Health: Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my teacher compared the female reproductive system to Shrek's head. Never again will I be able to watch the movies. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Kick the bum out, part 2

Ideal first date

By Username

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML

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By tumbleshay - United States - Veneta

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend because I felt unappreciated. She found it appropriate to sarcastically say, "Oh no, how will I ever be able to open my jars?" FML

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By anon - United States

Today, while babysitting, I made the kids and myself peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. When their parents came home, their dad took out the same container of peanut butter I had used and let their dog lick out of it. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I came out of the closet, after years of fear and shame, thanks to my mom making me to go to a church full of fundies my whole life. In the end, I was in tears. All I got was a frown and a "So? Want a medal or something?" FML

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By Ally - United States

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

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By daughter - Sweden - V?rg?rda

Today, I found out that, for over three years, my boyfriend has solely been dating me to get closer to my mom. Apparently, "she's a total MILF." FML

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By AnhHung123 - 20/12/2020 16:58

Proper banter

Today, I was on a chat site and a couple of cute guys asked for my "ASL". I had no idea what that meant so I asked one of my cousins. He said it meant "asshole" and that they were calling me an asshole. So I cursed at everyone who was actually asking for my "age, sex and location." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my oven decided that it was going to lock and clean itself right in the middle of cooking my steaks. FML

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By Busted - South Africa

Today, I was woken up because the police were pounding on my door, and saying I am under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs then plant them on my front lawn. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML

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By socialix - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend with a serenade. After I finished, she told me she'd come over to tell me she'd found someone else and wanted to break up. FML

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By Forgotten One - France

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years decided to start an online blog about his life. He mentioned his cars, his friends and even his staff. I was never mentioned. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML

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By tbeemcgeebee - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

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By KitKat270 - Canada

Today, my mom informed me that she wouldn't be joining the rest of the girls in the limo ride to the church for my wedding ceremony because she wants to have her car with her. Why? Because she is planning to leave my wedding reception half way through to go home and take her dog out to pee. FML

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By no good deed... etc

Well Well Well

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, in college, we were asked at what age girls tend to become physically attractive. Wrongly thinking the answer was in relation to puberty, I said "Umm... 11 or 12?" Now everyone thinks I'm some kind of pedophile. FML

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By thatsjustgreat - United States

Today, I was trying to be-friend a boy who was sitting alone. He had his gameboy nearly plastered to his eyes. I, cleverly, say to him, "Geeze don't put that thing so close, your eyes will fall out!" He took off his sunglasses, eyes going crooked, and said, "I'm legally blind." Insert foot here. FML

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By pissed - United States

Today, I was on Facebook looking at pictures of my boyfriend, who was in his friend's wedding this past weekend. He said that none of the girlfriends could come because it would cost too much for the couple. I spent the weekend alone, and all his friend's girlfriends are in the pictures. FML

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By Uproar - Iceland

Today, I got a phone call from my 6-year-old son's school telling me they were concerned about him as he wouldn't stop barking at the radiator. After talking to my husband about it, I found out he's been teaching him so he could see the look on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 14:01

Disney 2021

Today, I realised that I'm kinda living the life of a Disney princess, because I'm lonely and all my friends are animals. Yes, I also talk to them. FML

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By Brown345 - United States

Today, I started a new job. I noticed all the beautiful women. Then I tripped on a cord running across the floor. They noticed me too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while setting up for a party I was having, I put black lights into our bathroom for the cool bright, neon color you get when you pee. When I turn them on to see where I need to continue cleaning, I see many, small, yellow hand prints on the walls. I have a nine year old brother. FML

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By NotBeingPaidEnough - United Kingdom - London

Today, a crazy homeless guy got angry because I wouldn't sell him a bottle of vodka at half price. He got so irrationally mad, he put his fingers down his throat and threw up on my checkout. FML

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By Ouch - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was at a professional tennis match. The ball was hit extremely hard, resulting in it going into the crowd. And when I say crowd, I mean my face. FML

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By Tired - United States

Today, I walked into an exam after having stayed up 20 straight hours studying. The professor looked at me and muttered, "Don't bother, I'm failing you either way." FML

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By skippydoda

Today, I went to the bank to open an account. It took hours for them to tell me that I needed my driver's license, passport, and residency paper. I returned with the documents. They then said that they couldn't help me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my new job at a small business. I was pretty excited to finally be working, until I found out the big boss is a creeper and sees no problem making comments such as "You're way more interesting than the rest of these slope-eyed fucks." FML

