Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom....

By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

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Miscellaneous

Deep-seated resentment

Grow up

Buzzing the tower

By Mayshod - 3/5/2011 12:04

Today, I met my new neighbors when they backed into my parked car. FML

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By Ashleigh - 22/4/2011 18:43 - United States

Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML

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By kb - 1/2/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2012 02:42 - United States

Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2016 00:56 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

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By Nickname - 12/10/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I went to the emergency room for busting my lip open, I had to lie and tell them I slipped and fell. In reality I was singing with the soap bottle and slammed it into my lip. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2015 05:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 05:38 - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

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By danjoylovefun - 25/10/2010 00:36 - United States

Today, I woke up to shit on my floor and my cat hiding under my comforter. I have to get rid of my new fish because my cat is afraid of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2013 05:27 - Canada

Today, my husband suggested a way for us to "make some money" off our pregnancy. His great idea? Pregnancy porn. FML

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By rbeast - 21/7/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's overprotective parents decided that I'm a bad influence on their daughter. I'm a straight A engineering student who openly speaks out against drugs, alcohol, and discrimination. Their reason? Someone told them I dyed my hair black. They think I'm a "closet Nazi". FML

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By enya - 18/1/2016 22:29 - Luxembourg

Today, my dad and uncle got in an argument over money and ended up fighting in the back garden. Only, my dad is a muay thai fighter and my uncle is an MMA fighter, and they're refusing to stop until one of them is out cold. I foresee me driving them both to the hospital before midnight. FML

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By Miserable - 11/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I did laundry in my apartment complex's laundry room. I put my stuff in the dryer and returned to my room. The sign on the door says the laundry room closes at 10 pm, but that's rarely true. Tonight it was. I have to wait until 8 am. I work at 7:30. My work clothes are in there. FML

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By Oops - 2/12/2018 13:30

Today, I submitted some honest negative feedback to the customer service team of all my favourite games, Today is also the day all my accounts got permanently banned from my console and I have lost all my progress. Bye bye 22 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2016 15:59 - United States - De Soto

Today, I was at a party. A guy kept looking at me, so I tried to strike up a conversation with him. I realized he was drunk when he slurred, "Ya know, you're the only girl I've met that's fat AND flat chested!" There goes my self-esteem. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2017 00:00

Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when I was little. The one where my cousin and I were caught pooping in a urinal in the church basement. FML

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By gtrs750 - 9/8/2009 13:48 - Canada

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

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By Apple - 12/6/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house, and I asked if I could try on one of her dresses. It was a little snug, but I got it on. When it came time to take it off though, it wouldn't budge. My friend and her mom had to cut it off me. FML

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By stink - 1/7/2015 02:40 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after working alone in a room all day, I let a fart sneak out. Just then, my drop dead gorgeous boss and two new girls walked in. I could literally see them hit the stench and cringe. FML

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By walkingdictionary - 18/1/2013 02:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

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By Silverfeathery - 2/12/2014 02:06

Today, during a moment of silence in front of the entire high school during my band concert, I managed to hit the stand with my flute, and loudly scrambled to catch it before it fell over. I've never had so many people look at me. FML

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By edhere4u2nv - 6/6/2012 18:51 - United States - Ozone Park

Today, I got into a fight with my mom, and stormed out of the house. I walked two blocks before realizing that I have no place to go, and no friends to vent to. FML

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By Thatguynoonelikes - 29/9/2015 13:21 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was babysitting a couple of kids. I'd spent time with them before, so I brought my video game console to play with them. I forgot to take it home with me. They soon sold it to another kid for $10. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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By thank god you'll only live once - 8/11/2013 20:12 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

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By soljaboy - 4/6/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 16:29 - United States - Santee

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my cat meowing, with her dilated vagina in my face, giving birth to her first litter of kittens. FML

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By loser - 20/7/2009 22:39 - Canada

Today, I was testing out my new webcam on an msn Video Call with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. In an attempt to look cool, I pretended to have a very interesting phone conversation. Later I found out my webcam has a mic. She "heard" the whole thing. FML

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By bouncekitty - 20/2/2011 17:04 - United States

Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia wore off, I asked how long the procedure took, and the nurse told me a little less than an hour. Apparently I thought this was hilarious and started laughing, which ripped my new stitches. FML

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By Chiiii - 15/11/2017 01:30

Today, I got home from working abroad for 8 months and opened my post. I'm being taken to court over 3 parking tickets my mum didn't tell me she'd gotten using my car. If we lose, my credit score is affected for 6 years. FML

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By CheLi - 8/12/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally invited me over to his parents house so I could meet them. My boyfriend, his dad and I were sitting in the living room, when I saw a really sketchy person outside, so I said, "There is some creepy hobo man outside, messing with your trash." The "creepy hobo" was his mom. FML

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By Kenny - 24/1/2014 07:16 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML

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By hb1 - 4/6/2016 18:15 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, I caught my "best friend" on my laptop, copying my girlfriend's nudes onto his flash drive. FML

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By littlebigbrother - 23/5/2012 06:13 - Japan

Today, we got a call that my brother stuck a rock up his nose and couldn't get it out. My mom had to pick him up and take him to the hospital. My brother is 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 15:48 - United States - Nashville

Today, for the first time, I made a guy get a boner and make out with me. This would've been great if it hadn't been a dream, and if the guy in question hadn't been my brother. FML

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By SocialAnxietySucks - 26/3/2014 03:31 - United States - Houghton

Today, the clock in the study lounge was off, so I was half-an-hour late to class. I was too embarrassed to walk in late, so I sat for the next half-hour with my ear against the door trying to hear the lecture. People stopped to ask if there was something wrong with me. Yeah, probably. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Porter

Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 04:00

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

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Top comments

By poopy910 | 8

#196483 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:29

what does your shoes have anything to do with it lol and that sucks majorly lol

By TheBrianWing | 0

#1211880 - Monday 9 August 2010 16:16

Obviously you don't have any asshole friends. When you pass out at a party with your shoes on, it indicates that you were unintentional about losing consciousness and you get messed with. If you are found with shoes off, it indicates you just got bored and went to sleep and need to be left alone.

COMMENTS

By ryan__h | 1

#196481 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:29

haha

troyboyd05 | 0

#887772 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 6:11

Would have been BAMF if it just happened to look like a giraffe.

By poopy910 | 8

#196483 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:29

what does your shoes have anything to do with it lol and that sucks majorly lol

TheBrianWing | 0

#1211880 - Monday 9 August 2010 16:16

Shaebug12 | 0

#1858915 - Saturday 18 December 2010 2:45

lol 172!!!

MohawkMagik666 | 0

#2479233 - Sunday 8 May 2011 22:56

Someone doesn't party.

Ackk18 | 0

#2487606 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 6:23

Its a rule at parties..don't fall asleep with your shoes on. if u do people will fuck with you. haha

skizza_fml | 3

#2488300 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 10:21

I got drawn all over last time and I had no shoes or socks on I guess they were all drunk past the point of caring about rules I spent around an hour washing off permanent marker, fml

By theoffkid | 0

#196493 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:29

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By luanamendes | 0

#196501 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:31

gross?

By Cheatx | 0

#196513 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:32

Proactive ftw.

By mubaki | 18

#196514 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:32

yeah #2 said it. shoes?

Falalala243 | 0

#3610842 - Sunday 20 November 2011 18:04

its a rule at parties. If you fall asleep with your shoes on it means you didnt mean to fall asleep, so people can mess with you. If your shoes are off, you meant to fall asleep, so they leave you alone. Not much of a partier, eh? :)

By GoldenGirl83 | 0

#196517 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:32

lmao sucks.

By fkjiwefakris | 0

#196527 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:33

yeah i don't get why the shoes matter? haha

anna15243 | 6

#3890469 - Monday 16 January 2012 3:59

look at the other replies moron

By shananigans | 0

#196530 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:34

Haha #2 I thought the same thing- "What was the relevance in pointing out your shoes were on?" LOL
Not really sure what the FYL is here though, unless people saw your face.

By Tickle_Me_Emma | 0

#196534 - Thursday 14 May 2009 1:35

WTF do Shoes have to do with anything!!!!