Intimacy: Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend... - FML

By Ugggggggggg - 06/11/2012 05:11 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 506

You deserved it 4 841

The smell detective is on the case

Own it

Pica?

By Anonymous - 03/09/2010 21:00 - United States

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 574

You deserved it 2 648

Tact

By FalkensLabyrinth - 03/02/2021 19:57 - United States - Gardner

Today, my mother offered to give my overweight girlfriend the workout DVDs that she no longer needs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 170

By Susan - 28/02/2012 11:55 - Canada

Today, I farted in front of my husband. It somehow turned into a farting war. Then I realized this is the closest we've come to intimacy in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 895

You deserved it 6 809

By Anonymous - 30/06/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, my parents found my stash of alcohol. They drank it all within a single evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 682

You deserved it 34 712

By crashingdown - 29/05/2010 05:28 - Australia

Today, I had a weird dream I woke up on the bathroom floor at my local gym. Turns out it wasn't a dream, and I passed out from "overworking myself". I was on the treadmill for under 5 minutes, walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 031

You deserved it 14 559

By Anonymous - 31/05/2013 04:16 - United States - Pleasant Grove

Today, I was texting my boyfriend when he said, "Hold up." Thinking it'd be funny, I ran and grabbed my copy of the movie Up, and took a picture of me holding it and sent it to him. He replied, "Getting real tired of your shit." Then dumped me for my "dumb taste in humor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 465

You deserved it 14 958

By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 316

You deserved it 25 885

By Anonymous - 05/10/2009 05:11 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall with a note saying "Sorry Dude". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 347

You deserved it 42 453

By Anonymous - 23/03/2009 05:42 - Canada

Today, at the gym, I saw this really pretty girl. Trying to impress her, I started lifting with heavy weights. One of the weights slipped out of my hand. I then dropped the other one, trying to make it seem like it was on purpose. I dropped the weight on my phone. I squealed. She giggled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 655

You deserved it 87 328

By Anonymous - 24/11/2016 13:17 - United States - New York

Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 681

You deserved it 2 239

By freshman - 25/03/2011 23:05 - Canada

Today, to make my dorm neighbours think I'm popular, I blasted music and screamed at the top of my lungs so it sounded like I was having a party. My residence manager slapped me with a noise violation, and demanded to come in to make sure we weren't drinking. I had to explain why I was by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 145

You deserved it 60 020

By Anonymous - 07/12/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, my tire was a little low on air. I decided to put in a can of Fix-A-Flat and drive home. Since it was 10 degrees outside and snowing, the can became frozen to the valve. When I finally got the can off, I had ruined the valve, so I had to put on the spare tire. It was flat too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 095

You deserved it 5 928

By Hanna - 03/04/2011 17:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 517

You deserved it 4 639

Keep it clean

By germy germs - 01/07/2021 19:01 - United States

Today, my wife bitched at me for not washing my hands before handling the dishes. The dirty dishes. That were sitting in a sink of hot soapy water. According to her, the dirt from my hands was gonna make the dirty dishes even dirtier. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 206

That shit adds up

By melikeyturtles - 03/07/2012 15:08 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out my home health patient purposely drinks tons of prune juice every night so I will have a huge mess to clean up in the morning because I'm "a lazy bastard" and I "need to work harder." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 115

You deserved it 2 814

By boyBYE - 16/11/2016 23:30 - United States - Pleasant Grove

Today, when my ex said he wanted to be friends, what he meant was that he wanted me to help him hook up with 18-year-olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 314

You deserved it 947

No kinkshaming here

By Anonymous - 27/04/2021 11:00

Today, my hotel room key wouldn't open my door. Maintenance had to come let me in. My giant dildo was out on the table. I'm a 250-pound man, traveling alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514

You deserved it 1 229

Vulture

By Some people - 27/03/2021 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my flatmate was criticising his nephew for being too lazy to get a job. His nephew actually has a physical disability, so I pointed out he never had a job since he got 50 rental properties at 19 years-old when his dad died and makes a fortune on the rent. He then told me that waiting for his dad to die was his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 440

You deserved it 127

By WTA - 20/02/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 629

You deserved it 34 798

By mynameis - 13/11/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, I was walking to the parking lot from class while texting. When I looked up as I approached my parking spot, I noticed the words "F*ck you Dave" keyed into my car. Hi, my name is Clare. Who's Dave? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 360

You deserved it 2 243

By oaksac191 - 26/10/2010 16:50 - United States

Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 374

You deserved it 7 746

By Opplyst11 - 18/03/2009 20:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was nude modeling for the first time for a life art class. The only criteria for the class was that I not move at all while being observed. After a few seconds I noticed a really hot girl drawing me. I got a hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 122

You deserved it 30 420

By Anonymous - 14/06/2013 01:44 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 344

You deserved it 27 834

By independant - 08/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 672

You deserved it 536

By SleeplessInSoCal - 09/08/2010 06:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 949

You deserved it 3 277

By Sam - 30/10/2008 14:51 - Canada

Today, I did a barbecue. My boss won't believe me tomorrow when I tell him that the main pages of his 2-months work file helped make the best sausages I've ever done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 195

You deserved it 30 682

By Anonymous - 11/01/2011 05:32 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and my pee split into 4 different streams, none of which actually hit the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 938

You deserved it 6 997

By Misskittygal14 - 16/11/2017 15:00

Today, I decided to go through my younger brother's browser history. I found out he goes regularly on PornHub. He's only 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 478

You deserved it 1 121

The truth will out

By ASad17Yearold - 07/05/2021 03:59

Today, I've lied about my grades for three years of high school already and my mom thinks I'm a straight A student. I'm supposed to be going to college in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 127

You deserved it 1 421

Paranoid much?

