Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to... - FML

By argh - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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Serious times

And today, on Dr Phil…

Extreme cooking

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to sleep in after a rough week, only to be woken up by my roommate's sex screams and the pounding of her bed against the wall. Earplugs did not help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my dog alone in the house for ten minutes while I took a shower. When I got out I found a mess of dust all over the floor and her ripping up a package that was supposed to be sent to my aunt. It contained my grandmother's ashes. FML

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By AnonymousQuagga - United States - Flower Mound

Today, I was at the library, working with some classmates on our major semester project. I accidentally killed power to the row of computers by me. I've never had so many enraged faces looking at me before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found out who's been stealing clothes from me during swim practice. She called me a liar, despite wearing one of my sweaters, which has my initials stitched into it. FML

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By Azcrazy - United States

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She's been there all day. FML

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By retailworker

Customer service

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

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By scully11 - Canada

Cue Shaggy

Today, my old neighbor pelted me with apples when I walked out the door. I ducked for cover and asked what her problem was. She yelled, "You took fresh peas from my garden!" I looked at her garden, only to see my dad tiptoeing back to our lawn, laughing and holding a bag full of peas. FML

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By sweatstreaks - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Meriden

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

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By bjfail - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. FML

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By scarred for life - United States - Carmel

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

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By gmnesbitt - United States

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

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By T3kM4n - United States - Spokane

Today, I've been recovering for a week from my medically needed circumcision. I'm 30, and they advise you wear essentially a jock strap for the first week to help. It wasn't too bad until I went to take the thing off and it caught a stitch on my manhood. That's the most unique pain ever. FML

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By herANDi - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I'm already a clumsy person but became extra clumsy because I was nervous. After knocking over my drink for the fourth time, my boyfriend's mom angrily shouted "Did you actually come drunk for the first time meeting us?" FML

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By Anonymous

The Guru

Today, my husband told me he'd met a life guru online who, after paying the £29.99 consultancy fee, advised him to seize happiness at all times. So he decided to seize the 19 year-old redhead across the street, move in with her and get her pregnant. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in years. FML

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By whatthewoah - United States

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

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By stutterboy - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I was giving a presentation to my college class. I've had a natural stutter my whole life, so I stuttered through the whole thing. My professor tried to hold in her laughter for 15 minutes. FML

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By Karmaisabitch - United States - Boulder

Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 20:06 - Nigeria

Just because you can don't mean you should

Today, I got stuck in my washing machine. When my sister saw me, she just left me there. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

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By marriedlesbian

Today, after a dangerous and painful emergency caesarean, I received an SMS from a guy I turned down for a date, saying he was crying and so excited to meet 'our' baby. I've barely even shaken hands with this guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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By Bluetooth Connection

Today, I sat in the bathroom on my phone to rub one out after a long day. Wanting to hear the action, I upped the volume until the sound was low enough for me to hear, despite the volume being near max. I continued until I realized my phone was connected to my headset outside near my family. FML

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By (///▽///) - United States - Austin

Today, I learned that "prima donna" was not in fact "pre-Madonna" like I'd always thought. My family won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By Depressed - 14/7/2020 20:01

All for nothing

Today, due to some highly corrupted data that I had nothing to do with and no control over, around 5 years of pixel art I'd made, and spent most of my free time working on, has been permanently deleted, and there is no way to recover it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the canine behaviour course I am studying released a new assignment in which I need to film myself teaching a dog a new trick. The only dog I have access to is my sister's neurotic, anxious Chihuahua who bites at any sudden noise. FML

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By cassidy_smith12 - United States - Medina

Today, I was walking down the street when a man stole my purse. He then opened the purse, threw up in it, and gave it back. FML

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By wtf - India

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

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By Eisenhorn - United States

Today, our mouse problem finally started to go away. Now we have a snake problem. FML

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By jobless - United States - San Francisco

Today, for the first time since I can remember, I went in to work feeling positive, and that I could make good things happen. At the end of the day, my employment was terminated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Downey

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

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By DreeStahr - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 20:08

All weddings are themed

Today, I went to pick up my wedding dress from the seamstress, only to find out that my fiancé called two weeks ago to say I wanted the dress "tie-dyed to match our new theme." She believed him. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I forgot to bring my lunch to work. I got so hungry, I resorted to eating antacid tablets from the medicine cabinet for lunch. FML

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By so much for a good day - United States

Today, I grinned for five minutes straight because my friends told me it would put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. It gave me a migraine. FML

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By Tyler_Padgett - United States

Today, I was lighting fireworks for my cousin's birthday in my Grandmother's yard. When it came time to light the "Grand Finale", I read on the outside of the box,"Face this side toward crowd for best result". After I lit it, I realized that it was on it's side. I shot 100 fireworks at my family. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 17:01

