Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML - FML

By Funnymann - United States

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

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Higher standards

Mr. Burns

No, Drake, no

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

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By oops - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to dinner with an amazing guy. At the end he said he had to go to the washroom. 15 min later he was still MIA, so I figured he'd ditched me with the bill. I paid and left. 10 min later he texted me, asking where I was. Turns out he hadn't ditched me. He was having "stomach issues." FML

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By fmlgirl - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, marks my fifth day being an English teacher's assistant. I spent it like the other four days: grading and editing terrible Teen Wolf, One Direction and Doctor Who high school fan-fiction. Six months until I get out of here. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2021 00:01

Skipped town

Today, I went to my girlfriend's apartment, but it was empty. I went to her parents' house, it was empty as well. She isn’t responding to my messages, so I guess I got ghosted in real life and online. FML

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By fuggers :/ - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend of four years decided that the best way to break up with me was to move out of our apartment while I was at work, and then text me a video of himself having sex with another girl. FML

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By James - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML

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By lm - Ireland

Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream "Don't take me, take my children!" FML

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By R_U_CEREAL - United States

Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML

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By aasatt22 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend an iPhone. I preloaded it with a bunch of cool apps and stuff and spent a lot and money. She used it to send a text to me 3 hours later saying that she thought we should break up. FML

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By fuckingbeliebers - United States - Gorham

Today, my friend and I were discussing music bands, and I asked who her favorite Queen member is. She looked at me like I was from another world and said, "I don't have a favorite British queen. That's like, so weird." FML

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By emsbuffalo - United States

Today, my mom came home from surgery. Upon arriving home, she flashed a paper in my face and said, "Want to see pictures of my colon?" My eyes are still burning. FML

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By Canonlizardjet - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I had a near-death experience. Went to print a document and a lizard shot out of the printer right out at me. Gives a whole new meaning to a Canon printer, a fricking lizard Canon. FML

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By WhyGodWhy - United States - Addison

Today, I spent the first night in my new home as a first-time homeowner. I was relaxing and enjoying the feeling of having my own space when I reached over to get my glasses and came back with a cockroach. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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By bdw89 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years still can't get it that dry humping me and saying, "But I'm horny" in a goofy voice isn't a turn on. FML

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By Shitty genes, no two ways about it. - Australia - Perth

Today, my son had to help out at the local retirement home for his community service. He got in serious trouble and came whining to me about it after he tried threatening some of the residents into taking part in a Harlem Shake video. FML

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By POLYBLOT - United States

Today, I took chocolax to help lose some weight before I left for Miami. Turns out it doesn't happen right away like in the movies, it happens six hours later in front of your girlfriends parents, that you've just met for the first time at a very upperclass restaurant. FML

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By ciotter - United States

Today, my cat sneezed directly into my open eyeball. FML

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By CatLady

Today, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my best friend and her 18-month-old. I really had to fart, so I let one go silently, hoping it would go unnoticed. I caught a whiff of it, but so did my friend apparently, because she made a face and then held up her baby to smell her diaper. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

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By LearnGeographyUSA - United States - Kirkland

Today, it's been 13 months since I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Out of the frying pan…

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

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By muggle68 - United States

Today, was my birthday. I have been heavily hinting that I want an iPhone. I opened my present from my parents and found an iPhone box. Ecstatic, I quickly opened it. Apparently, my parents thought it would be funny to wrap my present, a $10 iTunes gift card, in the box my Dad's iPhone came in. FML

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By fatandsad - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

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By novaguy - United States

Today, I learned that, when choking on a piece of food, you can cough hard enough to partially prolapse a hemorrhoid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By IDPlease

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

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By norestforthewicked - United States

Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML

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By banj0 - United States - Madison

Today, I had to pry my sister's used tampon out from between my dog's jaws. FML

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By ScarredDaughter - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend tried to use his “grief” at the death of a coworker to get butt sex, even though I know for a fact he didn’t like the guy that much, and just last week wished for the guy to get hit by a bus. Pretty despicable way to try get back door access if you ask me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I found dog poop in my room that had probably been there for days. My girlfriend, who was watching the house, said she didn't realize it was there, because she thought it was the smell of her own farts. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my dad gave me a twenty minute lecture about responsibility and how lazy he considers me to be. He then yelled at me for not making his bed and getting his clothes off the floor. FML

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By foreverafatty - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

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By Ew?Really? - United States - Montrose

Today, my husband was disgusted by me expressing breast milk while we were in the shower together. This is the same man who thinks it's funny to pee on my legs because, "It'll wash off." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Ashburton

Today, trying to be a good role model for the kids behind me, I stopped and thoroughly checked both sides of the road before crossing. I still managed to get hit by a car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

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Top comments

By luvuall | 0

#791712 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:15

It was Jigglypuff

By susieKiute | 0

#791682 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:09

paranormal activity?

COMMENTS

By escapenowx | 0

#791675 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:07

wow, lol I'd put cameras around my housee

Reply

anonymous45610 | 0

#791689 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:10

holy crap :o !

Reply

PattisonDaStud | 0

#791777 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:32

wat r camreas

Reply

thecitylights | 0

#791798 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:40

um what?

Reply

JoshTheMaggot | 8

#792062 - Saturday 23 January 2010 1:20

idk WTF are camreas being since he said cameras so if you were trying to case on someone you fail sir. and as for the OP fyl you need a neighborhood watch and definitely some cameras

Reply

Pointy130 | 0

#792196 - Saturday 23 January 2010 2:08

Ninjas don't appear on camera.

Reply

gabbaharris | 0

#792603 - Saturday 23 January 2010 5:43

days sad

Reply

wgs9513 | 0

#792626 - Saturday 23 January 2010 5:55

I have 3 camreas. WTF is wrong with you guys.

