Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a... - FML

By Cantswim - 20/5/2009 15:45 - United States

Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML

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Dangling modifier

Season finale

Recycling helps

By meggasee - 25/1/2010 00:23 - France

Today, while having hot sex with my boyfriend, I was experiencing my very first orgasm. Right when my mother walked in. We had no blankets. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 08:07 - United States

Today, I went to a very crowded restaurant. Being really shy, I requested to sit in the corner, but instead they placed me in the center of the dinning area. I started to eat my food and got really spaced out. Suddenly I sneeze-farted and everyone turned to look at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 05:34

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

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By shit's weak - 13/2/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, on campus, these really overly-happy people walking around with big signs saying "free hugs". When I walked towards them, their smiles faded, and they put their signs down. FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - 2/12/2012 23:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2013 05:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2014 17:45 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML

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By anon - 15/9/2012 05:35 - United States - Rocklin

Today, I woke up to the sound of my neighbor pleasuring himself. FML

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By Busted - 21/10/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?" FML

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By lessimportantthanatable - 15/11/2017 12:00 - United States - Northfield

Today, I learned that the new granite countertop in my parents' house cost $12,000. Coincidentally, this is also the amount of money I would have needed to go to the college of my dreams instead of the cheaper school I currently attend. FML

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By hastobeajoke - 31/1/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

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By mal - 8/5/2012 20:46 - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I brought my girlfriend home while my parents were at work, and things got a little heated. We lost track of time, because the next thing we knew, my dad burst into the living room. He doubled over laughing and asked how much I paid her. FML

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By creepster - 11/2/2010 01:39 - Canada

Today, I was hit on by an older man. I rolled my eyes at him and informed him I was 16, hoping that would get him to leave me alone. He shrugged and said, "We're both human." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 05:39 - Australia - Cambridge

Today, my boyfriend had a tantrum because I didn't like Black Sabbath as much as him. Apparently our entire relationship was based on him thinking I did. I've now been labeled "The Queen of Lies." FML

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By nottrustworthy - 18/11/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my wife of seven years told me that she doesn't trust me with dog-sitting her dog while she leaves to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with her family. She ended up calling someone she "trusts" to take care of her dog while I spend the holidays by myself. FML

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By Imdead - 14/9/2018 22:00

Today, we're taking the plane home from Dublin after a school trip that I only barely got onto after troubles with my passport. Luckily for me, a kind person has decided to save me from the passport this evening - together with the rest of my wallet. I'm stuck. FML

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By DeeGirlMon - 3/8/2012 05:24 - Canada - Calgary

Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML

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By Tiak - 30/3/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, my mom has been calling me every ten minutes, asking me questions about her new computer. She called me at work, and I rudely answered her question. She called back, talked to my boss, saying she was a customer that called in, and I was rude to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2015 17:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I thought I would treat myself to a shave and a haircut at a proper barber, instead of just a haircut at Supercuts. After many "Oops", "Sorry", even an "Oh dear", I left with no hair cut, and blood streaming from multiple slices in my face from the shave. I think one might need stitches. FML

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By akasoor - 11/2/2013 01:51 - Canada - Hythe

Today, I went to the local pet store to purchase a large dog bed so my dog wouldn't sleep in mine. After I got home and set up her bed, I realized I forgot to buy dog treats. When I came home again, her new bed was torn to shreds, and she was still sleeping on my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2014 06:06 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my daughter started speaking with hashtags. I told her to knock it off, to which she replied, "You don't get it, mom - hashtag white girl probs." Hashtag FML

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By wasntworththedrive - 20/1/2010 06:43 - United States

Today, the guy that I've recently became close to texted me, wanting to hook up. He's very cute and I was definitely interested, so I agreed. The drive to his house lasted longer than the actual sex. He lives less than five minutes away. FML

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By WeighYourWords - 3/5/2016 11:12 - Belgium - Overheid

Today, my overweight colleague twisted his ankle. He's pretty self-conscious about his weight, but I had a brain-fart and told him he shouldn't try to put too much weight on it. His feelings are more hurt than his ankle now. FML

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By JTinNJ - 27/8/2016 11:57 - United States - Parsippany

Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML

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By shots shots shots - 12/2/2013 07:41 - United States - Redlands

Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

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By notrocketscience - 7/5/2012 15:57 - United States - West Monroe

Today, the father of my child couldn't understand why he had been laid off from his job as a painter's assistant. He couldn't find a broom or vacuum, so he "cleaned" a carpet by laying down strips of painter's tape and pulling it up. FML

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By Noname - 13/1/2009 10:06 - United States

Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement in Circuit City. FML

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By patriarchal apparently - 29/6/2013 19:58 - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

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By notagain - 7/3/2020 09:01

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

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By loserwithlice - 26/7/2009 18:58 - United States

Today, I told my 8 year old daughter that she looks a lot like mommy. Now she won't come out of her room because she thinks she is ugly. FML

