Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to... - FML

By argh - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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Instadrama

Do as I say, not as I do

Public transport FTW

By Jill - France

Today, a friend of mine commented that I "have a lot of confidence for a fat girl". Ummm... thanks? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife and I had one of the biggest arguments we've ever had, which resulted in her leaving, going to her parents' house and calling me twice, screaming and sobbing. The argument was over a seven dollar bottle of wine. Apparently, she was "saving it for a special occasion." FML

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By jamisbetter - United Kingdom

Today, I got headbutted for saying that Nutella is overrated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, my sister and her two-year-old came to my place for a visit. Not long after arriving, my niece ripped off her diaper and immediately took a dump on my white carpet. Guess who had to 'suddenly' leave afterwards, leaving me to clean up the mess. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a news story about how wearing flip-flops is dangerous. I scoffed at the ridiculous study and went about my business. Three hours later I accidentally ripped off my toenail. While wearing flip-flops. FML

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By DatAss

Today, I was out grocery shopping when some pervert decided to slap my ass as they walked by. As I turned around to confront them, I saw that the culprit was a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I was so shocked, speechless and angry that I couldn't even decide how to handle the situation. FML

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By Stigmamma - 28/6/2020 05:06

Taking advantage

Today, after 3 months of my man claiming he's going to start eating better "next week", he finally went on a diet. What changed? I started eating healthy while trying for a baby. He is "supporting me" by getting me to do extra meal prep for him too. FML

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By heartfelt - Sweden - Uppsala

How you remind me

Today, I was rejected by a company I applied to. When I was writing my application, I spent so much time on their website researching that the ads on my browser are almost all for their products. It's like getting rejected again with every click. FML

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By Anonymous

Fight!

Today, I overheard my husband of 3 years talking to our boss, an attractive blonde. She was telling him that she couldn't believe he was with me. She thinks I'm fat and ugly and that he's hot. He said, "She's not that bad…" We work in the same store and she follows him around like a puppy. FML

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By kimbo - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and had a flick through my camera photos. To my disgust my mother had taken pictures of herself, drunk out of her mind, naked with goggles on in our hot tub. FML

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By Dgama - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

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By calebeutsler - United States

Today, I was at a pie auction. During it, I had to hold a pie in a glass case to be sold. In the middle of the auction, I raised my hand to scratch my face, and dropped the pie and broke the glass. It was worth $1000. FML

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By anon_smh - United States - Bozeman

Today, after interviewing for a promotion to a position that was created with me in mind, I eagerly accepted a call from my boss, expecting good news. Turns out, they found a better applicant, who they don't believe will need support from the position I currently hold, so it's being eliminated. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By babypenguin00 - United States - Newark

Today, marks the third girlfriend in a row that has broken up with me for my terrible dandruff. I can't control it as I was born with psoriasis. All three girls called me pathetic for "making up" a disease to try to get them to stay. FML

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By Robert Herrin

Today, being the man of the house, I decided to work on the car. Long story short, there's a towel in my transmission. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from the Hollister manager yelling at me for not showing up for work that night. I was never informed I got the job. I missed my first day of work. FML

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By carson28 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

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By unzucht - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my wife and I convened our families for a joint dinner, followed by me breaking the news that my wife is pregnant. My father visibly scoffed, and my grandfather spent the rest of the evening muttering to him about how "breeders should be shot". Wonderful. FML

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By manderz? - United States - Beach Haven

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

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By Anonymous

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I was bathing my dog at a self-serve dog wash at a pet store. The person next to me decided to express his dog's anal glands, and the vile, greasy, fish-smelling liquid hit me on the side of my face. FML

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By acorn - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother making arrangements to go to a dinner tonight where I will be honored for my political activism. She made it clear she's only going for me, and does NOT support the gay rights group that is putting the dinner on. I was planning on coming out after dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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By Anto - France

Today, in front of a hospital, I noticed that an old lady was having trouble lighting her cigarette because she had Parkison's. So I went to help her to light it up and she then started chatting with me and told me she had lung cancer. FML

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By indi1011 - Australia

Today, I was giving a presentation to a group of high school kids about how being 'cool' wasn't as important as they might think. When I was done I asked for questions. A kid says, "Miss, I get that you're not into being cool, but you're wearing your pants inside out.' He was right. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - K?ge

Today, I came home from a business trip and was greeted by a foul smell. I soon found out my husband accidentally let the milk go bad by leaving it out all day, then tried to solve the problem by "balancing the temperatures" by putting it in the freezer. Oh honey, no. Just no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Holland

Today, after an argument, my boyfriend called me a fart knocker and gave me a wedgie. Apparently, I'm dating an 10-year-old. FML

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By El Sayer - 3/3/2020 23:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Hey, Big Spender!

Today, I put a lock on my account because of several unknown purchases for large amounts. Turns out it was my girlfriend, without asking. Who is now mad at me for blocking her parcels. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally found out why my girlfriend doesn't want kids. She discovered Rugrats recently and, after binge watching the whole series, decided that our would-be children would be too adventurous for us to handle. FML

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By ur_life_dus_suck - United States - Wayne

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at dinner, my grandmother informed us that my cousin's newborn baby has been having seizures. My verbal filter did not switch on in time and I replied, "It's not a seizure if you're shaking it." FML

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By str3tch - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

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By anon

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By Badhairday - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

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By Brit - Reserved

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

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By handygirl - 31/1/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

I'm here!

