Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

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The opposite of a good idea

Age ain't nothing but a number

Vultures

By InTheDoghouse23 - 24/8/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2012 16:37 - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, I took a nap with a kitten I just adopted from my mom's house. To make her feel more comfortable, I took a nap with her on my bed. In my dream, I kept smelling poo and I felt around on the bed to find the kitten. She apparently had diarrhea on my bed and I had stuck my hand in it. FML

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By reality_stricken - 4/11/2009 14:00 - Guam

Today, I told my boyfriend I was afraid he would no longer love me when he returned from basic training. Hoping he would reassure me his feelings wouldn't change and we'd still be together, he replied instead, "Shit happens." FML

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By Me - 31/5/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, while at work, a rather large woman came in and ordered a cheeseburger. When asking if she would like to supersize it, she took her purse, smacked me, and told me she wasn't fat, and how rude I was for calling her supersized. I was just doing my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2009 10:55 - Australia

Today, I saw this cute girl at a bar and decided to go and chat her up. After charming her with my usual crap for a while, I told her she was really pretty and asked for her number. She replied "You asshole, I met you here a year ago and gave you my number, and you never called me." FML

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By GeeThanks - 2/5/2017 05:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while making a grand show of his generosity, my boss gave me my own commissions as a wedding gift. FML

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By DerrickUhl - 19/6/2012 04:28 - United States - Napa

Today, I finally turned 21 so my friends and I decided to go to a club. There, I met this hot waitress and we were really hitting it off. I decided to order a drink. She replied with, "No problem, kiddo." FML

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By blob - 21/2/2013 00:32 - United States - Framingham

Today, my mom refused to sign me up for a CPR class, reasoning that if I was ever put in a situation where a person was choking, I could save them using my "common sense" and "intellect". I need the class to graduate. FML

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By jordanss - 11/11/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, my apartment building shut off our water for a short period of time because the pipes were being worked on. It was also the morning my dog had diarrhea on my cream carpet. Not only did I have to clean it up without water, I couldn't wash my hands afterward. FML

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By sad_unicorn - 19/4/2017 06:00 - Australia - Yagoona

The Intruder

Today, I have to close my bedroom door with a bucket because I don't have a door latch from previous owners. When my partner and I were going at it, we had to stop because the cat kept reaching around the door, trying to attack the bucket and destroying the mood. Cat 1 - Humans 0. FML

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By lolo - 22/2/2013 00:16 - Israel - Ofaqim

Today, I downloaded a movie that I already own on DVD, because I was feeling too lazy to get up and fetch it from the living room. I think I've hit rock bottom. FML

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By Tris - 12/9/2019 16:00

Talk is cheap

Today, my co-workers keep making fun of me because I said, “You’re very so welcome.” They say it's not proper grammar, but honestly I can’t find anything that says I’m wrong. FML

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By Ava777 - 20/2/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, while leaving school to skip fourth period, I hit someone's car in the parking lot. It was the teacher's whose class I was going to skip. FML

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By independant - 8/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

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By roadkill - 28/2/2011 15:50 - United States

Today, an old lady hit me with her car. After which she says, "Oh! Not Again!" FML

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By yesnomaybeso7 - 12/7/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML

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By Roy Lawson - 26/6/2014 00:19 - United States - Brea

Today, I had to bite the bullet and finally buy maternity pants. Problem is, I'm not pregnant and I'm a 25-year-old man. FML

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By Catscratch - 1/9/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw a note my roomate posted. As I got close to read it I was attacked by a very pissed off cat. The note said "Left window open last night, stray cat got in. Watch out he isn't friendly." FML

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By sobusy - 25/9/2015 17:47 - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

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By thanks a lot - 26/5/2020 08:00

Stay alert!

Today, my state began relaxing the quarantine order. We decided to take the kids for a nice picnic in the park to get them outside. First park we went to, we saw a homeless man openly pissing in the parking lot. Second park, we saw two teens fucking on the table. Day was officially ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2010 21:16 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2013 07:19 - United States - Portland

Today, I found that someone had paid off my $16,500 student loan. I was so excited that I called my family and posted on Facebook about how awesome it was. Then I called the loan company and found out that they had just sold my loan to another company; no one had actually paid it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2010 20:44 - United States

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

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By MarBlu - 23/1/2014 12:53 - United States

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

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By DEE - 26/7/2018 15:00

Out of the mouth of babes...