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By LonelyLoner - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with a girl I like and her best friend. We had a good time, even talked for a few hours at the restaurant, but after we left, she stopped talking to me. Her friend told her that I kept staring at her chest; I was trying to see what her pendant was. FML

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By brokenhearted - Sweden - Kung?lv

Today, I told my boyfriend he's the only good thing left in my life. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic, he said, and ended up breaking up with me. FML

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By buttuglyforeveralone :( - United Kingdom - Treharris

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

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By Oh no

Today, I went searching for my old school laptop only to find that my stepdad had swiped it and given it to his mother. My sex tapes and nudes are on it. FML

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By could be an fml commenter - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got the chance to speak to some of the top academics in my field. I was so hungover that I couldn't remember the title of the Masters degree I've spent two years studying for, let alone make intelligent comments. I'm pretty sure the only thing I got right was my name. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, for reasons that I dare not ask, I received a topless selfie from my Nan followed quickly by a simple sorry text. Sorry is not going to pay for the years of therapy I need. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was seeing my boyfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. I was so excited to see him that I gave him a big hug. He must have been excited to see me too, because he hugged me so tight that he squeezed a fart out of me. FML

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By bananapie69 - 10/4/2020 20:00

Social distancing gone wrong

Today, waiting in the deli line at the store, a woman stood directly next to me. I panicked and tried to move back to get a 6-foot distance, but in my panic I didn’t realize there was a stand behind me. I almost fell over, so I gasped super loud. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. FML

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Top comments

By spazztcat16 | 0

#775054 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

neither will I.... oh god

By IsaacYorkHawk | 0

#775090 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:29

Wow. If she is a woman, I feel sorry for her husband. Must be a disaster down there.

COMMENTS

By tnae2 | 0

#775049 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:17

haha

Reply

nam3 | 0

#775063 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:21

i dont get i would compare it to the cat in the boots

Reply

guitardedman | 0

#775986 - Friday 15 January 2010 13:15

i'd rather enjoy pussy than some shitty kids movie...

Reply

cms_family | 0

#785383 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 2:48

that. I never wnated to picture...ew

Reply

alex112094 | 5

#918055 - Saturday 6 March 2010 3:57

you? youre a pussy?

Reply

thatonek1d | 0

#988380 - Tuesday 4 May 2010 23:39

sounds like something my bio teacher would do. she actually showed us how to put on a condom. and she said if we had any questions needed help or needed or wanted condoms to talk to her. fmbc. f my bio class

Reply

storm777 | 0

#1023176 - Monday 7 June 2010 21:47

I kno exactly how she compare them. shrek ears look like where the ovaries are

Reply

gntfmlingnow | 12

#3098269 - Saturday 13 August 2011 5:25

117 she offered you guys condoms and you're complaining?

Reply

rock4climber | 9

#5523062 - Thursday 6 June 2013 6:49

oh god now, thanks to you, i won't be able to watch it either lol

By Daaniellee1234 | 8

#775053 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

ahaha oh god.

Reply

ashleyl87 | 0

#775696 - Friday 15 January 2010 8:25

Olio

By spazztcat16 | 0

#775054 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:18

neither will I.... oh god

By CyclonePsycho | 1

#775059 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:19

Wut? How does that work? xD

Reply

f_alltheirlives | 3

#775152 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:54

PUSSY TROLL

By AGGoddess | 2

#775071 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:23

It's just one movie. I don't see how your life is fucked because of that.

Reply

allco | 0

#839360 - Wednesday 10 February 2010 0:41

I think you take this too seriously

Reply

number1dukie | 0

#975450 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 4:06

If I had to pick a movie to never see again, shrek woul be in the top ten. LMFAO about ur teacher. he reminds me of my health teacher

Reply

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6323061 - Wednesday 17 June 2015 10:07

It's four movies, actually

By tbaaaby | 0

#775073 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:24

I don't see how this is a fml. ha but it's funnny

Reply

gmc_blossom | 21

#1906082 - Thursday 30 December 2010 2:16

Maybe Shrek was one of the OPs favorite movies and the teacher ruined it for them.

By actress5698 | 1

#775084 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:28

u-huh

By lucifer69_fml | 0

#775085 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:28

mmm ovaries

Reply

MeatSucks777 | 0

#2812610 - Sunday 3 July 2011 11:02

what is wrong with you?!

By chaos753159 | 4

#775088 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:28

ö that is scary

By IsaacYorkHawk | 0

#775090 - Friday 15 January 2010 2:29

Wow. If she is a woman, I feel sorry for her husband. Must be a disaster down there.