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By losing the plot - 8/4/2015 19:36 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, after locking myself out of my house, I let myself into my car to wait on someone with a spare key. It took me 15 minutes to realise the house and car key share the same ring. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2016 06:20 - Australia

Today, I briefly had the coolest boss in the world. He stormed over to a nasty customer who was giving me hell, and he absolutely laid into her. It lasted about 10 seconds before he collapsed from a major heart attack. A coworker's already blamed me for not pacifying the customer in the first place and causing all this to happen. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2013 03:08 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out that the lump in my wrist that keeps getting inflamed and sore is caused by sketching and using my laptop too much. Good thing I'm in my fourth year of studying to become a designer. FML

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By abigiggles - 26/8/2018 22:00

Today, a spider came down from its web in front of my face. This would have been fine and I could have killed it easily if I wasn't in my car. Driving on the highway. I cried. FML

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By superpissed - 7/12/2016 13:07 - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, I went for a trial shift somewhere perfect for me to work. I knew loads about the place and how they worked. The trial shift went really well. Not even 2 hours after my shift, they rung to tell me I'd lost out to someone who swore at a customer. FML

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By qx5 - 8/1/2011 22:05 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

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By kattydoo07 - 29/4/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I found out I have a restraining order against me from my ex boyfriend. Apparently, I drive by his house too much and it is considered stalking. He forgot that I live 2 houses down, and MUST drive by his house to get home. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 07:04 - United States - Burbank

Today, I was driving a little over the speed limit, when I saw a cop car waiting to join the road ahead of me. I quickly hit the brakes so they wouldn't have a payday with me. I hit the brakes too hard, lost control and almost ended up on someone's lawn. FML

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By Lucachoo - 21/10/2016 05:16

Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his muscles as my anniversary gift. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:47 - United States

Today, I was trying to swat a wasp in my bedroom. I got so frustrated that I ended up punching myself in the face. The wasp is still here, and now I look like I've been in a brawl. FML

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Top comments

By VegasMade702 | 0

#214831 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:09

You're in high school and you write like a 4th grader. I think your mom should spend that swimming money on a tutor instead.

By papertigers_fml | 0

#214808 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:05

you could have said "swimming" a few more times you know

COMMENTS

By greasy_broad | 0

#214792 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:03

This was written so horribly and made no sense hahahaha. Epic fail.

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#2269874 - Thursday 31 March 2011 2:53

who the fuck cant swim by the time they are in high school?

Reply

GriZzliie | 3

#2283596 - Sunday 3 April 2011 2:17

OP.

Reply

evildemonchild | 18

#3507619 - Saturday 29 October 2011 6:52

I can't swim and I'm only 18 >.> I have problems with my body that wouldn't allow me to swim deep water. Plus I nearly drown at the public pool ._.

By papertigers_fml | 0

#214808 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:05

you could have said "swimming" a few more times you know

By ombrelle | 0

#214811 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:06

So shouldn't you be old enough to refuse wanting to take swim lessons? and who cares if you don't know how to swim or are terrified of the water... why do people make big deals out of nothing?

By heygirlheyyyyy | 0

#214816 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:07

if you're in high school, you should be over four feet tall, yes? 75% of pools are only four feet deep (excluding public pools). Just stand up!

Reply

hazelkee | 0

#1036056 - Saturday 19 June 2010 21:41

most pools aren't four feet there like 6 feet.

Reply

mattman2301 | 7

#6273182 - Saturday 25 April 2015 21:36

Don't you mean five feet? Nobody in high school is 4 feet tall...

Reply

iMuffinKat | 16

#6609452 - Thursday 19 May 2016 7:21

141 - Unless you're a midget. And there are people who are under five feet who are in high school and are adults.

By VegasMade702 | 0

#214831 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:09

You're in high school and you write like a 4th grader. I think your mom should spend that swimming money on a tutor instead.

By fuzzyface73 | 2

#214839 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:11

Swimming is a basic skill that everyone should master - but there should be beginner classes for people your age.

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#214864 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:21

Shoulda taken swimming lessons yeeears ago to gain early confidence and get used to it faster...now you get be embarrassed.....YDI

By Xero3g | 5

#214876 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:25

Join the military. They'll make sure you learn to swim.

On a side note: I find it somewhat ironic that I'm listening to "Into the Ocean," while reading this.

By Cheatx | 0

#214882 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:27

wow just stop whining and learn to swim. Sounds like the 5-6 yr olds are more mature than you

Reply

manonthemoon3 | 4

#5089636 - Sunday 28 October 2012 5:13

Have you ever heard of a phobia?

Reply

extrasnipes | 22

#5899307 - Saturday 29 March 2014 12:51

well op didnt say she has a phobia

By dzizzle | 0

#214892 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 20:30

Does your mom have a late-onset fear that you'll drown? Shouldn't she have been more afraid when you were little? My local Y has classes for adults who never learned to swim.