Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to... - FML

By Anonymous - 14/1/2010 21:56 - United States

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

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No justice

A beautiful truck decoration

Not a cheating!

By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

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By shmelly - 16/4/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By Italian_Stallion - 16/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML

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By monkeywrench - 30/8/2015 11:29 - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

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By queenmeme - 8/10/2014 06:02 - United States - Redlands

Today, I showed my mom a picture of a baby sloth. She then said, "Wait, sloths are real?" She thought Ice Age made them up. FML

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By Broke Ass Hoe - 28/12/2017 15:00

Today, as I realized I'm too broke to go out and get more toilet paper, I noticed my cat chewing on something and tearing it apart. It was my last roll. FML

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By shitty shit - 26/5/2015 15:40 - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

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By baddream - 25/4/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, at my grandmothers funeral I tried my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. Afterwards, my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2018 06:00 - United States - Pittsford

Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML

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By Cindy - 20/3/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, my dad told me he has been dating my boyfriend's mom while I was away at college. They have gotten pretty serious, and are thinking about getting married. I might be dating my stepbrother. FML

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By why - 4/11/2015 01:13 - United States

Today, it's easier to buy a house than it is to get out of a gym contract. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 02:00

Today, they played Nickelback at our school dance. FML

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By medik - 23/2/2010 12:51 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's parents house for dinner. This was the first time I was meeting them, so I bought a $70 bottle of red wine to try and impress them. I tried to be smooth while popping the cork. I did, but the bottle slipped and red wine poured onto their white carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 12:52 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML

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By probablydodgedabullet - 8/11/2013 11:30 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a text message consisting solely of emoticons. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, the police came to my door and told me about a woman who called the cops on me because she said that I had been following her in my car. We were on the highway. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 04:02 - United States

Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 07:06 - Canada

Today, at work I was looking for my lost wallet. After hours of looking I gave up and went home. The wallet then shows up in my mail box with an envelope marked "To the asshole." I opened the letter and it was filled with poop. My wallet too. FML

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By V - 9/2/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2011 09:25 - Monaco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2014 21:46 - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Tuzla

Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML

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By ===== - 14/1/2014 17:59 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, the sewage pipe busted on the side of our house, spew fecal matter and the condoms I recently flushed. My parents now refuse to talk to me, and won't let my girlfriend anywhere near the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 11:05 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

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By anonymous - 20/1/2012 05:02 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 06:04 - United States

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, my girl and I were in bed trying to nap before class. She kept tossing and turning, obvious signs that she was having no luck. Sweetly, I ask her if there was anything I could do to help her relax. She says "you can tell me a story about your day, that always puts me to sleep". FML

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By Unlucky - 15/11/2014 02:18 - Australia - Cairns

Today, I realized that at 20 years old I already have noticeable wrinkles around my eyes. But to balance it out, my chronic acne keeps me looking youthful. FML

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By fEk - 22/3/2019 09:00 - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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By DWIcop - 3/4/2019 00:00

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

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By JenniWearsPrada - 20/4/2011 08:27

Today, I decided to start my exercise video routine. It's an African dance workout DVD. Just as I felt confident and motivated about getting in shape, I realized that my window was wide open and my neighbors were getting a front row seat to me waving my arms in the air like an idiot. FML

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By Bottomless_Pit_for_the_NOMS - 23/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Miami

That homely smell

Today, my mother had just got home and we were both in the kitchen. She then starts to get out food and I smelled deviled eggs. Delighted, I asked, "Do I smell deviled eggs?" She turned around laughing and announced she'd farted. I effectively got hungry from my mother’s fart. FML

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By nokitchenforme - 3/12/2010 05:18 - Canada

Today, I overheard my mother telling a friend she got me oven mitts for Christmas. I got her two cruise tickets. I hate to cook. Which she knows. FML

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By AliKate - 17/8/2019 14:01

Today, my father has finally started to focus on his health to reduce his weight and cholesterol. He has also decided that I'll do it with him. Now, he won't let me eat unless he's there to watch me. He leaves at 7 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9. FML

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By sparkyjaf - 14/5/2015 12:41 - Australia - West Pymble

Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML

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By wmkaz - 21/4/2012 06:15 - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2013 18:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML

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By Kristin - 3/1/2011 04:14 - United States

Today, my husband's old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML

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By person - 26/12/2011 17:59 - Jordan

Today, I was applying some Icy Hot to my sore thighs, when I accidentally got a little on my dime sacks. For the next hour, it felt like someone had lit a match under my plums. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2012 05:26 - United States

Today, I was headed on vacation with my family. On the way, our trailer tire blew out. Because the trailer was tilted from the flat tire, the door would not open to get the spare. After breaking the window to get the spare and putting it on, the spare blew out. FML

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By Watsausrname - 14/6/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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Top comments

By spazztcat16 | 0

#775054 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

neither will I.... oh god

By IsaacYorkHawk | 0

#775090 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:29

Wow. If she is a woman, I feel sorry for her husband. Must be a disaster down there.

COMMENTS

By tnae2 | 0

#775049 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:17

haha

Reply

nam3 | 0

#775063 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:21

i dont get i would compare it to the cat in the boots

Reply

guitardedman | 0

#775986 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:15

i'd rather enjoy pussy than some shitty kids movie...

Reply

cms_family | 0

#785383 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 2:48

that. I never wnated to picture...ew

Reply

alex112094 | 5

#918055 - Saturday 6 March 2010 3:57

you? youre a pussy?

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#988380 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 23:39

sounds like something my bio teacher would do. she actually showed us how to put on a condom. and she said if we had any questions needed help or needed or wanted condoms to talk to her. fmbc. f my bio class

Reply

storm777 | 0

#1023176 - Monday 7 June 2010 21:47

I kno exactly how she compare them. shrek ears look like where the ovaries are

Reply

gntfmlingnow | 12

#3098269 - Saturday 13 August 2011 5:25

117 she offered you guys condoms and you're complaining?

Reply

rock4climber | 9

#5523062 - Thursday 6 June 2013 6:49

oh god now, thanks to you, i won't be able to watch it either lol

By Daaniellee1234 | 8

#775053 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

ahaha oh god.

Reply

ashleyl87 | 0

#775696 - Friday 15 January 2010 8:25

Olio

By spazztcat16 | 0

#775054 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

neither will I.... oh god

By CyclonePsycho | 1

#775059 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:19

Wut? How does that work? xD

Reply

f_alltheirlives | 3

#775152 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:54

PUSSY TROLL

By AGGoddess | 2

#775071 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:23

It's just one movie. I don't see how your life is fucked because of that.

Reply

allco | 0

#839360 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 0:41

I think you take this too seriously

Reply

number1dukie | 0

#975450 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 4:06

If I had to pick a movie to never see again, shrek woul be in the top ten. LMFAO about ur teacher. he reminds me of my health teacher

Reply

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6323061 - Wednesday 17 June 2015 10:07

It's four movies, actually

By tbaaaby | 0

#775073 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:24

I don't see how this is a fml. ha but it's funnny

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#1906082 - Thursday 30 December 2011 2:16

Maybe Shrek was one of the OPs favorite movies and the teacher ruined it for them.

By actress5698 | 1

#775084 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:28

u-huh

By lucifer69_fml | 0

#775085 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:28

mmm ovaries

Reply

MeatSucks777 | 0

#2812610 - Sunday 3 July 2011 11:02

what is wrong with you?!

By chaos753159 | 4

#775088 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:28

ö that is scary

By IsaacYorkHawk | 0

#775090 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:29

Wow. If she is a woman, I feel sorry for her husband. Must be a disaster down there.