By Anonymous - 06/11/2012 02:48 - United States - Gainesville
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Well at least you can hope for her to get divorced so you can make your move.
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What a shitty friend you have. She obviously doesn't deserve to get married. My advice, stop the wedding. Tell them how you feel. It's not right to go into a marriage thinking about divorce. It's set up to fail.
As shitty as her best friend's fiancée is, that is absolutely terrible advice. What do you expect OP to do? When the priest asks for objections to the wedding, do you expect OP to kick the door open and state in front of the bride and groom's family that the bride doesn't really love him and then declare her undying love for the groom? Real life isn't like Hollywood, the groom won't instantly come to his senses and whisk OP away to a life of romance and happiness. In reality, both bride and groom along with their respective families would probably hate OP for interrupting the wedding and cause them to never speak with OP again.
Chances are she's not going to speak to them after the wedding anyway, the amount of pain that would cause is in fathomable. But at least if she did tell him that she loves him or at least that her "friend" is only marrying him for convenience then I imagine she can at least spare him some pain and money even if they don't get together afterwards. And you never know, it might help her win the guy or at least move on to be open and honest with him.
The FML here is about how shitty it feels to have waited 8 years for someone to fall in love with you the way you're in love with them- that's it. I doubt OP's friend is as terrible and insensitive as she was made out to be. Five years is a reasonable time to want to marry someone and I'm sure during these five years better things have been said than "why the hell not, there's always divorce".. Indeed a crappy statement, but we don't know enough to assume that's all there is to it. She may be scared/has cold feet which is normal and it's a way to reassure yourself that if you end up unhappy, there's always divorce. Sorry, OP if you read this. Try as hard as possible to let go and be happy for them.. There's always light at the end of the tunnel.
It's got nothing to do with one day hoping you will actually get the guy it's simply the right thing to do. If that is OP's friends attitude towards her soon to be husband it doesn't exactly sound as though she is completely sure she wants to marry him but will simply give it a "crack" because she can always get out of the marriage with a divorce and get half of his things and move along with by the sounds of it no emotional hurt at all. The other side the guy purposed to her as he genuinely seems to love her and wants a life and future with him so as a human being the humane thing to do is tell the groom what the soon to be bride said and let them speak about it. As it seems they're not on the same page emotionally and he deserves to at least know that.
Folgy, Do you think Op is the best person to be describing her best friends words? I say this because I have been in her seat. I loved a guy for two years and then my friend came in and within two weeks the guy and my friend were dating. I thought everything she said was stupid and that it showed she didn't deserve him. Luckily I was pretty young and have since grown out of being so petty. However, if Op has loved the guy for eight years then she would be pretty biased about who should really have the guy. Even if she is a kind person who wants what is best for the guy, her friend could have been joking.
46, Actually it's been studied and many men tend to marry whoever they're dating at the time the marriage bug bites them. Hence the crowds of friends and family members going "Noooo! Don't do it, she's a total biiiitch!" To be fair, plenty of women do the same thing. The results are two people getting married because they feel like they *should* be married to someone at that particular point in their lives due to societal or family pressure. "I want a wife/husband/kid so you'll do because you are my best option at the moment and I don't know if anything better will come along" pretty much sums it up. Let the thumbs down begin, but I've seen plenty of relationships break up in my line of work and that seems to be a common theme.
I so agree to this, and am I the only one who considered she may have been joking with divorce liner? I could imagine saying it for a laugh if I got proposed too. Why does her friend have to be the villain? She dated a guy that she liked for a long time and he proposed to her and she said yes. Its her life, if OP can't make her life be they way she wan't its no-ones fault but hers. I agree it is FML, but your friend is not the one to blame, lets not scape goat.
Gosh 22, ever thought that perhaps OP's friend was making a joke?? Or had cold feet?? When I got engaged, I couldn't be happier, because I love my partner heaps. However, after a few days, I started to panic, about all the MILLION things that could possibly go wrong in a marriage. So yeah, sitting round with my girlfriends, I made that joke. Not because I don't see my marriage going anywhere, but because I was trying to comfort myself and lighten an anxious situation!
Unless the man they both love has money, terrible to say but none of us know the true situation. She could be having cold feet or should could be a gold digger. What op is trying to say is she's been in-love with a man for 8 years who her best friend obviously got To have, and now it sounds like her best friend doesn't even want to marry him because she loves him.
Excuse me 29 but I did type out except, my stupid iPhone autocorrected all the stupid mistakes in that. And 42 I am also engaged and I have been nervous at points in my engagement but I have never once thought let alone said "well there is always divorce!" in fact I've made it clear that that is not an option. I love my fiancé and wouldn't ever think to make that joke because of how insensitive it is.
Well, I call my boyfriend a "right bastard" and he tells me to "shut your whore mouth" as a joke. Some people are raised to see humor differently. Some people really love crass humor and other people are a bit more proper in some ways. My boyfriend and I don't really fight, but we do make comments like "Oh, if you don't love me enough I can find someone else" or "you don't want sex right now? Time to call the hookers." I see nothing wrong with the joke. We don't know the context of the whole friendship, what the friend is like and what led up to the joke. I am not going to trust Op to be completely honest because she is in love with the guy and would see an innocent joke as the end of the world. Because, hey, her heart must be truly breaking at this point. If Op was not in love with the guy then I doubt she would have cared that her best friend made a joke like that.
I think the rule needs to have some limits. Young girls/guys throw that rule around like its the truth of the universe. "I dated Tim for two days in middle school you can't date him now, even though it has been three years." However, a good, mature friend would not scoop up the ex-husband of their best friend so soon after a divorce. If the friendship matters to Op at all then she would not act on her feelings or ruin the wedding. She has no say in the relationship.
8 years?? Perhaps it's time for you to move on?? And for those saying for OP to tell him, I think she's missed her window. He wouldn't have proposed if he didn't love her best friend, and no decent friend or human would ruin their best friend's relationship or wedding.
Ouch. That's a doomed marriage for sure, and that sucks for everyone involved. But if dreamboy can't see that she's that shallow and stupid after 5 years, then you should probably stop dreaming about him and find someone better.