Health: Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

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Serious times

Our house, in the middle of our street

Munchausen by proxy

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to an audition for a play. The casting director thanked me for my time, but told me they would pass because I had "the emotional range of a turnip." FML

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By Jessika - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

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By CatLover<3 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

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By Diesel - Belgium

Today, my motorcycle was stolen. If that wasn't bad enough, the thief drove past me. Twice. FML

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By 43_clothespins_later - United States - Richmond

Today, I fell asleep at my bus stop following a long day at work. I woke up to a homeless man giggling after he had clipped dozens of clothespins to my clothes, shoes, and hair in my sleep. FML

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By whyme_ss - United States

Today, I got into my boyfriends car having to pee really badly. I accidentally peed everywhere. He kicked me out. I had to walk four miles home in 20 degree weather. In wet clothes. FML

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By Author - United States - Naples

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 17:02

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

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By parentfail - United Kingdom

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spencer

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

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By Justme - United States

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

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By Anonymous

Taking pictures

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

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By CoronaDating

Covid-19 vs. Sex life

Today, I've been single for a couple of months. The last time I was single, Tinder and dating apps didn't exist. After figuring out how to be successful with those and setting up several dates, I've already had 3 date cancellations for this week because of the coronavirus. It's going to be a long couple of months. FML

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By Chipper - United States

Today, I was playing piano for a wedding rehearsal. Bored, I decided to pass the time playing through a book of music I found in the piano bench. Some time later the bride turns to me and screams at me to stop. I had turned the page and had begun to play "Let's call the whole thing off." FML

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By asthmatic - United States

Today, I used my inhaler for the first time in a year. As soon as I took a puff I felt something strange go down my throat. Upon closer inspection I discovered there had been a spider living in the mouth of my inhaler... and I had just swallowed it. FML

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By whirlednews - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 14:00

Happy Birthday, I guess…

Today, my family decided it'd be a great idea to berate me for not being excited enough for my brother and his wife's baby news. They told us on my birthday, adding that if I wasn't so fat I'd have one too. I have insulin-resistant PCOS. FML

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By lol - United Kingdom

Today, I sneezed while brushing my teeth and ended up with toothpaste in my eye. I haven't been able to see for two hours. FML

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By lanaoftherey - United States

Today, I went to get my car washed at one of those places where you can watch through the glass. I watched in horror, face pressed against the glass, as my car went through with the window down. FML

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By ftt

Today, Facebook notified me a "friend" had tagged me in one of his photos. It was a group photo of 20, but my face was the only one that was intentionally blocked out with an emoji because I "didn't belong in the group." FML

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By MrsGrinch

Today, I’d finally saved up enough to buy flights home for Christmas. After putting in the info several times, it wouldn’t work, so my husband decided to try and “help.” Not only did he buy flights to the wrong place, but now I have to wait another 5-7 days to be refunded. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2021 08:00

That's no excuse

Today, a customer yelled at me because I wouldn’t sell her a boneless chicken bucket with extra fries, beans, coleslaw and Pepsi. I work at Subway. FML

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By SporadiCOOL

Today, my parents told me that I wasn’t invited to a family wedding because it was too expensive to invite everyone. This would be fine, if they didn’t invite all my other cousins, and my baby sibling as well. To be honest, it’s probably just because I’m gay. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, my mother surprised me with a new alarm clock. It's attached to a toy car which races around my room with obnoxious sirens going at full blast until I crawl out of bed and turn it off. She says this will be a regular thing. FML

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By Michael tee - United States

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Sorry

Today, I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with another man. Her main reaction was to get mad at me for not knocking. FML

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By ananomus - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

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By very very lonely

Today, I bought a friendship bracelet. I'm not sure what's sadder, the fact that I don't actually have a friend to give the other half to, or that I'm actually wearing one of them so it looks like I have friends. FML

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By merpaderp14 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML

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By "Kaluhaluha"

Today, after having my car back for a few months after a $2,000 repair, I got in, only for it to not start. Don't worry. It's not the battery. It's the engine, which was fine yesterday. FML

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By rj - United States - Goddard

Today, my wife told me she was pregnant. I don't remember having sex since last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 23:02 - Canada

