Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to... - FML

By argh - 20/3/2012 08:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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Great boyfriend

Vultures

Night terrors

By tacky_unrefined - 16/2/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Therapy needed urgently - 8/4/2018 19:00

Kinky.

Today, after I got fed up and told my bullying step-brother exactly what I thought of him, he became overly polite. He then admitted that me shouting at him was the most turned on he's ever been in his life. Now he loves me and wants to be my "submissive" boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 03:25 - United States

Today, I discovered why my house smells like death. Apparently, because of the rain, a whole load of worms crawled into my garage and died. They're everywhere. FML

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By Jeri - 26/2/2010 12:55 - United States

Today, I begged my husband to take me to the ER cause my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. He told me to go sit on the toilet and stop being a drama queen. I drove myself to the hospital just in time for my appendix to burst. I almost died because my husband was busy playing xbox. FML

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By give me an F - 5/1/2014 16:16 - United Kingdom - Corby

Today, was my first day as a male cheerleader in an attempt to flirt. The girls were stronger than me and it's now my job to be thrown in the air by girls. FML

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By de-ow-dorant - 19/1/2017 08:00

Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML

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By neednewfriends - 19/12/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I ran into the living room when I heard the smoke alarm going off. Turns out, my friend thought it was a good idea to melt a plastic cup on my floor heater. He also thought the best way to put it out was to urinate on it. My house smells like burnt pee. FML

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By trippiex - 30/11/2019 20:00

Today, I was driving by the carnival and I really had to use the bathroom. I saw a porta-potty next to a house, so I parked in their front yard to use the bathroom very quickly. I came out to see a group of teenage boys urinating on my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2014 19:57 - Australia

Today, I stubbed the same toe three times in fifteen minutes. How? My sister moved most of the furniture in the house to the left by a few inches, because she thought it would be funny to watch me get confused and suffer. FML

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By AtheistLookingforRoomie - 12/1/2017 22:00

Today, I had a meeting with a potential roommate to rent a 2/2 space and it was going well. We laughed, joked, and seemed to get along and want the same things. At the end of the conversation, however, he said he needed to "pray" about his decision to room with an atheist. This probably won't work out. FML

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By RIP_Nose - 3/4/2014 21:48 - Germany - Aidenbach

Today, I was supervising a written exam, which took place in a really warm room. Half of the two hundred participants has probably never heard of deodorants. The other half used probably the whole can this morning. I had to stay in this inferno of stench for five hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 18:16 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML

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By Emily - 6/7/2011 08:33 - Australia

Today, I got home to three boys riding bikes out in front of my house, smiling at me. I instantly thought they were checking me out, so I smiled sweetly at them. Turns out they were flaunting the fact that they just stole all 3 of our bikes. FML

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By Skullie - 19/2/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML

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By devourer, apparently - 14/8/2018 22:18

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that I had grown on him. I thought it was cute, until he added, "like a flesh eating bacteria". FML

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By aireeahna - 20/5/2016 06:04 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've been talking to. We ended up at his house around 4 a.m., but as we walked through the front door, his ex girlfriend was sitting on the couch, apparently waiting for him to get home. They still live together. FML

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By screwyouchris - 16/10/2015 23:08 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

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By momma6126 - 25/8/2011 04:47 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law is house hunting in my town. There is a house for sale 2 doors down from me. In her price range. FML

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By mylifesucks - 30/8/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by sending me a Bumper Sticker on Facebook that said "Bitch, let's get married". FML

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By misTreated - 30/5/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I was spelling T-R-E-A-T to my fiancé so that the dog wouldn't understand what I was talking about. Turns out, neither could my fiancé. FML

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By WhenRumoursAreBetterThanReality - 26/6/2014 11:35 - Australia - Belconnen

Today, I got a call from a friend asking why I didn't tell him I was engaged. I'm not, but I wish I was. Rumours about my life seem to be better than the reality. FML

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By MikaPika - 7/3/2017 20:00 - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, my boss offered me a 3% "raise" with new commission targets. Consequently this "raise" would result in my income being reduced by a third. Apparently, if I can reach my current targets, they're too easy. So, as a reward for being great at my job, I get a reduced salary. FML

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By john doe - 7/12/2013 17:29 - United States - Portland

Today, my 6-year-old daughter got mad at me for not buying her yet another expensive doll. I had to pull her away, and she started screaming for help. The next thing I know, another shopper puts me in a chokehold and calls for security, all while my daughter smirks. FML

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By vlcardenx3 - 12/3/2011 21:11 - United States

Today, I was at Aéropostale with some friends when I noticed a woman glaring at me. When we got to the checkout, the woman still had her eyes on me, so I asked why she was staring. She snapped, "If you had kept your legs closed, you wouldn't be pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

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By Itstheapocalypse - 26/11/2017 19:00

Today, while performing a therapeutic massage, I dropped my clients head, shuddered, and jumped away. Why? I watch too much Walking Dead and when I lifted her head to stretch her neck, her soft breathing sounded like a zombie. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I went to a movie and a dinner with a girl. During dinner, she excused herself to go to the bathroom, so I checked my social media feeds while waiting for her to return. She'd posted on her twitter "Worst. Ever." I thought it was going well. FML

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By sausages - 17/1/2014 20:56 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

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By Joe - 10/3/2009 00:26 - Canada

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

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By MERRY FUCKMYARSEMASS - 26/12/2013 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML

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By wtf bro - 20/5/2015 08:45 - Australia - Canberra

