Miscellaneous: Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob"... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML

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Out of it

Grammar police alert

Teacher's pet

By low_expectations - 18/10/2020 02:08 - United States - New York

Parental guilt

Today, my mother tried guilt-tripping me about coming home for the holidays by explaining that, “according to average life expectancy,” she and my father could be dead in the next 10-25 years. I’m already coming home for the holidays. She knows this. FML

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By snitchovich - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

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By notagain - 7/3/2020 09:01

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 05:00

Next!

Today, my therapist broke up with me after almost 3 years. I can’t pay people to listen to my problems. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - ?kersberga

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

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By MathTeacher - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

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By random - United States

Today, I asked a good friend what she thought would make me more attractive to women. Her advice was, "Don't be yourself." FML

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By FFFFF- - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend's best friend told me she was in hospital after having made a suicide attempt. In shock, I had a panic attack and ended up in the hospital myself. Turns out it was all a lie to see whether or not I was committed to the relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

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By J - Malta - Piet?

Today, my sister punched me in the face. My dad was actually annoyed with me when I told him. He said I'll never be a "real man" if I can't take a hit from a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - High Springs

Today, while working as a highway patrol officer, I pulled over my girlfriend for speeding and was required by law to ticket her. Another officer was with me, so I couldn't not ticket her without being reported. We share a joint account, so I basically ticketed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Inglewood

Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML

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By longest minute - United States - Cypress

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

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By Not Gay - United States - Williamston

Today, I found out the reason my crush has been talking so openly to me. Not because she likes me back, but because she thinks I'm gay. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend was about to sneeze. To avoid getting his new tablet wet, he chose to sneeze right into my face instead. FML

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By em - United States

Today, I was working and some woman wanted to pay with a credit card. It already had a picture on the card so you don't have to ask for i.d., and just glancing at it I asked, "Oh, is this your husband's card?" She then replied, "No, that's just me with glasses and short hair." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

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By Al - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Worcester

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, my dad unlocked the bathroom door and barged in without warning only to catch me, with no clothes on, masturbating. He said, "sorry" but stayed for another 20 seconds to look for his shampoo. FML

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By chlolivia - Canada

Today, my bra burst apart in the middle of class. I then had the privilege of asking my male teacher if I could borrow his stapler to put it back together. FML

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By Cheesey_Dorito

Today, I couldn't find the keys to open the store I work at. The resulting stress gave me chest pains that ended up sending me to the hospital. I still missed work and my father found the keys under the passenger seat in his car. The same seat I sat in on the way to the hospital. FML

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By FuckYou - United States - Santa Maria

Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML

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By bass - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend watching me sleep. I asked him if he was staring at me because he was in love. He replied that it was because my farting wouldn't let him sleep. FML

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By Liz - United States

Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML

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By Gumfanatic302 - United States

Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

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By LoveUGuysToo - 5/8/2020 14:03

Where did everyone go?

Today, I wrote a Facebook post venting about the horrible things I've been going through lately, hoping my friends would console me. I discovered that my English teacher from 30 years ago, the creepy dude who keeps asking me out, and some random chick I don't even know are my only "friends." FML

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By magicman - Canada

Today, while buying groceries, I noticed that the lady in front of me had left a box behind. I grabbed the box and ran out the door after her. After turning around to find three employees chasing me, I noticed I had just stolen the donation box. FML

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By little_star78 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I tried to put the little girl I babysit in timeout for lying to me. I was about to sit her down when she made a mad dash for the basement stairs, slipped on the wood floor, and fell down them. She told her parents and everyone at the ER that I had thrown her down the stairs. FML

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By unlovedandunfucked - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML

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By Randomspaghetti - United States - Lehi

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

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By

Last act

Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, I woke up to my drunk great grandfather peeing on my cat and thinking it was absolutely hysterical. This isn't the first time and he just moved in with me for the next six weeks. FML

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By Yudith - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

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Top comments

By Luckster | 0

#775056 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

You're better off without him if he's that immature. 8|

By CyclonePsycho | 1

#775064 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:21

If he feels the need to call people fat slob, then that relationship was going nowhere anyway. Still, sorry your feelings got hurt.

COMMENTS

By 1800getalife | 0

#775047 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

justmeagirl | 0

#775067 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:22

YDI for dating that type of jack ass

Reply

jessxoxo28 | 5

#775081 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:27

u must have ticked him off, cuz y would he break up with u like that?

Reply

McFail_fml | 4

#775116 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:38

he probably isn't wrong is he was able to write "we're through fat slob" on just her forehead...
imagine how many words he can fit on her jelly rolls

Reply

saranottelling | 7

#775170 - Friday 15 January 2010 3:03

You should key, "karma is a bitch." into his car. Sorry that happened to you, OP. On the bright side, you can now find someone who doesn't have a cold heart. :)

Reply

tiancai | 0

#775889 - Friday 15 January 2010 11:40

#33 because every guy has a car, right? I'm sure if he was rich enough to have his own car he could score a much hotter chick than a "fat slob" one. Good luck trying to key that message into his monthly bus pass...

Reply

ellephaba101 | 0

#1087102 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 3:01

get bangs op!

Reply

Fred_Fred_Burger | 0

#1615440 - Thursday 28 October 2010 10:20

I know right but i'd still do that.

Reply

Creamysweeps | 5

#2708939 - Saturday 18 June 2011 16:22

oh, fucking asshole.

By lexi_cacao | 0

#775051 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

oh no!! Here's hoping there isn't much truth to the last bit...

By Luckster | 0

#775056 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

You're better off without him if he's that immature. 8|

Reply

mj2123 | 0

#775108 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:35

Exactly.

By ky_finest_18 | 0

#775057 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:19

OMG.. I would of been pissed! jus remember that karmas a bitch :)

By TheRipper_fml | 0

#775060 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:20

You deserved it for apparently being a fat slob.

Reply

tehman117 | 21

#6393801 - Wednesday 26 August 2015 20:25

Just cause someone says they're fat doesnt mean they are. Would you tell an anorexic person to lose weight if they thought they were fat?

By lpcd23 | 0

#775062 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:20

hahahaha don't worry it's true karma IS a bitch!

Reply

iloveyouu_24 | 0

#2386164 - Friday 22 April 2011 2:06

You do realize this FML had nothing to do with karma. Just an ass of a boyfriend and a sleeping marker faced chick.!!

By CyclonePsycho | 1

#775064 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:21

If he feels the need to call people fat slob, then that relationship was going nowhere anyway. Still, sorry your feelings got hurt.

By bigbeast | 0

#775065 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:21

that suuuckss

By lucifer69_fml | 0

#775069 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:23

why didn't he just write 'cunt' on your forehead? that word suits any occasion

By xxshannonxx456 | 0

#775074 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:24

he's a dick.