Workaholic

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

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By unlovedfatty - United States

Today, I reactivated my Facebook account, having not used it for three months. My "friends" didn't realize this. According to their recent status updates, I'm disgustingly fat, have a hook nose, and I'm secretly hated. FML

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By GhettoBeast - New Zealand

Today, it was the first day of my job at a kindergarten. A boy fell over in the playground, so I ran over to see if he was OK. He got up and had a huge red mark on the side of his face. Shocked, I yelled "Oh my god, your face!" Turns out it's a very large port-wine birthmark and now he won't stop crying. FML

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Top comments

By Curfman | 0

#4191154 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:10

I bet they were bigger than yours too

By loserman67 | 35

#4191256 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:39

You my friend are suffering from deeply recessed homosexual tendencies. The influence of alcohol introduced into your brain function has let you "drop your guard" so to speak and you reacted by opening that "closed chamber" and let your deepest desires loose. By drawing several phalluses on your face and I am probably safe in saying that most of them, if not all were pointed at your mouth you were able to realize your dream of being orally penetrated by several well hung men. Go with your desires, do not keep them repressed, open the "well-spring" of sexual freedom you have been guarding as a secert all these years.
$300 dollars please.....
BTW - this post was funny as shit!

COMMENTS

By Mooish | 18

#4191153 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:10

Could be worse. What color did you draw em in?

Reply

chippedipp | 0

#4191159 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:11

He Said Dicks?

Reply

TheCaterpiller | 6

#4191343 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 17:04

And, what difference does that make?

Reply

TunechiXXL | 0

#4191386 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 17:15

So you draw dicks all over your face..... That is pathetic...... The virginity is "STRONG" with this one.....

Reply

tylersign | 11

#4191785 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:34

4- He also said "drunk" and "marker". So- the- hell- what?

Reply

Cad6 | 24

#4192059 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 20:52

On the contrary, if I saw someone walking around with multi-colored dicks on his face I would think it was fucking hilarious.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4192195 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 21:26

I hope it was bright pink.

Reply

TheElderTROLLZ | 15

#4193818 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:38

OP's gonna get laid tonight! Sorry for my terrible humor. :(

By Curfman | 0

#4191154 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:10

I bet they were bigger than yours too

Reply

inferiarmy | 0

#4191616 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 18:51

BOOM

Reply

edibleamazing | 4

#4191694 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:12

ZING

Reply

EduJav321 | 24

#4192640 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 23:29

KABLAM

Reply

CookieGirl4ever | 13

#4193107 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 1:22

BAZINGA

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4193328 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 2:24

EXPLOSION

Reply

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4193748 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:23

"insert onomatopoeia here"

Reply

ShawnzieNstuff | 6

#4194301 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:09

Thats what she said ^ Haha!

Reply

aaahhhfire21 | 0

#4194380 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:58

Sad when u don't have friends and have to resort to degrading urself while drunk

Reply

NiiTeH | 7

#4194420 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 8:31

LE POW

Reply

XanderScythe | 11

#4202035 - Thursday 22 March 2012 23:11

SHABALABADICK

Reply

jaystreet46 | 4

#4205112 - Friday 23 March 2012 13:29

YOWZA!!

By missamerica95 | 0

#4191156 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:11

At least you were having fun OP!

Reply

thgiL | 9

#4192686 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 23:41

No regrets in life man, yolo. Also permanent marker comes off... 2 good washes or one amazing wash scrub a lot!!

By dwvork | 6

#4191165 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:12

Fantasy of yours?

By taerts | 9

#4191174 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:15

You took the initiative, your friends didn't even have to do it for you

Reply

Zaros_fml | 24

#4191801 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:38

Everyone loves a considerate friend.

By mandadarling | 10

#4191183 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:17

Although you have cock on your face now, OP, at least they are just drawings ;)

Reply

TunechiXXL | 0

#4191395 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 17:18

You are beautiful ;)

Reply

kbtoyz69 | 9

#4191519 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 18:12

hey what's up?

Reply

mandadarling | 10

#4191684 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:10

How you doin? :P

Reply

iamyummylicious | 14

#4191733 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:20

Get a room you two. Or at least use private messaging.

Reply

jaystreet46 | 4

#4205115 - Friday 23 March 2012 13:30

You look like you could use some on yours

By hateevryone | 14

#4191185 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:19

What the hell?

Reply

HeartOfLead | 24

#4193900 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:57

I guess OP from the last FML didnt have enough to drink.

By idontknowyou123 | 0

#4191217 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:30

sounds like my saint patricks day night

By FlashBurn | 13

#4191221 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:30

Wow, must've eaten the worm. Never eat the worm! That's when it gets really fun.

By emmaa3451 | 11

#4191228 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:31

At least it wasn't a tattoo..

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4191900 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 20:03

Hangover 2!