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

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By sorrynotsorry - 19/8/2014 02:59 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, campus security called me to let me know a lawnmower crashed into my car. Apparently the guy mowing the lawn lost control. My car wasn't parked by any grass. I need a new bumper. FML

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By Icci - 12/12/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, at work I was playing football with one of my camp kids in the indoor-pool. I saw a co-worker walking by and I decided to hit him with the football. The football slipped out of my hand and I hit a lady in the face, breaking her nose, and causing her to fall and get a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

The sweet smell of unsuccess

Today, it marks the 3-month anniversary of adopting the 'I don't have the slightest chance at success' attitude at work. In those 3 months, my boss, my coworkers and my boss's boss have all agreed and our relationships have greatly improved. FML

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By God,NotAgain,Please - 15/4/2017 19:00 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2010 07:47 - United States

Today, I was driving back home after hanging out with some friends. I drove pass a woman standing next to a broken down car. I felt bad, so went back and offered her a ride home. Turns out it wasn't her car and she was a hooker. FML

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By betterpianist - 29/11/2016 21:04 - United States

Today, the girl I've liked for over a year, broke up with me after just 2 weeks of dating, all because I'm a better pianist then her. I've been playing since I was 8. She's been playing for 6 months. FML

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By RaveCharlie - 18/4/2013 22:47 - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend twice. Apparently the first time she thought I was kidding. FML

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By notamathematician - 7/3/2010 10:27 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML

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Top comments

By Curfman | 0

#4191154 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:10

I bet they were bigger than yours too

By loserman67 | 35

#4191256 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:39

You my friend are suffering from deeply recessed homosexual tendencies. The influence of alcohol introduced into your brain function has let you "drop your guard" so to speak and you reacted by opening that "closed chamber" and let your deepest desires loose. By drawing several phalluses on your face and I am probably safe in saying that most of them, if not all were pointed at your mouth you were able to realize your dream of being orally penetrated by several well hung men. Go with your desires, do not keep them repressed, open the "well-spring" of sexual freedom you have been guarding as a secert all these years.
$300 dollars please.....
BTW - this post was funny as shit!

COMMENTS

By Mooish | 18

#4191153 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:10

Could be worse. What color did you draw em in?

Reply

chippedipp | 0

#4191159 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:11

He Said Dicks?

Reply

TheCaterpiller | 6

#4191343 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 17:04

And, what difference does that make?

Reply

TunechiXXL | 0

#4191386 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 17:15

So you draw dicks all over your face..... That is pathetic...... The virginity is "STRONG" with this one.....

Reply

tylersign | 11

#4191785 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:34

4- He also said "drunk" and "marker". So- the- hell- what?

Reply

Cad6 | 24

#4192059 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 20:52

On the contrary, if I saw someone walking around with multi-colored dicks on his face I would think it was fucking hilarious.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4192195 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 21:26

I hope it was bright pink.

Reply

TheElderTROLLZ | 15

#4193818 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:38

OP's gonna get laid tonight! Sorry for my terrible humor. :(

By Curfman | 0

#4191154 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:10

I bet they were bigger than yours too

Reply

inferiarmy | 0

#4191616 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 18:51

BOOM

Reply

edibleamazing | 4

#4191694 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:12

ZING

Reply

EduJav321 | 24

#4192640 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 23:29

KABLAM

Reply

CookieGirl4ever | 13

#4193107 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 1:22

BAZINGA

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4193328 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 2:24

EXPLOSION

Reply

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4193748 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:23

"insert onomatopoeia here"

Reply

ShawnzieNstuff | 6

#4194301 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:09

Thats what she said ^ Haha!

Reply

aaahhhfire21 | 0

#4194380 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:58

Sad when u don't have friends and have to resort to degrading urself while drunk

Reply

NiiTeH | 7

#4194420 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 8:31

LE POW

Reply

XanderScythe | 11

#4202035 - Thursday 22 March 2012 23:11

SHABALABADICK

Reply

jaystreet46 | 4

#4205112 - Friday 23 March 2012 13:29

YOWZA!!

By missamerica95 | 0

#4191156 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:11

At least you were having fun OP!

Reply

thgiL | 9

#4192686 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 23:41

No regrets in life man, yolo. Also permanent marker comes off... 2 good washes or one amazing wash scrub a lot!!

By dwvork | 6

#4191165 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:12

Fantasy of yours?

By taerts | 9

#4191174 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:15

You took the initiative, your friends didn't even have to do it for you

Reply

Zaros_fml | 24

#4191801 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:38

Everyone loves a considerate friend.

By mandadarling | 10

#4191183 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:17

Although you have cock on your face now, OP, at least they are just drawings ;)

Reply

TunechiXXL | 0

#4191395 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 17:18

You are beautiful ;)

Reply

kbtoyz69 | 9

#4191519 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 18:12

hey what's up?

Reply

mandadarling | 10

#4191684 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:10

How you doin? :P

Reply

iamyummylicious | 14

#4191733 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:20

Get a room you two. Or at least use private messaging.

Reply

jaystreet46 | 4

#4205115 - Friday 23 March 2012 13:30

You look like you could use some on yours

By hateevryone | 14

#4191185 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:19

What the hell?

Reply

HeartOfLead | 24

#4193900 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:57

I guess OP from the last FML didnt have enough to drink.

By idontknowyou123 | 0

#4191217 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:30

sounds like my saint patricks day night

By FlashBurn | 13

#4191221 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:30

Wow, must've eaten the worm. Never eat the worm! That's when it gets really fun.

By emmaa3451 | 11

#4191228 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:31

At least it wasn't a tattoo..

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4191900 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 20:03

Hangover 2!