broadcast a Facebook Live video of myself applying haemorrhoid cream to my asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 1 128

No data for you

By Anonymous - 10/01/2021 11:01

Today, I got my first Android phone. Being aware that they are somewhat inclined to collecting data about you, I was still surprised when I had to tell the eBay app, of all things, that it wasn't allowed to know how much I exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 150

08/11/2018 08:30

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 671

You deserved it 536

15/03/2014 21:48

Today, I followed my wife out, since she's been acting strangely lately and I was suspicious. She met up with a guy at a restaurant, who she later claimed was her brother. Either she's cheating on me, or it's tradition in her family to make out and grope each other at the end of meals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 335

You deserved it 4 834

Born to run

By Nate - 21/12/2020 11:02

Today, I can’t divorce my lazy, unemployed, shopping-addicted, cheating wife because her father is one of the best, sleaziest, underhanded divorce lawyers in our city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 090

You deserved it 151

20/11/2015 00:53

Today, I found my expensive lingerie I thought I had lost. In my 15-year-old brother's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 550

You deserved it 2 205

10/11/2010 02:11

Today, my boyfriend, who doesn't wear deodorant and has horrible dandruff, decided to shower for the first time in nearly a week because he got invited out to a bar. He didn't even invite me to go with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 709

You deserved it 39 767

09/08/2010 16:54

Today, I was in the car with my parents' friends. I was in the back with my window down when I felt something strange hit my ear. I then realized that the person sitting in front of me was picking their scab and throwing it out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 730

You deserved it 2 617

07/11/2015 14:14

Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 316

You deserved it 1 509

25/08/2016 00:37

Today, I found out that my wife is seeing a marriage counselor. With her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 791

You deserved it 897

29/01/2010 08:43

Today, the girl I've been dating asked me to describe her body. I said "Thin an toned but curvy in all the right places." I then asked her the same question to which she replied, "I don't know, you know I'm always drunk when we're together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 386

You deserved it 4 603

08/12/2009 08:19

Today, in aerobics, while stretching, my friend leaned over to pull the long hair off my pants. It was my pubic hair sticking through my pants, and I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 615

You deserved it 47 037

21/08/2009 08:06

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 103

You deserved it 6 551

23/11/2015 20:50

Today, after locking my keys in the car and waiting 3 hours for my mom to bring me my spare, I reached into my bag only to find my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 963

You deserved it 17 809

10/09/2009 13:40

Today, I was sitting in my garden and having a cup of tea while watching some dragonflies. I thought the dragonflies were really pretty, so I ran towards them and tried to catch their tails like I used to when I was a kid. They were exotic wasps. Ouch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 315

You deserved it 50 128

28/10/2011 23:39

Spicy

Today, I went over to my friend's house. We were teasing each other, when she stood up and began to jokingly walk away. Trying to be cute, I tried to pull her onto my knee. I miscalculated and she ended up sitting right on my boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 532

You deserved it 19 793

10/06/2012 07:54

Today, I drove my drunk sister home after a wild night of partying. She did not go to bed as I expected; instead, she laid in the bathtub and cried every time I left her. Now it's 3AM, and she's using her bra as a lasso for various objects in the room. The best part is I work in 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 148

You deserved it 3 217

Don't let it come to this

By Anonymous - 27/08/2021 02:01

Today, we had the cops called on us because my son was panicking so much about his first COVID jab, his older sister got fed up, took him outside, put him in a headlock and choked him unconscious so the nurse could jab him. Instead, the nurse called the cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 374

You deserved it 1 123

"I Raised a Sociopath"

By Anonymous - 12/09/2020 02:03

Spicy

Today, my daughter admitted she struggles to keep a boyfriend because as soon as she shares with them her kink of fucking guys with strap-ons and occasionally inserting other items into them, they flee. As a father, this was way more info about my daughter's sex life than I can handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 021

You deserved it 250

29/11/2009 21:10

Today, a funny smelling liquid was sprayed all over the computer. Last week, I told my fully pottytrained but extremely reluctant toddler that he couldn't play Barney games until he used the big boy toilet. A 4 year old's revenge really sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 816

You deserved it 5 570

27/06/2011 23:34

Spicy

Today, I saw a guy with a "free hugs" poster. Since nobody else was hugging him, I decided to. He had a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 647

You deserved it 41 129

30/01/2010 19:21

Today, I accidentally emailed the entire company everyone's salary, sales history, and the names of four people I intended to fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 789

You deserved it 48 848

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Top comments

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:02

So blue balls?

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:04

She must've think you've gone nuts! In a serious note, hope she understands OP.

Comments

ThePaperDragon 31

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:02

What could possibly have gone wrong in so little time? I hope all ends well!

darkmournings 12

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:08

ditto

darkmournings 12

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:08

ditto

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:10

She showed up at his door to kick him at the nuts for stalking her over the past few months.

ThePaperDragon 31

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:13

That honestly makes a great deal of sense!

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Monday 27 July 2015 7:55

He made a move and she kicked him in the balls so hard he had to go to the ER? That's about all I see happening unless he was already ignoring the pain of something else going wrong with his testicles and it suddenly got too bad to ignore.

sturschaedel 27

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Wednesday 29 July 2015 0:17

She gave him a blowjob and squeezed his balls until one ruptured.

JETarchitect 32

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Tuesday 1 November 2016 6:43

#74 I see what you did there!

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:02

So blue balls?

semitoundboss 4

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:19

Sounds like he had it so bad his balls literally turned blue.

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Monday 27 July 2015 6:13

Sounds like those blue balls officially reached critical condition to me

4WheelBurnout 14

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Monday 27 July 2015 8:34

I feel like a follow up is needed from OP

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Monday 27 July 2015 15:52

Worst case of blue balls ever. He should have remembered the movie There's something about Mary and taken matters in his own hands first.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 9:48

Hahah!

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:02

What the hell happened..? Considering I've had the ovary version of that, I feel your pain! Hope you feel better OP!

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Monday 27 July 2015 21:42

Pretty sure he got kicked in the nuts

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 10:03

amen, he's fine on a serous note though.

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:03

Hope the nads are alright!

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:03

Follow up on why you had testicular pains.

suosi 21

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Monday 27 July 2015 17:48

I should go ask my ex for that answer

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 10:04

hospital didn't tell him anything...I have an aunt named sue!

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:03

Aw. that's got to be pretty embarrassing. hopefully you feel better and you two can laugh it off.

nutella4life 14

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:03

what did she kick u? I hope you're okay.

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:04

I'm guessing when they said love hurts, they meant it very literally.

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:04

Yikes! Not the best first (romantic) impression. Hope you're okay, though!

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Monday 27 July 2015 5:04

She must've think you've gone nuts! In a serious note, hope she understands OP.