Today, while I was getting ready for the day, my 5-year-old daughter looked at me and said, "Mom, maybe you should do some gymnastics today. Your legs look bigger." FML

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By chrisinator - 11/10/2016 04:21 - United States - Woodside

Today, I turned on my furnace when I got home from work for the first time this season. Only problem? Cats. Our kitten Norman has never heard a furnace in his life and Noel has just forgotten what a furnace sounds like. Both cats are terrified and won't stop yelping. I just want to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, campus security called me to let me know a lawnmower crashed into my car. Apparently the guy mowing the lawn lost control. My car wasn't parked by any grass. I need a new bumper. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2011 23:54 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend called me over to her house. When I knocked, no one responded to the door. I decided to check the back yard and found her sunbathing by the pool. I kneeled by her and placed my hand on her butt, kissing her neck. What I heard next, "So this is what you do with my daughter." FML

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By Oopsie - 20/7/2019 04:00

Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML

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By ouch - 1/7/2015 13:35 - Canada - Saint Marys

Today, the only reason my husband agreed to marriage counselling is because he finds our therapist attractive. FML

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By imamess - 15/9/2014 21:37 - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2015 15:44 - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

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By Austyn - 18/2/2011 07:55

Today, I brought home a ukulele I had just bought. Excited, I showed my dad. He then looked at me, smirked, and said "Just like everything else you have, it's a bit smaller than normal." FML

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By bodhimae - 3/5/2009 07:15 - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By oncehipjr - 3/10/2014 19:04 - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

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By Good Luck Chuck - 29/4/2013 17:07 - United States - Orlando

Today, my former fiancée, who I stopped seeing 5 months ago, married another guy. She wore the dress that I'd purchased for our would-be wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 15:48 - United States - Nashville

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

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By MyNameIsNotJeff - 8/5/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought me a pet tarantula. I now have one of my biggest fears crawling around my house. FML

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By aldfgadfklbg - 13/3/2011 23:08 - United States

Today, I had a seizure. My dad responded by saying it always happens with my disease. I never have had a disease. Now I have to wait for my dad to stop yelling at my mom about not telling me, so I can ask what I have in the first place. FML

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Top comments

By NaturallyUnlucky | 0

#214793 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:03

That isn't sad. It's adorable.

By mrhahn530 | 0

#214795 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:03

I plan to continue that behavior until i die...

Comments

By diki_fml | 2

#214788 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:02

FYL

Reply

adriane209 | 0

#1583745 - Friday 22 October 2010 2:45

False!

Reply

ironwords | 8

#2249378 - Sunday 27 March 2011 17:32

more like MLIA

Reply

Wdgames | 0

#3342730 - Sunday 25 September 2011 7:14

I see nothing wrong with that. In fact, I hope when I'm that age I can still enjoy the little things as much as I do now. I figured everyone these days is pretty much dead inside by 30z

By papertigers_fml | 0

#214789 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:02

aw. that's cute. it's important to stay young at heart.
not a fml..

Reply

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#819044 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 19:45

amen.

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#2884900 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 20:45

helium is always going to be fun

By NaturallyUnlucky | 0

#214793 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:03

That isn't sad. It's adorable.

By mrhahn530 | 0

#214795 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:03

I plan to continue that behavior until i die...

Reply

thenormalguy | 0

#902158 - Monday 1 March 2010 1:38

same here bro ;)

By littlehowl | 0

#214799 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:04

what's sad about it ? its better then working the whole day

By JDI | 3

#214842 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:13

Have fun trying to lose your virginity stupid, go back to playing World of Warcraft.

By freemuffins | 0

#214846 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:14

I find it funny :)

By Xero3g | 5

#214853 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:18

You guys are my heroes.

By lifesabit | 0

#214855 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:18

#7 + 8 are retards. How does playing with a helium tank = geek? Playing with helium tank = sheer awesome.

Your life isn't fucked dude, I WISH I had a helium tank..... =/

By Lambshanks | 0

#214873 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:24

Yah, people did that at my 18th Birthday = Except it was like laughing gas or something with balloons.

What a mature night.