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 557

You deserved it 157

By unwantedlove - 25/02/2011 18:36 - France

Spicy

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 039

You deserved it 6 886

By Chance115 - 11/09/2018 23:30

Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 591

You deserved it 285

By movingbuddy - 08/01/2013 13:31 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of a year asked me to move in with him. I would have been touched at this gesture, had he not asked in the form of a text message, saying: "Got kicked out. Wanna get a flat or something?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 945

You deserved it 3 954

By Anonymous - 14/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 257

You deserved it 2 643

Dumpy baby

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 18:00 - United States

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 362

You deserved it 142

By EveOnRoad - 05/05/2019 18:00

Today, my boyfriend of 9 years rode with his mother after boot camp graduation. She acts more like a jealous lover than a mom, so I'm currently chasing them all over Chicago in a blizzard, with her refusing to stop the car so he can see me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 915

You deserved it 227

By NeedTea - 21/12/2018 06:00 - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 905

You deserved it 730

By RawrSparkle - 21/09/2012 07:31 - United States - Davis

Spicy

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 014

You deserved it 14 270

By jayswizzle89 - 29/07/2014 07:58 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 129

You deserved it 69 435

By Whoopsie - 25/07/2018 05:00

Today, I had to call 911 and explain to the operator that my girlfriend orgasmed so hard she had a seizure and passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 274

You deserved it 564

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:19

Cool story, give her a Brazilian :)

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 13:20

Someone who lives in Brazil. Obviously.

Comments

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:17

First!

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:19

Cool story, give her a Brazilian :)

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 13:15

What's a Brazilian? (Sorry I don't know much about waxing)

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 13:20

Someone who lives in Brazil. Obviously.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 14:27

Brazilian is a waxed vag.

patrickalamo 47

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 14:30

Or spray nair on the back of her head.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 15:50

Or a Playboy. It's all the hair, front and back. You can always over heat the wax a little too. Not enough to burn but enough to be uncomfortable! Anyway FYL, that's a horrible way to wake up!

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:46

Or anal. Best revenge ever. It'll make her scream, alright.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:20

Or wax half of each of her eyebrows, that is the best revenge. Make her make the choice to keep the other half or get rid of it >:)

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 18:00

So give me to her..I'm Brazilian ;D

princessbits 17

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 18:37

My friend and I did this once. She woke up with no hair in the middle of her head.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 18:58

I think I feel a YouTube channel coming on..

aj94w 4

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Thursday 8 November 2012 16:35

41, have you ever heard of those stories where women cut their men's dicks off? Yeah, don't Nair her head.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:19

This is what nightmares are made of.

rsunshine2020 13

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:33

This is why people have trust issues. That and the fact that you think it's a chocolate chip cookie and it ends up being oatmeal raisin.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 20:03

She sounds creepy..

ifuckmonsters 5

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 20:42

I instantly thought of Hilary Duff.

nattynatters 14

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:24

Ooooh! Kelly Clarkson!!!!

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:52

This is a quote from "40 Year Old Virgin" and very related. Stop thumbing it down just because you don't understand the comments. :P

Drigr 9

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 13:01

Actually, that reason is both valid and common for thumbing things down. Personally, I probably thumb 1/25 of the comments I read, but if I didn't get it and decided to thumb it, it would be down.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 13:14

Me? I only thumb things up, never down. I would hate to be responsible for a buried comment just because I didn't understand it but someone else would. Ex: this comment :P and I don't worry about overly offensive topics. Those usually get mod anyways.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 17:09

Most people thumb down for the following reasons: grammer, spelling, unrelated, or just plain shitty.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 22:25

68- Yes, thank you for the explanation... Like we didn't already know.

CharresBarkrey 15

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 23:08

68 - Oh, the irony.

RockN 10

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:27

Your girlfriend is the real devil

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 15:31

As opposed to the fake one?

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:27

That sounds so evil

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:30

Were you stripped of your pride?

Tezoma 28

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 14:23

No, it was just his hair. c:

MindFreakazoid 10

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 15:53

I don't believe that's what he was getting at, 36.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:58

And I believe 36 was making a joke back.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:31

It's necessary evil.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:37

Be glad it wasn't your pubes.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 12:46

The insane ones are usually the best in bed. Enjoy it until she whips out the scissors. Then, run.

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Tuesday 6 November 2012 16:25

....run, but not with scissors in hand.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 162

You deserved it 78

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 44