Reply

wiimii | 0

#792647 - Saturday 23 January 2010 6:13

he probably "sleep drew" on his face LOL

Reply

iwadasn | 32

#793030 - Saturday 23 January 2010 13:29

97 wins.

Reply

pattywat | 0

#793108 - Saturday 23 January 2010 15:04

that sucks

Reply

JrRida | 0

#820698 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 5:07

instead of putting it on fml call the police. ?

Reply

tazzy8775 | 0

#826368 - Friday 5 February 2010 4:39

you win 97

Reply

alexomAnexo | 0

#937798 - Friday 12 March 2010 2:31

Paranormal Activity.....

Reply

albert17 | 0

#965892 - Sunday 21 March 2010 19:13

you have now entered... the twilight zone. do dunenu dunenu
(my twilight zone music is weird)

Reply

pipp360 | 0

#973338 - Saturday 3 April 2010 2:30

fuck the cameras, get a gun!!

Reply

x_ECHooo_x | 0

#981080 - Saturday 17 April 2010 23:25

97 Winss. Lol.

Reply

maw675 | 0

#981225 - Sunday 18 April 2010 6:12

get a gun and shot them for drawling ong ur face??? stupid

Reply

Neonnight | 0

#3398853 - Friday 7 October 2011 2:53

Nice 97 love it

Reply

havingalaugh | 9

#4771168 - Saturday 4 August 2012 7:41

Check out hiddencamsnow.com and get some hidden cameras there now!

By CitizenSnipz | 0

#791676 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:08

onoez.

Reply

travisinthetrunk | 10

#6684240 - Tuesday 6 September 2016 11:54

Are you named after a crab named Lucky? If so, I love the reference.

By xoxoshexibbygrl | 0

#791680 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:09

lol

By susieKiute | 0

#791682 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:09

paranormal activity?

Reply

Grey123 | 0

#791899 - Saturday 23 January 2010 0:18

lmao

Reply

yuchen | 3

#801975 - Wednesday 27 January 2010 12:55

lol

Reply

rachelpfitzner | 3

#2246462 - Sunday 27 March 2011 1:53

hahahaha

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#4119744 - Sunday 4 March 2012 6:03

Paranormal Activity: College Addition

Reply

hkhkallday | 4

#4868270 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 7:14

Edition* (:

Reply

frank_b102 | 9

#5919211 - Saturday 19 April 2014 7:28

Paranormal immaturity: high school edition XD

Reply

Kevinmeowbeanz | 22

#6464839 - Thursday 19 November 2015 6:02

damn prankster ghost

By slatter | 1

#791683 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:09

fyl what did it say!

By Attrox | 0

#791687 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:10

Stop doing drugs man. And don't listen to the guy dressed up like a rabbit.

Reply

donkey_hang_down | 2

#791695 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:11

Donnie is that you?

Reply

michaelscott69 | 0

#792085 - Saturday 23 January 2010 1:29

LOL, win

Reply

Jayy28 | 0

#821543 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 13:37

HAHAHAHA win fo sho!

Reply

harrypotterfanat_fml | 3

#1391610 - Sunday 12 September 2010 7:43

lmao!!

By Twi_lover_EC | 6

#791690 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:11

I would put an alarm system on my house. :/

Reply

mizzritter101 | 1

#791989 - Saturday 23 January 2010 1:01

lol! i agree with this chicca!

Reply

Twi_lover_EC | 6

#792439 - Saturday 23 January 2010 4:01

LOL-"chicca" mizzritter101

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#792691 - Saturday 23 January 2010 6:47

Get back in the kitchen, you Twitard.

By Haislipa | 0

#791694 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:11

wow that's scary lol

Reply

sykes831 | 0

#792248 - Saturday 23 January 2010 2:30

LOLOLOL that really is scary but I laughed out loud for this one :)

By AxCxDxDx | 0

#791696 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:12

There's only one explanation, extra terrestrial writing experiments.

Reply

FistPump | 0

#791713 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:15

I concur.

Reply

spoo | 24

#791715 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:15

OP has to check their butt, surely they left some funny graffiti down there

Reply

Sappheyes | 0

#791979 - Saturday 23 January 2010 1:00

An alien frat house got drunk and went cruising for Earthlings.

Reply

toxic10uhc | 0

#794636 - Sunday 24 January 2010 3:32

omg aqua teen hunger force??

By luvuall | 0

#791712 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:15

It was Jigglypuff

Reply

trizdan | 0

#791745 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:24

win

Reply

Dphilipson | 0

#791771 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:29

lol

Reply

dnlphm94 | 0

#791773 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:30

I miss the old episodes xD

Reply

HoesInaBox | 0

#791847 - Friday 22 January 2010 23:56

omg! gengar! ^ win

Reply

p1ss3d0ff | 0

#791867 - Saturday 23 January 2010 0:03

lmaooo. aww, i remember jiggly puff =/ good ol' days.

Reply

flames288 | 0

#792801 - Saturday 23 January 2010 8:54

AAHHAHHHHHAHHHAHAHAHA jigglypuff ftw XD

Reply

gunnar7240 | 0

#986492 - Thursday 29 April 2010 7:26

You are such a nerd.

Reply

SereniLove | 0

#1511061 - Thursday 7 October 2010 9:45

jiiiiiiiggalllyyyypufffg jiiiiiiigallllyyyyyyy pufffffg

Reply

JuiceyyJae | 13

#3012044 - Monday 1 August 2011 3:32

lmao, good one

Reply

Amberose1006 | 11

#5755104 - Friday 15 November 2013 4:35

Yes!

Reply

OzzyTheGiant | 14

#6562952 - Sunday 20 March 2016 5:43

damn it jigglypuff! no one wants to hear you sing!!!