Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a... - FML

By Cantswim - 20/5/2009 15:45 - United States

Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML

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Time don't heal nothing

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Trust

By pinkplasticjesus - 20/6/2009 03:17 - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

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By Still No Phone - 21/5/2017 12:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I checked for the third time this week if my package that 'arrived' five days ago had been found. Not only was it a different employee at the concierge desk, meaning I had to explain everything again, but they told me the same bullshit about how it's "not their fault". The package is my new phone. FML

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By Drunken Sailor - 27/6/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out my new Commanding Officer is my ex-wife's new boyfriend. We're going on a two year tour at sea in two weeks. The reason we got a divorce is that she couldn't handle being tied down with someone in the Navy. FML

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By mandm - 24/9/2013 21:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 14:41 - United States

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

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By -bird-poop- - 10/10/2009 12:52 - Germany

Today, I finally plucked up the courage to propose to my girlfriend of 7 months. I took her out to the park where we had our first kiss, I got down on one knee, and before I could say "Will you marry me" a bird shat on my head. FML

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By drivencrazy - 6/7/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By Thanks Honey - 5/6/2013 15:08 - United States

Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML

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By HannahBretts - 24/8/2013 05:28 - United States - Turlock

Today, I'm watching a TV show about horrible germs in hotel rooms that you can catch from a bed... while I am stuck in a hotel room... on the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2019 04:49

Today, I set up a date between my roommate, who I'm in love with, and his crush, who I'm jealous of. FML

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By TheLastGreatDope - 20/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 13:34 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 14:00

Love is…

Today, I went to a job interview. At the end of it, after I had got the job, my new manager said, “See you soon.” I then accidentally replied, “You too, love you.” FML

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By myennechee - 18/3/2009 05:22 - Germany

Today, I asked my boyfriend while he was eating potato chips if he wanted to eat me. He looked at the potato chips, he looked at me and said "Unless your vagina turns into a potato chip, I'd rather eat these." FML

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By WildShortstop13 - 28/1/2015 22:20 - United States - Rapid City

Today, I fell asleep curling my bangs. I now look like Mrs. Potato head. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2018 15:00

Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

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By bootyislife - 3/2/2015 04:36 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

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By phantomdriver - 24/3/2011 22:51 - Canada

Today, my cab driver told me about the time he tried to commit suicide by driving off a bridge... while we were crossing a river. FML

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By armywife980 - 3/5/2011 05:01

Today, after teaching my 4 year old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

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By ragingwaffles - 13/8/2014 04:25 - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

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By last time I drive stoned - 8/12/2012 17:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was stuck at a red light on an empty road for ten minutes before I finally realised that not only was I looking at the wrong traffic light, it was also broken. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2016 15:18 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

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By NotJoeyEssex - 26/7/2019 00:01

Today, I was so lonely and bored, I thought about making the most of our current heatwave by giving myself heatstroke, just so I could talk to a doctor. FML

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By Eivana - 30/11/2018 12:00

Today, I finally got up the nerve to leave my boyfriend. We have no spark and quite honestly, it's been really awkward. I planned to tell him when he came in, and I did. After all was said and done, he handed me the roses and new puppy he had bought for me, a puppy that I had been saving up to get. FML

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By The Corner Of Death - 12/8/2013 08:17 - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

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By Pelly - 23/6/2016 10:26 - Belgium - Kasterlee

Today, my grandma told everyone I'm using steroids and amphetamines, all because she mistook my protein powder and vitamin pills for drugs. FML

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By ellebelle - 15/11/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I had to purchase a new flat screen TV for the bar I work at. Last night I was dared to break an ashtray against the wall. I completely missed the wall and smashed the screen of the new TV they bought last month. FML

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By raiden - 17/8/2018 20:30

Today, it's my first day of high school. It's also my first day of a three-day in-school suspension. The reason? I sat next to a girl and she immediately got up and told the teacher that she didn't "feel safe". FML

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By Meghan - 22/2/2013 01:33 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, after half a year of flirting back and forth, I went to a fancy party thrown by the guy I really like. He met me at the door and introduced me to everyone as, "the lovely Meghan". I thought I finally had a chance, until he introduced me to his girlfriend of five years. FML

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By fmlsheffgirl - 25/7/2016 11:52 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2008 04:32 - United States