Yeah, fuck the poor

Today, I discovered my deadbeat ex-husband will not have to pay child support anymore, because while he sat on CERB the entire pandemic, I was an essential worker, and will be punished for having had an actual income. FML

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By engagedmaybe - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend asked me to marry him because he could get a tax cut from buying the ring. All of this happened in front of his mother. FML

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By csgocockblock - United States - Jenks

Today, when I got home from work I was pretty "in the mood" so I put on some cute undies and a tank top and went to get my boyfriends attention, he was so into his new computer game all I got was a half smile and a pat on the head. FML

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By MomOfBoys

Today, it's early-release before Christmas break for the kiddos, and my awesome-sauce boss let them hang out in our law office for the afternoon. So far, one has puked in the conference room, and the other has clogged the toilet. Only 2 hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend starts fights with me over text because apparently, when I'm arguing with someone, I stop speaking in "annoying shorthand" and am grammatically correct. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

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By tmac - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet. I automatically dove my hand in and ran out of the stall with it. As I dried it, some girls were laughing. I assumed that they were laughing because my phone fell in the toilet. Then I noticed my pants were still down. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 13:59

Nice try

Today, after spending days writing up an offer for a condo so my boyfriend and I could move in together with our 9-month-old, we found out they accepted a different offer. FML

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Top comments

By spazztcat16 | 0

#775054 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

neither will I.... oh god

By IsaacYorkHawk | 0

#775090 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:29

Wow. If she is a woman, I feel sorry for her husband. Must be a disaster down there.

COMMENTS

By tnae2 | 0

#775049 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:17

haha

Reply

nam3 | 0

#775063 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:21

i dont get i would compare it to the cat in the boots

Reply

guitardedman | 0

#775986 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:15

i'd rather enjoy pussy than some shitty kids movie...

Reply

cms_family | 0

#785383 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 2:48

that. I never wnated to picture...ew

Reply

alex112094 | 5

#918055 - Saturday 6 March 2010 3:57

you? youre a pussy?

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#988380 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 23:39

sounds like something my bio teacher would do. she actually showed us how to put on a condom. and she said if we had any questions needed help or needed or wanted condoms to talk to her. fmbc. f my bio class

Reply

storm777 | 0

#1023176 - Monday 7 June 2010 21:47

I kno exactly how she compare them. shrek ears look like where the ovaries are

Reply

gntfmlingnow | 12

#3098269 - Saturday 13 August 2011 5:25

117 she offered you guys condoms and you're complaining?

Reply

rock4climber | 9

#5523062 - Thursday 6 June 2013 6:49

oh god now, thanks to you, i won't be able to watch it either lol

By Daaniellee1234 | 8

#775053 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

ahaha oh god.

Reply

ashleyl87 | 0

#775696 - Friday 15 January 2010 8:25

Olio

By spazztcat16 | 0

#775054 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

neither will I.... oh god

By CyclonePsycho | 1

#775059 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:19

Wut? How does that work? xD

Reply

f_alltheirlives | 3

#775152 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:54

PUSSY TROLL

By AGGoddess | 2

#775071 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:23

It's just one movie. I don't see how your life is fucked because of that.

Reply

allco | 0

#839360 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 0:41

I think you take this too seriously

Reply

number1dukie | 0

#975450 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 4:06

If I had to pick a movie to never see again, shrek woul be in the top ten. LMFAO about ur teacher. he reminds me of my health teacher

Reply

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6323061 - Wednesday 17 June 2015 10:07

It's four movies, actually

By tbaaaby | 0

#775073 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:24

I don't see how this is a fml. ha but it's funnny

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#1906082 - Thursday 30 December 2010 2:16

Maybe Shrek was one of the OPs favorite movies and the teacher ruined it for them.

By actress5698 | 1

#775084 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:28

u-huh

By lucifer69_fml | 0

#775085 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:28

mmm ovaries

Reply

MeatSucks777 | 0

#2812610 - Sunday 3 July 2011 11:02

what is wrong with you?!

By chaos753159 | 4

#775088 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:28

ö that is scary

By IsaacYorkHawk | 0

#775090 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:29

Wow. If she is a woman, I feel sorry for her husband. Must be a disaster down there.