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

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By taz

Today, I saw an old high school friend I haven't seen in years and decided to sneak up to surprise him. In the last 15 years he became a soldier and a Muay Thai martial artist. My arm is numb and I think I may be peeing blood. Never sneak up behind a soldier. It really hurts. FML

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By ColderThanCold

Today, the company that was supposed to clear our apartment's parking lot never showed up. I almost got frostbite in my fingers trying to shovel someone's car out since my gloves got soaking wet. FML

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By Powerfool - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

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Top comments

By Curfman | 0

#4191154 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:10

I bet they were bigger than yours too

By loserman67 | 35

#4191256 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:39

You my friend are suffering from deeply recessed homosexual tendencies. The influence of alcohol introduced into your brain function has let you "drop your guard" so to speak and you reacted by opening that "closed chamber" and let your deepest desires loose. By drawing several phalluses on your face and I am probably safe in saying that most of them, if not all were pointed at your mouth you were able to realize your dream of being orally penetrated by several well hung men. Go with your desires, do not keep them repressed, open the "well-spring" of sexual freedom you have been guarding as a secert all these years.
$300 dollars please.....
BTW - this post was funny as shit!

COMMENTS

By Mooish | 18

#4191153 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:10

Could be worse. What color did you draw em in?

Reply

chippedipp | 0

#4191159 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:11

He Said Dicks?

Reply

TheCaterpiller | 6

#4191343 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 17:04

And, what difference does that make?

Reply

TunechiXXL | 0

#4191386 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 17:15

So you draw dicks all over your face..... That is pathetic...... The virginity is "STRONG" with this one.....

Reply

tylersign | 11

#4191785 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:34

4- He also said "drunk" and "marker". So- the- hell- what?

Reply

Cad6 | 24

#4192059 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 20:52

On the contrary, if I saw someone walking around with multi-colored dicks on his face I would think it was fucking hilarious.

Reply

ladyLALAA | 28

#4192195 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 21:26

I hope it was bright pink.

Reply

TheElderTROLLZ | 15

#4193818 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:38

OP's gonna get laid tonight! Sorry for my terrible humor. :(

By Curfman | 0

#4191154 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:10

I bet they were bigger than yours too

Reply

inferiarmy | 0

#4191616 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 18:51

BOOM

Reply

edibleamazing | 4

#4191694 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:12

ZING

Reply

EduJav321 | 24

#4192640 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 23:29

KABLAM

Reply

CookieGirl4ever | 13

#4193107 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 1:22

BAZINGA

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4193328 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 2:24

EXPLOSION

Reply

InstantRanbowMix | 0

#4193748 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:23

"insert onomatopoeia here"

Reply

ShawnzieNstuff | 6

#4194301 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:09

Thats what she said ^ Haha!

Reply

aaahhhfire21 | 0

#4194380 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 7:58

Sad when u don't have friends and have to resort to degrading urself while drunk

Reply

NiiTeH | 7

#4194420 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 8:31

LE POW

Reply

XanderScythe | 11

#4202035 - Thursday 22 March 2012 23:11

SHABALABADICK

Reply

jaystreet46 | 4

#4205112 - Friday 23 March 2012 13:29

YOWZA!!

By missamerica95 | 0

#4191156 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:11

At least you were having fun OP!

Reply

thgiL | 9

#4192686 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 23:41

No regrets in life man, yolo. Also permanent marker comes off... 2 good washes or one amazing wash scrub a lot!!

By dwvork | 6

#4191165 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:12

Fantasy of yours?

By taerts | 9

#4191174 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:15

You took the initiative, your friends didn't even have to do it for you

Reply

Zaros_fml | 24

#4191801 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:38

Everyone loves a considerate friend.

By mandadarling | 10

#4191183 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:17

Although you have cock on your face now, OP, at least they are just drawings ;)

Reply

TunechiXXL | 0

#4191395 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 17:18

You are beautiful ;)

Reply

kbtoyz69 | 9

#4191519 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 18:12

hey what's up?

Reply

mandadarling | 10

#4191684 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:10

How you doin? :P

Reply

iamyummylicious | 14

#4191733 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 19:20

Get a room you two. Or at least use private messaging.

Reply

jaystreet46 | 4

#4205115 - Friday 23 March 2012 13:30

You look like you could use some on yours

By hateevryone | 14

#4191185 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:19

What the hell?

Reply

HeartOfLead | 24

#4193900 - Wednesday 21 March 2012 3:57

I guess OP from the last FML didnt have enough to drink.

By idontknowyou123 | 0

#4191217 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:30

sounds like my saint patricks day night

By FlashBurn | 13

#4191221 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:30

Wow, must've eaten the worm. Never eat the worm! That's when it gets really fun.

By emmaa3451 | 11

#4191228 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 16:31

At least it wasn't a tattoo..

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4191900 - Tuesday 20 March 2012 20:03

Hangover 2!