Today, I was jacking off casually to a picture of my ex-girlfriend, when all of the sudden, my friend sends me an IM picture of a granny bending over which pops up on my screen. I think my sex life is ruined forever. FML

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By anonymous - 13/3/2016 19:53 - United States - Marysville

Today, when my son gets mad in a store, he will scream stranger danger and run away from me, and to an employee, and ask for help. FML

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By PapaW - 1/11/2013 07:01 - United States - Lehi

Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy are you alone yet? I'm ready to come over." She responded with, "Hey, yeah he is at work - did you get a new number?" FML

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By far23 - 15/7/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said "Did you have fun at the party?" and I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left". FML

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By seriously! - 19/3/2013 05:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML

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By shubididubbitty - 20/2/2016 18:06 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, on my way to the dentist, I got rear ended by my own dentist. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 22:04 - United States

Today, I took my iPod to Walmart to replace the battery. They tell me to call Apple. I go home again and call Apple. They tell me to call Walmart. I call Walmart. They tell me to bring it in. FML

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By jabba - 5/10/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on my new roommate's cheek, so I told her to stand still so that I could flick it off. Several long seconds of flicking made me realize that it wasn't a spider at all. I had been flicking her hairy mole. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

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By Cheech - 29/6/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I left on a 2 month trip. I was in a hurry to pack so I wouldn't miss my plane. There were 2 piles of clothes on my bed. One pile was clothes that didn't fit to take to a thrift store, one was to take with me. Guess which one I brought? FML

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Top comments

By VegasMade702 | 0

#214831 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:09

You're in high school and you write like a 4th grader. I think your mom should spend that swimming money on a tutor instead.

By papertigers_fml | 0

#214808 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:05

you could have said "swimming" a few more times you know

Comments

By greasy_broad | 0

#214792 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:03

This was written so horribly and made no sense hahahaha. Epic fail.

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#2269874 - Thursday 31 March 2011 2:53

who the fuck cant swim by the time they are in high school?

Reply

GriZzliie | 3

#2283596 - Sunday 3 April 2011 2:17

OP.

Reply

evildemonchild | 18

#3507619 - Saturday 29 October 2011 6:52

I can't swim and I'm only 18 >.> I have problems with my body that wouldn't allow me to swim deep water. Plus I nearly drown at the public pool ._.

By papertigers_fml | 0

#214808 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:05

you could have said "swimming" a few more times you know

By ombrelle | 0

#214811 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:06

So shouldn't you be old enough to refuse wanting to take swim lessons? and who cares if you don't know how to swim or are terrified of the water... why do people make big deals out of nothing?

By heygirlheyyyyy | 0

#214816 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:07

if you're in high school, you should be over four feet tall, yes? 75% of pools are only four feet deep (excluding public pools). Just stand up!

Reply

hazelkee | 0

#1036056 - Saturday 19 June 2010 21:41

most pools aren't four feet there like 6 feet.

Reply

mattman2301 | 7

#6273182 - Saturday 25 April 2015 21:36

Don't you mean five feet? Nobody in high school is 4 feet tall...

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6609452 - Thursday 19 May 2016 7:21

141 - Unless you're a midget. And there are people who are under five feet who are in high school and are adults.

By VegasMade702 | 0

#214831 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:09

You're in high school and you write like a 4th grader. I think your mom should spend that swimming money on a tutor instead.

By fuzzyface73 | 2

#214839 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:11

Swimming is a basic skill that everyone should master - but there should be beginner classes for people your age.

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#214864 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:21

Shoulda taken swimming lessons yeeears ago to gain early confidence and get used to it faster...now you get be embarrassed.....YDI

By Xero3g | 5

#214876 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:25

Join the military. They'll make sure you learn to swim.

On a side note: I find it somewhat ironic that I'm listening to "Into the Ocean," while reading this.

By Cheatx | 0

#214882 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:27

wow just stop whining and learn to swim. Sounds like the 5-6 yr olds are more mature than you

Reply

manonthemoon3 | 4

#5089636 - Sunday 28 October 2012 5:13

Have you ever heard of a phobia?

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#5899307 - Saturday 29 March 2014 12:51

well op didnt say she has a phobia

By dzizzle | 0

#214892 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:30

Does your mom have a late-onset fear that you'll drown? Shouldn't she have been more afraid when you were little? My local Y has classes for adults who never learned to swim.